Wasting Away In Wrigleyville

Sun Sets on Another Year at Wrigley

2011-09-26T09:14:00.005-05:00

The 2011 Cubs season is over - at least as far as Wrigley Field is involved. Three more in San Diego and we're going to be done for the season. The weekend's series loss to the Cardinals topped off a season that we declared couldn't go worse then 2010, then did so decisively. We've got 2 more losses than last year with 3 games left. Can't imagine why the GM lost his gig.

At the very least, we can point to this year as the one where it became apparently to even the most dense (see: Ricketts, Tom) Cub followers that shouldn't just probably change, it HAD to fucking change. Rock bottom, not three years after boasting the best offense in the National League.

So the changes started with Kosuke, and they'll likely continue into the offseason. No way the club's picking up Aramis's $16M option, and he'll likely get more money somewhere else. Carlos Pena could be back, because we've got fuck-all for first base prospects, but who knows how that will play out? Zambrano is way out the door. And while I've always defended him in the past, he's never hit that elite level we pay him for, and I'm sick of hearing about it every time he blows up. I guess it's worth nothing in all this that the one guy we'd like to see gone - Soriano - remains undealable for another couple of years. That is one awful fucking contract. Quade is probably gone for the next GM's pick, and I'm fine with that. He's shown himself to be a capable coach, and a mediocre manager. We're not losing anything with him out the door. Hopefully the next regime builds the beginning of a contending roster. I don't mind if they start slow. Trying to do it all at once is what got us into this mess in the first place.

So let's enjoy these last three games. We bitch now, but we'll be missing baseball in mere weeks. Although we might be able to hold that off to months if we think about Casey Coleman hard enough.

Weekend Recap: Still There

2011-09-12T07:52:00.002-05:00

September's historically a tough time to be a Cubs fan. Not only are we most often WAYYYY out of the running, but football, both college and pro, makes its grand arrival and the spectre of hockey looms on the horizon. But hey, we've still got baseball for a short while, even if it is yet another year of really, really depressing ball.

Over the weekend, the Bears and the tenth anniversary of 9/11 conspired to push the Cubs back to nearly the Arts and Entertainment section of the Trib. But they at least managed to take 2 out of 3 close games. And they gave us this amazing picture of Tony Campana moments after getting punched by a comic book supervillain.

While my tone may strike one as defeatist, your intrepid editor is once again heading out to Wrigley Field this coming Friday. Tickets priced from a buck. Shhheeeeit yes.

Weekend Recap: BALLLLLLLLS

2011-08-29T08:54:00.003-05:00

Clearly, the joygasm from our organization finally jettisoning the 300-lb. shitbag who got us into the current mess knocked us unconscious for a couple of weeks. I hope we didn't miss anything good.

3 out of 4 dropped at home to Atlanta? Three straight to the hated Brewers? Ugh.

Moving on ...

FUCK YES! FUCK YES! FUCK YES!

2011-08-19T10:17:00.002-05:00

HENDRY GONE

But don't take my word for it

https://twitter.com/#!/thekapman/status/104570551196057600

So long, suckass!

Astros 6 - Cubs 5: Worst Way to Lose

2011-08-17T07:28:00.003-05:00

Losing to the Astros in their stupid choo-choo train park always sucks. Losing on a walk off always sucks. Losing on a walk off grand slam by a run sucks incredibly. Seeing your closer give his best Kevin Gregg impression blows.

All of these things we managed to see last night in one tire fire of a ninth inning thrown by Carlos Marmol. And frankly, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Truth is, the Marmot tends to follow the "One Good/One Bad" rule familiar to those familiar with traversing several blocks in D.C. A demonstration, if you will:

2008: 87.1 IP, 2.68 ERA, 114 K, 0.927 WHIP

2009: 74.0 IP, 3.41 ERA, 93K, 1.469 WHIP

2010: 77.2 IP, 2.55 ERA, 138 K, 1.185 WHIP

2011 (so far): 3.47 ERA, 57.0 IP, 73 K, 1.386 WHIP

Remember how awful his 2009 was? Probably not, because we had Kevin Gregg, Aaron Heilman, and Jeff Samardzija shitting up the joint. But Marmol was decidedly non-filthy in his pitching. Look at that WHIP and tell me with a straight face that it's ok. It's fucking not. He's a little ahead of the pace this year, but the blowups are even more painful because we can't get within a dozen games of .500.

On the plus side, next year should be a fucking great one for him.

Weekend Recap: This AGAIN?

2011-08-15T08:38:00.002-05:00

Mike Quade lived up to his minor league tenure. Complete bush league move. And now I can't read the papers for another few days until Haugh, Wittenmyer, and everyone on the Score stops cramping.

Even when we're on a hot streak, it's something. Eesh.

Cubs 7 - Pirates 6: The Pirates are The Pirates Again

2011-08-05T13:13:00.003-05:00

"Coach said he'd buy us ice cream!"

The Pirates went from first place to 7 games back in less than two weeks. Ouch. They also got swept by the Cubs, losing a 6-4 lead in the 8th inning of a save-face game. Double ouch.

But that's not the biggest concern of Pittsburghers today. No, they're still on the lookout for a local man accused of luring PNC Park-area children into his rusted van with bags of candy. If only we had some sort of clue:

Cubs 1 - Pirates 0: WE WIN A SERIES AGAINST THE PIRATES!

2011-08-04T09:34:00.002-05:00

Matt Garza, Sean Marshall, and Carlos Marmol pitched well for the Cubs, shutting out the Pirates. Charlie Morton and Jose Veras pitched well for the Pirates, shutting out the Cubs. In the 8th inning, Starlin Castro hit a homer off of Chris Resop.

That is ALL THAT HAPPENED.

Fin.

Cubs 11 - Pirates 6: TRIUMPH!

2011-08-03T10:34:00.003-05:00

The Cubs beat the Pirates - kicked the shit out of them, in fact - and Alfonso Soriano dominated the game with his bat. Remember when that used to be a scenario that didn't surprise us? It was the best Throwback Night promotion I could imagine for 2011.

As usually happens when we murder a team - a rarity to be sure - the big players threw up some gaudy-ass stats. Castro led off with three hits and a walk. A-Ram knocked 4 RBIs in. And perhaps best of all, homers were to be had in bunches, from Soto, Byrd, Soriano (2!!!), Ramirez, and Colvin. That's right, Colvin. In his first start back from Siberian exile, Colvin went 3-5 with an absolute BOMB of a homer that found the river as surely as a hillbilly family looking for their annual bath.

The win last night gave us the second 3-game winning streak of the year. One in the next two will finally give us a series win over the Pirates, who are admittedly flailing since getting fucked on that call against the Braves. Let's see it happen. Go Cubs Go.

Weekend Recap: Jim Hendry, Certified Shitbag

2011-08-01T08:35:00.007-05:00

"Hmm. Now where did I leave that Cheez Whiz sandwich?"

Over the weekend, the Cubs just barely snapped a 5 game losing streak, leaving them at a hair over 20 games below .500. On Saturday, they jumped out to a 5-0 lead on their most hated rival, then gave up the next 13 runs with nary a peep. A payroll that dwarfs most teams, and on-field product that makes one long for the glory days of 75-win teams.

And one man looked at this tire fire of a team, this terrible team with no prospects. And he said "I'd like more of this!" That man was Jim Hendry. And he is fucking terrible.

Shipping Fukudome, as it turns out, was his only move. And even that move required taking on two prospects who will NEVER see Wrigley Field and shipping over a truckload of cash to offset the $14M salary that Hendo signed him to in the first fucking place. Other than that, he said, the Cubs are standing pat.

STANDING PAT? STANDING FUCKING PAT??!?

"Standing pat" is something you do with a contending team that has a decent chance of making the kind of stretch run necessary to make the playoffs. It's not something you do with a bloated payroll on pace for 60 wins. The deadline, at the very least, is the time when you look for that silver lining. New guys are in, and at the very least, some money's off the books and the new people aren't the ones who have been shitting up Addison and Clark for the past hundred games.

But no, after years of digging this particular hole, Hungry Hungry Hendry decided to just lean on his gravedigging shovel and whistle a cheerful tune. Much like a mentally ill person would do.

So what's on the horizon? Nothing. You'd imagine that after two seasons in a row of utter failure, there MUST be some sort of change on the horizon. But have you been paying attention to the Rickettses since they took over? The only changes have been in advertising and ticket prices. They want to charge you 70 bucks to watch from the bleachers, but they've never considered whether there's anything at Wrigley worth paying that much to watch. Mr. Ricketts hasn't even gotten rid of the WORST TEAM PRESIDENT IN BASEBALL. No, Crane Kenney - the Trib Co. placeholder - has now presided over two full seasons of terrible Ricketts baseball. Nor has he gotten rid of a man who has managed to build a 47-win team by August with over $100 million in payroll. And why would we think he would?

I've seen nothing positive about the man, just bullshit stories about how me met his wife in the bleachers and once lived across the street. Big fucking deal. Have you SEEN any of the people in the bleachers at Wrigley? Like, say, this stupid asshole? Hey, that guy's been in the bleachers! Let's put him in charge of a team that hasn't won a pennant since 1945! Hopefully we can put the "Ricketts is Cubs material through and through" myth to bed. Then put a pillow over its face and hold it until the thrashing stops.

WAIW Salute: Kosuke Fukudome

2011-07-29T07:14:00.004-05:00

Players leave the Cubs all the time, and we at WAIW are pretty good at rolling with it. Hell, most of the time, we're happy to say, for instance, "so long, suckass" to the offending and departing player. When we're waving someone out the door, it's usually because we can't stand to see them play baseball in blue pinstripes any longer. You know, because they're Bobby Howry. Or Neal Cotts. Or Neifi Perez. I could go on. But today ... today is the opposite. A player who never lived up to early promise and certainly underperformed his ludicrous contract. But dammit to hell, I had the softest spot for Kosuke Fukudome. And now he's gone to Cleveland - a fate truly worse than death.

March 31, 2008 - Opening Day. The Cubs are coming off a division title the year before, and the rainy, shitty weather runs opposite to the mood of the crowd. I'm a few pitchers less concerned about the rain, sitting in the right field terrace with my brother, (future) wife and a friend. My ongoing fascination/obsession with Japanese baseball (as manifested in my love of 1992 Tom Selleck vehicle Mr. Baseball) has me eager to see what the new right fielder can do. With one out in the bottom of the second inning, he steps in against Ben Sheets (remember him?) and sends his first pitch in the Major Leagues rocketing against the still-dormant ivy. Fucking awesome.

Much later in the game, trailing by three runs in the bottom of the ninth, our man comes up again with two on. And holy shit does he knock the crap out of the ball to right-center. The place is goddam pandemonium. We lost in extras that day (thanks, Bobby Howry!), but the atmosphere was electric and the excitement palpable. It started the amazing run of the 2008 season, and briefly made Fukudome into a fan favorite. The Lakeview Baseball Club hung a Japanese flag from their building. Fuk found himself on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Eventually, some assholes turned things ugly, as sub-sections Cubs fandom are unfortunately wont to do, and we had to deal with this horsehit.

Of course, it all died down pretty fast. And he never did match the first half that saw him get elected as a starter to the 2008 All Star Game. But I still treasured that excitement - only a handful of Cubs players have managed to create a moment like that for me. And I still enjoyed the little things that he did extremely well. Kosuke was a very good fielder, and could gun people out for my favorite play in baseball - the fly out/putout. Seeing him on the opposite side of Soriano only cemented his status in my mind as a defensive giant. And as deflating as seeing him corkscrew into a strikeout could be, he was actually great at managing the zone. He left us with an OBP of .372, which was by far the best on the team. To give you some idea, the next best is Marlon Byrd at .353, A-Ram and Pena are in the .330s, and Tyler Colvin gets on base at a stunning .175 clip. Ignore slugging percentage, and Fukudome was the veritable offensive engine. Of course you can't, but that kind of selectivity is how I managed my unwarranted level of Fukudome fandom.

So long, Kosuke. WAIW salutes you. You were our Bizarro Tom Selleck, and we love you for that.

Milwaukee: Dispatches From the Heart of Darkness

2011-07-28T09:19:00.004-05:00

The wife and I went up to Milwaukee for the game last evening. Everything was enjoyable but the Cubs offense, and Zambrano throwing a pitch down the middle on a 1-2 count. To be sure, there's not much game to talk about in a 2-0 loss. Luckily, we were in exotic Milwaukee, the Paris of southeastern Wisconsin.

- When you walk in from the lot across the street, you come by this sign. It was three times as eerie as anything in Something Wicked This Way Comes. Locals say pregnant women who dawdle underneath the sign too long give birth to hideous dork-babies who no one likes.

- Ran into a lot of douchebags in Mikwaukee while tailgating and walking into the game. Loud-ass, can't-hold-my-booze, cursing in front of kids sort of shitheads. And you know what? They were all Cubs fans. It was disconcerting - I was able to see us like some other fans apparently do. Not a great picture. I'd hoped the lack of a bandwagon would shake off these body lice of fandom.

- Speaking of, I didn't run into the sort of Milwaukee fan that inspired this 2009 classic. I'm guessing the sudden novelty of a formerly bad team winning that turns people into douchebags has mostly run its course. Welcome back to my neutral side, Milwaukee.

- I'm glad the entire NL doesn't set off fireworks every time they beat the Cubs. They'd be spending a ton of fucking money on explosives.

- Walking in, we notice two drunk girls in (Cubs, I think) tie-dye shirts acting like ... well, 21 year olds. We run back into them inside, and one has already lost the other. Not a good sign. The one remaining drunk turns to me and says something along the lines of "Hey, your sharhh .. shugnorgggfluggggonsharma." When I inquired whether it was a sentence, or even English, she replied that it was a compliment. So go me!

- Aside from some early troubles, Zambrano pitched a hell of a game last night. It didn't really hit me until late into the game that I might have been at Z's last start. If that's the truth, I'm really going to miss the guy and the way he made all the local beat writers' uteruses cramp with his every word and action.

- Actual conversation, in my head.

Guy 1: "Dude, I drive 34. Or I used to, until the third DUI. Fuckin' Menomonee cops."

Guy 2: "I made a very poorly thought out jersey decision. Now I must live with it."

Guy 1: "Once I got so mad I hit my wife. I wore my Podsednik jersey to court."

Guy 2: "I didn't want to spend the extra ten bucks for the real numbers and nameplate. That's for fags."

Guy 1: "I drive 34."

Guy 2: "I cut myself, just to feel anything."

Guy 1: (cries)

WAIW Helps You Drink Beer (Part 4)

2011-07-25T10:30:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been away from the Internet, drinking a beer, and thought "man, I wish I could somehow bring the magic of Wasting Away in Wrigleyville into this current, offline, part of my life"? Or are you some sort of obsessive-compulsive completest who owns one or more of our previous three koozies? Well holy crap do I have a deal for you.

Once again, WAIW offers you the finest in beer-drinking paraphernalia. These fine neoprene koozies are the highest-quality we could find. Rest assured that when Steve and I crack open a beer on a porch or in a bar, these fine products are what we utilize to keep our hands warm and beers cold. A mere $5, with free shipping. Get yours today!

Weekend Recap: FINALLY!

2011-07-25T07:31:00.004-05:00

The lip readers I consulted tell me he's saying "KABLAMMO!"

Ten tries. TEN.

It might have taken nine more than necessary, as well as the worst team in the majors, but dammit, the Cubs are finally winners of three in a row. Feels good.

Each of the three games was a bit closer than we'd like (the rare Cubs ass-kicking of an opponent always feels good), but they all had their moments. I caught Friday's game on the radio whilst working at home, and it was certainly worth the time. Soriano finally hit one out of the park in a month other than April at the expense of Bud Norris, who is the most Astros-sounding Astros player I've ever heard of. Samardzija, Grabow, and Marmol - a trio of nail-biting pitchers if there ever was one - managed two innings of holds for Marshall to close out Friday dominantly for his third save.

Saturday was viewed through a patina of German beer, so the details are a bit hazier. I do, however, recall Fukudome's amazing triple, followed by Castro's ugly infield single. That started a rally that made a 2-1 nailbiter into a 5-1 lead and eventual win.

Then there was Sunday. Glorious Sunday. As it turns out, the secret to finally putting 3 games together is getting a member of WAIW to the game. At least it worked in this particular instance. Well, that, some timely hitting, and Matt Garza smoking mofos.

Read more about Garza and his smoking of mofos, after the jump

Holy shit, how good does Matt Garza look lately? He may not end the year with super-impressive W-L numbers (4-7, to be precise), but he was mowing down Astros. Subtract that mistake to Barmes in the first and a few of the free passes, and we might have been looking at a complete game. Of course that didn't happen. He didn't even get the win, due to the intervention of a certain hated reliever.

I speak, as always, of this man:

Yep, still sucks.

Man owes Matt Garza a nice dinner at Lawry's. Did you see my post from yesterday afternoon in section 231? Totally called it. Sure, you can qualify it with the fact that it was his third day pitching in a row, or inform me that his 1.365 WHIP is head and shoulders above what he's done every other year. But that distracts from the fact that yesterday's BB/HR/K/BB was classic Cotts/Howry/Ohman territory. Just as hating Jeff Samardzija is classic WAIW.

Yet fear not! For we managed to tie the game on two singles and a wacky-ass RBI by Soriano. And then, in the 10th, we were delivered unto victory by the timely intervention of Marlon Byrd's bat and a bad gaffe by WAIW favorite Hunter "Fancy Boy" Pence. What looked like an impressively hit line-out turned into a no-outs triple. If I were to put my expert spin on things, it would look like this:

Self-explanatory.

Two intentional walks and one Jeff Baker pinch hit single to LF later, the wife and I were singing "Go Cubs Go" for the first time in a looooong time. The free tickets series against the Brewers is coming up, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being worried about Dempster, Z, and Wells going against that lineup. But for now, keep the W flag up an extra day and remember that sweet, sweet feeling of a winning streak. Take it from me - that feeling can be fleeting.

8th inning of a one run game. Samardzija comes in. Uh oh.

2011-07-24T15:41:00.002-05:00

T-Mobile. America's First Nationwide 4G Network

Today's giveaway is a bit ... something

2011-07-24T13:13:00.001-05:00

T-Mobile. America's First Nationwide 4G Network

HOLY SHIT! FREE CUBS TICKETS (er ... earlier today)

2011-07-22T12:15:00.005-05:00

So thanks to a tip from a friend (who got the tip from a friend), I stumbled across this incredible gem early this A.M. And holy crap am I glad I did.

The gist, if you don't want to read the link, is that Caterpillar is in partnership with the Brewers this season, and decided to go ahead and just GIVE AWAY 5,000 tickets to each of two Brewers/Cubs games next week. No drawings, no contests, just whoever got to them first. I happened to be one of those people. Hopefully, other Cubs fans were among that number - Miller Park's an excellent place to watch the game, and really damn close.

You may say that it's not particularly "free," seeing as how I live within a short walk of Wrigley and now have to get myself to Milwaukee and spend money on food and beer. But that's not the point. Point is, free Cubs/Brewers tickets. I'll take that any day.

Thank god for the Brewers. Just this once.

Phils 9 - Cubs 1: Yeah, That's About How It's Been

2011-07-21T07:51:00.003-05:00

Remember a couple days ago, when I predicted that after a great-looking surprise win to open the series, we'd manage to play down to our 2011 level and lose the series? Yeah, that happened. Not that I'm great at prediction or anything - I'm fairly certain my 1 year old godson sensed blood in the water when Marshall started the pitching machine routine on Tuesday. Oh well. There's a division foe for us to disappoint against on the near horizon, and a Sunday trip to Wrigley for this WAIW writer.

I'd like to point out that after his masterful start last Friday, Dempster absolutely exploded against the Phils. This bodes well for Garza on Sunday, who looked amazing against the Phillies (should have WON, FUCKING DAMMIT) and will likely lose to 0-5 Jordan Lyles on Sunday. I'm half-considering picking up Lyles for my fantasy team.

Reader KD was in town for both the 99 degree heat and the suckass display of baseball. Likely, she spent the 2nd-9th innings pining for the skillful performance and organizational stability of the Kansas City Royals.

Cubs 6 - Phillies 1: Huh ... No Shit?

2011-07-19T07:43:00.004-05:00

Really not used to seeing a jubilant Rodrigo Lopez. Eerie.

No matter how hard the Phillies tried, they couldn't solve Rodrigo Lopez. And I'm sure that very sentence is appearing in all caps on some Philly blog somewhere. Hell, I'd be mad too. They're officially the Cubs fans for the morning.

Of all the unexpected wins of the 2011 year (which, depending on how you see things, is either not very many or fucking ALL of them), this was perhaps the least likely. They threw Roy Halladay, who at 34 is making me start to think he's part robot, leading the NL in innings pitched while maintaining a 1.045 WHIP and 2.57 ERA. We threw Rodrigo Lopez, who at 35 makes me marvel at the length of such a mediocre career. Guy's 5 years removed from leading the AL in losses and one removed from leading the NL in both losses and home runs allowed. And he was throwing in Wrigley. Against Ryan Howard and the Phils. I guess some days, everything goes your way. Fans of other teams had told me this in the past, but being a Cubs fan, I never really believed them.

We gave Halladay his first loss since May. If only all the opposing pitchers could pitch under heatstrokey conditions. I jest - he's fine, according to the team, and will likely be back whipping ass soon enough. And credit where credit's due, the Utley/Howard/Ibanez row went 0-for on the evening. No matter what Lopez's overall career looks like, that's a dominant night against a pennant contender.

We've got two tries to actually win an important series. Can we do it? I imagine not, but clearly I can be surprised.

Weekend Recap: Baseball's Back, and We Still Suck

2011-07-18T07:34:00.003-05:00

0-4 with runners with scoring position. No hits for Soto, Soriano, or Barney. Marmol booed off the field and replaced with Sean Marshall. Zero earned runs scored against Ricky fucking Nolasco.

And that was the game we managed to win.

After a thrilling All Star Game, with its possible preview of next year's new Cub first baseman, we got a 4-day reminder of just how little that World Series advantage the NL won matters. Despite the joy of having Cubs baseball and Marlon Byrd back, the second half of the year began no better than we left things before we limped into the All Star Break.

In unusually lucky fashion, however, half of your intrepid WAIW crew (me, namely) managed to be at the park for the lone series win, while the other half (Steve) was across the street on a rooftop. And what a day for baseball Friday was - clear and just shy of godawful hot. Additionally, the sad state of Cubs performance, it's no longer necessary to camp out at 10am to get good bleacher seats for an afternoon game.

This is how I found myself in the front row of the left-center bleachers, with my friend Rich shit-talking Mike Cameron with skillfulness. Cameron played along well, and joined the WAIW pantheon of Opposing Team Outfielders We Respect For Their Ability to Laugh At Themselves. We need a better name for this pantheon.

Today won't get any easier, with the Phillies coming to town. I'd say it'll get far easier after that - Astros and all - but who fucking knows when we'll win a series. Let's just enjoy the ride. And the cheap tickets.

Castro to Beckert to Cavaretta: Cubs in the All Star Game

2011-07-13T11:00:00.007-05:00

Since it's been awhile since we've felt the warm, glowing, warming glow of a satisfying win, we've decided to linger on this All Star Game posting kick awhile longer. A large cohort of Cubs - 208, have participated in the game since its inception in 1933. These guys did it more than anyone else on the team:

- Ernie Banks (14 times)
- Ryne Sandberg (10)

- Ron Santo (9)

- Sammy Sosa, Billy Herman (7)

- Gabby Hartnett, Billy Williams, Don Kessinger (6)

- Andre Dawson (5)

- And so on ...

Legends, to a man. It's easy to forget that Sosa, before he turned into a full-time dickhead and stormed out of town, was such a force in the National League for so long. It's a shame he won't be remembered well. But at least he was a legitimate star. How well will history remember these Cub All Stars?

- Kosuke Fukudome ('08) - I love the guy, but he's a career .262 hitter)

- Jon Lieber ('01) - A .500 pitcher with a number of teams who weren't all that excited to keep him around.

- Steve Trachsel ('96) - He of the 8-18 season in 1999.

- Vance Law ('88) - An artist of mediocrity. Makes Fukudome look like Barry Bonds.

- Steve Swisher ('76) - Obviously he needed to be rewarded for his .276 OBP that year.

How did your favorite Cubs of all time do in the All Star Game? Find out after the jump

You may wonder how your favorites have done over the years. Surely Castro's night was a mixed bag, but at least he managed to leave a positive mark.

- Ryne Sandberg - Thrice the top vote-getter in the NL, Ryno managed one hit in those three games. Not that it counts for anything, but Ryno's All Star game career didn't realy mirror his Hall of Fame regular one. 10 games (9 started), 3 H, 1 R, 1 SB, .115 average. But he did win the 1990 Home Run Derby in Wrigley. Grand total? 3 home runs. Times were different.

- Ron Santo - Ronnie got it done well in his 20 plate appearances over 9 games/4 starts. No extra base hits, but 3 RBIs and a pretty bananas 5 bases on balls. An OBP of .500 is pretty solid against the best pitchers in the game.

- Mark Grace - As much as you imagine Gracie as the top singles hitter of the 1990s, he has no All Star average to speak of. Literally none. Only 4 at-bats in 3/1. None of them good.

- Shawon Dunston - Also zip. Every time I look it up, I hear a sad trombone.

- Fergie Jenkins - In three relief appearances and 4 innings, The Ferg gave up 6 hits and 3 runs against 16 batters. The 6.75 ERA is not great, but it beats Jon Lieber's 18.00.

- Rick Sutcliffe - A similar fate for the Red Baron, who suffered 5 hits, 2 earned runs, and a wild pitch (6.00 ERA) during his 3 trips to the game in the '80s. Of course, knowing what we know now, it's possible he may have been loaded.

- Bill Madlock - If you asked someone unaware of the fact to name the only Cubs All Star Game MVP, I imagine none of them would guess Madlock. Further, I imagine those few might forget that before Maddux, the Memphis-born, Decatur-raised Madlock was dubbed "Mad Dog." He shared the award for the NL's 6-3 victory in Milwaukee with the Mets' John Matlack for scoring the go-ahead run.

- Carlos Zambrano - Three games in relief, 2 hits, 1 run. The pitchers aren't quite as fun to compare, apparently.

- Gabby Hartnett - An underwhelming .200 in 6/3, but he did manage the rare All Star Game triple.

- Ernie Banks - Mr. Cub represented the Cubs well in 14/7 (!!!). Over 35 plate appearances, he hit for a .303 average, including 1 triple and 1 homer.

- Billy Williams - A homer, 2 SB, and a .273 line in 6/2. The consummate quiet guy, no?

- Sammy Sosa - God-awful, consudering what a fixture he was during his superstar years. He kept swinging for one of his famous long balls and never did end up connecting. No extra base hits, a .154 average, and 4 Ks in 7/5.

So that's about all for our All Star roundup. The Marlins will come into town soon, and perhaps we can take 3 out of 4 from the team that has us beat by a mile in the sadness department. At the very least, we'll have a new appreciation for Starlin Castro.

National League 5 - American League 1: All-Starlin

2011-07-13T07:23:00.004-05:00

Translated from Spanish: "The All Star Game ... there was more crotch than I was expecting. You know?"

As we do every year, your dogged WAIW editors spent the evening of the MLB All Star Game taking in sausage, beer, and the clash between the heroic, saintly ballplayers of the NL and the godless DH-ing AL dogs. In a surprising and welcome change, the National League actually won the fucking thing for once. Twice, actually. In a row. But who's keeping track?

While we may only have had dog in the fight, thanks to the bizarre reasoning of Aramis Ramirez, it was at least the player we most wanted to see on the national stage. Viewers at home of the non-Cubs fan variety most likely mistook young Starlin for a batboy. Hard to believe he's only 21 and already getting significant innings in the All Star game. And make no mistake, he's not just there because we needed a representative. Shitty (but improving!) fielding aside, Starlin Castro is a legitimate All Star.

So how did he do? Mixed results with reason for joyful optimism - much like his season with the Cubs. He struck out in his only at bat, but managed two steals when put in to run for starting SS Troy Tulowitzki. He got tagged out trying to score on a fielder's choice, but only on a great bare-handed pick and throw by the pitcher. He screwed up a throw to first in the 9th (which Steve correctly predicted), but also gunned out the last AL batter of the game. All in all, not a bad performance.

I find it impossible to dislike Brian Wilson. Every single action he undertakes seems calculated to fuck with you. Probably what makes him such an effective pitcher. Plus: Greatest ASG Introduction Ever? YUP.

What was especially strange is how the NL won it - they took the lead early on Prince Fielder's home run, added a couple for good measure, and won it pretty easily. I was really used to watching the NL blow a lead (2008 - FUCK YOU DAN UGGLA), or seeing the AL go up early and kill off the eventual NL rally (2005). Last night was ... nice. Certainly watching Castro gun it to throw out White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko was an excellent way to see the National League win. And perhaps with these back-to-back victories, the National League will stop being such fucking pushovers. I'm not asking for 13 victories in a row, but let's push the series our way for awhile.

Also fun? After (Future Cub?) Prince Fielder left the game post-HR, Joey Votto, Reds 1st baseman and Archduke of Douchington Castle, replaced him. And sucked ass. He looked more confused at the plate than a 9 year old at the park weighing the pros and cons of delicious candy vs. the stranger in sweatpants who smells like mustard and wants to get him into a van to help find his puppy.

Go fuck yourself, Joey Votto. You were no part of this win. And that makes it all the sweeter.

Friday Five: The Underrated Cubs

2011-07-08T08:19:00.003-05:00

Not everyone can be Sandberg, Banks, or Wood. Especially on a team where titles of any sort are few and far between. The truth is, we mostly get by with a lot of fan-favorite types here at Addison and Clark. Sometimes they're good but not great. Sometimes they're likable but not good. It's what happens when you haven't won a pennant since 1945.

Presented here are the Cubs that won't be on the "vintage" t-shirts or Cooperstown jerseys at Dick's or the team store at the mall. But when I think of the years poured into just hoping we'd make .500 - and becoming ecstatic when we could - these are the guys I remember.

5. Jose Guzman

The first choice is perhaps the most obscure. Hell, the guy spent three times as long with Texas and his number now graces the hated Jeff Samardzija. He really only had one full season with us, where he went 12-10. This is a totally personal choice.

As the story goes, I came home from school one day and my mom was super excited to tell me about how the Cubs won becauase of Jose Guzman's dominating performance. Thing is, she never gave a shit about baseball before that point, and hasn't really after. I still don't know what brought it on besides the excitement of seeing a nobody from a bad Cubs team outduel a young John Smoltz and a Braves team that ended up winning 104 games that year. A gem of a performance, broken up only by Otis goddam Nixon.

Mom's excitement got me really pumped up for the season. We finished fourth, but we finished 84-78. For the Cubs of my childhood, that was pretty good. Sometimes it just takes one good game to get excited for a 4th place team.

4. Glenn Beckert

Aside from his presence on the legendary, heartbreaking 1969 Cubs, Glenn Beckert was a pretty damn good 2nd baseman. He hit an incredible .342 in 1971. He also hit on my wife before she was such, which is why he's on this list.

3. Phil Cavaretta

As a huge fan and dedicated but marginally talented player of 16" softball, I've read a fair bit about this uniquely Chicago sport. What you may not know is that lifelong Chicagoan and Lane Tech alum Phil Cavaretta was a fan of the game. In fact, he even played in the short-lived Windy City Softball League, which existed from 1932-1948.

Sure, he hit .292 and played two decades for us. That makes him admirable. But he also hacked at the high arc of a 16" pitch and toughened his hands to the finger-breaking demands of this beer-league sport. That makes him relatable.

2. Kosuke Fukudome

I'm sure I'll take crap for this in the years to come. Hell, I already do. But if we had a guy who hit .265-ish, but got on base at a .369 clip and played stellar defense, and wasn't making $12 million, we'd be thrilled. It's that paycheck Big Hendo handed out that's the problem, and that phenomenon is hardly isolated to Kosuke.

I've loved Fuk ever since he hit his first major league pitch off the ivy at Wrigley and later sent the game into extras with a 3-run homer in the 9th on a miserable, rainy Opening Day 2008. I can't help that he makes a dickload of money, but I can go apeshit every time he runs down a hard liner to the gap or guns a runner from right field.

1. Shawon Dunston

History may tell a different story, but as a kid growing up here in the late 80s and early 90s, both Andre Dawson and Shawon Dunston were legends. LEGENDS. When we got a pickup game together in my neighbor's yard, the thing to do was throw up your hand and yell what player you were - as through screaming "I'M MARK GRACE" made it so. Every time, without fail, the quickest kid took either the Hawk or Dunston - on a 50/50 basis, as I recall. So what if his bat was sometimes as unreliable as his well-known loose cannon arm? Kids are excited by big swings and big potential, not a smart take on a 2-2 count. And the Shawon-O-Meter didn't hurt, either.

He was good, not great, and if that doesn't say Chicago Cubs to you, then you haven't been paying attention long enough.

Holiday Weekend Recap: New Lows

2011-07-07T07:59:00.003-05:00

A few items to catch us up.

- Remember when the phrase "3 in a row against the Nats" was uttered in a positive light? More than that, remember when it was a virtual lock that we'd be happily talking about 3 games against the Nats? We've fallen pretty far in a couple of years and are paying more than ever for it. I almost hope we lose today, just to dig the pit a little deeper for Kenney and Hendo.

- Before that, we fapped away the second series against the White Sox, because it's apparently our thing now to lose to them. Hey, if the players don't give a shit, why should I?

- One guy in the All Star game this year. That's now 11 out of the last 15 years that's happened. One of those years was Steve Trachsel. HA!

- Let's end on a positive - Starlin Castro is that lone All-Star representative. I'm extremely happy about that, and would be even happier if this is the start of his challenging Ernie Banks's record of 14 NL All Star appearances. A man can dream.

Cubs-Giants Doubleheader: Rocked Twice

2011-06-29T08:19:00.004-05:00

So that doubleheader? Not so great. Despite scoring 10, the Cubs gave up 19. That will happen when you throw Doug Davis, John Grabow, and Rodrigo Lopez out there. It was an exceptionally ugly way to burn through the bullpen.

But at the very least, we got a front row seat to one of the most abysmal pitching performances in recent memory - which is indeed saying something.

Doug Davis - 4.1 IP, 99 pit., 12H, 10R, 10ER

Ugly, ugly, ugly. But it's also sort of what I expected when we signed a guy who couldn't do much better last year with Milwaukee. Are you missing Jason Marquis yet?

That's not to say that Rodrigo Lopez did much better - when you're throwing 96 pitches in less than 5 innings, you're likely not walking out with the W. Poor pitching has bitten the team in the ass all year. Yesterday's starts got bad early on. From there's it's just about how many runs John Grabow is going to give up (the answer was 3).

Oh well. Today's got Dempster/Lincecum going for D'Agostino's Day. Let's hope the Cubs can keep a guy on the mound longer, and that Dempster doesn't have one of THOSE innings.

Weekend Recap: Royal Ass-Kicking

2011-06-27T07:45:00.004-05:00

Freeze tag didn't turn out well either

Add another name to the list of teams that the Cubs are worse than. I'm sort of wondering what exactly there is to say about the flaming train wreck we've become. No hitting. When we hit, there's no one in the bullpen to hang on to the lead. We won the first game of a series, and then dropped the next two. Again. Shit happens, though it's pretty depressing to pick up this pattern before the All-Star break. Did you know we still haven't won three games in a row? Eeeeeesh. Elsewhere:

- Wednesday is D'Agostino's day at Wrigley. It's weird to have a day honoring a stadium vendor, but WAIW's love for Dags pizza is well-documented. Not only that, it's also koozie day at the ballpark. A Cubs koozie? Never heard of the concept.

- Marlon Byrd is going to start rehabbing with a funky-ass mask on his batting helmet. It will be nice to have him back from the face-breaker he took in Boston.

- Andrew Cashner might (MIGHT) start rehabbing a second time soon after he hit a brick wall the first time through. I'm not real confident we'll see him before September, if at all this year.

- Woody's also starting to throw again after that blister put him on the DL. Someone get that man some shea butter.

- Kosuke is getting on base at a .390 rate. Reed Johnson's got a .398 OBP in a bit less than half the at-bats. I'm fine with that.

On the 2011 Cubs and Not Winning Series

2011-06-23T08:56:00.004-05:00

Of course they do. Of fucking course. Why on earth would we win even the most vaguely important series during 2011? That's not how you get yourself SEVEN GAMES BEHIND PITTSBURGH. I honestly can't point to a signature moment that Cubs fans can hold proud this year. Let's look at a completely subjective list of the most interesting, most important series of the year so far, and how we've fared in them.

April

4/22-4/24: Opening series vs. Pirates

Lost series 1 game to 2

4/8-4/10: First series against preseason division favorite Milwaukee

Lost series 1 game to 2

4/22-4/24: At home against the Dodgers, who have every problem EXCEPT being actually on fire

Lost series 1 game to 2

May

5/2-5/4: Dodgers again. Still not on fire, but the owner might lose the team

Won series 2 games to 1

5/6-5/8: At home against 2010 division champ Cincinnati

Lost series 1 game to 2

5/10-5/12: At home versus the hated Cardinals

Lost series 1 game to 2

5/13-5/15: At home versus WS champs San Francisco

1-1 split and a rainout

5/16-5/17: 2 games in Cincy

Swept 0 games to 2

5/20-5/22: 3 games in Boston on national TV

Lost series 1 game to 2

5/24-5/26: The Mets at home

Won series 2 games to 1

June

6/3-6/5: At St. Louis

Fucking swept, 0 games to 3

6/6-6/8: At the Reds

Lost series 1 game to 2

6/10-6/12: At Philly, with their collection of robot pitching arms

Lost series 1 game to 2

6/13-6/15: Milwaukee at home

Won series 2 games to 1

6/17-6/19: The Yankees at home, on national TV

Lost series 1 game to 2

6/20-6/22: At the White Sox, and so far out of contention that this is about as exciting as it's going to get

Lost series 1 game to 2

To sum up: Mo.Ther.Fuc.Ker. If you total that up, as I have, we're 3-10-1 in series of particular interest to this blogger. Two of those series wins are over teams currently experiencing what we in the business call a "horrible death sprial." That leaves one quality series win - Milwaukee, wayyyyy the fuck after we were out of it.

If Crane Kenney and Jim Hendry aren't out at the end of the year (I like Mike Quade well enough for now) then it's pretty clear that the Ricketts ownership doesn't give much of a shit about winning or building a quality organization. This never-quite-series-winning is a killer bitch of a way to watch your favorite team flail its way through yet another depressing year.

Depressing Fact of the Day Calendar

2011-06-21T13:29:00.004-05:00

This is what happens when you're both a Cubs fan and a fan of daily calendars in your office:

Cubs 6 - Sox 3: Cubs Win First Crosstown Game, Awaken Hungover Bloggers

2011-06-21T07:29:00.005-05:00

For Zambrano, this counts as stone-faced.

As you can see from the litany of posts below, we had quite the time at the Pub Crawl. It was amazing. You were amazing. We were ... drunk. The Cubs, on the other hand, just played like a bunch of drunks. We weren't quite good enough to split the series with the Phils. Then, inexplicably, we came out swinging against the Brewers and took 3 out of 4. This, and the Yankees opener where Doug Davis played out of his mind, gave us hope. Then, we weren't quite good enough to win the series with the Yankees. That particular cycle can get kind of depressing, you know? But blood is in the air, our South Side friends have started acting more obnoxious than usual, and we're back on the beat.

Ozzie? Acting temperamental? Oh my stars!

And it was fun, wasn't it? Had the Sox come back after putting a couple on in the 9th, you might be in for an eighth consecutive day of no blogging. But a Cubs win over the Sox is invigorating, like a shot of Jameson and a pull from a fresh beer. There was a time - around when we started the blog - where I'd get the hate engine going for the Sox and their fans. And yes, I still hate that team, and I'm puzzled why any Chicagoan would choose to be a fan, but it's more fun now. Maybe because the stakes are lower. Maybe because I've grown to appreciate how the rivalry is often the only thing that can catch people's attention during a dismal year. Either way, Ozzie's going to talk shit about Wrigley, some Cubs player is going to give up a late-inning homer to lose a pivotal game, and I'm still going to enjoy it more than losing to the goddam Pirates again.

Does he even know who Frank Thomas and Mark Grace are, I wonder?

The most energizing part of last night? Zambrano. Sure, the Sox have been on quite a punchless streak. But going eight solid what not what I expected after that dogshit first inning. Each time Juan Pierre crosses the plate, a baby gets mumps from Jenny McCarthy's stupid goddam unvaccinated kid. Clearly none of us were expecting Carlos to be so ... reasonable about the whole thing. And dominant. Goddam dominant. 115 pitches to get through eight. I'll take that any day. Marmol scared the shit out of me in the 9th, but Marmol scares the shit out of me frequently, and a late lead with the tying run at the plate does it every time.

On the offensive end, I can't say enough about Starlin Castro holding down the top of the order. Frankly, Fuk, A-Ram, and Blake DeWitt (whyyyy?!??) all looked like shit. Castro not only hit his second dinger of the season, he also hit that rare and powerful 2-out RBI. Fuck, I love me a 2-out RBI. I remain hopeful that we'll get to Buerhle with a big inning like we did Floyd, but with Garza on the mound, I fear for tonight. But at least I'm feeling something. WOO! BASEBALL!

2011-06-12T08:41:00.001-05:00

Aaaand the morning after. Ouch

2011-06-11T22:27:00.001-05:00

Welp, I am just SHITfaced.

2011-06-11T18:33:00.001-05:00

Cubs lose another, time for us to win.

2011-06-11T18:32:00.001-05:00

Now to bernies, few have made it on schedule.

2011-06-11T18:31:00.001-05:00

Bastardo's pitching

2011-06-11T18:27:00.001-05:00

Bernie's. Mad e out with my wiiife

2011-06-11T18:14:00.001-05:00

Peed in an ice trough twice. I love life

2011-06-11T18:12:00.001-05:00

We gotta pre-game this gift drop-off.

2011-06-11T18:01:00.001-05:00

Captain morgan club not having cubs game on?!?

Sports corner magic!

2011-06-11T17:49:00.000-05:00

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2011-06-11T17:48:00.000-05:00

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2011-06-11T17:16:00.001-05:00

Batting cage winner = John

You better get some fuckin jolly ranchers!

2011-06-11T17:15:00.001-05:00

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2011-06-11T16:47:00.001-05:00

MULLENS?

2011-06-11T16:46:00.001-05:00

Turn to the side so I can see your sack

2011-06-11T16:44:00.001-05:00

How do we keep running into the douchebag Golf Crawl?

2011-06-11T16:43:00.001-05:00

Belmont Stakes briefly change plans

2011-06-11T16:41:00.001-05:00

The Stretch: big bar with an airplane bathroom

2011-06-11T16:11:00.001-05:00

Soto walks. Offense!

2011-06-11T16:07:00.001-05:00

First time in 3 Crawls I've been able to get a beer at Merkle's

2011-06-11T15:59:00.001-05:00

Garza sucks, and we're heading to Merkle's

2011-06-11T15:51:00.001-05:00

Game on, byotchiz

2011-06-11T15:20:00.001-05:00

Rain delay? Hunker down and order another round, kids.

2011-06-11T15:16:00.001-05:00

Motherfuckin rain delay. Poseidon himself defies us.

2011-06-11T14:48:00.001-05:00

Bet made: skeeball for drinks for the crawl at sluggers. Witness!

2011-06-11T14:38:00.001-05:00

The Yard is closed for some reason. Dark Horse it is. Right next door.

2011-06-11T14:37:00.001-05:00

Yard is closed! Dark horse it is!

2011-06-11T14:36:00.001-05:00

Dard horse bar man incredibly accomodating. Cheers!

Sara: still here is spirit

2011-06-11T13:52:00.000-05:00

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2011-06-11T13:45:00.001-05:00

Sandwich has arrived. Laying a base of Corned beef, pastrami, and fries

2011-06-11T13:38:00.001-05:00

Got a big table - attendees have already shown up from North Carolina, DC and Nashville. A veritable global summit of liver punchin'.

2011-06-11T13:30:00.001-05:00

At Lucky's. Come and lay the base.

2011-06-11T10:34:00.001-05:00

Get ready for bar crawl live blogging!

2011-06-11T10:28:00.001-05:00

Testing

Your WAIW Pub Crawl Bar Roundup

2011-06-09T11:51:00.005-05:00

Follow the red line to FREEDOM! (from sobriety)

We often get questions about why we choose the bars we do for the WAIW Pub Crawl. Some people ask why certain well-known bars make the list (short answer: because they are shitty and for douchebags) and some obscure places consistently make the cut (they're either dear to us or convenient). So in the spirit of answering your inquiries and giving you a little insight into the places you'll be visiting, here's a guide to the Third Annual WAIW Pub Crawl. Think of it as a one-man Yelp. With less credibility.

Let's start with blackballed candidates:

B-B-B-Blackball!

The Cubby Bear

Back in the 80s and early 90s, this placed used to have character. It was a weird mix of Cubs fans in satin jackets and the punk rock kids from Belmont/Clark (not a great area at the time) who came to shows there at night. Rainouts would create a concoction of pre-boom Chicagoana unthought of in today's hyper-defined neighborhoods.

Now? Douchebags. Suburban weekend warriors getting drunk in a "real Chicago bar." Screeching bachelorettes with broken heels and makeup applied with a paintball gun. $5 cans of warm Bud Light. Dickbag gimmicky cover bands. Annoying-as-fuck waitresses who constantly harangue you to buy shots, shitty warm beer, or overpriced jello shots from them like an economically depressed version of the movie Boiler Room.

Do I need to keep going? If a pub crawl takes you to The Cubby Bear, they're not your friend.

Harry Caray's

We actually like Harry Caray's, it just doesn't exist anymore. A shocking number of people are unaware of this. Somehow, the partners behind the place couldn't keep a Harry Caray themed bar (and a very pleasant, spacious, and enjoyable one at that) open across the street from Wrigley Field. Some people are fucking idiots.

It's now some generic Wrigleyville bar which we will not be going to.

Moe's Cantina

A gigantic space that reminds one of the bygone days of the Chicago Stockyards. Just replace the cattle with every person you've ever wanted to punch. It's every pejorative stereotype of the Lakeview scene gathered under one roof. I once witnessed a 10-minute argument over the amount of alcohol in a vodka-cranberry. The race card was pulled. You do not want to be in this place.

The Dugout

This pains us as well, because we totally dig the Dugout. It's takes me back to my college days drinking and playing beer pong in my fraternity's basement. We'd gladly include this in every Pub Crawl from now until the heat death of the universe. The only problem is they've never been open. The first year, we were able to talk someone inside into letting us in to throw around some cash and leave in 20 minutes. Last year? No one home. Dagnabbit.

John Barleycorn

Saved the worst for last. Back in 2004, I turned 21 years old. I was immediately too old for this place. It's like a giant McDonald's Playland for immature dumbshits. You could throw a can of paint into the place and not hit anyone who will contribute anything to Chicago aside from alley piss and regretful blowjobs.

Better names for this establishment (Lakeview branch only) include:

- P.J. O'Douchebag's
- Molly McDaterape's
- Finn McDaddyissues
- Jaegershotsbro Malone's
- Handjob O'Halloran's
- 1.87 Grade Point Average Public House

Fuck no we will not be going there. You're welcome.

Now for the good news - we will be attending these fine, fine establishments:

WAIW approved, mofos!

Pregame (1:30)- Lucky's Sandwich Company

My dear mother (who is indeed coming to the Crawl and will drink your ass under the table) always repeated that invaluable drinker's maxim - "you've got to lay a base to get serious drinking done." The dear woman is correct as always, and there's no better place on the Crawl route than Lucky's. Sandwiches the size of a respectable infant, stuffed with meats and fries. I always go for the Two-Bagger - a duo of meats with a fried egg completing the veritable protein-bomb. It's safe to say that this place is responsible for any longevity I may display at the crawl.

We'll get there early, warm up with a few beers,and hopefully grab enough seats for the crowd that always chooses to eat and take some drinking BP with us. The employees, considering they didn't know there were going to be 30-40 people showing up and demanding drinks and a base to lay, are excellent about the entire affair.

We highly recommend you get some pre-game action going with us.

1st - The Yard (2:30 arrival, game starts at 3:00)

It's always hard getting that engine running - new people meeting each other, not quite drunk enough to really let go - but The Yard does a great job of it. They get everyone the first pitch beer with expediency, and serve as an excellent, and geographically convenient, place to start the game.

2nd Inning - The Stretch

We're adding The Stretch this year, a very respectable and recently renovated bar on a part of Clark Street where we often struggle to find venues.

After perusing their website, I sincerely hope that their advertised "$15 domestic cans and bottles" special is either a bucket or a misprint.

3rd Inning - Merkle's

Named after a key figure in the last season the Cubs won a World Series - you know, before the Polio vaccine - Merkle's has a bitchin' plate of chicken nachos and usually throws us a good beer special.

Fair warning: this tends to be the place where people think it's a good idea to get a draft beer. I swear to the ghost of Hack Wilson, if you get a fucking draft beer at this bar, I'm going to stab you in the face.

4th Inning - Mullen's

Our most beloved bar on the crawl. Mullen's was the place where, as impressionable and newly-minted legal drinkers, we discovered that there was a bar just down the street from Wrigley where you could enjoy a bar in a closed-off alleyway on a hot summer night. Damn that was glorious - I wax nostalgic about it with the same reverence that Bob Costas uses for describing the handjob he gave to Roger Goodell back in 2005.

5th Inning - Sluggers

Like a coiled cobra. Riding a panther. In a lightning storm.

Notice how all the bars we hate seem to be Wrigley-area mega-bars? Well, this is a mega-bar done right. Each year features a batting cage challenge between myself and my esteemed co-editor. First we try the beer-in-hand Jim Abbott swing. Then we go for reals. It's dynamite. Make sure to cheer for whoever you love best and curse the very memory of the other. Sportsmanship!

6th Inning - The Captain Morgan Club

Here we endeavor to give you a little taste of Wrigley on our crawl. It's actually a really cool place, considering it's an annex of the stadium. Compared to other bars in Lakeview, it's downright competitively priced.

7th Inning - Sports Corner

The newly-rebuilt Sports Corner is huge and has a great selection of beers. Go for a bottle anyway, and drink that shit fast.

8th Inning - Murphy's Bleachers

The absolute classic. If personified, it would be a grizzled 72 year old who can tell you stories about a fistfight with Stan Hack and still drink you under the table.
Also the site of Steve's meeting with Rick Sutcliffe, who used to slump-bust, as it were, in the apartment upstairs back in the day.

9th Inning - Bernie's

Bernie's is a good-ass bar, and usually serves as the site of our pre-game drinking when the Cubs are at home. Or, if we're serious about things, pre-game drankin'. It's always served as the concluding bar to the Pub Crawl proper.
The first year, we not only closed the inaugural Crawl out there, but also stayed an additional four (!!!) hours to play shuffleboard and watch the Hawks demolish the Canucks.
Last year, after the Hawks won the Stanley Cup, I waded past the crowd and cops on horses to celebrate at Bernie's.
Lots of hockey talk, huh? It's a pretty good indication of how the Cubs are doing this year.

Post-game/Extras - The Gingerman

The gingerman is an excellent cash-only bar that we hit for continued drinking, which is surprisingly in demand on crawl day. They also serve Jeppson's Malort. DARE YOU STEP ACROSS THAT FINAL FRONTIER!?!?!?

Still Want To Keep Drinking But Also Need Food Inning - D'Agostino's

It's difficult to eat pizza and sleep at the same time.

D'Agostino's is awesome - a true Wrigley tradition for your esteemed bloggers, even over on Southport. It's where Hendry, in the one move I approve of in the last three years, brought Kerry Wood to hammer out the deal that brought Woody back to the Cubs.
Last year, it's where the wheels fell off for yours truly - see above. I will endeavor to serve you better this year.

The hour is nearly upon us. Remember:

- Bring cash
- Order bottles
- Lay a base
- Go Cubs Go!

Cubs 4 - Reds 1: Our Long National Nightmare is Finally Over

2011-06-09T10:23:00.003-05:00

It's nice to be screaming with him instead of screaming at him.

Of course my black-hearted "Another Sweep" prediction from yesterday was enough to snap the horrific toilet-drain spiral we've been on, however briefly. Up next: TO FLIPADELPHIA! Sure, things aren't going to get any easier there, but it also means we've hit the bar crawl series. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Also, in less good news, Mark Grace was pinched for DUI. And if it's not Gracie, then it's a shop teacher of Boy Scout Troop Leader who looks a lot like him.

Reds 8 - Cubs 2: Another Sweep

2011-06-08T13:15:00.002-05:00

That's eight in a row, peeps. EIGHT! HA HA HA HA!

Reds 8 - Cubs 2: Lucky Seven! (Puts Gun in Mouth)

2011-06-07T08:23:00.003-05:00

After Zambrano put across an apology for saying exactly what we were all thinking, the local media's menstrual cramping eased up a bit. It's gotten to the point where you really can't read anything they write about Zambrano and take any useful pieces of information out of it. I'm fairly certain Zambrano must have deflowered all their daughters and then stood them up for prom. Nothing else can explain the ludicrous "suspend him until you can trade him for dick" stance that David Dumfuck Haugh was spewing. I mean, seriously? What happens if an unhappy Z is left to sort this out on his own like a man - we might start losing a lot of games? Fuck you Haugh.

Anyway, that seems to be over, right? Nope - we still have to play actual baseball games. And we're not good at that. Really not good.

And so, like we thought might happen going into this stretch, we've lost seven in a row. SEVEN. And, lest you forget, three of those were against the Astros. We may very well be the worst team in the National League. I'm not sure what to say about the game - Fuku continues to hit, Castro managed a hit and an RBI, and Matt Garza did his Matt Garza thing - that is, he came in, looked okay, then gave up runs in the second, third, and fourth before being lifted at 81 pitches. At least he looks to be on the mend, I suppose. Then we were treated to the Samardzija/Russell/Grabow show, which as you might suspect didn't end being very much fun. This is legitimately an awful season at this point. Good thing you have the Pub Crawl to look forward to. After that? Only death.

I don't want to end the article without mentioning that the Cubs drafted a new shortstop in the first round last night with the ninth overall pick. I understand we're likely to convert him to second or third, but I'd just like to emphasize that in a season where the only thing we're sure of is the shortstop we used our first round pick on a fucking shortstop. These are the lean years, folks. Enjoy the cheap tickets.

Oh SNAP! It's Pub Crawl Week!

2011-06-06T16:06:00.000-05:00

(And also our 700th post. How about that?)

Ladies and gentlemen of legal drinking age, we are mere DAYS from embarking upon the greatest sacrament to Cubs fandom that one can perform - the Third Annual Wasting Away in Wrigleyville Pub Crawl. The format is simple - nine bars, nine innings. We meet at Lucky's Sandwich Company (on Clark about a block south of the stadium), lay a base of giant sandwich, have a couple warm-up beers, then head over to The Yard for the first pitch. From there SHIT. IS. ON. Each inning, we hit a new bar and enjoy a cold beverage, all the way until the euphoric end at Wrigleyville classic Bernie's. Hot damn, I can almost taste the Old Style now. It's important to not forget our ground rules.

WAIW Pub Crawl Ground Rules

1. Straight cash.

Get plenty of cash before the crawl - you don't want to have to hit an ATM mid-crawl. A double-play can send us scrambling to the next destination while you're asking "hm ... $20 or $40" like some dumbshit. And if you dare to put down a credit card for your drinks, I'll shank you myself with a sharpened souvenir mini bat.

2. IDs at the ready

If they check your ID at the first four bars and you don't think to have the ID ready for the next five (and then some), then you're an idiot and likely shouldn't be trusted grown-up scissors. This whole thing only works if we act smart and expedite. Wear it around your neck if you have to.

3. Finish up and head on.

If you find yourself with an empty bottle with an out or two left, head over to the next place and get started anew. This always goes way easier when we stagger ourselves a bit. It's not easy to serve a block of 40 people who all come in the door at once on a Saturday afternoon. Have some pity for the poor bartenders.

4. Don't behave jerkoffishly

Yes, this is a drinking event. Yes, we will be hitting multiple bars. But don't make a mess, start screaming, or overserve yourself and throw up. That double shot of Jager? Not a good idea in the fourth inning. Be nice to the bartenders, and you'd better fucking tip. They've not got an easy job come Saturday.

5. Document

Texts. Photos. Twitter. We want your experiences, drunken philosophizing, and slurs directed towards the Phillies, our division rivals, and life in the NL Central in general. We'll put it all up on the blog.

6. Pick your side

Every year, Steve and I hate a drunken batting contest at Sluggers. You can cheer for me, or for Steve, but never both. This shit's gonna be WAR!

7. Have fun and make it to the end

By following our guidelines and PACING YOURSELF, you'll ensure a wonderful day of repeatedly drinking beer and repeatedly cursing the ineptness of your favorite baseball team. And really, isn't that what it's all about? Shit yes. Prepare well for Saturday, kids. It's gonna be superb.

Weekend Recap: fuck. Fuck. FUCK! FUUUUUUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....

2011-06-06T07:28:00.003-05:00

The Nazis also celebrated things. Just saying.

What a fucking weekend. One no-contest loss followed by two blown extra-innings games against the Cards. One game where we were outhitting them 11-1 and only up by two runs. Of course we blew it. Of fucking course.

Then Sunday, Zambrano goes on to rip the only other legitimately excellent pitcher on the team. No, he doesn't go after Marcos goddam Mateo or Jeff fucking Samardzija. He thinks he'll make hay by sniping the one stellar guy in the pen, who happened to have a few off fucking days lately. But hey, let's look at something he said:

""We should know better than this. We play like a Triple-A team. This is embarrassing. Embarrassing for the team and the owners. Embarrassing for the fans. Embarrassed — that's the word for this team.

A-FUCKING-MEN. Zambrano can be a bit of a douche at times - and spectacularly so in throwing his teammate under the bus - but holy shit is he speaking from my heart. It's getting pretty fucking hard to wear my Cubs hat around town knowing that it's an outward signifier of a mirthless, punchless, worthless team.

And not the Lovable Losers of my childhood - no, this is an overpaid, under-talented, whiny-ass bunch with overspending King Hippo in the goddam driver's seat. The owner says he wants to build things the right way, then keeps on a team president who KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT BEING A GODDAM BASEBALL EXECUTIVE. We're gonna nurture a top-flight farm system, then TRADE ALL OUR PROSPECTS FOR AN UNDERPERFORMING STARTER ON THE DL. We're going to reach out to the fans, then FUCK THEM WITH ANOTHER TIER OF EXPENSIVE TICKETS AND SEVENTY MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING DOLLAR BLEACHER TICKETS.

It's a bad time to love the Cubs. Fuck you to the Rickettses for making me wistful for Tribune Company management.

But hey - maybe we can take a game from the Reds. Lord knows I hate myself enough to watch.

Friday Five: Bullshit-pen

2011-05-27T08:16:00.004-05:00

Picture taken 1.2 seconds before a 3-run home run.

This is Friday Five, our erratically-updated list feature. After witnessing Wednesday's Coleman/Berg/Russell shit sandwich, we cast our collective Cubs fan mind back to the awful bullpen pitchers of yore. The only caveat was no closers - those are way easier to hate, and if we were allowed to, the list would have been four Kevin Greggs and one LaTroy. Given his mostly "oh shit" duty due to lack of skill, the much-reviled Samardzija didn't even make the cut. No, these is a series of relievers put in the game mid to late to get important outs. And they fucking sucked.

Dishonorable Mention - Chad Fox

He wasn't really around much - he pitched fewer than 12 innings with us over three years. I'm not sure what we ever saw in him. He was often-injured throughout a career that really only had one really good season and three decent ones. He's on this list solely for the single worst pitching performance I've ever seen. It was like a contest winner was out there throwing an actual big league inning.

It was during the 2009 season, before it went completely to shit. May something or other. We were up 8-2 on the Astros, game in hand. Aaron Heilman himself hadn't managed to fuck it up. In comes Chad Fox, facing 6-7-8. He walks the first guy on four pitches. Then Ivan Rodriguez - roughly 98 years old at the time - triples. Fucking triples. Jeff Keppinger grounds out to bring in Pudge. Darin Erstad hits another triple next. Good night, Chad. ERA? 81.00.

Two nights later, he somehow gets another opportunity in the 8th with us way behind at Miller Park. Walk. Wild pitch. Aaaaand that's a career.

5. Kevin Hart

He came as a spare part in the Freddie Bynum deal, and no one really gave a shit. He was the player to be named later. But then all of the sudden, he was keeping the ERA under 4 in Tennessee and Iowa and there was talk of a steal. He got some decent time in 2008, putting up a horrific 2.00 WHIP in mostly inconsequential situations. In 2009, he became a full-time crappy Major League pitcher, seeing an unconscionable 81 innings during a horrible year and giving up 10 hits per 9 innings pitched when he could hit the damn zone. You shuddered if he ever came in during an important situation. He was Rocky Cherry with more innings.

We finally unloaded him in 2010, as he had decent ERA numbers despite being mostly crappy as ever. In return, we got starter/swingman Tom Gorezelanny, as well as left reliever John Grab.... OH FUCK!

4. Will Ohman

The original despised crappy pitcher with inexplicably high inning count. He hasn't played for the Cubs since 2007, but the rage is still as fresh and palpable as ever. One decent season in 2005 failed to make up for pitching like a raging sack of shit the rest of his career. I rejoiced when he left town, and wondered if any team would be stupid enough to put him in a uniform. Turns out the Braves, Dodgers, Orioles, and Marlins were. And the White Sox. Of course.

3. Neal Cotts

Neal Cotts couldn't hit the strike zone if you paid him a hundreds of thousands of dollars. That's just literal. He aims for the outside corner, he delivers it high and inside to the catcher. He aims his hand toward his junk for some self-pleasure, and ends up with a class ring inside his rectum and an embarrassing visit to the ER. He aims to pick up a lady at a singles bar and ends up being escorted out of Chuck E Cheeze by sheriff's deputies.

At one point during an early season Cubs/Cards game at Wrigley I was attending, he came in with the game tied and threw 11 straight balls. By the end, I was gibbering like the protagonist of a Lovecraft story. Fucker.

After we released him, he never saw the majors again. He did fail to make it out of Spring Training with the Pirates, though. HA!

2. Aaron Heilman

We all knew it was going to be bad. We had some big wins over the (then-contending) Mets in 2008. Two of them specifically came because we hit the holy shit out of Heilman and his stupid fat face. Then we failed hard in the playoffs and Big Hendo decided that signing this tire fire of a pitcher would be the thing to get us closer to the series.

Clearly, that was not the correct decision. After a good early start, he hit the skids. Hard. A bad part of a bad season. At the time, he may have been the most hated former Notre Dame pitcher on the roster. Shocking, I know.

1. Bobby Howry

The one and only example of how shitty Jim Hendry is at assembling bullpens. Nominally a setup guy (Marmol what?), he came over from a decently successful AL career and started failing hard. Real hard. But don't let me tell it. Let me and Steve in the past tell it.

In describing a classic Howrification:

"With a runner in scoring position and two outs, historical Cub-puncher Carlos Lee settled into the box. So we're all imagining the intentional walk that is going to bring up some priss named Geoff Blum for a soft 3rd out. Instead, Bob Howry thinks he can go at Lee ... Ron Santo, the Wrigley crowd, and Bob Howry's shitty pitch are all crushed."

After Howry made an 11-2 game an 11-7 one with a single inning:

"I know that occasionally we deal in exaggerations and hyperbole on this fair site, so let me briefly shake off the cloak of wild rhetoric. I'm not going to say something like 'I hate Bob Howry,' or 'I want to eat his babies,' or 'If he gives up one more 3-run home run, I will make a change-purse out of his taint skin.'

What I am going to say is that no matter the lead, I begin feeling ill when he lopes off of the bullpen mound and starts lobbing little league fastballs at the plate."

After a patented Howry Classic (TM)

"Can someone explain to me how we make Backe throw 30 pitches in the first inning, hit four home runs, and still lose ... to the damn Astros? Oh, wait, I know how - Fucking Bob Fucking Howry. 0.0 IP, 4H, 4R, 4ER, 1BB."

Here's to you, Bob Howry. My fondest memory of you is when we cut you once and for all in 2010. It's perhaps the only happy memory that year.

Cubs 9 - Mets 2: Take That, Trainwreck!

2011-05-27T08:02:00.003-05:00

No, this isn't from yesterday's game. But the site I snag pictures from hasn't updated yet. And I can't really, you know, complain.

After Wednesday's super-frustrating Wrigley Field Super-Shitty Pitcher Exposition and Old-Tyme Country Faire, the Cubs re-kicked the asses of the Mets for a satisfying series conclusion. AND we jumped the Pirates in the standings. Big day.

Aside from a Benny Hill-like double error in the top of the 3rd that led to an early 0-1 deficit, yesterday was complete domination. Zambrano continued to pitch well, and got to leave the game without throwing 127 again, Both of our big-money lefties (Pena and Fuk) managed to hit balls out of the park. And we beat a team that we should damn well beat. That's about all I'm conditioned to ask for at this point.

We've got three games against Pittsburgh and three against Houston coming up. We've got a chance to peek over .500 (we're 22-26) before we run into the wood chipper of the Cardinals, Reds, and Phillies (PUB CRAWL!). Let's do this thing.

Mets 7 - Cubs 4 (6 inn): The Coleman/Berg/Russell Shit Sandwich

2011-05-26T09:54:00.005-05:00

"You, sir, are a fuck."

I took an evening last night to settle in and watch the entire game on my living room TV. Usually it's a game on the radio while making dinner or on the small bedroom TV while writing or folding laundry. But last night, I was going to do it up right.

Should have known better.

After a promising start - a 4-1 lead and the wind blowing - Casey Coleman gave up FIVE FUCKING HITS in a row. Then Justin Berg came in and Neal Cotts'd a couple more in with his complete inability to hit the zone. Then James Russell, who sucks marginally less than the other two, to give up only one run and complete the shit sandwich. Awful. Just fucking awful. This is why I've taken to doing productive things whilst our Boys in Blue are playing baseball.

But hey, not all bad. We did get this gem:

No sarcasm, I just find this incredibly charming.

Cubs 11 - Mets 1: MONTANEZ!

2011-05-25T08:08:00.003-05:00

"I'M LUIS MONTANEZ!"

2011 has been, to put it lightly, not a super-easy year to be a fan of the Cubs. We tend to not hit when men are on base, and to throw out starters who act like a pitching machine. Sometimes I wish the Cubs could play the Cubs and be the beneficiary of those infuriating gaffes. As it turns out, we're in a 3-game series with such a team. I'm usually really happy to not be a Mets fan in the first place, but their issues of late give me a whole new set of reasons.

I can almost hear the Mets fans going "OH, COME ON!" Welcome to the club.

I'd say last night was a parade of offense, except Luis Montanez (former third overall pick turned career minor leaguer) hit the shit out of the ball. When that happens, I lean a little closer to giving credit to Mets pitching. Castro looked good, Barney again contributed, and everyone not pitching or named Carlos Pena contributed to the offense. After Zambrano's 2-RBI pinch hit, I'm fairly convinced he should be playing first base on his off days.

I think Ryan Dempster reads this blog, as he appears to have taken our expert advice to stop pitching like an asshole. Ever since the shitfit-filled April slate of games, Dempster has looked damn good. The one game where he gave up more than 2 runs in May was one we still ended up winning. He's managed to look good not only against shit teams like the Dodgers and Mets, but also the Giants and Reds. With everyone and their brother on the DL, it's exceptionally good timing.

The Mets committed 3 errors. Their starter was chased early. Their bullpen couldn't stop the bleeding. But the final insult? Jeff Samardzija chased the Mets with 3 strikeouts in the 9th. If I were a Mets fan? Ouch. But as a Cubs fan? More, please. If the weather allows.

Cubs Media Monday: Free Satin Jacket!

2011-05-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned lately how much I love catching old local commercials with Cubs tie-ins? It's come up in the past.

Satin jacket? Hideous sportscar? Porn-ish acting?This, ladies and gents, is the 1980s personified.

Weekend Recap: FenWay Out of Contention

2011-05-23T09:15:00.000-05:00

Too solemn an occasion for a 'balls in the face' joke.

Watching the Cubs play at Fenway was incredibly surreal. It was like watching Captain America walk into the Batcave. I am a huge nerd. I could have gone without the constant parade of facts and talk of "cursed" franchises. And I could have gone without watching useless John Grabow take all the potential out of Sunday's game. And yes, I could have gone without the franchise turning into a MASH unit. But hell, that was pretty fun. Especially Saturday, when we got to see the Red Sox turn into the Cubs for the entire 8th, and when both teams took the field in what appeared to be poor Korean knockoffs of their respective uniforms. All in all, more enjoyable than the previous weekend series we've managed to drop.

"The fuck is that, some kind of green monster?

The bad news coming in was that we were down our #4 and #5 starting pitchers and our starting catcher. The really bad news going out was that we added our #3 pitcher, our starting CF, and our utility guy. When it rains, it pours.

Bad as Sunday's result was, it was good to see James Russell not get absolutely lit up in a start for once. Considering how late Garza's scratch was, things could have turned really ugly really fast.

Instead, they waited to do so until John Grabow came in and did his usual "I'm a horrible pitcher who gets paid $4.5 million" schtick. Think about that. Grabow - who costs $4.5 million and who I'm assuming Hendry chose over the much more useful Gorezelanny - was outperformed over the weekend by Justin Berg, and by everyone who isn't named Samardzija or Doug fucking Davis. Hell, even Scott Maine managed to right the ship on Sunday night.

The Ronnie, Fenway Weekend - Reed Johnson

He didn't hit Tim Wakefield any better than the rest of the crew, but he showed up big after we lost Byrd to a face-seeking missile. His double to left in the 8th on Saturday was exactly the kind of hitting we haven't been able to get all year when men poised to score.

He also looks the most at home of anyone when it's throwback uniform day. That's a trait I respect.

The LaTroy - John Grabow

I hate that I know a game is probably a lost cause when he comes in from the pen. I hate the way he pitches. I hate that no one seems to care that Jim Hendry gave him $4.5 million while cutting lose a capable starter who is getting paid half that. I hate that his aggressive awfulness is making my memories of Will Ohman, Neal Cotts, and Bobby Howry just a little bit fuzzier.

Weekend Recap: March in May

2011-05-16T08:24:00.003-05:00

Doug Davis was one of the most pleasant parts of the weekend. That about says it all, no?

Cubs 11 - Cardinals 4: YESSSSSSSSSSS

2011-05-12T08:44:00.000-05:00

A great time for our biggest winning margin of the year. These rain games are usually bad news - it's often hard to put the starting pitcher back in after an hour watching previously recorded Cubs material. Last night Garza managed to hit 96 on the gun after sitting for an hour. I may be up and down on the guy, but I'll always admit that it was a badass achievement for a pitcher. I'll also give credit to Quade for pulling his guy at the right time. Eighty-five pitches was plenty after the Cubs tagged that shit-ass Ryan Franklin for four runs to make a 6-1 game an 8-1 ass-stomping. Even Jeff Samardzija couldn't mess that one up, try though he did.

Cardinals fans love playing with dry cleaning bags. Darwin would approve.

Hell, I'll go ahead and say that this was the best game of the year. I loathe Ryan Franklin and his douchebag goatee - though I do love that he went off on those self-mythologizing Cards fans - and the line the Cubs put on him was just beautiful: 3 IP, 7H 4ER. Poetry.

All the hallmarks of a John-pleasing game were there - Fuk doing well in the leadoff spot, Starlin Castro with 3 runs and 3 RBIs, and a legitimate "how the fuck ..." moment when Koyie Hill managed a triple. The only starter who didn't end up with a hit last night was Matt Garza, and I imagine he's fine with that this morning. 17 hits altogether. Just lovely.

Today's matchup isn't as favorable - Casey Coleman (egggh) vs. Jaime Garcia (4-0, 1.99 ERA). But if we managed to pull a win out of our pinstriped butts, we'd manage a series win against our hated rival. That's always beautiful, and might distract me from the fact that we don't have a pitcher for Saturday's game against the World Series champions.

Cardinals 6 - Cubs 4: Gahhhhhhhhhh

2011-05-11T09:13:00.003-05:00

No time for a full recap today. Suffice to say that Zambrano pitched well enough, the Cubs hit frequently, yet paradoxically like shit (12 hits, no extra bases), and Woody really disappointed us in taking the loss. Theriot sucks, Soriano BLOWS, and I still hate the damn Cardinals. If you're wondering where Tony LaRussa was, he was absent due to his transforming into a Lovecraftian nightmare servant of dread lord Cthulu.

Not even kidding about that last one.

Weekend Recap: Nothing Offensive

2011-05-09T08:07:00.003-05:00

You think you feel bad, imagine if you'd paid to watch it.

The Cubs offense is starting me make me want to hurt myself and others. Every time we get men on base, I get this weird Pavlovian reaction where I start to get mad at their imminent stranding. Someone hits a leadoff double and I'm all "SONOFABITCH!" It's what happens when you go 2-12 with runners in scoring position. In one game. Not to mention the rest of the punchless weekend.

The Ronnie Award, 5/6-8 weekend

Kosuke Fukudome

Not that Fuk had a fantastic weekend by any stretch - his strikeout with the bases loaded and no outs on Friday being particularly egregious - but he's literally the only player who got his shit together long enough to deliver a kill shot. Literally, of all the chances we had all weekend to do some damage and put away a game, this was the one singular occurrence of it happening.

The LaTroy

Geovany Soto

It should be every-damn-body, but that's not the way this fake award has been set up to work by me. He gets the nod for the two back-breaking double plays he hit into.

4-24 with runners in scoring position. Can't imagine why the seats aren't full of asses with these newly-inflated ticket prices.

Cubs 5 - Dodgers 1: Sweet Throwbacks, Sweet Game

2011-05-05T08:24:00.004-05:00

"No, Zambrano! It's supposed to be a metaphor. A METAPHORRRRRR!"

And that's how Tony Gwynn III was created. Now you know ... the REST of the story.

Things went so well yesterday that I was suspicious up until the bottom of the 8th that we were in for a collapse. Zambrano was humming like the pitcher he's paid to be, Pena and Byrd face-punched the Dodgers into submission, and it was a great day to roll the windows down and listen to Pat and Kieth on WGN.

Ted Lilly, doing his best Greg Maddux face.

After rocking the sweet throwback unis, the Cubs went ahead and decided they should also rock former teammate Ted Lilly. It was a sad sight to see him laboring in the 6th while the bullpen frantically tried to warm up any arm not attached to Jonathan Broxton. Had it not been for a hilariously ill-advised Aramis Ramirez steal that led to a pickoff and tag at second, we could have seen our beloved former hurler ignominiously lifted from the game to the boos of the smattering of Dodger fans present. As it was, giving up three home runs (more than doubling his total on the year) couldn't have felt great.

In a way, I'm sort of glad we don't have Lilly anymore. He left on a good note, and remains a soft spot in the hearts of most Cub fans I know. To see him on this rebuilding team rocking that Samardaija-ian WHIP of his might just be too much. Sure, I'd love him at the moment with Cashner and Wells shelved, but at least we got a good exit out of him.

As for our own pitching corps, Dempster's start on Tuesday gave us a flicker of hope. But the fact still remains that we NEED Wells and Cashner back. We're basically giving away every game where we put James Russell on the mound, and the sad part is there's not really a better option hanging around. Casey Coleman is marginally less terrible, but that's about all we've got. What, you want Thomas Diamond? Or Samardzija? Unless one of these options stops being useless as a starter, we're still shit out of luck until late May. Our two broken starters aren't even rehabbing at Mesa yet.

But hey, the weather's getting better, our offense is getting better, and it's Garza v. Volquez tomorrow. I'm excited. Go Cubs go!

Cubs 4 - Dodgers 1: Putting it all Together

2011-05-04T09:37:00.003-05:00

"No, Geo, I already told you, I'm not 'gonna start pitching like shit' now."

Last night was quite the anomaly - a couple of the players that WAIW has been pissy about went ahead and pulled themselves together. Dempster went 7 innings with 6 hits and a run and Pena FINALLY hit a damn home run. Of course, to restore our universe to balance, Starlin Castro went 0-4. Apparently the NL works on karma.

Dempster's performance last night, though against a team with a fantastically shitty lineup, eased my mind a bit and brought his ERA back on the happy side of 9 (HA). Pena's dinger, while cathartic, did not provide nearly as much surcease, as he's still rocking a .515 OPS. In that fashion, I'd like to let you know what each of the following Cubs scapegoats must do to get back in my good graces.

- Geovany Soto: Bring that average over .250. I don't care if you've got to get fat again to do it. And please stop grooming the beard so precisely. It creeps one out.

- Alfonso Soriano: Please bring up the OBP and batting average. Failing that, hit 10 homers every month.

- James Russell: Personally heal Wells and Cashner so we don't have you watch you start games anymore. Go back to being a mediocre bullpen option.

- Jeff Samardzija: Take back up the mantle of football. Sign with Packers. Cry on bench.

- John Grabow: Change name to "Not John Grabow" and renounce all athletic competition. Become hot dog vendor. Give me free hot dogs for life. Apologize on deathbed.

Weekend Recap: Cubs Split With D'Backs

2011-05-02T07:38:00.005-05:00

After splitting with the Diamondbacks, it's quite clear that we NEED our starting pitchers back from the DL. I've been saying that for awhile now, but there's a new wrinkle. Instead of preventing additional Casey Coleman or even Jeff Samardzija starts, I want them back so they can spell Ryan Dempster's nuclear arm. Holy shitcrackers did his early-season awfulness come to a head on Thursday. His stats:

0.1 IP, 4H, 7R, 7ER, 4BB, 1HR

Also, this:

40 pitches, 18 strikes

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. That's horrible! That's bringing-a-kid-up-from-Iowa-who-will-be-too-tramatized-afterward-to-ever-pitch-again horrible.Certainly not worth the $13.5 million salary or the $14 million player option that will kick in after this year. The best thing this contract can do now is lose Jim Hendry his job.

The Ronnie, weekend of May 1 - Alfonso Soriano

Who would you guess is leading the NL in home runs? Troy Tulowitzki? Albert Pujols? Prince Fielder? All good guesses, but no. Our oft-reviled $120M man, Alfonso Soriano, is tied with Ryan Braun at 10 homers. After being lifted for Colvin on Thursday, his two solo shots on Friday went a long way toward winning the game. He also added two RBIs during Sunday's win and a double during Sunday's shit-storm. He's now got the team record for most homers in April. If you told someone that Sori would be making Cubs history this Spring, I don't think they'd have imagined it would be in a good way.

As a cynical blogging type, I'd like to put it out there that he may just be getting our hopes way up for a mid-season dragon kick of disappointment.

The LaTroy - Carlos Pena

It was bound to happen. Just getting replaced by Jeff Baker twice during a weekend series would normally be enough for a guy making $10 mil. But given up opportunities on Friday and Sunday, he literally did jack shit, collecting a single hit on the weekend.

His OPS is now lower than ... let me see here ... EVERY FUCKING NON-PITCHER. Seriously. Blake DeWitt? .513. Darwin Barney? .809. Tyler Colvin? .532. Meanwhile, our "power hitter" has an OPS of .482. That's not just bad, that's Aaron Miles bad.

What's that? Miles is at .602? You have got to be shitting me. Pull it together, Carlos.

Rain Day Tribute: Fat Elvis is King of All of You

2011-04-28T07:24:00.002-05:00

No game yesterday, due to the fact that it's been raining, by my estimation, since the end of the blizzard. It saved us from a Casey Coleman start, so there's always that silver lining. It brought back, as the PPD notice always does, to my favorite rain delay of all time. Cubs/Pirates during that superb 2008 season. Dempster on the mound, and a reign of fury in the clouds. I was experiencing my first visit to D'Agostino's, which has by now become one of my favorite Cubs game traditions. The thunderstorm hit with a bang, so much so that the power flickered a few times. When it wasn't, we were treated to rain out coverage on the TV. While that's usually a snooze, this Fat Elvis cat decided to make things fun for everyone. And I found the video. Hail to the King, baby:

Glorious.

Pub Crawl Time. WOOOOOOOOOO

2011-04-26T13:43:00.004-05:00

Mark your calendars, children. Saturday, June 11th, our beloved Cubs take on the Phillies and their collection of robot pitchers. Nine innings, nine bars. Sheeeeeit yes.

Weekend Recap: Bad Start(s)

2011-04-25T10:03:00.004-05:00

The Wrigley organist really needs to learn the Charlie Brown music.

Between the weather, the still-small crowds, and the overall lack of competent play, the Cubs put on one hell of a crap weekend series. Ryan Dempster continued to look like hot garbage, Zambrano's weird winning streak halted emphatically, and it becomes clear how screwed we are in the rotation until Cashner and Wells come back. We're back under .500 and a game and a half back of first. Casey Coleman can't start, James Russell clearly can't start, and I'm starting to suspect that Ryan Dempster can't start. Worse still, we're pinning hope on Cashner and Wells to radically improve the rotation. Oh my.

The Ronnie Award - Easter weekend

A tie between Starlin Castro and Darwin Barney.

This combination - one I like to call StarBar - combined for six RBIs in the team's only win over the weekend. It's too bad they had to victimize the shit out of WAIW favorite former Cub Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. Hell, Lilly made Dempster look like a respectable starting pitcher, and that's quite the feat these days.

They're both hitting well over .300 for the moment, and more important saw a hell of a lot of pitches. If they can manage to keep up production while staying patient, we might have an offense once the rest of the team decides to pull its head out of its ass.

The LaTroy

Ryan Dempster.

It can be denied no longer - Ryan Dempster has aged into crappiness. We got used to a solid, dependable pitcher who didn't freak out like Zambrano or necessitate long spells on the DL. He won 15 games last year on a substantially crappy team. He started Opening Day. Not that I'd term him such, but he had many of the qualities one finds in a staff ace. Not so much in 2011.

His best performance so far was only giving up four earned runs (5 total) in the loss to Arizona. His next outing, he threw 21 more pitches and only one more strike. Weirdly enough, that was his only win. And it remained the only W after Saturday's 9 hit, 7 run 5 2/3. Add in the three homers surrendered over the weekend, and he's already given up 8 homers over five starts.

I blame his Canadian-ness. He's all distracted over the NHL playoffs.

Friday Five: Needs Improvement

2011-04-22T12:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Friday Five, where this week, we're piling on early. But to temper that negativity, we're focusing on who can improve instead of just saying fuck it and titling it "Worst So Far." We're positive like that. These are the five Cubs who most need to step it up before the weather starts getting warm enough for people to actually start going to games.

There were a lot of people that could have been on this list. I had to ignore completely reasonable candidates like Marcos Mateo, Jeff Samardzija,

5. Tyler Colvin - 48 PA, .136, .208 OBP(!!!!), 11 K (!)

He'd rank higher on the list if I had believed the hype about him last year. Many appear to have done so, but even his execrable performance so far hasn't stopped eBay sellers from having mad unrealistic expectations.

He did put a merciful end to the extra-inning icebox game on Monday, and for that we thank him.

4. John Grabow - 6.2 IP, 2 HR, 8.10 ERA, 2.40 WHIP (!!!)

Here's the sole point on this list where "needs improvement" turns into "needs to injure himself in a vegetable peeling mishap." I absolutely cannot believe that Hendo gave him $4.8 million this year to pitch like he's in the midst of a full-blown herpes outbreak.

John Grabow is like Will Ohman, Neal Cotts, and your creepy uncle Randy all rolled into one package. One failed, overpaid, underskilled package. If the Cubs are in a tight game that's gone to the bullpens and you see Grabow come in from the pen, best to go get a beer. Game's about to get way less exciting.

3. Ryan Dempster - 1-2, 25.0 IP, 6.84 ERA, 29H, 5 HR (!!)

Ryan Dempster has started this year looking like a video game pitcher who has dropped below 50 percent stamina. He's still able to get guys out, but not for long. He fades faster than Jan Michael Vincent's career post-Airwolf.

I understand that he's not really ace material at this point, but one could reasonably expect a man of his salary range to not explode like a tire fire with regularity this early in the year. We need quality starts from him in May and June to stay in the Central race, especially with our demonstrable lack of quality starters at the moment.

2.Carlos Pena - 60 PA, .208 SLG (!!!!), 9 H, 2 R, 0 HR

No doubt that the wind blowing in from the outfield has all but negated his power. That still can't explain how his slugging percentage/OBP ratio looks like that of the late Rey Sanchez. We need him to hit for a ton more bases if we're going to continue this ludicrous square dance with our .500 record.

The depressing part is that his average (.188) isn't all that ridiculous compared to his career numbers. Could be a long year. Thankfully, it will only be one.

1. Matt Garza - 0-2, 24.2 IP, 33 H (!!), 1.662 WHIP (!!!)

We cleared out the minors for Matt Garza, and he can be an incredibly exciting pitcher to watch. But some bad, BAD teams have tagged him in the early going. Things aren't going to get any easier than the Pirates and Astros, so he'd best learn to bring that WHIP down.

Clearly the front office was hoping for an ace in training. But it's pretty clear that Matt Garza has a lot of developing to do before he can be a top NL pitcher. Cutting down on the hits sure would be a good start.

Crimes Against Commerce: Cubs.com's Hat Sale

2011-04-22T07:35:00.004-05:00

As someone who has ordered a bunch of tickets from the team in the past, I was bound to get on the Cubs.com e-mail advertising list. It's not usually great deals on offer (especially for tickets, especially with the secondary market this year) but it happens, and if it really bothered me, I'd unsubscribe. Hell, occasionally I'll check out what they're selling. This very morning, for instance. There's a sale on Cubs hats just for today, pictured above. I decided to check out whether there was anything that caught my eye and also came in "giant-ass head" size. Nothing really caught my eye. And when something finally did, it was for the wrong reason. Observe:

I scrolled through the rest of the site to see if they were selling a bunch of team's caps. Maybe a vintage Expos number, or a Nationals hat with that wacky Walgreen's W on it. Nope. Just 136 Cubs hats and 1 White Sox hat. Now you might say "Eh, it's just one." But this is a slippery slope, my friends. Soon it's 2-3 Sox hats, maybe a Cardinals tank top. Soon, we're selling Ryan Braun's Douchetees (TM) and those stickers of Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo. Band with us to end this menace, brave folk, before it's too late.

Chicago Cubs: The 500-est Team in Baseball!

2011-04-21T05:41:00.000-05:00

Wrigley Field, come for the ... atmosphere?

We were above .500 - for a couple hours. Following the split of a day/night doubleheader that made me feel cold just watching at home, the Cubs have now been 1-1, 2-2, 3-3, 4-4, 5-5, 6-6, 7-7, 8-8, and 9-9. And yes, I absolutely had to list each of those individually. It looks like it's going to be a long year of trying to get on the right side of that line. During my childhood full of terrible Cubs teams, this might have been enjoyable. Post-2003, it just feels like running in quicksand. But you know what? We're also in first place. Bet you didn't see that coming. Sure, it's a tie with the Reds, Brewers, and Cardinals, but it's still a sweet, sweet taste of the lead.

Rejoice with us, children! After the jump.

"Yay! We're briefly in over 500!"

That we're in first place at all - even in a weak division, even in a four-way tie - is pretty amazing considering how precarious our starting pitching is. I'm giving him all benefit of the doubt, but James Russell is not a starting pitcher. Against perhaps the worst offense in the NL (and that's quite the distinction) he couldn't last more than 4 innings. Hell, even Matt Garza, who was last seen playing the role of pitching machine against the Pirates, managed to keep the Padres to 1 run. What happens when Russell has to throw against Albert Pujols in the middle of summer when the wind is blowing out at Wrigley? It's going to look like the second coming of David Patton.

And the tens of ... fans cheered!

So far, the things that have been going well read like a bizarro version of our expectations. Marlon Byrd is still struggling to get on track, while Darwin Barney is above .300. Aramis is off to a .324 start, while Tyler Colvin is can't even manage an OBP we can mention without involuntary head shakes (.208, if you were wondering). Fukudome continues his usual Spring routine, so enjoy that while it lasts. I always do - Fuku is the one Cub I can never bring myself to curse ... for all that long.

Off day today, then a series at home with the Dodgers, who Bud Selig just went all Repo Man on. Let's enjoy our Cubs. Weather's only going to get warmer.

Cubs 9 - Astros 5: The Zambrano Rollercoaster

2011-04-14T09:21:00.002-05:00

Say you're watching a baseball game - any game, really - and the pitcher who has staked you to a solid 5-0 lead through 5 innings hits one out of the park. Good, stuff, right? Apparently not. The correct answer would be "I predict imminent near-disaster."

Indeed, our volatile ... um, ace? ... took in this moment of personal triumph and immediately gave the Astros 5 runs in the bottom of the very same inning, with Mike Quade strangely looking on, thinking "someone should do something about this!" By the time he dragged his ass to the mound, Z was already off of it and we were looking down the barrel of a 1-run game. I blame Zambrano for completely losing focus and falling on his ass well shy of 100 pitches. I blame Quade for forgetting that he was the manager and his pitcher was sucking wind like a fat guy in a fourth floor walkup.

Happier ruminations after the jump

Now that we've gotten that vitriol out of the way, let's look at the good. Instead of imploding - much like ... most of 2010 - the Cubs managed to rally and put a solid three insurance runs on the board in the top of the 9th. Clutch business, that. And Starlin Castro (how awesome is he?) and Darwin Barney look considerably better than any 1-2 match in recent memory. I've softened somewhat on DarBar, who I recently referred to as an example of how shitty our minor league system was. I reserve the right to sour on him in the future, as his play dictates, but for now it's mea culpas and ice cream. Castro also had some clutch defensive plays, though I continue to fear him Shawon Duston-ing the ball into the dugout. But if he keeps leading the majors in hits, he can even do that once in awhile.

The bullpen, which prompted another Shiner Bock after Z's exit, ended up performing exceptionally. Marcos Mateo has burned us in the past, but was able to put out that fire in the 6th fairly quickly by inducing a flyout to foul territory. Marshall looked sharp as ever, and already has 5 (!!) holds on the season. K-Woo earned a solid hold in his first appearance since handing Sunday's game to Milwaukee, and also looked like he lost some weight. Of course, that could have been the beer goggles.

Today is a day without baseball, which is a sad circumstance indeed. There's also no hockey, which could be either a good or a bad thing in light of last evening's Blackhawks flop. Any suggestions on suitable sports entertainment for the evening? I'm thinking boxing on XBox, along with Sun Drop, whiskey, and some deep dish.

Astros 11 - Cubs 2: Well, That Didn't Work

2011-04-13T09:02:00.002-05:00

Darwin Barney was tragically sucked into James Russell's implosion.

"The. Cubs. Are. Awful."

- Steve, 7:31 pm

Yeah, it was that kind of night. Our lack of starting pitching didn't get any better, and it's looking like Samardzija's eventually going to get some starts out of Russell's faceplant.

It's weird, because if I told you that Tyler Colvin finally snapped out of it and had a good game at the plate (with a homer!), Starlin Castro went 2-5 in the leadoff spot, and Marlon Byrd hit 3-3, you might imagine we did okay. We did not, in fact, do okay. Russell's collapse led to 3 innings of Samardzija, which led to a pretty good Jeff Stevens inning and a third and Marcos Mateo Striking out the side. Then it was one long John Grabow suckfest for the 8th - 5 hits and 4 runs (3 earned) - while Quade just left him out there to stew in his own awfulness.

Why, WHY?!? are we paying John Grabow guy FOUR POINT EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS to pitch like this? He's possibly the worst pitcher in a pen that has Jeff Samardzija in it. It's horrific. Even my most-hated bullpen memory - Bobby Howry - didn't infuriate me so much with completely undeserved salary. I would also like to point out that Tom Gorzelanny - who we could really use right about now - could have been paid both his 2010 ($800K) and 2011 ($2.1M) salaries out of what we pay shitass Grabow, with almost two million to spare. Why does Jim Hendry still have a job?

Cubs 5 - Astros 4: Castro-ation

2011-04-12T08:13:00.004-05:00

The following conversation occurred last night via Blackberry Instant Messenger:

Steve: Are you watching the Cubs?

Me: Nah, catching up on that Killing show on AMC (Note: I have my reasons. Question me not).

Steve: Too bad, it's sweet effectively watching 3 straight homers given up by Dempster.

Me: He's back to 07 levels of awful, eh?

Steve: Yes. Technically 2, but one was reviewed and called off.

Steve: Then fancy boy just let his bat go into the stands.

Always love a good Hunter Pence "Fancy Boy" callback around here.

This conversation is revealing. A, it reveals that I was catching some sweet despair-porn on AMC instead of watching the Cubs. B, it reveals that less than two weeks in, we're already comparing current levels of Dempster-sympathy to the hated 2007 closer edition. We started WAIW in 2008, so you fine readers never got to spelunk the depths of our hatred for the man's ability to close a game in the 9th. But it was as fiery and white-hot as anything up to and perhaps including Kevin Gregg. So in hope of writing a recap, I went to Baseball Reference and got all nerd on the stats. You're welcome.

Now it's not really Dempster's fault that he's coming up on 33 and a couple years of heavy workload, but his inability to hit the zone late in games is becoming panic-inducing. Against the Pirates and D-Backs, it tended to happen on counts of 3-1 or 3-2. Last night, he gave up Bill Hall's homer on 3 pitches, Bourn's almost-HR on 3, and the final homer to Angel Sanchez on 2. And it's really too bad, because if he could have pitched his way out of that inning and left it 5-1 or even 5-2, it would have been solid. Instead we're bitching again on the blog. But the fact was that Quade was clearly hoping to rest most of the bullpen for James Russell's start today, as that might not last very long. Instead, we had to burn three guys. Or at least two pitchers and suckass John Grabow. Dempster threw 115 pitches, but wasted a lot of that goodwill generated through 6. We might have been able to get out of the game without burning another wild-ass save from the Marmot.

The message Quade should take to heart is that you don't want Dempster in the game after a certain point. He pulls that quick-fade act like Michael J Fox playing the guitar in Back to the Future. There's just no way should can put in pitches like 2008, especially this early in the season. At best, he's a number 3 guy who happened to be our Opening Day starter. You could argue that there's no real number one around anymore, but the more pressing issue seems to be the lack of both 4 and 5. Sure would be nice to have Sloth still around.

Weekend Recap: Back Under .500

2011-04-11T07:56:00.004-05:00

Well, that was fairly painful. All my worrying about facing Yovanni Gallardo, and it turns out that it's Chris Navreson who is indeed the destroyer of worlds. Either that or our offense is pretty damn bad. I'm going with the second one. A pretty enjoyable win on Friday - with power-hitting hero Jeff Baker, of all poeple - followed by an absolute bomb of a Saturday and a painful Sunday (why, Woody? Whyyyyy?) that included Woody taking the loss and Marlon Byrd making one of the stupidest decisions to steal that I've ever seen.

To be fair, I quite enjoyed Friday's win. A solid (if not super) performance by Zambrano, solid holds by Marshall and Woody, and a death-defying heart attack of a Marmol save. This is the way things are supposed to work, right?

The Ronnie: Jeff Baker

Might be a rare award for the man - even after a great Friday, he still got replaced on Sunday by Darwin Barney. A great 3-run homer to bring us back from 0-2 behind was one of the few high points over the weekend. Weirdly enough, he currently leads the team in batting average at .421. Honestly, if I told you that between Jeff Baker and Tyler Colvin, one of them would be hitting in the .130s, I don't think you'd have picked correctly. Speaking of that...

The LaTroy: Matt Garza/Tyler Colvin (tie)

Early 2011 Matt Garza reminds me greatly of the more regrettable Rich Harden performances of the past. He'll strike out a ton of guys, but spend the time in between Ks giving up solid hits to the outfield wall. He's got 20 strikeouts on the year and an equal number of hits given up, along with 8 runs (all earned). That's a 5.68 ERA for which we cleaned out the minor league system in a rebuilding year. But please, Mr. Ricketts, be sure to keep Jim Hendry around.

The other problem Saturday was the non-presence of any semblance of offense. You can blame that on just about everyone, but I'm going to go ahead and say that Tyler Colvin typifies the problems we've been having generating runs this year. He's a possibly-overmatched guy who management expected to take a big step forward this year. Hasn't happened yet. He only managed one hit over the weekend, and was replaced on Saturday by Reed Johnson, who has clearly passed his "best by" date. Let's see if Colvin can pass a .250 line before his bobblehead day next week.

Friday Five: Favorite Games

2011-04-08T08:01:00.006-05:00

Here's our new idea for a Friday feature - five of something, anything, every Friday. We Internet folk are OCD-like in our love of lists. All of the neat order, none of the painful hand scrubbing and inconvenient stove-checking. A new topic will run every Friday - barring hangovers, malaise, and our computers contracting Digital Chlamydia.

Today's topic? Those favorite moments of triumph we attended in person. As you can see from our sidebar, Steve and I go to a hell of a lot of games. And that sidebar just barely scratches the surface. It's just when we started keeping track - we've both lived in the city since graduating college, so it's not a stretch to say there's a few dozen not pictured. In that time, we've seen some highs (Derrek Lee hitting a grand slam on the day they retired #31, the 2008 division clincher) and some lows (11-2 down in the second inning against the Giants last year). Here's a look at my five favorite days at Wrigley.

#5 - September 27, 2006: Cubs 3 - Brewers 2

An insignificant late-season game held when Dusty was limping his way out of town. But also my first night game. My brand-new girlfriend came to the game along with me, my roommate, and Steve. We made a drinking game out of the Deal or No Deal DVD game and got absolutely wrecked on Goldschlager. Henry Blanco was the hero, Matt Murton was batting cleanup, and the Cubs won to pull to 17 games back with a handful to play. Truly these were golden times. I still have the fridge magnet of the FanPhoto.

#4 - June 19, 2009: Cubs 8 - Indians 7 (10 inn.)

Ever get a really, really bad feeling about the game getting called? That was the entire morning of this game for me. Friends had come into town, and we'd been forced to hunker down at Salt & Pepper and down repeated pitchers while the rain just poured down. At this point, the concern was just getting them into the stadium to experience some of Wrigley before they called the game. I didn't think we'd even get in the stadium - it was still early, and the rain was awful. To my great surprise, the rain let up and they actually ended up playing baseball. Perhaps the muggiest game of baseball I've ever been to.

This was the first game of the Wood/DeRo return tour after so much animosity had been generated at their departure. Tickets were hard to come by, and both our departed players got standing ovations. After all those good feelings, the Indians proceeded to beat the holy shit out of us. Luis Valbuena hit a 3-run homer in the second, followed by Victor Martinez doubling the tally in the third. DeRo jammed home the knife with an RBI in the 4th, and suddenly this much-anticipated interleague game (and those are rare) was an unapologetic ass-kicking.

At this point, we voiced our commitment to the new goal of the day - getting drunk. And drunk we got, rousing briefly for a Reed Johnson solo shot in the 5th, and a D.Lee solo homer in the 6th. The 7th was a dud, and no one seemed all that hopeful. Especially those non-fairweather fans who cleverly disguised themselves as empty seats vacated by assholes.

Bottom of the 8th - bases loaded, two outs. Andres Blanco (remember him?) lines a shot along the right right line, driving in two runs. Then Koyie Hill reaches on an error and the runner on third scores. Then Soriano singles in Blanco before Theriot goes all asshole and ruins the rally. Suddenly, it's 7-6. Something big is happening. Everyone can feel it through their protective coat of Old Style.

After Marmol filthifies the side in the 9th, Derrek Lee steps in to face Kerry Wood with one out and none on. D.Lee mutters something along the lines of "Thanks for the memories, now fuck off" and destroys a ball into the left field bleachers. Everyone who was Cubs fan enough to stay goes ape-shit. Indians fans in the place begin to Carradine their belts into makeshift nooses. It's going to extras, but everyone know the Cubs are going to win, which they do when Theriot redeems himself with a single in the bottom of the 10th.

So it came to be that when I didn't think there'd be a game, there ends up being one of my all-time favorites. And there was much rejoicing and eating of Mexican food. And my friend doth lost his wallet, but it eventually came back unto him. Truly it was a day of miracles.

#3 - August 19, 2006: Cubs 5 - Cardinals 4 (10 inn.)

I'd just moved back to Chicago from my first post-college gig in Hawaii, where I used to get up at insane hours of the morning to watch the Cubs fart away a promising season. When I got back, I started dating this girl I talked to on the phone every day whilst on the island (who I eventually married). As I was still looking for employment and living in Uptown, she got a job in the horrible, horrible burg of Northbrook. It being her first adult paycheck, she was predictably gobsmacked at having that amount of money all at once. She asked if I thought a pair of Cubs/Cards tickets was a good idea. Yes, yes indeed it was.

It was, in many ways, your typical Cubs/Cards template. Cards go up early, obnoxious, bitchy St Louis fans end up sitting next to us, and thick tension in the late innings. And, just as one might predict, Albert Pujols is put into a clutch situation - down 4-3 with the bases chock-full of assholes in red. He gets a pitch he likes from Michael Wuertz and hits a booming fly ball to deep CF. I was already shaking my head before I noticed that Murton was still tracking the ball. And by some holy-shit miracle, it falls into his glove and the Cubs are out of an inning. Pujols was not the grand-slam hero of the day.

No, that hero was Phil Nevin, who lined the winning run off of Isringhausen in the bottom of the 10th. The only day in my life where I'd have taken Nevin over Pujols.

#2 - June 21, 2008: Cubs 11 - White Sox 7

Cubs/Sox tilts are by their nature, shitty. I don't know how the white trashiest elements of each fan base manage to get tickets to the series every damn time, but they make up at least 45 percent of the crowd. This series arguably gets more personal between the fans than when the Cardinals come into town. And how those South Side dickbags (take the goddam sticker off your hat!) love to chirp when their team is ahead 4-1 and yours has Jason Marquis on the mound. But this was no ordinary 4th inning, and their fanbase forgot that Jose Contreras is a tire fire of awfulness.

Jim Edmonds started out the inning with a homer, which sort of pissed me off, because I was in the slowest-ever line to get nachos and beer. I should have been in my seat, slowly warming up to the former hated rival. But I did get back in time to see Mike Fontenot (in full Malibu mode) hit a follow-up. 4-3. Solid. Just as I was thinking "maybe we can get ahead in the next couple of innings," Jason Marquis started a parade of 4 base hits that ended emphatically with A-Ram's 3-run homer that chased Contreras from the game and left him shivering in the shower in the fetal position like a Lifetime movie heroine.

And you know what happened? I finally got to see my Jim Edmonds homer. Nice of him to do it twice in an inning. An excellent way to spend a Saturday.

#1 September 20, 2008: Cubs 5 - Cardinals 4

These are the second-to-last-row 500 section tickets that I still point out to people. The Padres will be inexplicably kicking the shit out of us on a lazy July afternoon, and I'll suddenly lazily wave a sausage-finger over toward the upper deck and mumble "s'where I saw us win the DIVISION in oh-eight." Depending on how good a friend my companion is, they'll feign interest.

Like Hunter Thompson said in his soliloquy about the hippie generation in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, you can almost see the high water mark where the wave broke. A perfect day for baseball, a magic number of 1, and a pair of tickets that I'd just happened to buy in February, before any of the madness of that season had played itself out. As the cards all fell in my favor during the run-up to the game, I couldn't even bring myself to look at what tickets were going for on StubHub and Craigslist. I didn't want to subject myself to temptation, because there aren't a lot of times you get to see the Cubs play a win-and-clinch game against their most hated division foe. It ended up being a smart decision.

An amazing game, with the Cards cutting a 5-0 lead to 5-4 during a bad Lilly inning. Tension you could cut with a knife for the entire 9. And perhaps best of all, Kerry Wood closing out the division on a lazy Aaron Miles fly ball before the insanity started. That year may have ended on a ridiculously disappointing note, but I'll never forget how amazing it felt to be at Wrigley Field on that triumphal day. It's the "happy place" I go to whenever Jeff Samardzija trots out to the mound.

Off-Day Diversions

2011-04-07T10:52:00.005-05:00

I miss baseball already. Here's some tangentially-related stuff to ease your mind-grapes.

- So you've seen the gloat-y local news items, and you've heard me talk about how easy it is to get a ticket. But here's proof positive, a screen shot left over from my browsings Monday.

- As Steve's mother pointed out in yesterday's comment section, Tuesday trip to the bird-riddled upper deck was indeed an opportunity to enhance my collection of bobbleheads. This year, the Cubs are doing homegrown prospects in their minor league unis. I think that's a pretty bitchin' idea, even if our minor league has been precariously thin lately. Tuesday's promotion was the one I really wanted, as it features not only Starlin Castro, but the Tennessee Smokies uniform. Having attended college at the University of Tennessee, I actually used to go to the same bar as a lot of the Smokies players of the era. Good guys. Terrible at pool. So this was a winning promotion for yours truly. For Castro? I imagine he'd wish they made him a bit less cross-eyed. Take a gander.

- I'm not quite sure if Dempster's early crappiness worries me more or less than the loss of Wells for a spell and Cashner for a good while. I get that it's our own fault for placing so much on a 33-year old converted closer. Hell, Baseball Reference lists his most similar pitching match as Chan Ho Park. I'm still reminded of this classic example of Dempster (as closer) vitriol: the Dempster Fallout Map, created by Jake from Thunder Matt's Saloon, lately of Terrible Cubs Fan. Awesome.

- Next up is a series against the Brewers. I'm not going to lie, things could get ugly. We're not going to see Greinke, but we are scheduled to see Gallardo, who smoked the Braves. Our pitcher for Sunday's game? TBD. Fun stuff.

Get Ready for some hot Thomas Diamond Action

2011-04-06T13:08:00.004-05:00

Eesh. Remember that whole "bad with the good thing" from my game recap? Well we'd best have something good coming down the pipeline, because we're going to be missing both our 4 and 5 starters for a good few weeks. This is clearly the work of the vengeful Horse-Head. So who do we have lying around to pick up the slack? Provided that we don't end up giving Marshall a spot (which has proven time and again to be a really bad idea), we're looking at the following, and making up nicknames for all of them:

"Anonymous" Thomas Diamond - 3 games started in 2010: 13.0 IP, 17H, 12R, 10BB, 1.759 WHIP (!)8.31 ERA.

Well, shitsnacks. Opponents hit .347 (!!) against him and got on-base at a rate of .444 (!!!). But don't worry, guys. Considering how pitchers rehab, it'll only be for 3-4 weeks. I'm going to slam my hand in a drawer now.

James "The Love Muscle" Russell - Never has started for us, but threw 49 innings in last year's lost cause and managed to keep the ERA under 5. I thought he looked good yesterday, but that was in relief of Samardzija and Mateo. I imagine he'll get a shot here soon, as we don't want to take Marshall out of the pen and leave Grabow as the only lefty.

Casey "Moleman" Coleman - 8 games started in 2010: 57.0 IP, 56H, 27R, 25BB, 1.421 WHIP, 4.11 ERA.

Decent numbers last year, but that low(ish) ERA seems like a fluke considering the number of hits and walks he gives up. Hell, he's not even terribly impressive in Iowa, though he does keep the number of baserunners down. I'd still rather see him over Diamond any day.

Jeff Samard.... NO! I DECLARE THIS THOUGHT EXPERIMENT TO BE OVER.

(runs away crying)

Cubs 6 - Pirates 5: Zen Philosophy and the Nightmarish Horse-Man

2011-04-06T07:42:00.005-05:00

"I diagnose some ice cream for you, buddy."

Your intrepid reporter blithely ditched work for the early-season Cubs baseball action yesterday. Or, rather, politely requested off of work and was kindly granted said request. You know, like a badass. Either way, early-season weekday baseball is back in the blood at WAIW, where we never miss an opportunity to heckle Samardzija from the cheap seats.

Oh, and what heckling there was to be had. Yesterday's game was an excellent example of how you've got to take the bad with the good as a Cubs fan. Sure, Marlon Byrd finally had a big game at the plate. But we also saw Koyie Hill bat, which is like having two pitchers bat consecutively. Andrew Cashner looked great yesterday, but also ended the day with an MRI. James Russell looked like a solid bullpen option, but still gave up the lead on runners inherited from the useless Mask/Mateo duo. But we cling to hope here, not so much even due to the play at the moment, but because Thunder Matt alum and fellow attendee White Chili won $100 in Dairy Queen money from this terrifying horse-man from some diabetic Lynchian nightmare.

Horse-Man: The miscarried offspring of a thousand gibbering lunatics, here to foretell the end of man. Boy, I sure could use a Dilly Bar, though.

Ever seen a freakish horsehead man and thought "I could go for a Butterfinger crushed up in soft serve?" Apparently, people have. Anyway, back to the game. After building what should prove an insurmountable lead (the D-Backs are really, really bad), we lost Cashner to a sore shoulder and the lead to a pair of fuck-ups who can't find the strike zone except to give up a base hit. It's par for the course with what you'd expect from Samardzija, but I had higher hopes for Mateo. James Russell pitched well, but couldn't keep the D-Backs from tying because he'd been handed a shit-sandwich of baserunners. This is what happens when you burn your setup and closer three days in a row. I'm just glad we had enough capable arms (plus Samardzija) on the roster to finish out Cashner's early exit. They may have to call on the ghost of Rod Beck this afternoon if Dempster can't hang around.

Even more, sans Nightmare Horse, after the jump

Halfway through the game, no less.

Attendance yesterday was announced just over 27,000. That's pretty bad, and apparently the day before was the worst-attended Cubs game since Bruce Kim was fucking around in the dugout back in 2002. It's weird how the Ricketts kept the worst President in baseball, a GM that managed to spend us into a $145M fourth place finish, and raised the prices, and yet people still don't want to come to the game. Personally, I bought my tickets off of StubHub, and two tickets - fees and all - were still more than 10 bucks less than the price of a single 500-level ticket. Now that I've managed to slag the ownership in my contractually-obligated manner, I will say that the following picture was pretty damn funny. Just a bird, hanging out in the seats people were paying $70 for as recently as 2008.

Me and this garbage-eating bird both love seeing the game without paying the Ricketts.

Rock on, bird. Me and that bird, we're good Cubs fans. Probably because we lack all but the rudimentary ability to learn from the past.

Opening Weekend Recap: Huzzah Baseball! Boo Cubs!

2011-04-04T07:23:00.007-05:00

Like "Dawn of the Dead," but less cheerful.

First thing's first. We will admit that the trip to Mesa was one long string of drinking and laying in the sun. It's not the best atmosphere for the serious reportage that you know and love from WAIW. The entirety of my notes come down to this - along with ketchup and mustard, there is a ranch dressing pump at HoHoKam park. A ranch dressing pump. A PUMP. FOR PUMPING EXCLUSIVELY RANCH DRESSING. AN IMPLEMENT FOR THOSE WHO NEED DELIVERY OF GREAT AMOUNTS OF RANCH DRESSING WITH EXPEDIENCY. My brain broke. There's your update. And thanks to College of Idiots for an excellent tailgate.

I have no idea why Robert Redford, and I do not give a shit about Robert Redford. But it's low on the list of Ricketts decisions I'm mystified by.

But there's no need to dwell on our, as Wolfie puts it, "bum"-ness. Because baseball's back. Real, honest to god, drink four pitchers before the game and fall asleep at 7pm, baseball. And it's glorious. Not so much the play, just being back in those hard plastic green seats and knowing after months off exactly which concession stands both take cards and sell Old Style. Even better, Wrigley Field now sells Vienna Beef hot dogs and D'Agostino's Pizza. While you may be familiar with Vienna's legendary mechanically-separated meat sausage, D'Agostino's is a Wrigleyville legend in itself. It's the place we always end the WAIW Pub Crawl, even if I'm sleeping. It's the place where Kerry Wood and Hendo hammered out Woody's return to the North Side. And damn if it isn't the best thin crust in the city. I haven't yet tried the ballpark variant, but it can't be worse than that horseshit from Connie's. The Vienna Beef dog, which I have tried, is heaven. Especially eight pints into Opening Day.

The mayor is a Cubs fan? This seems like something Sox fans will bitch about. As if they needed something else.

The WAIW crew, plus some alumni of Thunder Matt's Saloon, were in attendance for Opening Day, mercifully under cover during the shitty, shitty rain that persisted throughout. As shitty as the rain was, Dempster did it one better, giving up all six runs in the loss via long ball. Even Samardzija, who the entire stadium was having fun heckling, couldn't top Dempster's performance, where every batter seemed to start with a 3-1 count. That puts me at 2-3 all time on Opening Day since my brother and I decided to make it a tradition before the 2007 opener. I now have many memories of shitty weather, mediocre baseball, one incredible Ted Lilly start, and a fridge full of magnet schedules. It's a good life.

Keep reading, and see a new WAIW feature, after the jump

For the Weekend Recaps this year, we're going to give out two weekly awards - the Ronnies and the LaTroys. The former - in honor of our dear departed WGN Radio color man and Cubs legend - will go to the player or players who gave us the best reason to cheer during the weekend series. The LaTroys are quite literally the opposite. They're to be awarded to the player who fucks up so bad that you want to want to scream "fuck you, LaTroy!" until you realize they aren't LaTroy, they're just shitty and you're just drunk. We'll close with our observations for the upcoming week. And that'll be that for as long as we remember to update in the correct format.

Ronnie Award, Opening Day Weekend - Starlin Castro

A healthy .615 batting average. If he can keep this up over an entire season, then it's as clear a sign as any that we're in suspended animation in a videogame while robots feed on us.

Let's be honest, Starlin Castro is going to be the only reason to tune in a lot of days. Say we're eighteen games back in August and there's a road game against the Diamondbacks on TV late. Oh, but what's this? There's also a marathon of Quincy, M.E., on cable? Shiiiiiit, man. Decisions. But I think the exciting young shortstop gets the call. And given how a lot of this team played last year, he might be the lone deciding factor between staring at Mike Quade or Jack Klugman on TV.

LaTroy Award - Ryan Dempster

This would have gone to Alfonso Soriano, who was already getting boos by the end of Opening Day, but he had to go ahead and make a big hit in our lone win Saturday. Asshole.

Demp had a bad outing against the Pirates, no two ways about it. But it's just one outing, so we're reserving the hate that we're sure we'll feel for late-season LaTroy Winners. The kind of hate we would never feel for Dempster Baby, unless, say, he moved back to the closer's role.

This Week...

- Tickets are already priced laughably low on the secondary market. You can thank everyone who bought a shitload of tickets but just wanted to see the Yankees.

- I bought a pair of those cheap-ass tickets for Tuesday's game, because it's the first bobblehead day of 2011, and you know I have a serious problem. Starlin Castro in his Tennessee Smokies uni. Dig.

- Is anyone excited to see how Randy Wells pitches today? It's been a long road from "exciting" to "#5 caliber."

- I'm predicting now that this Soriano situation turns ugly before All Star Break. He's a shadow of what he used to be.

- Lots of empty seats by the 7th inning on Opening Day. Sure, it was raining and we were losing. Lot of empty seats Sunday early on. Eesh.

- Opening Day bleacher seats cost $72 - FACE VALUE. It's official - I officially fucking hate the bleachers. Record it.

- Baseball's back, and I'd like to take this moment to enjoy that fact that I'm so happy for something that I know is going to leave me so pissed off. Happy 2011, kids!

To the Desert!

2011-03-16T14:23:00.003-05:00

The time has come once again to journey to the land of cacti, shockingly lax gun laws, and space coyotes voiced by Johnny Cash. That's right, kids - WAIW (well, half of it) is going to Mesa for Spring Training.

Awesome. I still plan on eating some insanity peppers.

I was once again reminded of how much I hate the Ricketts family ownership when I attempted to buy four tickets to Sunday's game and noticed that for the convenience of forking over for four tickets, they wanted to tack on a fifth ticket's worth of "Convenience fees." I've paid more ticket fees in my day than most men, and even to me this seemed a Ticketmasterish level of "Fuck you in the face" from the Undercover Boss and his Okie brood.

Oh well. There will be tailgating, a College of Idiots crossover, and enough beer to soothe my enraged soul. I may or may not eat In N Out Burger more times than is recommended by the Surgeon General. We'll have updates for you throughout, so strap in, kids. The 2011 season is nearly on.

Breaking News: Cubs Tickets On Sale?!

2011-02-26T12:26:00.005-06:00

Next year, look for the silhouette to be facing the other direction

So yesterday was the day that, for as long as I could remember, I wait for from post-Bears collapse on. Its the day that makes me think Spring is finally here, and the shit we put up with throughout the Winter in Chicago (seriously, there hasn't been snow on the ground for a week, please remove you Rubbermaid from the street and let me park) is almost over. But this year, it was different. I had known that the tickets were going on sale on the last Friday in February for awhile, yet would have completely forgotten had John not texted me that the VRMs were open. Of course, being a creature of habit, I dutifully entered and played the waiting game.

Of course, the games everyone wanted were the same: Yankees top priority (hell, the whole ad campaign for tickets this year has prominently featured Yankee players), then Opening Day, then Sox on Saturday, and maybe a Cards game in August. By the time I got in, all the Yankees were gone, Opening Day was still available (and still is!), Sox and Cards were gone. Sign. No games really excited me enough to commit to them now, so I DIDN'T BUY A SINGLE TICKET. It was a first for me. Waiting a couple hours (though, a few years ago, I know people that waited upwards of 12 hours before getting in), looking at the options, I decided, eh, pass.

This doesn't mean I won't be going to any games. I will attend the Opener, as I have most of the past 10 years. I did end up buying tickets later on in the day (around 3:30 pm, was able to go directly into the ticketing site, no VRM) for an anomaly on the schedule of a Saturday home game against the Giants at 6 pm (yikes, that's going to be a mess!), but that's it. If last year taught me anything, its that tourists pay face.

So what does it all mean? I think people are sick of paying for the privilege of sitting in Wrigley. The fact that they have a gall to charge $72 for bleacher tickets is almost enough to make me boycott the season altogether (which would last about as long as a an Artie Lange fast).

Geo Soto fired has last off-season trainer.

So I guess that sums up my ticket day. This one certainly has the most depressing theme of our ticket day posts here and here and here and especially here. I guess that's why its been so long since I've posted.

We AWAIWKEN!: Your Guide to the Cubs Offseason

2011-02-16T09:44:00.006-06:00

Hello there, boys and girls of WAIW. While we wait for the season (and commensurate AWESOME PUB CRAWL - announcement to come) to start, let's go over what we missed while sitting on our blogger asses.

- Garza: Cub. Carlos Pena: Also Cub, but a less exciting story.

Prepare for Archer and Hak Ju Lee to immediately become incredible players. Trading prospects away is the only way I can be convinced they'll develop into major leaguers some day.

Pena's contract is nice, as we get out of it after a year, without worrying about a crazy backloaded deal. Speaking of backloaded deals...

- Marmol: Rich, beyyyyotch!

Thank god. I don't care how much you have to pay that filthy son of a bitch to stay around, he's worth every penny of this three year, 20M deal. We'll all curse his name and this deal eventually, because that's the nature of the closer. But let's remember Kevin Gregg, shit on his memory, and drink a toast to Carlos Marmol (filthy).

He'll make three million this year, and seven million in two years. Oh Big Hendo. Now you're just fucking with us.

- Pick 13 Plan: Oh, fuck you.

Since the Mastercard pre-sale must not have worked out for them last year, the Ricketts ass-brain trust has decided that if you want to see the Yankees with a dame (or fella), you'd better pony up for 24 additional tickets. Sure can't wait to see the Pirates on a Tuesday in September for full price - but hey, you got to see us get clobbered by the Yankees, right? That was fun, right?

- Zambrano: Better

No, seriously guys. Like, he's gonna chill and shit. No more ... oh, who am I fucking kidding?

So there you go - you now know all you need to know about the 2011 Chicago Cubs. Get your drankin' shoes on, ladies and gents. Tickets go on sale next Friday.