Cubs 3 - Pirates 2: MarMeltdown! (A Text Message Drama)

Friday, April 5, 2013

Cubs 3 - Pirates 2: MarMeltdown! (A Text Message Drama)

. Friday, April 5, 2013

Kevin Gregg glasses added for effect

Yesterday was another whip-fast game of completely offense-less baseball. Pat and Keith kindly praised the pitching for both teams, as to reflect overly on the offense would lead to madness. For much of the game, Travis Wood had accounted for 33 percent of the offense - for both teams. WAIW favorite Starlin Castro's RBI in the top of the third looked to stand up as the series-decider in this deal-ball garbagefart of an opening week. Nate Scheirholz of all people provided a cushion on top of that. But then Dale Sveum (and really, the front office if we're not playing coy) gave Marmol a chance to close things out. And now I'll steer you to the text exchange between Steve and myself:

John: Fucking. Marmol.

Steve: Why do we let him fucking play?

John: The futile hope of a trade.

Steve: On a fucking 0-2 as well [note: this was directly after Gaby Sanchez's hit]

John: This makes me insane with anger.

John: So it looks like we have a new closer. Anyone else.

Steve: I hear Kevin Gregg is getting tired of staring blankly at a wall.

John: Sighing loudly and eating Sour Patch Kids.

Steve: And every few minutes rewinding a music box.

John: The little ballerina has one arm broken off and the paint is chipped.

Steve: While he sits in a yellowing wedding gown

John: One bare lightbulb swinging overhead.

Steve: Poor Greggy.

Luckily, the Pirates are even more snakebitten than the Cubs over the last couple of decades and managed to waste the tying run on third with no outs. But the drama remains. Who will close games?  James Russell looks sharp, but he's a lefty, so rest assured that he'll only be under-used for stupid things. Kyuji Fujukawa looks good, but the meatheads on WGN's post-game show haven't learned his name yet apart from "Dat Japanese Guy" (we have two, you fucking idiots). 

Honestly, you all saw the "offense" on display. We might not need a closer for a while. Certainly not with that Braves lineup looming. Let's just pop an Old Style and hit the snooze button on this one.