Weekend Recap: Slapfighting the Rockies

Monday, August 27, 2012

Weekend Recap: Slapfighting the Rockies

. Monday, August 27, 2012

Late-Season Non-Contending Baseball: CATCH THE FEVER

When playing terrible baseball, it helps matters greatly to run into an equally terrible team during a homestand. With this great aid, and Chris Volstad finally running into the one lineup that didn't tee off on him, the now 49-77 Cubs managed to take 2 of 3 from the now 51-75 Rockies.

 Ever see two skinny nerds get pushed too far during your grade school years? They come to blows in a sharp, angular cacophony of attempted violence, neither possessing the skill or physical gifts necessary to win decisively. Eventually, the wide-swinging open handed slaps start. This weekend of baseball was that very slapfight. Two nerds, just wailing away over the superiority of Next Generation over the original Trek. In the end, it was the Rockies that got their glasses broken.

Lazy Bullets!

- Of course this is the way Chris Volstad's legendary streak of horribility would end. Not with a celebration, or a dominant win, but a gross, rain-shortened slog of a year-end game. We at WAIW have never been the greatest Volstad fans, so we won't offer false praise. Instead, we'll say this: Congratulations to Volstad. He didn't so much earn it as finally put at end to a streak that was as statistically baffling as someone winning Powerball twice.

- We caught on to this way later than we really have any excuse for, but for those of you even slower on the draw than us, we're excited to re-re-re-report that the Cubs single-A club for next year is looking like the Kane County Cougars. This is excellent news for those of us who like to bury our depression in dreams of the future.

 - Joe Buck is an unbearable, sanctimonious douchebag. His droning WHAMP WHAMP WHAMP of a voice hits one like a mist of Axe Body Spray to the eyes. His latest assault on the senses? This "beard" of his, from the weekend's preseason football "action."

- At a department store the other day, I ducked into the baby section with my wife to scout presents for her sister's upcoming baby. I noticed that shameless money-grubber J.C. Penny is still charging full price for a baby-sized Marlon Byrd jersey. RIDICULOUS! My eye then wandered over to the solo Sox offering. Carlos Quentin! Womp womp.

- Brett Jackson is up to .206/.306. The amount of "Brett Jackson is heating up" stories this has inspired is hilarious. Not that he didn't have a nice weekend. And at the very least, he isn't hitting like Josh Vitters. All the pitchers are, though, so there's that.