SCIENCE! - Samardzija Bobblehead Edition

Thursday, May 31, 2012

SCIENCE! - Samardzija Bobblehead Edition

. Thursday, May 31, 2012

It is well-documented that I am a big fan of the bobblehead giveways, barring the stupid-as-fuck 2010 edition that featured Ryan Theriot in a fishing vest and Carlos Zambrano playing soccer. I'll even go to Jeff Samardzija bobblehead day, despite my well-documented dislike for any and everything Notre Dame. And I'm glad I did, because look at that thing. It's a glorious masterwork of super-creepy sculpture. Look into its eyes and feel the hopelessness of a cold, indifferent universe.

In the short period of my ownership of this mysterious artifact, I have done a number of experiments, because ... science. As such, I have a rundown on the capabilities and drawbacks of owning this unique item.

BEHOLD - SCIENCE!:

- You cannot sleep with this in the room.. Not only do its eyes follow you like a haunted painting in a Hammer horror film, but it will literally come alive at night and try to kill you. Even says so on the box.

- You can leave it in the garden or field to scare away crows. And barn owls. And superstitious Gypsy women.

- You cannot leave this alone in the house with cats. Came home and the cat had given birth to a hissing abomination with a thick neck and Inigo Montoya facial hair. Had to kill it with fire and bury it in consecrated ground. Hell of a Thursday night.

- You cannot leave it within 500 yards of a school, daycare center, or Chuck E Cheese. The neighbors get super ornery.

- You can trade it in for six pre-owned VHS copies of Rudy or a lightly soiled Ron Powlus jersey.

- You can bring it to John Barleycorn and have six bros from Naperville send it rounds of Bud Light or vodka-Red Bull. But why would you ever want to go there?

- You cannot feed it tacos, no matter how drunk you get and/or how hilarious you think it will be.

1 comments:

Corey said...

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.