well-documented that I am a big fan of the bobblehead giveways, barring the stupid-as-fuck 2010 edition that featured Ryan Theriot in a fishing vest and Carlos Zambrano playing soccer. I'll even go to Jeff Samardzija bobblehead day, despite my well-documented dislike for any and everything Notre Dame. And I'm glad I did, because look at that thing. It's a glorious masterwork of super-creepy sculpture. Look into its eyes and feel the hopelessness of a cold, indifferent universe.
In the short period of my ownership of this mysterious artifact, I have done a number of experiments, because ... science. As such, I have a rundown on the capabilities and drawbacks of owning this unique item.
BEHOLD - SCIENCE!:
- You cannot sleep with this in the room.. Not only do its eyes follow you like a haunted painting in a Hammer horror film, but it will literally come alive at night and try to kill you. Even says so on the box.
- You can leave it in the garden or field to scare away crows. And barn owls. And superstitious Gypsy women.
- You cannot leave this alone in the house with cats. Came home and the cat had given birth to a hissing abomination with a thick neck and Inigo Montoya facial hair. Had to kill it with fire and bury it in consecrated ground. Hell of a Thursday night.
- You cannot leave it within 500 yards of a school, daycare center, or Chuck E Cheese. The neighbors get super ornery.
- You can trade it in for six pre-owned VHS copies of Rudy or a lightly soiled Ron Powlus jersey.
- You can bring it to John Barleycorn and have six bros from Naperville send it rounds of Bud Light or vodka-Red Bull. But why would you ever want to go there?
- You cannot feed it tacos, no matter how drunk you get and/or how hilarious you think it will be.
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