The Piss Incident

Friday, April 6, 2012

The Piss Incident

. Friday, April 6, 2012

Warning - searching piss pants images will remind you that there are a lot of weird people

Scene: Left field main concourse men's bathroom

Time: In between the second and third inning

As often happens between innings, the bathrooms jam up and it is inevitable that you will have to wait in line before pissing.  A majority of us, of sound mind and body, simply wait until it is our turn, and then relieve ourselves in what is considered a socially acceptable manner.  This, however, is not what happened.

While in the bathroom, I saw a gentlemen that can be best described as Joran van der Sloot if he went to a lot of Umphrey's Mcgee shows. If anyone is familiar with the left field bathroom, you know that there are two sets of troughs and the walls are at weird acute angles (for those that need a refresher).  Van der Sloot had made it to a spot in one of these corners. That's right, he had made it!  

He was standing in front of a trough.  I myself was second in line, two spaces to the left.  I was doing the standard wait in line actions - an occasional knowing head nod to someone else in line acknowledging both that we have to piss and that there was nothing else to do but wait in line but mostly looking down at the floor, avoiding any penis sightings.  As I am scanning, I notice something doesn't seem quite right.  Van der Sloot is standing at the stall, but his pants are rapidly getting a darker shade. That's correct -   I also saw piss filling up his jeans.  

Now that alone should be enough.  But what I found most odd and disturbing was the fact that he had no knowledge of this event occurring.  His whole right leg was covered in piss while he was standing at a vestibule that's sole purpose is to accept piss.   

Unfortunately, my investigative journalism talent only goes so far.  Unlike John, I am hesitant to use my phone in the men's room.  I suppose I should have followed him to see reactions of others, as this is the most exciting thought experiment.   Think about him walking back and getting back to his seat. Think about the mechanics of such a maneuver for a moment - if he goes ass away, you are probably safe if you stand up to let him through (side note: if you don't stand you get a face full of piss - which probably serves you right if you are one of these dicks that don't stand for people that are trying to get in/out of a row).  If he goes ass towards, he is rubbing piss on the backs of unsuspecting people's heads in the row above, which seems unfair as they have no way to defend such a thing.  Much worse is the individual that has to sit on his right, as those seats do not provide for much width, so you are basically sitting pant to pant with this guys piss.  I'm sure he did not last long as his seats, but I'm certain he went back, as, again, he had absolutely no knowledge that anything was amiss.  

So there you have it.  The Piss Incident.  While I was disappointed in how the game ended, I'm reminded of how much worse things could be.