IT BEGINS: The 2012 Season and What We've Missed

Saturday, March 31, 2012

IT BEGINS: The 2012 Season and What We've Missed

. Saturday, March 31, 2012

Much like the Vichy Government during wartime, it's a well-documented fact that WAIW goes dark during the offseason. Our baseball-less depression is such that we've no choice but to drink rye whiskey and stare at our computers like some hateful, vengeful god of deprivation.

But hey, shit's on now. My expensive credit card receipt from the Chicago Cubs confirms this. Opening Day is on like a son of a bitch. And who can wait for the titanic Opening Day battle of Wrecked Arm Guy vs. Fading Canadian?

Steve tells me via text that the posters hanging outside of Wrigley are Ian Stewart, Bryan LaHair, David DeJesus, Carlos Marmol, and Jeff Baker. Gonna be a looooooong year. But good news for you who share the view with Steve and I that Cubs games are best experienced at the 100 level for less than $25 per ticket.

Since We Left Our Intrepid Heroes

- Zambrano ... gone. Who are the local sportswriters going to have automatic menstrual cramps over now?

- Aramis ... gone. I feel like we're going to remember exactly how bad 3rd base at Addison and Clark normally is. I assume Steve disagrees.

- Hendry ... gone. I've finally stopped smiling every time I say that. Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer take over. And if they both tried their hardest to fuck up the Cubs, they couldn't do any better than Hungry Hungry Hendo.

- Anthony Rizzo, 1B prospect extraordinaire, from the Padres for a steal. I liked Andrew Cashner a lot. I'm one in a group of less than 39,000 who ever saw him start a game in person. I thought he had some amazing potential. But I think we've learned our lesson with injured arms up here on the North Side. Can we please purge Micah Hoffpair and Jake Fox from our collective memories?

- Pub Crawl? May 12, vs. The Brewers. Will anyone notice this far down in the article?

- Jeff Samardzija? In the rotation. Because that hasn't ever blown up in our faces before.

- Sean Marshall? Gone. Vaya con dios, Lefty. Surely having Dusty Baker as a manager couldn't portend doom.

- Carlos Marmol? Here. And it's an even-numbered year. We'll see how much hair he makes us pull out. Or if he even has many games to save. Or if he's here mid-year.

- Bleacher pricing can go fuck itself. $140 for the Red Sox/Cubs Saturday night game. The Bleachers now are officially the opposite of the Bleachers of the 80s and 90s. Enjoy the lawyers on their iPhones as the new "Bleacher Bums." When I chant "Right Field Sucks" this year, I'll truly mean it. You suck. Fuck you.

- I'm super-excited to watch Starlin Castro for another year. Lord knows I'm worried about his off-field troubles in the interim since the last game. Wouldn't be the first time I've made a poorly-advised shirt purchase. Plus, you know, that poor woman.

We're very nearly at Opening Day. My brother in law is finally going to experience Cubs Opening Day in all its glory. I hope he brought his Drinking Pants. Or at least some Sipping Cargo Shorts.