Weekend Recap: BALLLLLLLLS

Clearly, the joygasm from our organization finally jettisoning the 300-lb. shitbag who got us into the current mess knocked us unconscious for a couple of weeks. I hope we didn't miss anything good.

3 out of 4 dropped at home to Atlanta? Three straight to the hated Brewers? Ugh.

Moving on ...

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FUCK YES! FUCK YES! FUCK YES!

HENDRY GONE

But don't take my word for it

https://twitter.com/#!/thekapman/status/104570551196057600

So long, suckass!

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Astros 6 - Cubs 5: Worst Way to Lose

Losing to the Astros in their stupid choo-choo train park always sucks. Losing on a walk off always sucks. Losing on a walk off grand slam by a run sucks incredibly. Seeing your closer give his best Kevin Gregg impression blows.

All of these things we managed to see last night in one tire fire of a ninth inning thrown by Carlos Marmol. And frankly, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Truth is, the Marmot tends to follow the "One Good/One Bad" rule familiar to those familiar with traversing several blocks in D.C. A demonstration, if you will:

2008: 87.1 IP, 2.68 ERA, 114 K, 0.927 WHIP

2009: 74.0 IP, 3.41 ERA, 93K, 1.469 WHIP

2010: 77.2 IP, 2.55 ERA, 138 K, 1.185 WHIP

2011 (so far): 3.47 ERA, 57.0 IP, 73 K, 1.386 WHIP

Remember how awful his 2009 was? Probably not, because we had Kevin Gregg, Aaron Heilman, and Jeff Samardzija shitting up the joint. But Marmol was decidedly non-filthy in his pitching. Look at that WHIP and tell me with a straight face that it's ok. It's fucking not. He's a little ahead of the pace this year, but the blowups are even more painful because we can't get within a dozen games of .500.

On the plus side, next year should be a fucking great one for him.

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Weekend Recap: This AGAIN?

Mike Quade lived up to his minor league tenure. Complete bush league move. And now I can't read the papers for another few days until Haugh, Wittenmyer, and everyone on the Score stops cramping.

Even when we're on a hot streak, it's something. Eesh.

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Cubs 7 - Pirates 6: The Pirates are The Pirates Again

"Coach said he'd buy us ice cream!"

The Pirates went from first place to 7 games back in less than two weeks. Ouch. They also got swept by the Cubs, losing a 6-4 lead in the 8th inning of a save-face game. Double ouch.

But that's not the biggest concern of Pittsburghers today. No, they're still on the lookout for a local man accused of luring PNC Park-area children into his rusted van with bags of candy. If only we had some sort of clue:

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Cubs 1 - Pirates 0: WE WIN A SERIES AGAINST THE PIRATES!

Matt Garza, Sean Marshall, and Carlos Marmol pitched well for the Cubs, shutting out the Pirates. Charlie Morton and Jose Veras pitched well for the Pirates, shutting out the Cubs. In the 8th inning, Starlin Castro hit a homer off of Chris Resop.

That is ALL THAT HAPPENED.

Fin.

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Cubs 11 - Pirates 6: TRIUMPH!

The Cubs beat the Pirates - kicked the shit out of them, in fact - and Alfonso Soriano dominated the game with his bat. Remember when that used to be a scenario that didn't surprise us? It was the best Throwback Night promotion I could imagine for 2011.

As usually happens when we murder a team - a rarity to be sure - the big players threw up some gaudy-ass stats. Castro led off with three hits and a walk. A-Ram knocked 4 RBIs in. And perhaps best of all, homers were to be had in bunches, from Soto, Byrd, Soriano (2!!!), Ramirez, and Colvin. That's right, Colvin. In his first start back from Siberian exile, Colvin went 3-5 with an absolute BOMB of a homer that found the river as surely as a hillbilly family looking for their annual bath.

The win last night gave us the second 3-game winning streak of the year. One in the next two will finally give us a series win over the Pirates, who are admittedly flailing since getting fucked on that call against the Braves. Let's see it happen. Go Cubs Go.

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Weekend Recap: Jim Hendry, Certified Shitbag

"Hmm. Now where did I leave that Cheez Whiz sandwich?"

Over the weekend, the Cubs just barely snapped a 5 game losing streak, leaving them at a hair over 20 games below .500. On Saturday, they jumped out to a 5-0 lead on their most hated rival, then gave up the next 13 runs with nary a peep. A payroll that dwarfs most teams, and on-field product that makes one long for the glory days of 75-win teams.

And one man looked at this tire fire of a team, this terrible team with no prospects. And he said "I'd like more of this!" That man was Jim Hendry. And he is fucking terrible.

Shipping Fukudome, as it turns out, was his only move. And even that move required taking on two prospects who will NEVER see Wrigley Field and shipping over a truckload of cash to offset the $14M salary that Hendo signed him to in the first fucking place. Other than that, he said, the Cubs are standing pat.

STANDING PAT? STANDING FUCKING PAT??!?

"Standing pat" is something you do with a contending team that has a decent chance of making the kind of stretch run necessary to make the playoffs. It's not something you do with a bloated payroll on pace for 60 wins. The deadline, at the very least, is the time when you look for that silver lining. New guys are in, and at the very least, some money's off the books and the new people aren't the ones who have been shitting up Addison and Clark for the past hundred games.

But no, after years of digging this particular hole, Hungry Hungry Hendry decided to just lean on his gravedigging shovel and whistle a cheerful tune. Much like a mentally ill person would do.

So what's on the horizon? Nothing. You'd imagine that after two seasons in a row of utter failure, there MUST be some sort of change on the horizon. But have you been paying attention to the Rickettses since they took over? The only changes have been in advertising and ticket prices. They want to charge you 70 bucks to watch from the bleachers, but they've never considered whether there's anything at Wrigley worth paying that much to watch. Mr. Ricketts hasn't even gotten rid of the WORST TEAM PRESIDENT IN BASEBALL. No, Crane Kenney - the Trib Co. placeholder - has now presided over two full seasons of terrible Ricketts baseball. Nor has he gotten rid of a man who has managed to build a 47-win team by August with over $100 million in payroll. And why would we think he would?

I've seen nothing positive about the man, just bullshit stories about how me met his wife in the bleachers and once lived across the street. Big fucking deal. Have you SEEN any of the people in the bleachers at Wrigley? Like, say, this stupid asshole? Hey, that guy's been in the bleachers! Let's put him in charge of a team that hasn't won a pennant since 1945! Hopefully we can put the "Ricketts is Cubs material through and through" myth to bed. Then put a pillow over its face and hold it until the thrashing stops.

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