Friday Five: Bullshit-pen

Picture taken 1.2 seconds before a 3-run home run.

This is Friday Five, our erratically-updated list feature. After witnessing Wednesday's Coleman/Berg/Russell shit sandwich, we cast our collective Cubs fan mind back to the awful bullpen pitchers of yore. The only caveat was no closers - those are way easier to hate, and if we were allowed to, the list would have been four Kevin Greggs and one LaTroy. Given his mostly "oh shit" duty due to lack of skill, the much-reviled Samardzija didn't even make the cut. No, these is a series of relievers put in the game mid to late to get important outs. And they fucking sucked.

Dishonorable Mention - Chad Fox

He wasn't really around much - he pitched fewer than 12 innings with us over three years. I'm not sure what we ever saw in him. He was often-injured throughout a career that really only had one really good season and three decent ones. He's on this list solely for the single worst pitching performance I've ever seen. It was like a contest winner was out there throwing an actual big league inning.

It was during the 2009 season, before it went completely to shit. May something or other. We were up 8-2 on the Astros, game in hand. Aaron Heilman himself hadn't managed to fuck it up. In comes Chad Fox, facing 6-7-8. He walks the first guy on four pitches. Then Ivan Rodriguez - roughly 98 years old at the time - triples. Fucking triples. Jeff Keppinger grounds out to bring in Pudge. Darin Erstad hits another triple next. Good night, Chad. ERA? 81.00.

Two nights later, he somehow gets another opportunity in the 8th with us way behind at Miller Park. Walk. Wild pitch. Aaaaand that's a career.

5. Kevin Hart

He came as a spare part in the Freddie Bynum deal, and no one really gave a shit. He was the player to be named later. But then all of the sudden, he was keeping the ERA under 4 in Tennessee and Iowa and there was talk of a steal. He got some decent time in 2008, putting up a horrific 2.00 WHIP in mostly inconsequential situations. In 2009, he became a full-time crappy Major League pitcher, seeing an unconscionable 81 innings during a horrible year and giving up 10 hits per 9 innings pitched when he could hit the damn zone. You shuddered if he ever came in during an important situation. He was Rocky Cherry with more innings.

We finally unloaded him in 2010, as he had decent ERA numbers despite being mostly crappy as ever. In return, we got starter/swingman Tom Gorezelanny, as well as left reliever John Grab.... OH FUCK!

4. Will Ohman

The original despised crappy pitcher with inexplicably high inning count. He hasn't played for the Cubs since 2007, but the rage is still as fresh and palpable as ever. One decent season in 2005 failed to make up for pitching like a raging sack of shit the rest of his career. I rejoiced when he left town, and wondered if any team would be stupid enough to put him in a uniform. Turns out the Braves, Dodgers, Orioles, and Marlins were. And the White Sox. Of course.

3. Neal Cotts

Neal Cotts couldn't hit the strike zone if you paid him a hundreds of thousands of dollars. That's just literal. He aims for the outside corner, he delivers it high and inside to the catcher. He aims his hand toward his junk for some self-pleasure, and ends up with a class ring inside his rectum and an embarrassing visit to the ER. He aims to pick up a lady at a singles bar and ends up being escorted out of Chuck E Cheeze by sheriff's deputies.

At one point during an early season Cubs/Cards game at Wrigley I was attending, he came in with the game tied and threw 11 straight balls. By the end, I was gibbering like the protagonist of a Lovecraft story. Fucker.

After we released him, he never saw the majors again. He did fail to make it out of Spring Training with the Pirates, though. HA!

2. Aaron Heilman

We all knew it was going to be bad. We had some big wins over the (then-contending) Mets in 2008. Two of them specifically came because we hit the holy shit out of Heilman and his stupid fat face. Then we failed hard in the playoffs and Big Hendo decided that signing this tire fire of a pitcher would be the thing to get us closer to the series.

Clearly, that was not the correct decision. After a good early start, he hit the skids. Hard. A bad part of a bad season. At the time, he may have been the most hated former Notre Dame pitcher on the roster. Shocking, I know.

1. Bobby Howry

The one and only example of how shitty Jim Hendry is at assembling bullpens. Nominally a setup guy (Marmol what?), he came over from a decently successful AL career and started failing hard. Real hard. But don't let me tell it. Let me and Steve in the past tell it.

In describing a classic Howrification:

"With a runner in scoring position and two outs, historical Cub-puncher Carlos Lee settled into the box. So we're all imagining the intentional walk that is going to bring up some priss named Geoff Blum for a soft 3rd out. Instead, Bob Howry thinks he can go at Lee ... Ron Santo, the Wrigley crowd, and Bob Howry's shitty pitch are all crushed."

After Howry made an 11-2 game an 11-7 one with a single inning:

"I know that occasionally we deal in exaggerations and hyperbole on this fair site, so let me briefly shake off the cloak of wild rhetoric. I'm not going to say something like 'I hate Bob Howry,' or 'I want to eat his babies,' or 'If he gives up one more 3-run home run, I will make a change-purse out of his taint skin.'

What I am going to say is that no matter the lead, I begin feeling ill when he lopes off of the bullpen mound and starts lobbing little league fastballs at the plate."

After a patented Howry Classic (TM)

"Can someone explain to me how we make Backe throw 30 pitches in the first inning, hit four home runs, and still lose ... to the damn Astros? Oh, wait, I know how - Fucking Bob Fucking Howry. 0.0 IP, 4H, 4R, 4ER, 1BB."

Here's to you, Bob Howry. My fondest memory of you is when we cut you once and for all in 2010. It's perhaps the only happy memory that year.

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Cubs 9 - Mets 2: Take That, Trainwreck!

No, this isn't from yesterday's game. But the site I snag pictures from hasn't updated yet. And I can't really, you know, complain.

After Wednesday's super-frustrating Wrigley Field Super-Shitty Pitcher Exposition and Old-Tyme Country Faire, the Cubs re-kicked the asses of the Mets for a satisfying series conclusion. AND we jumped the Pirates in the standings. Big day.

Aside from a Benny Hill-like double error in the top of the 3rd that led to an early 0-1 deficit, yesterday was complete domination. Zambrano continued to pitch well, and got to leave the game without throwing 127 again, Both of our big-money lefties (Pena and Fuk) managed to hit balls out of the park. And we beat a team that we should damn well beat. That's about all I'm conditioned to ask for at this point.

We've got three games against Pittsburgh and three against Houston coming up. We've got a chance to peek over .500 (we're 22-26) before we run into the wood chipper of the Cardinals, Reds, and Phillies (PUB CRAWL!). Let's do this thing.

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Mets 7 - Cubs 4 (6 inn): The Coleman/Berg/Russell Shit Sandwich

"You, sir, are a fuck."

I took an evening last night to settle in and watch the entire game on my living room TV. Usually it's a game on the radio while making dinner or on the small bedroom TV while writing or folding laundry. But last night, I was going to do it up right.

Should have known better.

After a promising start - a 4-1 lead and the wind blowing - Casey Coleman gave up FIVE FUCKING HITS in a row. Then Justin Berg came in and Neal Cotts'd a couple more in with his complete inability to hit the zone. Then James Russell, who sucks marginally less than the other two, to give up only one run and complete the shit sandwich. Awful. Just fucking awful. This is why I've taken to doing productive things whilst our Boys in Blue are playing baseball.

But hey, not all bad. We did get this gem:

No sarcasm, I just find this incredibly charming.

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Cubs 11 - Mets 1: MONTANEZ!

"I'M LUIS MONTANEZ!"

2011 has been, to put it lightly, not a super-easy year to be a fan of the Cubs. We tend to not hit when men are on base, and to throw out starters who act like a pitching machine. Sometimes I wish the Cubs could play the Cubs and be the beneficiary of those infuriating gaffes. As it turns out, we're in a 3-game series with such a team. I'm usually really happy to not be a Mets fan in the first place, but their issues of late give me a whole new set of reasons.

I can almost hear the Mets fans going "OH, COME ON!" Welcome to the club.

I'd say last night was a parade of offense, except Luis Montanez (former third overall pick turned career minor leaguer) hit the shit out of the ball. When that happens, I lean a little closer to giving credit to Mets pitching. Castro looked good, Barney again contributed, and everyone not pitching or named Carlos Pena contributed to the offense. After Zambrano's 2-RBI pinch hit, I'm fairly convinced he should be playing first base on his off days.

I think Ryan Dempster reads this blog, as he appears to have taken our expert advice to stop pitching like an asshole. Ever since the shitfit-filled April slate of games, Dempster has looked damn good. The one game where he gave up more than 2 runs in May was one we still ended up winning. He's managed to look good not only against shit teams like the Dodgers and Mets, but also the Giants and Reds. With everyone and their brother on the DL, it's exceptionally good timing.

The Mets committed 3 errors. Their starter was chased early. Their bullpen couldn't stop the bleeding. But the final insult? Jeff Samardzija chased the Mets with 3 strikeouts in the 9th. If I were a Mets fan? Ouch. But as a Cubs fan? More, please. If the weather allows.

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Cubs Media Monday: Free Satin Jacket!

Have I mentioned lately how much I love catching old local commercials with Cubs tie-ins? It's come up in the past.

Satin jacket? Hideous sportscar? Porn-ish acting?This, ladies and gents, is the 1980s personified.

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Weekend Recap: FenWay Out of Contention

Too solemn an occasion for a 'balls in the face' joke.

Watching the Cubs play at Fenway was incredibly surreal. It was like watching Captain America walk into the Batcave. I am a huge nerd. I could have gone without the constant parade of facts and talk of "cursed" franchises. And I could have gone without watching useless John Grabow take all the potential out of Sunday's game. And yes, I could have gone without the franchise turning into a MASH unit. But hell, that was pretty fun. Especially Saturday, when we got to see the Red Sox turn into the Cubs for the entire 8th, and when both teams took the field in what appeared to be poor Korean knockoffs of their respective uniforms. All in all, more enjoyable than the previous weekend series we've managed to drop.



"The fuck is that, some kind of green monster?

The bad news coming in was that we were down our #4 and #5 starting pitchers and our starting catcher. The really bad news going out was that we added our #3 pitcher, our starting CF, and our utility guy. When it rains, it pours.

Bad as Sunday's result was, it was good to see James Russell not get absolutely lit up in a start for once. Considering how late Garza's scratch was, things could have turned really ugly really fast.

Instead, they waited to do so until John Grabow came in and did his usual "I'm a horrible pitcher who gets paid $4.5 million" schtick. Think about that. Grabow - who costs $4.5 million and who I'm assuming Hendry chose over the much more useful Gorezelanny - was outperformed over the weekend by Justin Berg, and by everyone who isn't named Samardzija or Doug fucking Davis. Hell, even Scott Maine managed to right the ship on Sunday night.

The Ronnie, Fenway Weekend - Reed Johnson

He didn't hit Tim Wakefield any better than the rest of the crew, but he showed up big after we lost Byrd to a face-seeking missile. His double to left in the 8th on Saturday was exactly the kind of hitting we haven't been able to get all year when men poised to score.

He also looks the most at home of anyone when it's throwback uniform day. That's a trait I respect.

The LaTroy - John Grabow

I hate that I know a game is probably a lost cause when he comes in from the pen. I hate the way he pitches. I hate that no one seems to care that Jim Hendry gave him $4.5 million while cutting lose a capable starter who is getting paid half that. I hate that his aggressive awfulness is making my memories of Will Ohman, Neal Cotts, and Bobby Howry just a little bit fuzzier.

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Weekend Recap: March in May

Doug Davis was one of the most pleasant parts of the weekend. That about says it all, no?

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Cubs 11 - Cardinals 4: YESSSSSSSSSSS

A great time for our biggest winning margin of the year. These rain games are usually bad news - it's often hard to put the starting pitcher back in after an hour watching previously recorded Cubs material. Last night Garza managed to hit 96 on the gun after sitting for an hour. I may be up and down on the guy, but I'll always admit that it was a badass achievement for a pitcher. I'll also give credit to Quade for pulling his guy at the right time. Eighty-five pitches was plenty after the Cubs tagged that shit-ass Ryan Franklin for four runs to make a 6-1 game an 8-1 ass-stomping. Even Jeff Samardzija couldn't mess that one up, try though he did.



Cardinals fans love playing with dry cleaning bags. Darwin would approve.

Hell, I'll go ahead and say that this was the best game of the year. I loathe Ryan Franklin and his douchebag goatee - though I do love that he went off on those self-mythologizing Cards fans - and the line the Cubs put on him was just beautiful: 3 IP, 7H 4ER. Poetry.

All the hallmarks of a John-pleasing game were there - Fuk doing well in the leadoff spot, Starlin Castro with 3 runs and 3 RBIs, and a legitimate "how the fuck ..." moment when Koyie Hill managed a triple. The only starter who didn't end up with a hit last night was Matt Garza, and I imagine he's fine with that this morning. 17 hits altogether. Just lovely.

Today's matchup isn't as favorable - Casey Coleman (egggh) vs. Jaime Garcia (4-0, 1.99 ERA). But if we managed to pull a win out of our pinstriped butts, we'd manage a series win against our hated rival. That's always beautiful, and might distract me from the fact that we don't have a pitcher for Saturday's game against the World Series champions.

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Cardinals 6 - Cubs 4: Gahhhhhhhhhh

No time for a full recap today. Suffice to say that Zambrano pitched well enough, the Cubs hit frequently, yet paradoxically like shit (12 hits, no extra bases), and Woody really disappointed us in taking the loss. Theriot sucks, Soriano BLOWS, and I still hate the damn Cardinals. If you're wondering where Tony LaRussa was, he was absent due to his transforming into a Lovecraftian nightmare servant of dread lord Cthulu.

Not even kidding about that last one.

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Weekend Recap: Nothing Offensive

You think you feel bad, imagine if you'd paid to watch it.

The Cubs offense is starting me make me want to hurt myself and others. Every time we get men on base, I get this weird Pavlovian reaction where I start to get mad at their imminent stranding. Someone hits a leadoff double and I'm all "SONOFABITCH!" It's what happens when you go 2-12 with runners in scoring position. In one game. Not to mention the rest of the punchless weekend.


The Ronnie Award, 5/6-8 weekend

Kosuke Fukudome


Not that Fuk had a fantastic weekend by any stretch - his strikeout with the bases loaded and no outs on Friday being particularly egregious - but he's literally the only player who got his shit together long enough to deliver a kill shot. Literally, of all the chances we had all weekend to do some damage and put away a game, this was the one singular occurrence of it happening.

The LaTroy

Geovany Soto

It should be every-damn-body, but that's not the way this fake award has been set up to work by me. He gets the nod for the two back-breaking double plays he hit into.

4-24 with runners in scoring position. Can't imagine why the seats aren't full of asses with these newly-inflated ticket prices.

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Cubs 5 - Dodgers 1: Sweet Throwbacks, Sweet Game

"No, Zambrano! It's supposed to be a metaphor. A METAPHORRRRRR!"

And that's how Tony Gwynn III was created. Now you know ... the REST of the story.

Things went so well yesterday that I was suspicious up until the bottom of the 8th that we were in for a collapse. Zambrano was humming like the pitcher he's paid to be, Pena and Byrd face-punched the Dodgers into submission, and it was a great day to roll the windows down and listen to Pat and Kieth on WGN.

Ted Lilly, doing his best Greg Maddux face.

After rocking the sweet throwback unis, the Cubs went ahead and decided they should also rock former teammate Ted Lilly. It was a sad sight to see him laboring in the 6th while the bullpen frantically tried to warm up any arm not attached to Jonathan Broxton. Had it not been for a hilariously ill-advised Aramis Ramirez steal that led to a pickoff and tag at second, we could have seen our beloved former hurler ignominiously lifted from the game to the boos of the smattering of Dodger fans present. As it was, giving up three home runs (more than doubling his total on the year) couldn't have felt great.

In a way, I'm sort of glad we don't have Lilly anymore. He left on a good note, and remains a soft spot in the hearts of most Cub fans I know. To see him on this rebuilding team rocking that Samardaija-ian WHIP of his might just be too much. Sure, I'd love him at the moment with Cashner and Wells shelved, but at least we got a good exit out of him.

As for our own pitching corps, Dempster's start on Tuesday gave us a flicker of hope. But the fact still remains that we NEED Wells and Cashner back. We're basically giving away every game where we put James Russell on the mound, and the sad part is there's not really a better option hanging around. Casey Coleman is marginally less terrible, but that's about all we've got. What, you want Thomas Diamond? Or Samardzija? Unless one of these options stops being useless as a starter, we're still shit out of luck until late May. Our two broken starters aren't even rehabbing at Mesa yet.

But hey, the weather's getting better, our offense is getting better, and it's Garza v. Volquez tomorrow. I'm excited. Go Cubs go!

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Cubs 4 - Dodgers 1: Putting it all Together

"No, Geo, I already told you, I'm not 'gonna start pitching like shit' now."

Last night was quite the anomaly - a couple of the players that WAIW has been pissy about went ahead and pulled themselves together. Dempster went 7 innings with 6 hits and a run and Pena FINALLY hit a damn home run. Of course, to restore our universe to balance, Starlin Castro went 0-4. Apparently the NL works on karma.

Dempster's performance last night, though against a team with a fantastically shitty lineup, eased my mind a bit and brought his ERA back on the happy side of 9 (HA). Pena's dinger, while cathartic, did not provide nearly as much surcease, as he's still rocking a .515 OPS. In that fashion, I'd like to let you know what each of the following Cubs scapegoats must do to get back in my good graces.

- Geovany Soto: Bring that average over .250. I don't care if you've got to get fat again to do it. And please stop grooming the beard so precisely. It creeps one out.

- Alfonso Soriano: Please bring up the OBP and batting average. Failing that, hit 10 homers every month.

- James Russell: Personally heal Wells and Cashner so we don't have you watch you start games anymore. Go back to being a mediocre bullpen option.

- Jeff Samardzija: Take back up the mantle of football. Sign with Packers. Cry on bench.

- John Grabow: Change name to "Not John Grabow" and renounce all athletic competition. Become hot dog vendor. Give me free hot dogs for life. Apologize on deathbed.

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Weekend Recap: Cubs Split With D'Backs

After splitting with the Diamondbacks, it's quite clear that we NEED our starting pitchers back from the DL. I've been saying that for awhile now, but there's a new wrinkle. Instead of preventing additional Casey Coleman or even Jeff Samardzija starts, I want them back so they can spell Ryan Dempster's nuclear arm. Holy shitcrackers did his early-season awfulness come to a head on Thursday. His stats:

0.1 IP, 4H, 7R, 7ER, 4BB, 1HR

Also, this:

40 pitches, 18 strikes

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. That's horrible! That's bringing-a-kid-up-from-Iowa-who-will-be-too-tramatized-afterward-to-ever-pitch-again horrible.Certainly not worth the $13.5 million salary or the $14 million player option that will kick in after this year. The best thing this contract can do now is lose Jim Hendry his job.


The Ronnie, weekend of May 1 - Alfonso Soriano



Who would you guess is leading the NL in home runs? Troy Tulowitzki? Albert Pujols? Prince Fielder? All good guesses, but no. Our oft-reviled $120M man, Alfonso Soriano, is tied with Ryan Braun at 10 homers. After being lifted for Colvin on Thursday, his two solo shots on Friday went a long way toward winning the game. He also added two RBIs during Sunday's win and a double during Sunday's shit-storm. He's now got the team record for most homers in April. If you told someone that Sori would be making Cubs history this Spring, I don't think they'd have imagined it would be in a good way.

As a cynical blogging type, I'd like to put it out there that he may just be getting our hopes way up for a mid-season dragon kick of disappointment.

The LaTroy - Carlos Pena



It was bound to happen. Just getting replaced by Jeff Baker twice during a weekend series would normally be enough for a guy making $10 mil. But given up opportunities on Friday and Sunday, he literally did jack shit, collecting a single hit on the weekend.

His OPS is now lower than ... let me see here ... EVERY FUCKING NON-PITCHER. Seriously. Blake DeWitt? .513. Darwin Barney? .809. Tyler Colvin? .532. Meanwhile, our "power hitter" has an OPS of .482. That's not just bad, that's Aaron Miles bad.

What's that? Miles is at .602? You have got to be shitting me. Pull it together, Carlos.

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