Rain Day Tribute: Fat Elvis is King of All of You

No game yesterday, due to the fact that it's been raining, by my estimation, since the end of the blizzard. It saved us from a Casey Coleman start, so there's always that silver lining. It brought back, as the PPD notice always does, to my favorite rain delay of all time. Cubs/Pirates during that superb 2008 season. Dempster on the mound, and a reign of fury in the clouds. I was experiencing my first visit to D'Agostino's, which has by now become one of my favorite Cubs game traditions. The thunderstorm hit with a bang, so much so that the power flickered a few times. When it wasn't, we were treated to rain out coverage on the TV. While that's usually a snooze, this Fat Elvis cat decided to make things fun for everyone. And I found the video. Hail to the King, baby:

Glorious.

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Pub Crawl Time. WOOOOOOOOOO

Mark your calendars, children. Saturday, June 11th, our beloved Cubs take on the Phillies and their collection of robot pitchers. Nine innings, nine bars. Sheeeeeit yes.

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Weekend Recap: Bad Start(s)

The Wrigley organist really needs to learn the Charlie Brown music.

Between the weather, the still-small crowds, and the overall lack of competent play, the Cubs put on one hell of a crap weekend series. Ryan Dempster continued to look like hot garbage, Zambrano's weird winning streak halted emphatically, and it becomes clear how screwed we are in the rotation until Cashner and Wells come back. We're back under .500 and a game and a half back of first. Casey Coleman can't start, James Russell clearly can't start, and I'm starting to suspect that Ryan Dempster can't start. Worse still, we're pinning hope on Cashner and Wells to radically improve the rotation. Oh my.

The Ronnie Award - Easter weekend

A tie between Starlin Castro and Darwin Barney.

This combination - one I like to call StarBar - combined for six RBIs in the team's only win over the weekend. It's too bad they had to victimize the shit out of WAIW favorite former Cub Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. Hell, Lilly made Dempster look like a respectable starting pitcher, and that's quite the feat these days.

They're both hitting well over .300 for the moment, and more important saw a hell of a lot of pitches. If they can manage to keep up production while staying patient, we might have an offense once the rest of the team decides to pull its head out of its ass.

The LaTroy

Ryan Dempster.

It can be denied no longer - Ryan Dempster has aged into crappiness. We got used to a solid, dependable pitcher who didn't freak out like Zambrano or necessitate long spells on the DL. He won 15 games last year on a substantially crappy team. He started Opening Day. Not that I'd term him such, but he had many of the qualities one finds in a staff ace. Not so much in 2011.

His best performance so far was only giving up four earned runs (5 total) in the loss to Arizona. His next outing, he threw 21 more pitches and only one more strike. Weirdly enough, that was his only win. And it remained the only W after Saturday's 9 hit, 7 run 5 2/3. Add in the three homers surrendered over the weekend, and he's already given up 8 homers over five starts.

I blame his Canadian-ness. He's all distracted over the NHL playoffs.

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Friday Five: Needs Improvement

Welcome to the Friday Five, where this week, we're piling on early. But to temper that negativity, we're focusing on who can improve instead of just saying fuck it and titling it "Worst So Far." We're positive like that. These are the five Cubs who most need to step it up before the weather starts getting warm enough for people to actually start going to games.

There were a lot of people that could have been on this list. I had to ignore completely reasonable candidates like Marcos Mateo, Jeff Samardzija,

5. Tyler Colvin - 48 PA, .136, .208 OBP(!!!!), 11 K (!)

He'd rank higher on the list if I had believed the hype about him last year. Many appear to have done so, but even his execrable performance so far hasn't stopped eBay sellers from having mad unrealistic expectations.

He did put a merciful end to the extra-inning icebox game on Monday, and for that we thank him.

4. John Grabow - 6.2 IP, 2 HR, 8.10 ERA, 2.40 WHIP (!!!)

Here's the sole point on this list where "needs improvement" turns into "needs to injure himself in a vegetable peeling mishap." I absolutely cannot believe that Hendo gave him $4.8 million this year to pitch like he's in the midst of a full-blown herpes outbreak.

John Grabow is like Will Ohman, Neal Cotts, and your creepy uncle Randy all rolled into one package. One failed, overpaid, underskilled package. If the Cubs are in a tight game that's gone to the bullpens and you see Grabow come in from the pen, best to go get a beer. Game's about to get way less exciting.

3. Ryan Dempster - 1-2, 25.0 IP, 6.84 ERA, 29H, 5 HR (!!)

Ryan Dempster has started this year looking like a video game pitcher who has dropped below 50 percent stamina. He's still able to get guys out, but not for long. He fades faster than Jan Michael Vincent's career post-Airwolf.

I understand that he's not really ace material at this point, but one could reasonably expect a man of his salary range to not explode like a tire fire with regularity this early in the year. We need quality starts from him in May and June to stay in the Central race, especially with our demonstrable lack of quality starters at the moment.

2.Carlos Pena - 60 PA, .208 SLG (!!!!), 9 H, 2 R, 0 HR

No doubt that the wind blowing in from the outfield has all but negated his power. That still can't explain how his slugging percentage/OBP ratio looks like that of the late Rey Sanchez. We need him to hit for a ton more bases if we're going to continue this ludicrous square dance with our .500 record.

The depressing part is that his average (.188) isn't all that ridiculous compared to his career numbers. Could be a long year. Thankfully, it will only be one.

1. Matt Garza - 0-2, 24.2 IP, 33 H (!!), 1.662 WHIP (!!!)

We cleared out the minors for Matt Garza, and he can be an incredibly exciting pitcher to watch. But some bad, BAD teams have tagged him in the early going. Things aren't going to get any easier than the Pirates and Astros, so he'd best learn to bring that WHIP down.

Clearly the front office was hoping for an ace in training. But it's pretty clear that Matt Garza has a lot of developing to do before he can be a top NL pitcher. Cutting down on the hits sure would be a good start.

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Crimes Against Commerce: Cubs.com's Hat Sale

As someone who has ordered a bunch of tickets from the team in the past, I was bound to get on the Cubs.com e-mail advertising list. It's not usually great deals on offer (especially for tickets, especially with the secondary market this year) but it happens, and if it really bothered me, I'd unsubscribe. Hell, occasionally I'll check out what they're selling. This very morning, for instance. There's a sale on Cubs hats just for today, pictured above. I decided to check out whether there was anything that caught my eye and also came in "giant-ass head" size. Nothing really caught my eye. And when something finally did, it was for the wrong reason. Observe:



I scrolled through the rest of the site to see if they were selling a bunch of team's caps. Maybe a vintage Expos number, or a Nationals hat with that wacky Walgreen's W on it. Nope. Just 136 Cubs hats and 1 White Sox hat. Now you might say "Eh, it's just one." But this is a slippery slope, my friends. Soon it's 2-3 Sox hats, maybe a Cardinals tank top. Soon, we're selling Ryan Braun's Douchetees (TM) and those stickers of Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo. Band with us to end this menace, brave folk, before it's too late.

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Chicago Cubs: The 500-est Team in Baseball!

Wrigley Field, come for the ... atmosphere?

We were above .500 - for a couple hours. Following the split of a day/night doubleheader that made me feel cold just watching at home, the Cubs have now been 1-1, 2-2, 3-3, 4-4, 5-5, 6-6, 7-7, 8-8, and 9-9. And yes, I absolutely had to list each of those individually. It looks like it's going to be a long year of trying to get on the right side of that line. During my childhood full of terrible Cubs teams, this might have been enjoyable. Post-2003, it just feels like running in quicksand. But you know what? We're also in first place. Bet you didn't see that coming. Sure, it's a tie with the Reds, Brewers, and Cardinals, but it's still a sweet, sweet taste of the lead.

Rejoice with us, children! After the jump.

"Yay! We're briefly in over 500!"

That we're in first place at all - even in a weak division, even in a four-way tie - is pretty amazing considering how precarious our starting pitching is. I'm giving him all benefit of the doubt, but James Russell is not a starting pitcher. Against perhaps the worst offense in the NL (and that's quite the distinction) he couldn't last more than 4 innings. Hell, even Matt Garza, who was last seen playing the role of pitching machine against the Pirates, managed to keep the Padres to 1 run. What happens when Russell has to throw against Albert Pujols in the middle of summer when the wind is blowing out at Wrigley? It's going to look like the second coming of David Patton.

And the tens of ... fans cheered!

So far, the things that have been going well read like a bizarro version of our expectations. Marlon Byrd is still struggling to get on track, while Darwin Barney is above .300. Aramis is off to a .324 start, while Tyler Colvin is can't even manage an OBP we can mention without involuntary head shakes (.208, if you were wondering). Fukudome continues his usual Spring routine, so enjoy that while it lasts. I always do - Fuku is the one Cub I can never bring myself to curse ... for all that long.

Off day today, then a series at home with the Dodgers, who Bud Selig just went all Repo Man on. Let's enjoy our Cubs. Weather's only going to get warmer.

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Cubs 9 - Astros 5: The Zambrano Rollercoaster

Say you're watching a baseball game - any game, really - and the pitcher who has staked you to a solid 5-0 lead through 5 innings hits one out of the park. Good, stuff, right? Apparently not. The correct answer would be "I predict imminent near-disaster."

Indeed, our volatile ... um, ace? ... took in this moment of personal triumph and immediately gave the Astros 5 runs in the bottom of the very same inning, with Mike Quade strangely looking on, thinking "someone should do something about this!" By the time he dragged his ass to the mound, Z was already off of it and we were looking down the barrel of a 1-run game. I blame Zambrano for completely losing focus and falling on his ass well shy of 100 pitches. I blame Quade for forgetting that he was the manager and his pitcher was sucking wind like a fat guy in a fourth floor walkup.

Happier ruminations after the jump





Now that we've gotten that vitriol out of the way, let's look at the good. Instead of imploding - much like ... most of 2010 - the Cubs managed to rally and put a solid three insurance runs on the board in the top of the 9th. Clutch business, that. And Starlin Castro (how awesome is he?) and Darwin Barney look considerably better than any 1-2 match in recent memory. I've softened somewhat on DarBar, who I recently referred to as an example of how shitty our minor league system was. I reserve the right to sour on him in the future, as his play dictates, but for now it's mea culpas and ice cream. Castro also had some clutch defensive plays, though I continue to fear him Shawon Duston-ing the ball into the dugout. But if he keeps leading the majors in hits, he can even do that once in awhile.

The bullpen, which prompted another Shiner Bock after Z's exit, ended up performing exceptionally. Marcos Mateo has burned us in the past, but was able to put out that fire in the 6th fairly quickly by inducing a flyout to foul territory. Marshall looked sharp as ever, and already has 5 (!!) holds on the season. K-Woo earned a solid hold in his first appearance since handing Sunday's game to Milwaukee, and also looked like he lost some weight. Of course, that could have been the beer goggles.

Today is a day without baseball, which is a sad circumstance indeed. There's also no hockey, which could be either a good or a bad thing in light of last evening's Blackhawks flop. Any suggestions on suitable sports entertainment for the evening? I'm thinking boxing on XBox, along with Sun Drop, whiskey, and some deep dish.

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Astros 11 - Cubs 2: Well, That Didn't Work

Darwin Barney was tragically sucked into James Russell's implosion.

"The. Cubs. Are. Awful."

- Steve, 7:31 pm

Yeah, it was that kind of night. Our lack of starting pitching didn't get any better, and it's looking like Samardzija's eventually going to get some starts out of Russell's faceplant.

It's weird, because if I told you that Tyler Colvin finally snapped out of it and had a good game at the plate (with a homer!), Starlin Castro went 2-5 in the leadoff spot, and Marlon Byrd hit 3-3, you might imagine we did okay. We did not, in fact, do okay. Russell's collapse led to 3 innings of Samardzija, which led to a pretty good Jeff Stevens inning and a third and Marcos Mateo Striking out the side. Then it was one long John Grabow suckfest for the 8th - 5 hits and 4 runs (3 earned) - while Quade just left him out there to stew in his own awfulness.

Why, WHY?!? are we paying John Grabow guy FOUR POINT EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS to pitch like this? He's possibly the worst pitcher in a pen that has Jeff Samardzija in it. It's horrific. Even my most-hated bullpen memory - Bobby Howry - didn't infuriate me so much with completely undeserved salary. I would also like to point out that Tom Gorzelanny - who we could really use right about now - could have been paid both his 2010 ($800K) and 2011 ($2.1M) salaries out of what we pay shitass Grabow, with almost two million to spare. Why does Jim Hendry still have a job?

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Cubs 5 - Astros 4: Castro-ation

The following conversation occurred last night via Blackberry Instant Messenger:

Steve: Are you watching the Cubs?

Me: Nah, catching up on that Killing show on AMC (Note: I have my reasons. Question me not).

Steve: Too bad, it's sweet effectively watching 3 straight homers given up by Dempster.

Me: He's back to 07 levels of awful, eh?

Steve: Yes. Technically 2, but one was reviewed and called off.

Steve: Then fancy boy just let his bat go into the stands.

Always love a good Hunter Pence "Fancy Boy" callback around here.

This conversation is revealing. A, it reveals that I was catching some sweet despair-porn on AMC instead of watching the Cubs. B, it reveals that less than two weeks in, we're already comparing current levels of Dempster-sympathy to the hated 2007 closer edition. We started WAIW in 2008, so you fine readers never got to spelunk the depths of our hatred for the man's ability to close a game in the 9th. But it was as fiery and white-hot as anything up to and perhaps including Kevin Gregg. So in hope of writing a recap, I went to Baseball Reference and got all nerd on the stats. You're welcome.

Now it's not really Dempster's fault that he's coming up on 33 and a couple years of heavy workload, but his inability to hit the zone late in games is becoming panic-inducing. Against the Pirates and D-Backs, it tended to happen on counts of 3-1 or 3-2. Last night, he gave up Bill Hall's homer on 3 pitches, Bourn's almost-HR on 3, and the final homer to Angel Sanchez on 2. And it's really too bad, because if he could have pitched his way out of that inning and left it 5-1 or even 5-2, it would have been solid. Instead we're bitching again on the blog. But the fact was that Quade was clearly hoping to rest most of the bullpen for James Russell's start today, as that might not last very long. Instead, we had to burn three guys. Or at least two pitchers and suckass John Grabow. Dempster threw 115 pitches, but wasted a lot of that goodwill generated through 6. We might have been able to get out of the game without burning another wild-ass save from the Marmot.

The message Quade should take to heart is that you don't want Dempster in the game after a certain point. He pulls that quick-fade act like Michael J Fox playing the guitar in Back to the Future. There's just no way should can put in pitches like 2008, especially this early in the season. At best, he's a number 3 guy who happened to be our Opening Day starter. You could argue that there's no real number one around anymore, but the more pressing issue seems to be the lack of both 4 and 5. Sure would be nice to have Sloth still around.

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Weekend Recap: Back Under .500

Well, that was fairly painful. All my worrying about facing Yovanni Gallardo, and it turns out that it's Chris Navreson who is indeed the destroyer of worlds. Either that or our offense is pretty damn bad. I'm going with the second one. A pretty enjoyable win on Friday - with power-hitting hero Jeff Baker, of all poeple - followed by an absolute bomb of a Saturday and a painful Sunday (why, Woody? Whyyyyy?) that included Woody taking the loss and Marlon Byrd making one of the stupidest decisions to steal that I've ever seen.

To be fair, I quite enjoyed Friday's win. A solid (if not super) performance by Zambrano, solid holds by Marshall and Woody, and a death-defying heart attack of a Marmol save. This is the way things are supposed to work, right?


The Ronnie: Jeff Baker

Might be a rare award for the man - even after a great Friday, he still got replaced on Sunday by Darwin Barney. A great 3-run homer to bring us back from 0-2 behind was one of the few high points over the weekend. Weirdly enough, he currently leads the team in batting average at .421. Honestly, if I told you that between Jeff Baker and Tyler Colvin, one of them would be hitting in the .130s, I don't think you'd have picked correctly. Speaking of that...

The LaTroy: Matt Garza/Tyler Colvin (tie)

Early 2011 Matt Garza reminds me greatly of the more regrettable Rich Harden performances of the past. He'll strike out a ton of guys, but spend the time in between Ks giving up solid hits to the outfield wall. He's got 20 strikeouts on the year and an equal number of hits given up, along with 8 runs (all earned). That's a 5.68 ERA for which we cleaned out the minor league system in a rebuilding year. But please, Mr. Ricketts, be sure to keep Jim Hendry around.

The other problem Saturday was the non-presence of any semblance of offense. You can blame that on just about everyone, but I'm going to go ahead and say that Tyler Colvin typifies the problems we've been having generating runs this year. He's a possibly-overmatched guy who management expected to take a big step forward this year. Hasn't happened yet. He only managed one hit over the weekend, and was replaced on Saturday by Reed Johnson, who has clearly passed his "best by" date. Let's see if Colvin can pass a .250 line before his bobblehead day next week.

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Friday Five: Favorite Games

Here's our new idea for a Friday feature - five of something, anything, every Friday. We Internet folk are OCD-like in our love of lists. All of the neat order, none of the painful hand scrubbing and inconvenient stove-checking. A new topic will run every Friday - barring hangovers, malaise, and our computers contracting Digital Chlamydia.

Today's topic? Those favorite moments of triumph we attended in person. As you can see from our sidebar, Steve and I go to a hell of a lot of games. And that sidebar just barely scratches the surface. It's just when we started keeping track - we've both lived in the city since graduating college, so it's not a stretch to say there's a few dozen not pictured. In that time, we've seen some highs (Derrek Lee hitting a grand slam on the day they retired #31, the 2008 division clincher) and some lows (11-2 down in the second inning against the Giants last year). Here's a look at my five favorite days at Wrigley.



#5 - September 27, 2006: Cubs 3 - Brewers 2

An insignificant late-season game held when Dusty was limping his way out of town. But also my first night game. My brand-new girlfriend came to the game along with me, my roommate, and Steve. We made a drinking game out of the Deal or No Deal DVD game and got absolutely wrecked on Goldschlager. Henry Blanco was the hero, Matt Murton was batting cleanup, and the Cubs won to pull to 17 games back with a handful to play. Truly these were golden times. I still have the fridge magnet of the FanPhoto.



#4 - June 19, 2009: Cubs 8 - Indians 7 (10 inn.)

Ever get a really, really bad feeling about the game getting called? That was the entire morning of this game for me. Friends had come into town, and we'd been forced to hunker down at Salt & Pepper and down repeated pitchers while the rain just poured down. At this point, the concern was just getting them into the stadium to experience some of Wrigley before they called the game. I didn't think we'd even get in the stadium - it was still early, and the rain was awful. To my great surprise, the rain let up and they actually ended up playing baseball. Perhaps the muggiest game of baseball I've ever been to.

This was the first game of the Wood/DeRo return tour after so much animosity had been generated at their departure. Tickets were hard to come by, and both our departed players got standing ovations. After all those good feelings, the Indians proceeded to beat the holy shit out of us. Luis Valbuena hit a 3-run homer in the second, followed by Victor Martinez doubling the tally in the third. DeRo jammed home the knife with an RBI in the 4th, and suddenly this much-anticipated interleague game (and those are rare) was an unapologetic ass-kicking.

At this point, we voiced our commitment to the new goal of the day - getting drunk. And drunk we got, rousing briefly for a Reed Johnson solo shot in the 5th, and a D.Lee solo homer in the 6th. The 7th was a dud, and no one seemed all that hopeful. Especially those non-fairweather fans who cleverly disguised themselves as empty seats vacated by assholes.

Bottom of the 8th - bases loaded, two outs. Andres Blanco (remember him?) lines a shot along the right right line, driving in two runs. Then Koyie Hill reaches on an error and the runner on third scores. Then Soriano singles in Blanco before Theriot goes all asshole and ruins the rally. Suddenly, it's 7-6. Something big is happening. Everyone can feel it through their protective coat of Old Style.

After Marmol filthifies the side in the 9th, Derrek Lee steps in to face Kerry Wood with one out and none on. D.Lee mutters something along the lines of "Thanks for the memories, now fuck off" and destroys a ball into the left field bleachers. Everyone who was Cubs fan enough to stay goes ape-shit. Indians fans in the place begin to Carradine their belts into makeshift nooses. It's going to extras, but everyone know the Cubs are going to win, which they do when Theriot redeems himself with a single in the bottom of the 10th.

So it came to be that when I didn't think there'd be a game, there ends up being one of my all-time favorites. And there was much rejoicing and eating of Mexican food. And my friend doth lost his wallet, but it eventually came back unto him. Truly it was a day of miracles.



#3 - August 19, 2006: Cubs 5 - Cardinals 4 (10 inn.)

I'd just moved back to Chicago from my first post-college gig in Hawaii, where I used to get up at insane hours of the morning to watch the Cubs fart away a promising season. When I got back, I started dating this girl I talked to on the phone every day whilst on the island (who I eventually married). As I was still looking for employment and living in Uptown, she got a job in the horrible, horrible burg of Northbrook. It being her first adult paycheck, she was predictably gobsmacked at having that amount of money all at once. She asked if I thought a pair of Cubs/Cards tickets was a good idea. Yes, yes indeed it was.

It was, in many ways, your typical Cubs/Cards template. Cards go up early, obnoxious, bitchy St Louis fans end up sitting next to us, and thick tension in the late innings. And, just as one might predict, Albert Pujols is put into a clutch situation - down 4-3 with the bases chock-full of assholes in red. He gets a pitch he likes from Michael Wuertz and hits a booming fly ball to deep CF. I was already shaking my head before I noticed that Murton was still tracking the ball. And by some holy-shit miracle, it falls into his glove and the Cubs are out of an inning. Pujols was not the grand-slam hero of the day.

No, that hero was Phil Nevin, who lined the winning run off of Isringhausen in the bottom of the 10th. The only day in my life where I'd have taken Nevin over Pujols.



#2 - June 21, 2008: Cubs 11 - White Sox 7

Cubs/Sox tilts are by their nature, shitty. I don't know how the white trashiest elements of each fan base manage to get tickets to the series every damn time, but they make up at least 45 percent of the crowd. This series arguably gets more personal between the fans than when the Cardinals come into town. And how those South Side dickbags (take the goddam sticker off your hat!) love to chirp when their team is ahead 4-1 and yours has Jason Marquis on the mound. But this was no ordinary 4th inning, and their fanbase forgot that Jose Contreras is a tire fire of awfulness.

Jim Edmonds started out the inning with a homer, which sort of pissed me off, because I was in the slowest-ever line to get nachos and beer. I should have been in my seat, slowly warming up to the former hated rival. But I did get back in time to see Mike Fontenot (in full Malibu mode) hit a follow-up. 4-3. Solid. Just as I was thinking "maybe we can get ahead in the next couple of innings," Jason Marquis started a parade of 4 base hits that ended emphatically with A-Ram's 3-run homer that chased Contreras from the game and left him shivering in the shower in the fetal position like a Lifetime movie heroine.

And you know what happened? I finally got to see my Jim Edmonds homer. Nice of him to do it twice in an inning. An excellent way to spend a Saturday.



#1 September 20, 2008: Cubs 5 - Cardinals 4

These are the second-to-last-row 500 section tickets that I still point out to people. The Padres will be inexplicably kicking the shit out of us on a lazy July afternoon, and I'll suddenly lazily wave a sausage-finger over toward the upper deck and mumble "s'where I saw us win the DIVISION in oh-eight." Depending on how good a friend my companion is, they'll feign interest.

Like Hunter Thompson said in his soliloquy about the hippie generation in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, you can almost see the high water mark where the wave broke. A perfect day for baseball, a magic number of 1, and a pair of tickets that I'd just happened to buy in February, before any of the madness of that season had played itself out. As the cards all fell in my favor during the run-up to the game, I couldn't even bring myself to look at what tickets were going for on StubHub and Craigslist. I didn't want to subject myself to temptation, because there aren't a lot of times you get to see the Cubs play a win-and-clinch game against their most hated division foe. It ended up being a smart decision.

An amazing game, with the Cards cutting a 5-0 lead to 5-4 during a bad Lilly inning. Tension you could cut with a knife for the entire 9. And perhaps best of all, Kerry Wood closing out the division on a lazy Aaron Miles fly ball before the insanity started. That year may have ended on a ridiculously disappointing note, but I'll never forget how amazing it felt to be at Wrigley Field on that triumphal day. It's the "happy place" I go to whenever Jeff Samardzija trots out to the mound.

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Off-Day Diversions

I miss baseball already. Here's some tangentially-related stuff to ease your mind-grapes.

- So you've seen the gloat-y local news items, and you've heard me talk about how easy it is to get a ticket. But here's proof positive, a screen shot left over from my browsings Monday.



- As Steve's mother pointed out in yesterday's comment section, Tuesday trip to the bird-riddled upper deck was indeed an opportunity to enhance my collection of bobbleheads. This year, the Cubs are doing homegrown prospects in their minor league unis. I think that's a pretty bitchin' idea, even if our minor league has been precariously thin lately. Tuesday's promotion was the one I really wanted, as it features not only Starlin Castro, but the Tennessee Smokies uniform. Having attended college at the University of Tennessee, I actually used to go to the same bar as a lot of the Smokies players of the era. Good guys. Terrible at pool. So this was a winning promotion for yours truly. For Castro? I imagine he'd wish they made him a bit less cross-eyed. Take a gander.



- I'm not quite sure if Dempster's early crappiness worries me more or less than the loss of Wells for a spell and Cashner for a good while. I get that it's our own fault for placing so much on a 33-year old converted closer. Hell, Baseball Reference lists his most similar pitching match as Chan Ho Park. I'm still reminded of this classic example of Dempster (as closer) vitriol: the Dempster Fallout Map, created by Jake from Thunder Matt's Saloon, lately of Terrible Cubs Fan. Awesome.

- Next up is a series against the Brewers. I'm not going to lie, things could get ugly. We're not going to see Greinke, but we are scheduled to see Gallardo, who smoked the Braves. Our pitcher for Sunday's game? TBD. Fun stuff.

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Get Ready for some hot Thomas Diamond Action

Eesh. Remember that whole "bad with the good thing" from my game recap? Well we'd best have something good coming down the pipeline, because we're going to be missing both our 4 and 5 starters for a good few weeks. This is clearly the work of the vengeful Horse-Head. So who do we have lying around to pick up the slack? Provided that we don't end up giving Marshall a spot (which has proven time and again to be a really bad idea), we're looking at the following, and making up nicknames for all of them:

"Anonymous" Thomas Diamond - 3 games started in 2010: 13.0 IP, 17H, 12R, 10BB, 1.759 WHIP (!)8.31 ERA.

Well, shitsnacks. Opponents hit .347 (!!) against him and got on-base at a rate of .444 (!!!). But don't worry, guys. Considering how pitchers rehab, it'll only be for 3-4 weeks. I'm going to slam my hand in a drawer now.

James "The Love Muscle" Russell - Never has started for us, but threw 49 innings in last year's lost cause and managed to keep the ERA under 5. I thought he looked good yesterday, but that was in relief of Samardzija and Mateo. I imagine he'll get a shot here soon, as we don't want to take Marshall out of the pen and leave Grabow as the only lefty.

Casey "Moleman" Coleman - 8 games started in 2010: 57.0 IP, 56H, 27R, 25BB, 1.421 WHIP, 4.11 ERA.

Decent numbers last year, but that low(ish) ERA seems like a fluke considering the number of hits and walks he gives up. Hell, he's not even terribly impressive in Iowa, though he does keep the number of baserunners down. I'd still rather see him over Diamond any day.

Jeff Samard.... NO! I DECLARE THIS THOUGHT EXPERIMENT TO BE OVER.

(runs away crying)

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Cubs 6 - Pirates 5: Zen Philosophy and the Nightmarish Horse-Man

"I diagnose some ice cream for you, buddy."

Your intrepid reporter blithely ditched work for the early-season Cubs baseball action yesterday. Or, rather, politely requested off of work and was kindly granted said request. You know, like a badass. Either way, early-season weekday baseball is back in the blood at WAIW, where we never miss an opportunity to heckle Samardzija from the cheap seats.

Oh, and what heckling there was to be had. Yesterday's game was an excellent example of how you've got to take the bad with the good as a Cubs fan. Sure, Marlon Byrd finally had a big game at the plate. But we also saw Koyie Hill bat, which is like having two pitchers bat consecutively. Andrew Cashner looked great yesterday, but also ended the day with an MRI. James Russell looked like a solid bullpen option, but still gave up the lead on runners inherited from the useless Mask/Mateo duo. But we cling to hope here, not so much even due to the play at the moment, but because Thunder Matt alum and fellow attendee White Chili won $100 in Dairy Queen money from this terrifying horse-man from some diabetic Lynchian nightmare.

Horse-Man: The miscarried offspring of a thousand gibbering lunatics, here to foretell the end of man. Boy, I sure could use a Dilly Bar, though.

Ever seen a freakish horsehead man and thought "I could go for a Butterfinger crushed up in soft serve?" Apparently, people have. Anyway, back to the game. After building what should prove an insurmountable lead (the D-Backs are really, really bad), we lost Cashner to a sore shoulder and the lead to a pair of fuck-ups who can't find the strike zone except to give up a base hit. It's par for the course with what you'd expect from Samardzija, but I had higher hopes for Mateo. James Russell pitched well, but couldn't keep the D-Backs from tying because he'd been handed a shit-sandwich of baserunners. This is what happens when you burn your setup and closer three days in a row. I'm just glad we had enough capable arms (plus Samardzija) on the roster to finish out Cashner's early exit. They may have to call on the ghost of Rod Beck this afternoon if Dempster can't hang around.

Even more, sans Nightmare Horse, after the jump

Halfway through the game, no less.

Attendance yesterday was announced just over 27,000. That's pretty bad, and apparently the day before was the worst-attended Cubs game since Bruce Kim was fucking around in the dugout back in 2002. It's weird how the Ricketts kept the worst President in baseball, a GM that managed to spend us into a $145M fourth place finish, and raised the prices, and yet people still don't want to come to the game. Personally, I bought my tickets off of StubHub, and two tickets - fees and all - were still more than 10 bucks less than the price of a single 500-level ticket. Now that I've managed to slag the ownership in my contractually-obligated manner, I will say that the following picture was pretty damn funny. Just a bird, hanging out in the seats people were paying $70 for as recently as 2008.

Me and this garbage-eating bird both love seeing the game without paying the Ricketts.

Rock on, bird. Me and that bird, we're good Cubs fans. Probably because we lack all but the rudimentary ability to learn from the past.

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Opening Weekend Recap: Huzzah Baseball! Boo Cubs!

Like "Dawn of the Dead," but less cheerful.

First thing's first. We will admit that the trip to Mesa was one long string of drinking and laying in the sun. It's not the best atmosphere for the serious reportage that you know and love from WAIW. The entirety of my notes come down to this - along with ketchup and mustard, there is a ranch dressing pump at HoHoKam park. A ranch dressing pump. A PUMP. FOR PUMPING EXCLUSIVELY RANCH DRESSING. AN IMPLEMENT FOR THOSE WHO NEED DELIVERY OF GREAT AMOUNTS OF RANCH DRESSING WITH EXPEDIENCY. My brain broke. There's your update. And thanks to College of Idiots for an excellent tailgate.

I have no idea why Robert Redford, and I do not give a shit about Robert Redford. But it's low on the list of Ricketts decisions I'm mystified by.

But there's no need to dwell on our, as Wolfie puts it, "bum"-ness. Because baseball's back. Real, honest to god, drink four pitchers before the game and fall asleep at 7pm, baseball. And it's glorious. Not so much the play, just being back in those hard plastic green seats and knowing after months off exactly which concession stands both take cards and sell Old Style. Even better, Wrigley Field now sells Vienna Beef hot dogs and D'Agostino's Pizza. While you may be familiar with Vienna's legendary mechanically-separated meat sausage, D'Agostino's is a Wrigleyville legend in itself. It's the place we always end the WAIW Pub Crawl, even if I'm sleeping. It's the place where Kerry Wood and Hendo hammered out Woody's return to the North Side. And damn if it isn't the best thin crust in the city. I haven't yet tried the ballpark variant, but it can't be worse than that horseshit from Connie's. The Vienna Beef dog, which I have tried, is heaven. Especially eight pints into Opening Day.

The mayor is a Cubs fan? This seems like something Sox fans will bitch about. As if they needed something else.

The WAIW crew, plus some alumni of Thunder Matt's Saloon, were in attendance for Opening Day, mercifully under cover during the shitty, shitty rain that persisted throughout. As shitty as the rain was, Dempster did it one better, giving up all six runs in the loss via long ball. Even Samardzija, who the entire stadium was having fun heckling, couldn't top Dempster's performance, where every batter seemed to start with a 3-1 count. That puts me at 2-3 all time on Opening Day since my brother and I decided to make it a tradition before the 2007 opener. I now have many memories of shitty weather, mediocre baseball, one incredible Ted Lilly start, and a fridge full of magnet schedules. It's a good life.

Keep reading, and see a new WAIW feature, after the jump



For the Weekend Recaps this year, we're going to give out two weekly awards - the Ronnies and the LaTroys. The former - in honor of our dear departed WGN Radio color man and Cubs legend - will go to the player or players who gave us the best reason to cheer during the weekend series. The LaTroys are quite literally the opposite. They're to be awarded to the player who fucks up so bad that you want to want to scream "fuck you, LaTroy!" until you realize they aren't LaTroy, they're just shitty and you're just drunk. We'll close with our observations for the upcoming week. And that'll be that for as long as we remember to update in the correct format.



Ronnie Award, Opening Day Weekend - Starlin Castro

A healthy .615 batting average. If he can keep this up over an entire season, then it's as clear a sign as any that we're in suspended animation in a videogame while robots feed on us.

Let's be honest, Starlin Castro is going to be the only reason to tune in a lot of days. Say we're eighteen games back in August and there's a road game against the Diamondbacks on TV late. Oh, but what's this? There's also a marathon of Quincy, M.E., on cable? Shiiiiiit, man. Decisions. But I think the exciting young shortstop gets the call. And given how a lot of this team played last year, he might be the lone deciding factor between staring at Mike Quade or Jack Klugman on TV.



LaTroy Award - Ryan Dempster

This would have gone to Alfonso Soriano, who was already getting boos by the end of Opening Day, but he had to go ahead and make a big hit in our lone win Saturday. Asshole.

Demp had a bad outing against the Pirates, no two ways about it. But it's just one outing, so we're reserving the hate that we're sure we'll feel for late-season LaTroy Winners. The kind of hate we would never feel for Dempster Baby, unless, say, he moved back to the closer's role.

This Week...

- Tickets are already priced laughably low on the secondary market. You can thank everyone who bought a shitload of tickets but just wanted to see the Yankees.

- I bought a pair of those cheap-ass tickets for Tuesday's game, because it's the first bobblehead day of 2011, and you know I have a serious problem. Starlin Castro in his Tennessee Smokies uni. Dig.

- Is anyone excited to see how Randy Wells pitches today? It's been a long road from "exciting" to "#5 caliber."

- I'm predicting now that this Soriano situation turns ugly before All Star Break. He's a shadow of what he used to be.

- Lots of empty seats by the 7th inning on Opening Day. Sure, it was raining and we were losing. Lot of empty seats Sunday early on. Eesh.

- Opening Day bleacher seats cost $72 - FACE VALUE. It's official - I officially fucking hate the bleachers. Record it.

- Baseball's back, and I'd like to take this moment to enjoy that fact that I'm so happy for something that I know is going to leave me so pissed off. Happy 2011, kids!

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