So It's Come to This

Despite everything having gone wrong this year - to the point that one of our few bright spots being impaled like a damned vampire - I still stand by my devotion to the Cubs. And I've never minded watching the team circle the drain with a comfortable seat and a cold Old Style. It was, minus the Old Style, the way that childhood baseball fandom went. I want to take the wife to one more game this year, so I went on to StubHub, because we're so bad that buying direct from the box office has become a sucker's bet. What I found was ... not unexpected, but pretty stark.



Two Cubs tickets - for less than the price of eating at Denny's. Thanks for the memories, Hendry.

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Cubs Media: Eeeeesh

I'm sure you've heard, but catch the video before MLB pulls it down. I think it's a very good summation of the 2010 Cubs, myself.

Tomorrow: Analysis of the fact that someone tried to bomb Sluggers. No tacky jokes about the Cubby Bear, please. Wait for me.

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Legitimate Holy Shit Moment: Cubs Sweep Cardinals!

Oh sure, now you're throwing heat.

It's no secret that most Cubs bloggers - at least, the ones that I talk to or Facebook near - have sort of mentally checked out of this season. Sure, we still watch and keep up with team news, but there's not that sense of urgency that only contention can bring. I mean shit, it's September and all. Yet the lack of attention may have bitten some of the casual fans right in the ass yesterday, because we swept the hated Cards in St. Louis (French for "shit-ass meth town") for the first time since 1988. I was four years old then, and probably not in a position to appreciate it. The winning pitchers that series were Sutcliffe, Maddux, and Jeff Pico. That's right, THE Jeff Pico. This time? Samardzija, Wells, and Zambrano. Enjoyable.

Here, without further ado, are the 10 Things Missed By Giving Up on This Horrible, Horrible Team.

1. Zambrano is apparently back in business, now that no one's watching. He hasn't given up more than 2 earned runs in any of his starts since the return from his freakout-based suspension. In completing the sweep, Z went a solid six, giving up four hits and two runs, and mercifully not screaming at anyone.

2. Mike Quade is 14-7 as a manager. If this keeps up, expect a chorus of dumbasses calling for him to be named full-time manager, with the expectation that he'll win twice as many games as he loses. No, the managerial candidate for us is Sexy Matt Sinatro. Va-VOOM!

3. St. Louis? Now 8 games back in the division, with 18 to go. It's nice to step on their necks in such a fashion. Though if anyone could give up that lead, other than the Mets, it'll be Dusty Baker. Stay tuned.

4. I don't really want to say this, because I think I'll jinx something, but Kosuke Fukudome is hitting .274 this late in the season. But shhhhhh. We'll keep it a secret.

5. Remember how Aramis Ramirez was going through the most horrible slump we could ever imagine? Well, he's only raised his average to .245 - honestly, how high could that number go? - but he's got the team lead in homers (23) and RBI (75). I'm not sure if I'm proud of my favorite player or depressed at the state of the team.

5 More, and Possible Nudity*, After the Jump

(Note: No Nudity, still one great picture coming up though)

Awesome, awesome, awesome. This is the mental picture I have of the Cardinals, their fans, and Tony LaRussa's liver at all times.

6. Blake DeWitt will heretofore be known as Jeff Baker 2.0. Good thing we gave up a pitcher and cash for his ass. He makes me hate myself for wishing that Darwin Barney will be in the lineup. That thrown-in pitching prospect had better be damn good.

7. Our bullpen, outside of Marshall and Marmol, is entirely composed of sucky pitchers. It's not even subjective - quantitative stats tell me that there's not a one of those sad bastards with an ERA under 5. For fuck's sake.

8. Samardzija pitched a decent game for once on Monday. 5.2 innings of no-run work against the Cardinals which single-handedly lowered his legendarily sucky ERA by 11.90. He's not at a more Thomas Diamond-ian 7.00. This will now convince all the ND alums in the area that he'll be pitching in next year's All Star Game. Or it would, if they were still paying attention to baseball.

9. So how is our boy Ted Lilly doing in Los Angeles? About like you'd expect - equal measures of dominant (complete game shutout against the Rockies) and frustrating (7 ER in 4 innings 10 days later against the same Colorado team). Of course, he's 5-2 out there, so while the Dodgers are fourth in their division, 10 games back, and under .500, they still managed to provide a better support system than the Cubs.

10. Only six more games left at the Friendly Confines before we close down shop for the year. Let's all try to get to at least one more game and shed a tear for the Mastercard Presale that's mere months away.

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Astros 4 - Cubs 0: 2010 Looks a Lot Like 2006

Randy Wells, 6-13. Eeeesh.

Poor Randy Wells - it's pretty easy to go from WAVE OF THE FUTURE to Steve Trachsel 2.0. He's had his up and down starts, and it's easy to remember the good times, but the fact is that he's a #4 pitcher at best. And frankly, with some of the shit he's thrown this year, he's going to be lucky to be slotted in at #5 come 2011 Spring Training. I still like him, but the poor bastard won't soon forget this year.

Can the organist at Wrigley play the Benny Hill music?

And as a bonus to this depressing premature epitaph to Wells as a starter, we also lost another cocksucking motherfucking series to the Houston Slapdick Astros, putting a cherry on top of a year in which we were owned by the two worst teams in the NL Central. Or rather, the two "other" worst teams. I have a hard time placing us above either of them of late. For those of you wristcutters keeping track, we are now 5.5 back of fourth place, 19.5 behind the top of the division, and about 25.5 back of anyone giving a shit.

Sorry, I'm being depressing. I know just how to counteract this:

I hope that did it for you. What, you were expecting a Cubs highlight? Not from this year, champ.

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Cubs Media Wednesday: Raging Hawk

Busy week - please to enjoy this video of the Hawk almost breaking through two teams worth of players to beat the holy fuck out of Eric Show, who is dead now, and surely in hell. Not because of this, but because he was a member of the John Birch Society, a group that thought Eisenhower was a commie. Bonus appearance by Rick Sutcliffe, who lays down some justice of his own.

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Cubs 5 - Pirates 3: DOWN GOES SLOTH!

"... suddenly, the mighty predator LEAPS at its unfortunate prey!"

Tom Gorzelanny is more of a ball magnet than Marty Brennaman's chin. After leaving a game with a ball to the arm against the Phillies earlier in the year, Tommy Sloth once again had to be pulled after Jose Tabata (who?) smacked him with one back up the middle. Thomas Diamond, who I still maintain isn't real, came in for 1 2/3 and earned the win. We're to the point where the injury (he's supposed to be fine) is way more exciting than the game action. I mean shit, more than 20 games back. But there was even more ... puzzling, maybe? ... stuff going on at Wrigley last night.

Dutchie, comfortable in her seat, prior to her passing 'pon de lefthand side.

The Cubs moved the Harry Caray statue from Addison and Sheffield (RF gate, close to the L) over to Waveland and Sheffield, by the bleacher gate. It happened sometime over the last week, to make room for a statue of Billy Williams. For some reason, Dutchie agreed to be at the "re-dedication" ceremony last night, alongside other Cubs luminaries. Why she honored the team's "F You" to her late husband, I'm not quite sure. Yes, Harry enjoyed the bleachers, but let's not pretend that Addison and Sheffield isn't the prime location for Chicagoans and L-bound tourists alike. I suppose anything to put one more event between today and the Mastercard Pre-Sale, which I will keep screaming about until I vomit blood onto the silk safari suits of the Dickish Ricketts. Anyway, not much to say about it, except that it gave us this gem of a picture, for which I am grateful.

Sweet. Older people probably find this less exaggerated and, as a result, less funny.

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Pirates 14 - Cubs 7: Blame Canada!

"I'M NOT CRYING! I GOT A SPLINTER OF BAT IN MY EYE WHEN HE SMASHED THAT LAST DOUBLE TO THE WALL!"

Sweet merciful crap that is a brutal line for Dempster Baby - 3.0IP, 7H, 7ER. To be fair, the Pirates were due a road win, having lost the previous 14 contests away from their smelly Pittsburgh backwater (it's still nicer than Philadelphia!). To be even more fair, how could our $130M payroll possibly hope to compete with the fireballing likes of Jeff Karstens (3-10), Sean Gallagher (didn't we shitcan you two years ago?) and The Reanimated Corpse of Chan Ho Park. No, expecting a win last night with our ace on the mound would have been pure folly.

He looks so sad that I'm fairly convinced this in an ad for some manner of impotence drug.

How would you guess our record stands against the NL Central's perennial doormat this season? If you guessed 4-10, you're correct, you melancholy yet accurate son of a bitch! Of the MLB-worst 44 wins the Pirates boast, TEN them are against our team. Nearly a fourth of the wins of this pathetic shit team have come from shit-beating our half-assed collective. Oh, how I wish there was a way we could finish behind them in the division this year. It might send the message that the Ricketts are morons for keeping on Crane Kenney and Hungry Hungry Hendry, and that their Mastercard pre-sale can go fuck itself with a hot iron fire poker. But nay, our mighty Boys in Blue remain 11 1/2 above last place. Hooray!

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