Married Guy Is Back: 10 Things I Missed

So I'm back from the honeymoon, returned to the grind of work, and the grind of Cubs fandom. Here are 10 things that went on during and around that time.

1. While waiting for the wedding to start, I was following the game first on the radio then on my phone. As I was called to the front, I took one last reassuring look at the screen - one out in the 9th, a two run lead, and Marmol on the mound. Later, as a married man, I saw that Atlanta won 5-3. Turns out being a married Cubs fan is rather the same thing as being a single one.

2. 20 and a half games back? Fuck me. How are we more worried about the manager job than the GM one? But hey, we're only four and a half back of the Astros.

3. A-Ram has hit three homers since I left, and Fuku has hit two. I'm sorry I missed those, because that's about it for good stuff to watch with the Cubs these days.

4. Though the sound was off, I got a little emotional when I saw Lou's postretirement conference and his man-tears. A rare tender moment in the pub of a Sandals Bahamian resort.

5. And by the way, can you blame the guy for packing it in early? I'm sure that by the end, he was having horrible flashbacks to his tenure with the Rays.

Five more, after the jump



6. OMGWHOWILLBETHENEXTMANAGER. Gee, I can't wait for a metric ton of breathless non-stories on the radio and in print from now until that underwhelming moment when we actually hire a new manager, only to realize that Soriano still has 3 $18M seasons left.

7. Did you know that John Grabow is making nearly $5M? Does that fact now make you defecate in rage?

8. We went on a three game winning streak against the Nationals, who are officially the Charlie Brown of the league after losing their best player and meal ticket. The ghost of Mark Prior returns to haunt us all. But hey, ESPN, thanks for all the months of hype. I just hope they don't take Strasburg behind a barn and shoot him like Barbaro. He won't make nearly enough glue to make it worth the effort.

9. Tickets for the first game of the upcoming September series against the Giants start at $2 on StubHub. Seriously.

10. Hm, tenth thing, tenth thing. My tenth thing is that I'm apparently quite rusty at blogging. Seems like a cheat, doesn't it?

Read More »»

Getting Married - Back Later

Ladies and gentlemen of the WAIW Board of Directors, I must ask for a brief respite from covering this soul-crushingly depressing team. On Friday, I will be a married man. I will clinch, in the parlance of our blog. After that, I will be a married man vacationing in the sun-lit Caribbean. Life is hard.

Anyway, today's the bachelor party, and from there it's pretty non-stop. Perhaps Steve will swing by to entertain you, but you'll have to circle "30" on the calendar and put increasingly shaky X-es over the preceding numbers as time grinds crushingly on. Only then shall I make my triumphant return.

How am I celebrating this momentous event? Why, with a Cubs game, of course. If you're in the neighborhood today or tonight, just look for the drunk guy in the Cubs hat. Oh, wait ...

Read More »»

YAWWWWWWWN: Your Malaise-y Recap

Weekend bad. Monday bad. Tuesday good. Game late. Play Giants. Fukudome hit bay. It also good. Maybe not lose 90.

(John C., Bachelor of Arts in English Literature - University of Tennessee)

Read More »»

Cubs 15 - Brewers 3: Cubs ... what's the word here ... win?

Starting Lineup's new "Awkward Pose Series" didn't sell very well.

Just when I start rooting for the losing streak, the Cubs have to go and ruin it for me. I really don't know what to say at this point - we're pretty horrible, and despite Lou's grumbling at the question, there's not a whole lot left to do but play the spoiler and hope that both Hendo and that weasley shit Crane Kenney are shitcanned forthwith. But hey, lets look at some positives I noticed in anticipation of our weekend shitbeating at the hands of the Reds.

- Byrd and Soto both have OBPs of over .375. Castro (.364) isn't far away. Hell, even Derrek Lee (.337) has made strides. And Soriano's (.326) isn't awesome, but it's higher than you'd suspect - and sure as shit higher than than Milton Bradley's (.298, also a crazy asshole).

- Dempster Baby got his first win in about a month or so, as I remember. Poor son of a bitch. Remember when people were bitching about his new $40M contract? Seems so long ago.

- Zambrano pitched last night. The headlines this morning aren't all about him freaking the fuck out. So that's something.

- Marshall's ERA is still only 2.60 after the dogshit week and a half he's had. I hate our bullpen so much.

- Castro is currently out-averaging Byrd (.318 to .316). Pretty impressive for someone who was a fetus when Fraggle Rock was still on the air.

In summation - HOORAY FOR A FEW THINGS!

Read More »»

Brewers 4 - Cubs 3: Do We Now Start Rooting for 10 In a Row?

Haven't had a good levitating bat joke in awhile. Hey! Umm ... look at that levitating bat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Seven in a row. Well shit. There's part of me that's in deep existential pain. Then there's that other part of me that is starting to root for a truly legendary losing streak to highlight for everyone else the success of the Ricketts' "If it's broke, don't fix it" plan. Fuck, I'd watch us lose 10 more in a row if it would mean a guarantee that the smarmy safari-clad fucks in ownership would regret that ridiculous Mastercard Pre-Sale for even a second. I mean, it's not like there's anything else to distract me - you know, like playoff baseball.



Soriano can't roll back over on his own. If you don't flip him back over, he dies in the sun.

On the plus side, an individual known as Thomas Diamond (International Art Thief) had a pretty decent game for a AAA-er. 7 innings, 10 Ks, and 122 pitches wasn't bad at all. He took the loss, but a lot of people on the Cubs have been doing that lately. Castro's hitting has raised his average to .309, and I'm considering nicknaming him "Rare Bright Spot." Sure could use a win one of these days, though. Should we lose the remaining two to the Brewers, I'll be in the catbird seat for the attempted 10th loss in a row on Friday. I mean, why not? Rejoice in victory, wallow in defeat. And I plan to wallow the shit out of the rest of this year.

Read More »»

Brewers 18 - Cubs 1: ... the FUCK?!?

Brutal. Like, "I have to live in Milwaukee" brutal. Or "I have to watch the 2010 Chicago Cubs" brutal.

Seriously?!? I step away from the TV to stir some sausage ragu for a minute, cook some pasta, and get dinner together. Step back, and it's a certified ass-pounding - the second in less than a week. Absolutely pathetic. This almost makes me not want to go to the game on my day off this Friday. The Brewers scored more runs last night than the Cubs have in the last six games combined. The Cubs gave up 26 hits - tied for the most in team history. We're half a game back of the Astros. I will pay no more than $10 for a ticket on Friday, that's for sure.

I turned it off at 13-1. Does that make me a bad fan?

Randy Wells gave another of his "yeah, this guy's probably just a fifth starter" performances. They've become something of a specialty of his this year. By the time Randy left the game, the result was all but decided, thanks to our pathetic bats. But Wells wasn't alone in suckage - Justin Berg can't pitch, Bryan Schlitter can't get anyone out, and Casey Coleman earned all the distinction implied in his Elias Sports Bureau profile.

To be fair, I may have been the first person to click on this.

Six in a row kids. Six. May as well tune in tonight. Statistically, we can't lose every game for the rest of the season ... right?!?!?!

Read More »»

Weekend Suckfest Recap: Now Is the Time For Malaise!

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen of WAIW. If you hadn't heard, the Colorado Rockies - a team that came into our weekend series having lost 8 straight games - completed a thorough fisting of the Cubs over the weekend, including a 17-2 shit-beating in the opener. But that's not necessarily all your bad news in one shot. Let's bullet point this beotch, because putting it all to prose might lead some of you to throw an electrical cord over the rafter and step up on that rickety chair after addressing a shakily-written note to an estranged family member.

- Lilly? Gone, along with Theriot, for Blake DeWitt (i.e. Ryan Theriot West) and some minor leaguers. Oh, and we gave them $2.5 million. I have no idea why.

- Hendry trading cash, a pitcher, and another player for a career .262 middle infielder? Give it to me man, he sticks with his strategies. The ass.

- Carlos Silva lasted 1/3 of an inning on Sunday, and then had to go to the hospital. Still less traumatic than your average Zambrano start.

- Derrek Lee? Not going anywhere, apparently. At least until the offseason, when we won't get anything for him.

- All the work has apparently caught up with Sean Marshall, who gave up 5 hits and 5 earned runs during Friday's pasting, then took the loss the next day after giving up a game-winning cycle-giving home run.

- Cashner did no bettter after blowing Lilly's last start earlier in the week, out-Marshalling Marshsall on Friday (6H, 6ER) and giving up two walks on Sunday before ultimately getting out of it. The ERA is over 6 and the WHIP is a Samardzija-ian 1.588. Yeesh.

Stay tuned this week, when we take our league-worst record against the NL Central back to Wrigley for a pair of series with the Brewers and Reds. We're starting something known as Thomas Diamond on Tuesday, so that should be ... interesting. Stay tuned! .... somehow.

Read More »»