The Ted Lilly Live Blog: TLLB on WAIW - So Long, Ted

Greetings, readers of WAIW and other Theodore Roosevelt Lilly enthusiasts. Given that tonight's start may very well be the last that Mr. Lilly has in blue pinstripes, we thought it proper to commemorate it with our first ever game live blog. Sure, we've done it while hosting a nine-inning drinking marathon before, but this is a whole different realm of self-indulgent stream of consciousness.

Joining me will be my Futurewife, Emily. And Steve, should he decide to Blackberry Messenger me something. Shit yes, folks, it's going down. Your Tuesday night from 7-10ish will ever be the same.

Pregame:

- I've got some tall boys, my well-worn Cubs hat, and a bowl of home-made mofongo for dinner. I've officially begun calling my coffee table "The Command Center."

- No Geo Soto. So we get to watch Koyie Hill bat. Bad start to the evening.

Top of the First

- I cannot get over the fact that Brett Myers is a scumbag, no matter how well he does for a small market team. That applies to anywhere. But hey, Len, yeah, good free agent signing.

- Damn, Colvin. That was fast.

- A few lonely Astros fans watching through the greenhouse glass from the top of a nearby building. Adorable.

- An almost hit by D.Lee. That's a promising ... yeah, I'm not going to pretend that was a great inning.
- Ah, Moreland is on the radio tonight. Makes me wish I was catching that.

Bottom of the First

- Sweet lord. Even Humberto Quintero hits better than Koyie Hill. The lineup card tells me so.

- First pitch - strike. Second pitch - ground out. Ted will thus have a 54 pitch complete game.

- Bob Brenly tells us that pitchers aren't really able to control their run support. I'm glad there are analysts here to hold our hands through the complicated parts of the games.

- Emily has decided to finish her episode of Lie to Me on the computer. The 2010 Cubs: Less compelling than Tim Roth.

- Good first inning for Ted. The 54 pitch prediction may be premature, however.

- Steve keeps texting me what fraction of a perfect game Ted has pitched. Jinxy motherfucker. YOUR DENOMINATORS WILL RUIN US ALL.

Top of the Second

- Talking about the resurgences of Aramis and Derrek are more jinxy than Steve's perfect game math.

- Ha. Len talking about the "individual accomplishments of those on the team." You know, because the team can't do dick.

- They're still talking about Byrd's defensive prowess while Soriano is hacking away. It'd be great if Sori stepped out of the box and yelled "I CAN HEAR YOU."

Bottom of the Second

- Humboldt Park Children's Baseball: thinning the herd by making kids go outside in Chicago's stabbiest neighborhood.

- I hate Carlos Lee. And Steve's fractions.

- Me: WHERE ARE YOUR FRACTIONS NOW?!?!? Steve: Cannot determine common denominator.

- That Cards series was our first division series win in three months? Shit.

- Carlos Lee made Keppinger strike out by distractingly walking. What is this, Monday night league bowling?

- Jeff Bagwell looks like Danny Bonaduce during a heroin binge.

- Steve: "5/27th through a shutout." I'll take his word for it.

- Len tells me that Quintero wears his back right pocket out. I think it's a gang thing. Or a tard thing.

- Nice strikeout, gangtard.

Top of the Third

- Homerun highlight turns into today's flyout. STOP IT LEN AND BOB.

- FUCK ME KOYIE HILL SUCKS

- Ted Lilly, at 0-2, already has a more productive at-bat than Koyie Hill.

- Jesus these Cubs innings are getting shorter and shorter. That wife-puncher sure can pitch.

Bottom of the Third

- It comes to light that Steve and I may have been at Lilly's last home start, in which he received no run support and we lost the game in extras. A true Cub experience for Lilly.

- I mention to Emily that if we have a girl, we could name it Lilly. She laughs. I'll bring it up again when she's whacked out on an epidural.

- Double play for Ted. Fuck and yes. And with Michael Bourn running, to boot.

- Ted strikes out Sanchez. Dirty.

Top of the Fourth

- Fuck. I try to fix my shitty IKEA cabinet quickly and I miss Colvin's hit. Life is difficult. I CURSE YOU, GODMORGON!

- Castro looks so young. I bet when I'm 40 years old, the players will be fetuses.

- Man at third with one out, thanks to Castro. The Cubs are good at not making use of this.

- Ah, fuck. Someone named Sanchez took our run. And our jerrrrbs!

- Brett Myers looks like a roadie for Disturbed.

- Cubs don't score. Told you.

Bottom of the Fourth

- I hate it when someone calls it a "no-no." Just call it a vagina.

- Er, I mean a "no hitter."

- Theriot makes the catch. Does one really need sweatbands in an air-conditioned park?

- I still hate Carlos Lee.

- Ooooh, Lilly almost just gave up one of his patented Poorly Timed Home Runs (TM).

- Cubs games have conditioned me to look for a douche in a pink hat behind the plate, even whilst on the road.

- Grown man with a glove catches a foul ball. We should not encourage such behavior.

- Keppinger strikes out, continues to look like a bearded version of Angel from the X-Men movies.

- How the FUCK does Carlos Lee steal second while getting picked off. The fuck is up with that throw and/or tag?

- HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Len and Bob object to the shaving cream pie. Because it's not real pie.

- Continuing the pie discussion, Len doesn't realize the Three Stooges are long dead.

- Stranding a man in scoring position doesn't feel very good, does it? The parade of offensive mediocrity continues.

Top of the Fifth

- Switched from Old Style to High Life. I'm like a man who boldly moves from North Dakota all the way to South Dakota.

- Brett Myers walks, just like he did on the wife-punching charges.

- Entourage will be on WGN this fall. Remember what I said before about the parade of mediocrity? It's year-round now.

- Holy ass, Soriano is taking some awful swings.

- I think the smattering of fans just tried to do the wave.

- Soriano strikes out. No 3-0 count is safe!

- Len describes a line drive taken to the "inter-pelvic area." Yeesh.

- Brett Myers jumps for the bouncer, just like he did for Fred Durst at Lollapalooza in 1997.

- Lie to Me has ended. The Cubs now lose to laundry. I hope the Ricketts are paying attention. My future wife is choosing chores over their team.

- ... and of course, as I type that, another shitty inning ends.

Bottom of the Fifth

- Just seeing the ads for Lone Star College. Go Whitefish!

- And Ted lets another man on base. Never a dull moment. Unless we're hitting.

- Me to Futurewife: "You're hardly in this blog at all." Her: *shrug*

- Her: "You didn't put 'Honey'." NO ONE MUST KNOW OF MY DOMESTIC TENDERNESS.

- Shit. First and third with no outs. This looks like it'll be the inning we fail to recover from.

- Myers swinging away, eh? Must figure his wife is around the plate area.

- Woman behind the plate protects her face from a foul, forgetting the net. Don't worry, lady. You're from Houston. You can get smashed in the face with a screamer and still rate a 8 on the Houston Municipal Hotness Scale.

- Myers pops out. [Error 44681: Spousal Abuse Humor Fail]

- Emily says my previous mention of naming a kid after Ted Lilly implies she is pregnant. She's not. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU LADY - IT'S ABOUT TED.

- ... as I ready my couch bed for the evening.

- Bourn strikes out on a sick curve. Filthy. With that amazing couple of at-bats, I forsee a letdown. But I'm a Cubs fan. I always foresee a letdown.

- Steve: "Koyie Hill has a better chance of modeling for Rolodex than getting a hit." BURN! Or rather, BANSAW TO THE FINGERS!

- Steve's Fun Fact: "Cubs are farther back in the Wild Card than the division." Well, shit. I was looking forward to buying a 2010 Wild Card Champions shirt.

- TED ESCAPES. HE IS HOUDINI WITH A CURVEBALL.

- Back to the IKEA cabinet. I love their food, and want to smash their furniture with a hammer.

Top of the Sixth

- I give up on the Cabinet. Emily is now the man of the house.

- Ted Lilly is a manly man - except in the batter's box. Then it looks like he's me at fantasy camp going against Fergie Jenkins.

- Fuck we suck. Nothing to even write about in that half inning. Let's see how many long Ted can keep men on base from scoring.

- Both bullpens getting warm. That can mean only one thing - SHITTY BULLPEN DUEL!

- Lilly strikes out Fancy Boy. FAAAAANNNNCCCYYYYY BOYYYYYYYYYYY!

- Lilly finally manages to sit down Carlos Lee. It comes through Koyie Hill, which gives me mixed emotions. Like farting at a clown funeral.

- Emily has managed to install brackets in the Shitty IKEA Cabinet with her small, elf-like hands. I am humbled.

- Uh oh. TedTrain issues his first walk. Larry Rothschild - everyone's favorite shaggy uncle - is on the phone to the pen.

- As far as half-assed pickoff throws go, Ted is the greatest.

- Back to back walks. This is almost as bad as that time I told an IKEA cabinet to fuck off ten minutes ago.

- See ya, Ted. It's been real. May our bullpen fuck this up in the most honorable way possible.

Exeunt Ted

- We figure we'll stick around for the rest of this shitshow, because why the hell not?

- Cashner's in. If he blows up tonight, let the Samardzija comparisons reign supreme.

- Steve: "Did you hear that inane talk from Len about taking out TRL? 'Lilly was a little ill over the weekend, so maybe that was why he was taken out. Of course, he did throw 113 pitches, so that might be the reason.'" Hot sweet damn, that's brilliant!

- Cashner ends the inning. No earned runs for Uncle Teddy.

- Steve: "Desperate for things to talk about because silence makes the suicide contemplation thought louder."

Top of the Seventh

- Oh, Derrek.

- Is it wrong I'm wanting to watch that Blackhawks playoff game on the DVR?

- Len: "How about a home run." Me: "How about magical ponies, you fuck?"

- Former Phillies teammates Myers and Byrd opposing. See if you can tell which one hits his wife.

- Byrd runs out a chopper.

- STOP SWINGING IN GENERAL, SORIANO

- And another Cubs inning over. I'm glad I've chosen to live blog this 0-0 game.

- Emily wonders what the Ted Lilly Fan Club is saying right now. I wish they were like blogging. That would abdicate my responsibility. She wishes so too, because they are more entertaining than me swearing a blood oath to destroy a Shitty IKEA Cabinet.

Bottom of the Seventh

- Lance Berkman's fan club - the Little Pumas, apparently - look like a bunch of plushie freaks.

- Looks like Myers is out, too. I'd rejoice, but I think it's more our offense.

- Quintero gets hit on an 0-2 fastball. Thanks a fucking lot, Cashner. Now we get Brett Myers to the plate.

- The Astros send some asshole from the French gentry to pinch run.

- It takes a talented pitcher to get to 3-2 on a pitcher who is bunting.

- And bunted to third. Good - enjoy your stupid fucking mistake, Cashner. The way things are going with our bats, you have likely lost us the game. Dick.

- And now we intentionally walk the fastest guy on the team. Can't see that going wrong at all.

- Astros score on a squeeze. Fuck yourself, Cashner. Fuck yourself, rest of the team.

- And another run. Looks like I'll only be covering 9 tonight, kids. At least it was Fancy Boy, who Steve and I both like.

- I just noticed Cashner wears a necklace. Man, I hate that shit. Even when Harden and his pukka shells were on the mound.

- Len points out that the Astros only have 1 hit and 2 runs this inning. Sounds about right.

- Cashner issues a walk. The bullpen finally stirs. Hockey on DVR beckons.

- Jesus, Samardzija Jr. hit a batter on the first pitch after getting the bullpen going. What a shit.

- Steve: "Cashner reminds me of Penny Hardaway in 'Blue Chips'." He's betting on the game right?"

- And right on cue, a grand slam.

- Emily: "Can we be done?" Yes we can, honey. Yes we can.

- Goodbye, Ted. I hope your next team causes less physical illness than your current one. You were always an enjoyable guy. I doubt I will one day say this of Andrew Cashner. Good luck in New York, Minnesota, or ... um, New York.

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Weekend Recap: Swang Song for SLilly (Lazy Headline Day)

So the weekend was happy - and sort of bittersweet. Let's do 2 lists of 5, because I'm writing this at my kitchen table, and it's chicken burger night. I gots me the expensive feta.

Not so Good

1. Losing in extras on a Sunday night and seeing the fucktards celebrate after losing a series? Not a great last impression of the weekend.

2. Could be the last Cardinals series for Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, who didn't even get to pitch. He of the famous Yadier Molina exploratory vaginoplasty.

3. Our bullpen? Still shitty. SHITTAY.

4. D.Lee and Fuku - favorites of WAIW - may also be gone. This will cause great WAIW sadness.

5. That HR to Pujols to tie the game on Sunday? Fucking BRUTAL.

Good

1. Randy Wells pitched 7 nice innings of shutout ball. No shit.

2. NO HOWRY! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

3. I caught the majority of Saturday's game, including the ending, on WGN while driving to a barbecue at my parents' house. It was superb. The ninth inning was the kind of thing that keeps me listening to the Cubs no matter how bad we get.

4. Castro and Colvin ... dang. To think that a couple of years ago we wouldn't trade Feix Pie to get Brian Roberts. Crazy, no?

5. We won a series over the Cards. I don't care how bad we are, that always feels good.

Tomorrow night, TRL pitches what will probably be his last game for our Chicago Cubs. Wear pinstripes to work tomorrow. Black pinstripes. To grieve.

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So Lou-ng: Handicapping the Managerial Candidates

Aw, see ya buddy. Also, what the hell were you thinking on Wednesday? We'll miss you.

As you've no doubt heard by now (I mean, we haven't posted since friggin' Monday), our very own Lou Piniella has confirmed that he's retiring after the Cubs finish limping through 2010. Sweet Lou's tenure might have ended with a terrible 2010 after a disappointing 2009, but we've always been in support of the man. Well, not on Wednesday. He managed that shit right into the ground. Anyway, with a hiring decision on the horizon, WAIW has decided to take an in-depth look at the best candidates for the job. Observe, and marvel at our insight.

Ryne Sandberg

Could still probably hit better than Koyie Hill over a full season.

Pro: An absolute legend in the Cubs organization, beloved as one of the greatest second basemen in the history of the game.

Con: Notice how none of the pros were about his managerial skills. Fan love has made people forget that he's really only been managing since 2007. Also turned down a role in "Homer at the Bat," which still gets me years later.

Fredi Gonzalez

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to exit quietly. And you're now banned from this particular Hooters location."

Pro: The winningest manager in Marlins history. The Sporting News named him Manager of the Year in 2008. Also from Cuba, which I dig.

Con: Being the winningest manager in Marlins history is like being the sexist person at Arby's.

Joe Torre

Good thing I was able to remove the OldMenInBaseballPants.com watermark. That would have been embarrassing.

Pro: A bona-fide legend in the game - managed the Yankees to six pennants and four World Series. We'd rather not discuss his work with the Dodgers. Especially not in 2008.

Con: What could go wrong with hiring an aging ex-Yankee to manage the team? Oh, right.

We run down the rest of the candidates, after the jump.



Joe Girardi

The past, OR THE FUTURE?!?!?!? No, it's the past. OR IS IT?!?!? Yes.

Pro: A sharp managerial mind, who also happens to be young and an ex-Cub. Won a World Series in pretty short order, which is a credit to anyone - even a guy playing with the Steinbrenner toybox.

Con: I get the concept of pressure from the NY media, but why on earth would you leave the Yankees to decide between John Grabow and Bob Howry in the 7th inning? Fuck, I just made myself sad with that hypothetical.

Bob Brenly

MUSTACHE!

Pros: MUSTACHE! (Also, some business about a couple of 90 win teams and a World Series.)

Cons: I love Bob in the booth, and would hate to lose him. There's also the matter of him being the most lukewarm managerial commodity in most recent offseasons. We don't have to settle for the guys no one else wants anymore - except for in the bullpen, infield, and as the team president.

Ned Yost



Pro: We'd get to use the term "Yost infection" again.

Con: Just kidding. We'd never be desperate enough to hire Ned Yost.

Coach Eric Taylor

He also gets tomorrow's newspaper, which would help.

Pro: Dispenses hard-nosed yet caring advice to troubled youth, all while struggling to give enough time to his loving family. THIS WILL WARM YOUR HEART.

Con: Football coach. Also fictional.

Galactus, Eater of Worlds

Galactus. Shit yes.

Pro: Massive, imposing size could distract and intimidate opponents. Has survived clashes with Earth's mightiest beings. Created the Silver Surfer, who was pretty bitchin' in his own right.

Con: He, uh, eats worlds. That could come back to bite us.

PREDICTION: The Cubs, unable to lure Torre or Girardi, ultimately go with Fredi. Hendo, giving him the same bullshit to work with, can't figure out why the team isn't very good. Rinse. Repeat.

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Cubs Media Monday: Shocking!

Our Boys in Blue took a 4-game series from the defending NL champs, and could have swept were it not for the Teflon glove to Geovany Soto. They had a good weekend. This guy, at a Daytona Cubs game - he did not.

Next month, he'll be getting tased in Tennessee. Then, should he perform well there, he'll be getting pepper sprayed in Iowa. A great start to fulfilling this great fan's dream of getting truncheoned by Chicago's finest. Keep drinking, good sir! Don't let things like "dignity" or "self-esteem" get in your way. Reach for the stars - or, rather, involuntarily clutch in their general direction while absorbing 50,000 volts through your company-issued polo shirt and prodigious beer gut.

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WAIW Roundtable: Good Guy, Bad Team

I will note that this question was asked - and answered - prior to Marlon Byrd's All Star Game heroics. Clearly, our esteemed collective of bloggers knows a good thing when they see it. On to the question:

All the despairing coverage of this year's dismal team, mainstream and blog, has focused on the word "unlikable." And while there's no denying that even Carlos Zambrano's mother thinks he's being kind of a dick, we're clearly still watching for a reason. Who on this year's team do you like best, and why? Show your work.

The Ted Lilly Fan Club

Mrs. TLFC tells us that, in the Eclipse debate, she's on Team Edward. Normally, we'd be upset and demand marriage counseling but, in this case, we're fine with her adoration b/c it gives us an excuse to officially reaffirm our admiration for a certain lefty from Torrance, CA (who, yes, also has great hair). Yes, that's right--we admit it! We're on Team Ted. Sure--by nature of our by-laws, we are legally obliagted to "like" Ted best but what's not to like? Crafty lefty? Check. Death stare that causes Medusa to turn to stone? Ummm, yep. Chiseled hunk? Check. Friend to animals? Check. Willingness to give up 4 HRs on America's Birthday b/c a sick child asked him to? Yep. Are you not entertained?

Sure, DLee will probably get Veteran's Committee votes, Byrd is lone All-Star and Tyler Colvin is decent (prob b/c his name contains "TL") but, as our general counsel instructed us to say, Ted is our choice.

Jen, Cub Blogging

The only player hitting above .300, Marlon Byrd, is keeping my head out of the oven -- at least for now. After all, the "Byrd is the Word" signage is much more sensible than "It's Gonna Happen". Plus he shares in our endless pain of trying to blog about this excruciating team. Lest we forget, he's removed the skid mark on the initials MB. And…I've got season tickets to his gun show.

Waxpaperbeercup

Sadly, I watch very little. When I watch I'm interested in the young players. Castro, Colvin, Cashner and to a lesser extent Wells and Soto. Beyond that I'm waiting for Bears Camp.

Ace, Bleacher Nation

My favorite this year has been Aramis Ramirez. He makes me believe that I, too, could be a Major League baller.

But seriously, it's gotta be Marlon Byrd. He's not going to single-handedly carry the team, but his attitude is visibly awesome. He plays the game with extra excitement and hustle - and hey, he's been pretty damn good, too.

Cubbiejulie, A League of Her Own

I like Marlon Byrd the best for seeming to know how to play baseball.

Well said, Julie. We'll see you guys next week.

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Joey Votto: Douchebag.

Name: Joey Votto

Interests: Date-rape, NASCAR, Hangin with my brahs

Back in my collegiate days, I would use my free hosting powers to celebrate a Douche of the Week. Said "DOTW" would mostly be fellow student that participated in some douchey event over the week or even Steve Bartman (thanks Internet archives!) Well, dear readers, if this site was still going on, you best believe Joey Votto would take it by a landslide. Via Yahoo via ESPN:

"I don't like the Cubs," Votto said. "And I'm not going to pat anybody with a Cubs uniform on the back. But because he made that really cool play, it turned out to be a really cool experience. I'm really glad we got the win today."

Not only that, he refused to say anything to Byrd after this play that potentially won the game for the NL. This should just give us more reason to hate the Reds. Alas, all will be forgiven as the collapse around mid-August. We all know it's coming, but it's cute that they believe. Never forget, Dusty is their manager.

I spent $350 on this shirt, brah!

Joey Votto: Douchebag.

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All Star Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo: Your 2010 Cubs Mid-Season Report Card

Yeah, I'd be upset too

It's not as if we didn't expect it, but the 2010 edition of our Cubs has had a rough go of things. Sure, we didn't think that an older version of the disappointing 2009 team would set the world on fire. And sure, the Ricketts' "careful, deliberate," (bullshit) approach to this season ensured that the playoffs would be a fleeting dream. But damned if it isn't frustrating. Still, it's nice to be able to go see a game on a beautiful Friday for a tenner. And it is the Cubs. We'll continue to follow - we're just going to bitch about it the whole way through. Without further ado, here's how we're rating our 2010 Chicago Cubs.

Well, this stopped being fun awhile ago...

Pitchers

Carlos Zambrano

John: An ERA north of 5.5, a screaming freakout with/at Derrek Lee, and a phenomenally large contract have all made this the year I've stopped apologizing for the man. Grade - D

Steve: He can yell at whoever the hell he wants to if he is winning. See: Terrell Owens. Once you stop performing, you become a hindrance to the team and no one wants you around. See: Terrell Owens. Grade - F

Ryan Dempster

John: A very decent year (3.61 ERA, only 2 starts of less than 6 innings) undermined by a crap offense has left our goateed Canadian hero with a 7-7 record in 18 starts. His $40 million contract, called overpriced at the time, barely registers in the geography of massively undeserved contracts. Grade - B+

Steve: As John mentioned, solid numbers with no support, much like the rest of the starting rotation. Frankly, he has a fairly long leash in my book, because his Canadian charm woos me. Except when he was our closer. Then I wanted his balls in a mason jar. Grade - B

Ted Lilly

John: A very up and down year for the hammer - mixing masterful starts with absolute shit-beatings after his early injury troubles. A very misleading 3-8 record. It's looking like he may get the wave goodbye at the deadline. If so, it'll be a fond one. Grade - C+

Steve: TRL has gone the way of TRL. People used to want to watch, now I'm not sure it even exists anymore. Grade - ?

Randy Wells

John: Not terrible, just meh. Keeps his ERA in the 4.50-5.25 range, with only two really ugly outings. But damn, those were ugly. Contemplate calculating 5 earned runs in 0.0 innings long enough and things get trippy. Grade - C-

Steve: The low-point of the regular rotation (i.e. no Zambrano), I think we put too much on him after a small sample size. Still, better than any other option. Problem is, he has been lasting less than 6 innings on average for his starts, meaning more of the bullpen, meaning more we suck ass. Grade - C.

Carlos Silva

John: An unqualified success, despite his recent blowup against the Dodgers. Not only did it get rid of Milton Bradley, but we got some cash in the mix. I'd like to take this opportunity to say fuck you, Milton Bradley. Grade - A

Steve: Honestly, this move couldn't have gone better for us as I boldly predicted upon news of the trade. Foresight aside, he has a chance to be a 20 game winner, though he didn't exactly make me believe that would happen after Sunday's game. Oh well, that ump was wrong anyway, doucheface. Grade - B+

Tom Gorezelanny

John: He may look like a horrifying monster, but as the Goonies taught us, he's just a big softie with a love for Baby Ruth bars. He's been pushed into Sean Marshall's old role as the long-reliever and occasional starter. All things considered, he's done rather well (3.16 ERA, 0ER in his short relief appearances). Grade - B+

Steve: I honestly have no opinion on the man. He is like that nice guy in high school that everyone likes but no one really wants to hang out with. You don't really care what he's done because you find him rather boring. Average men receive average grades. Grade - C

The rest of your pitchers, and all your position players, graded after the jump. Holy shit, that's a lot of WAIW! It's like motherfuckin' Christmas!



Sean Marshall

John: Lefty here has appeared in an insane 45 games so far. If you watched a Cubs game this year, there's a 55 percent chance you saw Marshall at some point. His 2.03 ERA is best on the team. I just hope they don't fuck up by trying to make him into a starter yet again. Grade - A

Steve: The only decent bullpen man besides the closer. Problem is, we tend to use him for only one out because Lou has a binder that tells him to do so. Bullshit man. Keep Marshall in for the inning and we won't see the 2-1 game turn into an 11-1 blow-out. Grade - A

James Russell

John: Not a bad first year. After staying on the shelf for most of June, it's been a hell of a July for him (3 hits, 0R in 8 appearances). Grade - B

Steve: I see John has grown tired of this escapade and starting to write short reviews. Anything I will tell you about James Russell would be read from the stats sheet because he is just a number of the assdicks in our bullpen that have cost us many games. Grade - C

John Grabow

John: Last year we had a closer who couldn't close. This year, Hendry re-signed a setup man who can't set up. Grade - D

Steve: I want to like him because he is just a "-ski" from sounding quintessentially Polish-Chicago. Alas, he sucks. Grade - D-

Andrew Cashner

John: Some nights, Cashner and Castro are the only reasons to watch. Cashner is still developing - he gave up a run in 6 consecutive appearances, but shows promise each time out (15K in 18IP). Grade: B-

Steve: I am hoping he does well because I can think of millions of puns to entertain the masses with by using his name (see: Kerry Wood, Rich Harden). The jury is still out, but I am optimistic I will one day be able to headline with "Cold, Hard Cashner" and link to the "Counterfeit Money Machine" song from Mr. Show. Grade - B+

Bob Howry

John: Fuck you Hendry. Fuck you. Grade - F

Steve: See above. Grade - F

Jeff Samardzija

John: Can we finally, at long last, close the book on him? Dick's Sporting Goods appears to have done so already. Grade: F

Steve: I'll give him the Howry treatment. Grade - G-

Carlos Marmol

John: At long last, he's finally the closer we've expected. His K/9 rate is insane, and everything about his pitching game is improved over 2009. Too bad he doesn't get to close too many. Grade: A-

Steve: Best player in the bullpen, hands down. Finally starting to not give me a Steinbrenner. Grade - A

Infield

Our starting shortstop has never even heard of Fraggle Rock. Horrific.

Geovany Soto

John: A fairy nice bounceback year for the 2008 ROY, as he channels his rage at being denied Funyuns into not only some great hitting, but much improved plate discipline. Grade: B+

Steve: Not overweight this year = much better than last year. I say the same thing about myself when comparing me to my early 20s. Grade - B.

Derrek Lee

John: Eeeesh. Ugly year all around. It'll be too bad if this is our last impression of this Cubs great. Grade: D

Steve: I own his jersey, so in my mind, he is batting .315 and has 22 HRs. Grade - A++++

Ryan Theriot

John: The batting average isn't down a whole lot, but damned if the OBP hasn't dropped over 50 points. He's forgotten to how walk. That isn't helping anyone. Grade: C-

Steve: I don't understand why everyone is so down on him this year. I still enjoy him and he just got his 100th stolen base. What have you done this year? Grade - B

Starlin Castro

John: He was born in 1990. This depresses me, even as his play gives me hope. Grade: B

Steve: He will be what will are building the team around starting, say Late-July. So I will grade on my hopes. Grades - A

Aramis Ramirez

John: Double eeeesh. Grade: D-

Steve: Never been a fan so I call this my vindication season. Though I'd rather have him hit .280 so we can win some damn games. Grade - F

Outfielders

I smell sitcom!

Alfonso Soriano

John: It's a weird feeling, not blaming him for everything. Hell, no one's watching anymore. Why not let him lead off again? I'm kidding. Grade: B-

Steve: When you don't think of the assload of money we are paying him, he has had a solid year. And I do enjoy his antics with the bleacher crowd. Grade - B+

Marlon Byrd

John: I could do without the incessant Family Guy references every time I head to Wrigley, but this man truly is The Wyrd. At $5M per, he's a bargain. Grade: A-

Steve: Writing this after the All-Star game, I am now convinced he is our best player. Grade - A

Kosuke Fukudome

John: Good defense, .250ish batting average, .350 OBP. Move along, nothing to see here. Grade: C+

Steve: Average seasons are not what you pay $10+ million bucks a year for. Grade: C

Tyler Colvin

John: I cannot believe this man has 12 homers. I hope major league pitchers never figure out that he is physically incapable of talking a base on balls. Grade: B

Steve: Along with Castro, he will be the center of the team. Which will be good because we will be able to say "C-Men All Over Cardinals." Grade - B

Bench

Xavier Nady

John: I miss Daryle Ward. Grade - C-

Steve: He played first base on Sunday and I'm fairly certain he ended up costing us the game by his inability to make outs. Grade - D

Mike Fontenot

John: Back on the bench, where he belongs. And much better for it (.292 BA). Grade: C

Steve: Still better than he gets credit for. Grade - B

Jeff Baker

John: Weirdly enough, I've seen all 3 of his home runs this year. And even I'm not fooled like Hendry apparently was. Grade: C-

Steve: Always depresses me when I show up to a game and see Jeff Baker's name in the lineup. Grade - D

Koyie Hill

John: Every time he gets the start, I'm reminded of why I'll never truly understand Lou Piniella. Grade: D+

Steve: I don't know, but anyone who has this when you start typing their name into Google has got to be good in my book:

Grade: B

Chad Tracy

John: Remember Chad Tracy next year when you're fretting about who will be the last guy on the roster. Grade: D

Steve: I don't know what to say anymore, cause I'm not sure Chad Tracy Fingers. Grade - C.


So that's it. Stay tuned for more drinking, more swearing, more WAIW-ness in the second half of 2010. Don't worry, we'll help you through this.

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National League 3 - American League 1: FINALLY!

Marlon Byrd: fisting the competition.

Well, we only had one player on the roster (again), and once again no Cub got a hit (D.Lee had one in 2007, and a couple in 2005), but damned if I wasn't proud of our contribution to last night's cathartic dumping of the AL and their manager, Joe Girardi, who clearly had a stroke at some point during the game. But hey, his blood on the brain led to a great chance for Byrd to throw out the slowest player on the AL roster. And that was really, really fucking cool.

"Ortiz is going for second! I only have 18, 19 seconds at the maximum..."

As much as the game doesn't matter (bullshit WS implications aside) and as much as I hate fan voting and the Home Run Derby and Chris fucking Berman, the fact remains that the MLB All Star Game is the one contest of its kind that's legitimately fun to watch every year. I hate basketball, hockey and football are all-offense affairs played so as to hurt no-one, and the MLS all star tilt pitches the league's all stars against an actual, honest-to-god European team treating it like an exhibition - depressing. But the last few years, we've gotten some exciting games from baseball, and I'm thrilled that the lone Cub (and the lone Cub we like) was at the center of two of the game's most important plays. Coming back from 0-2 against South Sider Matt Thornton to load the bases on a walk was huge. Throwing out David Ortiz from the outfield not only appealed to my geek love for outfield putouts, but also killed the AL's rally momentum from the inning-opening hit. Now he's ensured his team of home field advantage in the World Ser....HAHAHAHAHHAA. Sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face. Still, fun night all around.

Update: Let's see how long before MLB pulls this one - some great Byrd highlights here, including that laser throw.

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WAIW Koozie Travels to Iraq

WAIW reader Mary - currently deployed in Iraq - recently posted the above image to our Facebook page. Both Steve and I agree: that is bad ass. WAIW is now part of our nation's security by proxy. We've crossed the rubicon, people. Whatever that means.

WAIW continues to salute the troops and their prudent use of Firefox.

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WAIW Salute: Harvey Pekar

Not necessarily baseball-related, and not one of the Golden Girls, but we feel we'd be remiss without a proper salute to Harvey Pekar, creator of American Splendor and sometime Indians fan, who died today at the age of 70. As the godfather of the "ordinary schlubs doing ordinary shit" genre of literature, he forged the ethos of blogs at a time when computers still used punch cards. As two guys who document and bemoan the ups and downs of our Cubs fandom and how it relates to our (exceptionally) ordinary lives, we feel that we've lost one of the greats. Here's to you, Harvey.

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Weekend Recap: This About Sums It Up ...

We know how you feel, buddy.

Over the weekend, we suffered through our last Cubs series before the All Star break, dropping three of four to the Dodgers. Corey from Ivy Envy attended some of the series, and is now in critical condition, stabbed with a screwdriver by an unidentified man in a Daddy Yankee t-shirt. Lucky bastard didn't have to hear this from Great White Hunter Tom Ricketts:

"I'm not going to assign blame to anyone or anything.. The fact is when we came into the season, we had what appeared to be a pretty strong lineup. It hasn't worked out for whatever reason. Seems like the guys are putting it together now. Let's just keep on winning."

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Everyone reading this - and yes, anonymous weirdo with two plushie forum tabs open next to ours, that means you too - knew going into the year that the 2010 Cubs were merely an older version of the lineup that disappointed so many during the often-frustrating sometimes infuriating 2009 campaign. Marlon Byrd was a fine signing for $5 million per, Soto was due for a bounceback, and there was a shortstop in the minors giving people the Patterson/Pie swoons, but that was it. Derrek Lee was still getting a year older, Soriano and Fukudome were still being paid so much they couldn't possibly live up to the contracts, and the middle infield and bullpen were still full of spare parts. I suppose you could argue addition by subtraction (translation: fuck you, Kevin Gregg), but there wasn't any significant addition to a roster that pissed away 2009.

"Oooh, it's that guy from TD Ameritrade. Can I have your autograph? You're my favorite brokerage house heir!"

Not assigning blame? Should be fun to have this guy running the team. I get that he shouldn't come in all reactionary, firing everyone at will and splashing ultimately useless money that fans have to eat the bill for (see also: pulling a Dan Snyder). But I also feel like he should figure out that the organization isn't making any progress with Crane Kenney at the helm, Jim Hendry continuing to build halves of teams, and Lou Piniella casting one eye at the door. We got a new hitting coach and still have no second baseman or everyday right fielder. Hooray for progress. Who could have figured that wouldn't turn out so good?

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Crimes Against Commerce: Commerce Redeems Itself

We have, in the past, documented the darker (and sometimes baffling) consumerist side of rooting for the Boys in Blue. But every so often, the marketplace redeems itself. Capitalism shines through the world of Cubs-endorsed fertilizer and whatever the hell this is. As the immortal economist Adam Smith one exclaimed, hooray for the motherfuckin' marketplace! After all, just look:



I know it's blurry, but it was taken with a lint-covered Blackberry camera while holding up the shirt to the sale sign. Anyway, the gist is this - Samardzija's $20 player shirt was marked down to $9.97 at the Dick's Sporting Goods near where I work. That, apparently, didn't work. So they threw it on the Rack of Unwanted Shirts, there to languish. And also to be marked down an additional 50 percent. So, should you be wondering, you can now pick up a Jeff Samardzija player shirt (in a wide variety of sizes) for the princely sum of $4.98. Gonna take a lot of shirts bought with a fiver to justify that $10M contract and more second chances than I care to remember.

And since I'm contractually obligated to mention this: Where are you, Samardzija-fan Mike? I assume buying a fuckton of Samardzija player shirts. That'd be better spent investing in Pogs. 2 Girls 1 Cup Pogs.

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What's Wrong With This Picture - Cubs Edition!

Game time!

There are four things missing from this picture. Can you identify all four?!

Scroll down for solution...no cheating!

1. Park bench. Also accepted, ducks to be fed by Old Man Theriot.

2. Ahh! Where'd that finger go!

3. Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat performing his Ice Blast "Finish Him" maneuver.

4. Pink Skip-It!

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Sweeping the Diamondbacks, Does it Matter?

"OOOOH, you are supposed to swing at the ball"

So we have swept the Diamondbacks. I watched the game. I was happy. Hell, yesterday I proclaimed that this could be the tide changing. But let's still remember the team they beat is now 21 games under .500 and has a pitching coach that looks like he should be on a NASCAR pit crew. Still...after 3 months of no sweeping, its nice to see the fucking floor again.

Ahh the classic through the legs angle...looks like someone is still bitter about not getting into Juilliard

So now we go to the Dodgers. A legitimate team in contention for the NL West and 8 games over the even mark. Let's hang our hats on the fact that they have no Manny and we have finally discovered how to score runs - 23 in the past 3 games (which equals our total runs of the prior 11 games). The real question is, will you stay up late to see how we do?

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Light at End of Tunnel?

Is that a light we see, or just the moments before suicide?

Well hot damn. The Cubs have gone and won two games in a row and are going for their first sweep since APRIL! For those of you that forgot, the season STARTS IN APRIL. The months May and June have come and gone, with barely a series win, let alone a sweet. Yet here we are. Facing an even worse team than us, followed by a Mannyless Dodgers to end the first half. Then we start the second half with a Phillies team that has no Utley, an Astro team that is worse than us before leading into a home series against the Cards. There is no reason we couldn't (I'm not saying we will) win 10 out of the next 12 games, which would put us at 2 games under .500. Stupid optimism for a team that hasn't shown us anything good all year? Yes. Yes it is. But hell, what else do we have?

Ramirez cowers like a step-child that just spilled his milk.

All the above nonsensical thoughts have to be based on some sort of logic, right? Well, no not really. I just threw up some wild guesses to keep my hope alive. But, if you insist, I will give you three signs that the Cubs could turn it around:

• Ramirez starts hitting. Perhaps last night was a sign that the slump is over? Hitting 2 home runs and raking in 4 RBIs is the Ramirez we all know and (you all) love. As many of you know, I've been about as big of an Aramis fan as NAMBLA is of parents. However, I still recognize that we have a much higher degree of success when he is hovering the .300 range. If, IF, last night was a turning point, there is no reason the rest of the bats follow suit and we go on a streak because...
  
  
• Our starting pitching is solid. Lilly, Dempster, Gorzelanny and Silva all have ERAs around the 3 mark. 3 lousy runs is all they give up, with a combined record of 15-25. You have to thing getting out of a hitting slump is a lot easier of a cure than having a shitty rotation. Anyone can hit - just ask the Irish - but few can go out for 6 to 7 innings and keep you in it. That being said, we need to pick up one more set-up man for the bullpen to get it to...
  
  
• Marmol. Yes, he is a heart attack in a uniform. But, when coming in as a closer, he is getting better every outing. 70 strike-outs in 40.2 innings pitched. He is striking out over half of the people he faces. That, combined with a sub-2 ERA, gives me reason to believe we can win close games when in his hands.
  

So there, some "logic" for my hope. It's better than nothing.

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Fliff Lee Is Cilthy

Oh Tribune and your crazy name-check editing. The sad part is, I probably spent a good minute trying to figure out what the pun meant.

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Priming the Next Generation

Little does he know he is in for a life of Cubs-related pain.

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WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable: The Resurrection

As it's getting harder to keep writing about Cubs loss after Cubs loss, Steve and I decided to resurrect the WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, last year's feature that brought together the viewpoints of the greatest bloggers in Cubdom. And honestly, it's about time. This team is god-awful. Worse, they're unlikable. Clearly, we need something to distract us from the on-field product. As such, I proposed that we resurrect the Cubs Blog Roundtable. When you hate the team, the only thing Cubs fans have to turn to is each other. Especially now that hockey season is over. I'll run these mid-week this year, as opposed to Fridays. This was the first query:

Over the weekend, it became clear that Derrek Lee is fed up with Zambrano's tried and true act. Who do you blame for the altercation, and what cartoonish punishment would you pass down? Also, say the entire team decided to go Thunderdome style, who are you placing your money on to walk away victorious?

Jen, Cub Bloging

I'm on Team Lee. Deadass-busting or not, fighting with Derrek Lee puts Z at a table for two with Chris Young. Hey, there's a punishment - too bad Z already had dinner reservations Friday night.

Also - two men enter, Fontenot leaves.

Cubbiejulie, A League of Her Own

I blame Mike Fontenot for his stupid sideburns and Derrek Lee for being unable to hit above .250. The Cubs are just lucky it was Carlos who blew a gasket and not Lilly. Had it been Lilly, he's the only one walking out of that dugout when it's over.

As for a punishment, I say we make the whole team watch the entire first season of 'Undercover Boss,' to remind them of all the service industry jobs waiting for them if they can't figure out how to hit a baseball again.

The Ted Lilly Fan Club

Most would probably say that Big Z is to blame and some might even point a finger at D Lee. But the Ted Lilly Fan Club? We blame Scientology. Yep--if Scientology didn't place a seed of doubt into mainstream media about the effectiveness (or lack thereof) of psychiatric drugs, we believe that Big Z, properly medicated, would never have gone bat sh*t crazy last Friday so, yes, L Ron, Tom Cruise and friends are to blame. As for punishment, not sure if it's "cartoonish" but we'd probably recommend quartering Big Z like in Ancient Rome and placing the four pieces of his body around Wrigley Field as a not-so-subtle reminder to Cubs players and Sigma Chi bleacher bums alike to behave accordingly...

As for Thunderdome, this is something that the TLFC has discussed and debated endlessly (see May 14 Post). Answer? Ted BAMF Lilly (aka Master Blaster). With Tina Turner singing in the background and TL's trusty hawk, Fury, watching from above, we forsee Ted (with a chainsaw at his side) emerging victorious w/ Sweet Lou's head on a spear.

And remember where you are - this is Thunderdome - death is listening, and will take the first man that screams.

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