Z Goes on Crazy List, Cubs Lose to Pirates Again, Local Blogger Eyes Bottle of Drain Cleaner Under the Counter

Is a picture worth a thousand words if all of them are derivatives of "fail"?

The Pittsburgh Pirates are rightly held up as one of the crappiest, most depressing franchises currently operating in the National League. They're a pretty sure bet to finish this season with a losing record, making for a record 18 consecutive losing campaigns. They have 23 wins. EIGHT of them have come against the Cubs this season, including last night's awful, awful game. And you know what makes it worse? For some unholy reason, I felt compelled to watch the entire thing, front to back. And I did. And now all light and goodness has forsaken me. We now own a .300 winning percentage in the last ten games, and I'm here to tell you all about it.

Why? Shut up, that's why.

Join me, won't you? After the jump




Z Goes on Restricted List (i.e. Club Crazyfuck)

WAIW Activity Corner: Print this photo, cut Z out, put it in a prominent place, and tell it to shut the fuck up. You'll feel better.

So after some weird predictions all Monday that Zambrano would be back by the end of the week, it turns out that Hendo is instead throwing our "ace" to the Restricted List - a list for people so crazy that only Milton Bradley has been on it. Which isn't to say that what's happening with Zambrano is nearly as bad as Milton Bradley crying racist wolf and slagging his teammates and Our Fair City last year. But man, he really has been an asshole for awhile now. It's not charming fiery passion for the game with even Derrek Lee tells you to shut your ass. But hey, I'm sure Hendry and his team of sock puppets can cure in a couple weeks what Zambrano's been acting like for years. After all, Hendry's never made a stupid-ass move in his life.

Ron Santo Honored, Then Dishonored, With Cubs Game

In tribute to his amazing career with the Cubs, Santo was allowed to leave before the game started. He reported sleeping better than he has in ages.

Ron Santo night against the Pirates would have benefited by letting the legless legend take a few swings. The Pirates, a team that had lost 17 IN A ROW on the road, came in a swept the Cubs aside with pitching that may have been solid, or may have looked that way because it was the Cubs swinging bats at it. Colvin, Byrd, Ramirez, Soriano - all nowhere to be found. Apparently Paul Maholm is just that good. And if you believe that, then you're probably answering questions at a Cubs press conference.

I'm heading to Florida starting Wednesday, so I feel compelled to fit as much Cubs baseball into my life as possible beforehand. You know, to make sure I don't miss it or anything.

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Weekend Recap: The Ballad of Shit and Fan

I can live to be 100, and this image will never switch to sepia-toned. Nor will there be a tasteful Ken Burns voiceover. Unless Burns' next project is "Baseball: Sport of Dicks."

And so, as we probably could have predicted - had a thick, stucco-like wall of apathy not prevented us - your Chicago White Sox are the inaugural winners of the Ruined Ecosystem Tarball Trophy and Country Bear Jamboree. But that's not really the story, is it? Even in your half-sleeping malaise, you are well aware of yet another Zambrano meltdown. This, to the minds of many, your humble editor included, was the worst one yet. Beloved veteran Derrek Lee and his lazy fielding versus Volcanic Venezuelan used-to-be-good Carlos Zambrano and his meatball pitch on the 0-2 count. When Zambrano gets mad at himself, he gets mad at others. Friday was the perfect demonstration of that. And if half the fan base hasn't yet uttered the phrase "fuck this team," then they were damn close to it on Friday.

Damn you for pitching that ball, Derrek Lee!

The team also dropped a 3-2 decision on Saturday before trying their hardest (well, Marmol's hardest) to lose a 5-run lead with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. Even with that meaningless win, the Cubs managed to go 2-4 against their crosstown rivals - and it was much more decisive a Sox win than it appears. You know how unlikable this team is right now? I currently have no animosity toward them for slapping us around during both series. All they did was build on some starting pitching, get offense, and generally not act like a bunch of spoiled, petulant assholes. I hate the Sox - and yet they disgust me only more than the Cubs at the moment.

No longer an All Star pitcher, Zambrano is still an All Star Sweaty Fat Guy.

Once we got Bob Fucking Howry back in the bullpen, there was only one way to make me dislike this year's squad any more than I do. So Jim Hendry, if you're listening, why not just pick up the phone, call LaTroy Hawkins, and set my boat of Cubs fandom on FUCKING FIRE!

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Now This is Just Sick.

Today's Trib, pre-Friday game. If you don't understand what's so fucked up about this, then I envy you.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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The Chicago Cubs: Like an Emo Song

The only offensive highlight of the series so far. Don't watch this series near a bridge or open fifth-floor window. The urge will be too great.

I love the Chicago Cubs - have since I was a little kid wearing my straight-billed Cubs hat (before this was the style, mind you) and a windbreaker two sizes too big to little league practice. I could walk the route to the park from the North, West, or South with my eyes closed and a head full of ether. I'll watch the Cubs play the Orioles AAA team in a field behind a high school if necessary.

All that being said, this team is making me hate the shit out of the Cubs for a couple hours most nights. No hitting, no excitement, no hope. Literally the only thing to do is watch the prospects and hope you don't see a call to the pen for Zombie Bob Howry and his girl-arm of death. So yes, I still love the Cubs, and plan to continue going to games (some might say 7 already demonstrates mental illness). But fuck do I hate what they're doing, and how they're run. The Ricketts have been awful (more on this soon), the management is so lackadaisical you wonder if they think they're managing another team. The players have nothing but room-temperature platitudes. I hate them. But I love them. Just like a shitty emo song.

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Cubs Media: A Kinder, Gentler Andre

Remember last week's Awesome Dawson Kersplosion? Probably not as much as you remember Dan Roan's hideous shirt. I bet that thing still keeps you screaming awake in the dark, black hours before dawn, cursing a universe that would unleash such a thing on a vulnerable world where truly, if God exists, he is cruel and indifferent ... um, but anyway, how about another Andre Dawson video? Given that we've showed you his terrifying side, we figured it'd be good to go back to the good old Andre we've all loved as kids.

Ah, that blank contract - one of my favorite moments in Cubs history. Just listen to this commercial and try to picture Andre's Hall of Fame plaque in a Montreal hat. It's so divorced from reality that I really don't even care he isn't going in as a Cub. He referred to the Expos as "lost time" - but hey, I'm not some pompous, dessicated sportswriter with raging hemorrhoids and a misplaced sense of fundamentalism about the game as a sacred place. Nope, the Hawk will always be a Cub to me first and foremost, and I reckon that's enough.

Oh, and drive Chevy, or something. I'm still a little lost on that part.

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W Flag

Sweeeeeet....
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Radical!

If you're going to wear your douchebaggy "performance apparrel," make sure you put it on right side out.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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Thanks for the Grace jersey, swap meet!

Look at the name. Then the number. I think a lazy-eyed seamstress did this.
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Derrek Lee: Destroyer of Worlds

Starlin Castro: Young. Talented. Nerd.

Now THIS, this was the game we've been waiting for since ... I dunno, late May 2009? Derrek Lee snapped out of it (at least for one game), Dempster was ample enough, and Marmol looked like Marmol (filthy) for another night. Sure, it came against Gio Gonzalez, but six runs in five innings is superb.

And he looks so happy about it!

At this point, it's a good thing the Cubs could turn on some pretty baseball. Not only are the Jekyll/Hyde Angels of the Greater Southern California Regional Area coming into town, but between the Cups (Stanley and World), D.Lee's powerful game served to say "hey! We're still here, dicks. Remember when you jackasses kept taking the train in from Wheaton and driving ticket prices northward of $80? Where are you now jagoffs?" (Note: possibly my thoughts). The only way it could have been better would have been if Aramis Ramirez had risen from the grave and cranked a triple down the right field line.

Castro and Colvin both had promising evenings - Castro walked twice, singled, and sac-flied, Colvin cranked a solid double in relief of Xavier Nady. "Perhaps," thought I, "this young man should get more at-bats." Then I saw this picture:

... or maybe not.

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Cubs Media: Andre The Bat-Hucker

Seeing as how yesterday was an off day, we decided to move Cubs Media Monday to today, and give you a little treat for your recap-less day. Actually, I'm fairly certain that CMM appears more on other days of the week than it actually does on Monday. Either way, today's entry is some really, really good shit. It comes from this game (I love you, Baseball Reference), and portrays the Hawk in a way both terrifying and hysterical. Observe - I hope the entire video brings you back to WGN in the early '90s. Thing's like a time capsule:

That. Was. Awesome. And so out of place - the media (at least WGN) treats it as "wild," and doesn't try to manufacture a firestorm of controversy out of it. As a result, it seems like Hawk is more willing to loosen up, talk about it, and seemingly laugh at himself. Contrast this with EVERY ZAMBRANO INCIDENT EVER. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to the days when an onfield incident wasn't always the most world-shattering sign of doom in Chicago? Never going to happen.

Your second-by-second analysis, after the jump



0:01 - Gotta love the old VHS uploads. I'll see you in my screaming night terrors tonight, Old Staring Man!

0:15 - Holy fuck, young(er) Dan Roan is wearing the worst shirt in the history of the world. It looks like someone melted a bunch of parrots over him. Hipsters would pay $60 for that shirt right now in Bucktown.

0:29 - Mount Saint Dawson? This is why you try to leave the topical references out. Lame, Roan. YOU GOT SERVED!

0:48 - An incident involving Joe West? Shocking.

1:09 - Hey, it's Jim Essian!

1:19 - Bat tossin'! That is awesome. He's just Hawk-ing all those bats onto the field (ed. note: Pun via Steve, I'm so sorry)! That motherfucker can really throw an armful of bats. I am extremely impressed.

1:30 - I never realized this, but the Hawk could be terrifying when he wanted to.

1:31 - I really enjoy the voluminous but distinct cheers for each group of bats slung out of the dugout.

1:44 - Never been to a beer-tossin' game either, and I imagine I might not ever be. It's like throwing six bucks on the field. But damn, that's some bad-ass indignation.

2:00 - Rob Dibble throws at Doug Dascenzo's legs because Dibble can't parry the sacrifice attempt. What a dick. Or he's playing by schoolyard rules. He should have just yelled "pitcher's hand OUT!"

2:18 - I remain stunned by Roan's shirt. STUNNED.

2:34 - AHHHHHH! Don't say that he had a smile on his face and then cut to a video of him showing murder-eyes to the beat guy from CBS.

2:43 - HAHAHA. The awesomest bat-hucker ever to live said that Joe West wasn't being very professional. I love ya, Hawk, but that's delicious irony.

3:02 - Still, it's nice to see a time when an athlete didn't have to close up because the media had a bunch of "Dawson out of control!" columns half-written. He's beginning to see how funny it all was.

3:23 - "The incident with the bats" - positively Laconic.

3:30 - Ooooh, anyone who's ever hit or wanted to hit someone knows exactly the smirk he's talking about.

4:24 - We've switched to the White Sox. Normally I wouldn't advise continuing to watch, but listen for the phrase "the mighty Blue Jays." HA!

4:34 - Joey Cora looks like a Make-A-Wish kid on the field.

4:52 - The scoreboard puzzles me. Who is this "California" team?

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Crosstown Letdown

Oh no you didn't

It has been several years now since this Crosstown Classic started. This is the first year I can ever remember there being such a general feeling of apathy towards the matchup. I suppose it’s to be expected when you combine Hawks-mania with inferior baseball talent. With both teams struggling to reach .500, the whole thing felt like watching two fat people in a kayak race: you know you aren’t going to be watching skill but rather your morbid curiosity to see who fails less keeps you moderately interested. And so it happened: Sox took 2 out of 3, with the third game going to the Cubs. You will all read headlines dubbing this a “pitcher’s duel”, but in reality it was two teams that produce less than a pair of pre-teens on the latest Maury. Well let’s cut the umbilical cord and see what happened.

In hindsight, the KFC Double Down breakfast was not a good idea

Game 1 was completely overshadowed by the Hawks parade. By the time I got home from that, the Cubs were already getting their asses handed to them a la pre-Jonathan Brandis Ladybugs. Game 2 was closer, but the Cubs posed no real threat until late in the game. Game 3 saw 7+ innings of no-hit baseball, which the Cubs won 1-0. While an enjoyable game to watch, all joy was taken from me every time Joe Morgan opened his mouth (that’s what she said?).

Silva also starred in 'Swan Lake' before making the big leagues

So where are we? Soon baseball will be the sole sport going on. We will not be able to distract ourselves with anything but face the harsh reality that we are on pace for a 72 win season with our lone all-star being Carlos Silva. Oh well. I’ve lived through worse Cubs seasons and I will live through this one. Who cares anyway, the Hawks won the Cup.

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It's Official: Carlos Silva, Only Good Thing

The last thing Marmol saw last night.

There's been kind of a pattern this year. You're able to really appreciate one rather specific aspect of the Cubs - to freeze one enjoyable moment in time and say the Hell with all the rest. Then, as if defying you to enjoy the team, you are kicked right in the ass all over again.

Such was the story last night, a miserable failure of a game after a day which had the local sports stations buzzing about Carlos Silva. Finally, we've gotten something out of that sack of crap Milton Bradley. Hell, should Silva never win another game for the remainder of the year, I'm still saying 8 wins and no Bradley salary eaten means we come out on top. But did the Cubs have to decide that Carlos Silva would be the only thing we'd be capable of enjoying all year? Well, apparently.

The 2010 Cubs: Just sort of lying there. I think they're still alive?

The day after Silva's gem in the rain delay game in Pittsburgh - which incidentally kept us from getting swept in Pitt for the first time since the 1800s - the offense crapped in the bed again and Carlos Marmol blew a fucking game against the fucking Brewers. I know we're bad this year. I know the Brewers aren't very good this year either. But I still hate losing to them. It's some kind of after-effect from their fans getting so obnoxious after finishing second in the division a couple of times. And Marmol just had to give it up after a heroic outing by our man Lilly.

Lilly, incidentally, now stands at 1-5 with a 3.28 ERA. So that's fun. At least today, we run out ... Zambrano? This could be interesting. Stay tuned, kids.

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Weekend Recap: Kicked in the Asstro (Again)

I don't think this is ending up on the 2011 calendar.

Another weekend, another 1-2 record. I'd say it's getting tiresome, but most people have stopped watching awhile ago. When we've got the offense, there's no pitching. When we've got the pitching, we're going up to the plate with Nerf bats held upside down. Also, we seemed to have pissed off some sort of vengeful gypsy between last year and this one. Let us examine the positive(s?) and negatives(!!!) of this weekend.

"Go Cubs Go"

Whereas the baseball didn't go too well over the weekend, the Duck-Duck-Goose was a roaring success.

1. Byrd remains the Wyrd, hitting .313. He may be the only pleasant surprise on a team full of the opposite.

2. Ramirez rocked a homer and went 3-4 in our only win of the series. It'd be nice if my favorite player could get north of .200 one of these days.

3. Zambrano's return wasn't the kersplosion it could have been. So that's something.

4. Andrew Cashner got some good work in over the weekend, and has yet to give up a run with 3 innings pitched. Jinx: Set.

5. Teams haven't seemed to have figured out that Tyler Colvin will never, ever take a walk. He's still rocking the respectable batting average and getting plenty of good pitches to hit.

I Couldn't Think of the Opposite Song, So We'll Go "Tears of a Clown"

"Do you know where I parked? Fish sticks are delicious!"

1. I had thought that Sweet Lou was just going a couple days without shaving. Perhaps rocking a reverse playoff beard, what with our non-playoffs trajectory. Now I seriously think that he may actually be a hobo.

2. That Ramirez homer that I mentioned? Raised his average to a whopping .171. It then fell the next day, after an 0-3 performance, back down to .169. And the fans looked on in apathy.

3. Randy Wells has lost 4 decisions in a row. I'm beginning to suspect that he indeed is beginning to suck.

"Awwww, but I don' WANNA play baseball!"

4. Just one hit over the weekend for the Savior of the Franchise (TM), Starlin Castro.

5. All those positive developing players I mentioned above? None of them are the ones making tens of millions. No, those guys are happy to wallow, thanksverymuch.

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Cubs 0 - Pirates 0: Rain Delay Saves the Day

Time was, I'd be expressly bummed about a Cubs rainout against the easy pickings from Pittsburgh. Except now, we're the easy pickings. And we decided to re-insert a guy in the rotation who gave us Samardzija-ian nightmares in the bullpen. A man who got promoted back to the rotation for the kind of performance John Grabow got DL-ed for. But hey, rain on, rain. We could use a break. So let's check out one of the Great Rain Delays of Yesteryear - Fat Elvis:

Today we find Carlos Silva matched up against a team as pathetic as we've become. Let's see how far down the bottom is, ladies and gents.

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(Not Really the) Cubs Media Monday on Tuesday: Ka-BOOOOM!

Weekend recap later this evening. But let's address the elephant in the room. GO HAWKS!

Countdown to my fiancee reminding me that this isn't a Hawks blog. 3, 2, 1 ...

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