Pujols Jersey and Cubs Fan Making Out

'Tis an abomination unto the bar....
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Cubs Media Monday (On Wednesday!): Optimus Drunk

Steve is off at the game right now - lucky son of a bitch. If you'd like to know the current state of Cubs bandwagondom, then be informed that Steve was able to score 400-level tickets (possibly the best seats in the park) for less than $10. Hell, he was considering buying two for the extra room last I spoke with him. RIP pink-hatted bandwagoners. We will not miss you.

As for the media, I'm straight up lifting this from Deadspin, who lifted it from NYMag. Fuck and yes, this is an amazing video.

Vaya con Dios, Optimus Prime. As of press time, the Cubs and Dodgers are tied at 0. I really hope we take this series. Go Cubs Go!

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Chicago Cubs: Your Newest Spammers!

The Chicago Cubs certainly are taking to many new forms of revenue streams, including selling my email address for Six Flags to spam me. Thanks Tom!

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956 Miles, 15 Hours, One Cubs Opening Day

WAIW Nashville correspondent Conrad Bradburn checking in - Meggie [the girlfriend] and I recently attended the Cubs’ 2010 home opener with John. It was quite the experience, as neither Meggie nor I had been to an MLB opening day. It was your typical baseball game for us: great weather, excessive amounts of drinking, and a Cubs win (in my six trips to Wrigley the Cubs have only lost once). The one odd thing about the day: we woke up in Nashville and went to bed in Nashville...

Back in February, Southwest had a sale for $39 flights to Chicago. Of course, by the time I went to purchase, the flights going there from Nashville were sold out. I managed to find another $39 deal on United, then bowed to the man and bought opening day tickets during the Cubs’ marked-up pre-sale. (Meggie would like to note that she thought this was unnecessary, but when I couldn’t find the same seats on the day single-game tickets went on sale, I was vindicated). So we were set: one day, two different Chicago airports, and one official Cubs home opener. Fortuitous.



Opening Day began as we woke at 4:00am and arrived at BNA around 5:00am. With no luggage to check AND no carry-on bags, we had a fairly easy entrance (except the completely inefficient security checkpoint set-up). We left at 6:00am bound for O’Hare with word that we would arrive early… always great, right? Well we arrived early, and they gave us the wonderful news that no gate was available – but it should only take five minutes for one to open. One hour (and multiple angry texts to John) later, we finally parked at a gate. We hauled ass to the blue line and arrived at the Irving Park stop, where John promptly picked us up. We headed to his place to pick up his brother and all had Old Styles in hand by 9:30am on a Monday (screw the suckers at work!). FYI- Meggie slept the entire hour we were stuck on the runway (and the entire flight).



Old Styles down, we took the L to Wrigleyville and encountered a small wait to get into Salt & Pepper Diner. Salt & Pepper has got to be my favorite Wrigleyville bar ($8 pitchers and $4 bloody mary’s AND breakfast food). I get antsy at the slightest wait, so John and Meggie had to keep me line, but that place is well worth the wait. We all crushed some food and downed 3 pitchers of beer, and then headed off to the field. I grabbed a free energy drink on the way and then this happened:

The opening day atmosphere in Wrigley was great and the weather even better; but then we sat down and encountered the dreaded obstructed view:



Aside from the slight pole obstruction, the game was great: multiple Old Styles, multiple Cubs home runs (even Jeff Baker homered… who the hell is that guy anyway), a Soriano strikeout chasing a slider in the dirt, and our personal favorite: a chance to sing, “Go Cubs Go” after the win!



After the game, we all met up again, had a couple more beers at Goose Island and then we get on the red line heading south Midway, our second airport of the day. Aside from some mild douchebaggery by some Jersey Shore imports, the ride was uneventful. Upon arriving at our gate, I heard that our flight was full so I tried to get bought off the flight … but no luck. Instead, we departed back to Nashville and were home and in bed by 10:45pm. All in all, the whole day was a great experience and one that most people are probably not irresponsible enough to try! Many thanks to John!

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Weekend Recap: Ranger Danger

All shall fear Flying Demon Bat.

10 Things, Briefly

I'm feeling lazy today. That means a Top 10. I could see making this a weekly thing.

1. Since last Monday (Cubs OD day, if you recall), the Cubs have been putting together a pretty solid run. Minisweep, split with the 09 pennant winners, and a series victory over a really talented offensive Ranger team. This will make me just happy enough to hurt like a bastard when we drop another series to the Astros.

2. I know I've hit this subject pretty hard, but Carlos Silva - what the fuck? Way to make me look stupid.

3. Soto's slump has his average down in the .260s, but his OBP is at .425. Meanwhile, Fukudome is at .303 and .400. Do I smell a Freaky Friday?

4. So I spent yesterday really confused that Koyie Hill and Soto were both batting. I curse thee interleague play! Also cursed: my own stupidity. This was the third game I'd caught over the weekend.

5. Did you know that you can totally just embed an entire episode of Intervention? Check it out, this guy is an alcoholic, but for peppermint schnapps. Like an alcoholic Christmas elf.

Five more, after the jump

I'd smirk too, if it were me.

6. Fucking Howry pitched yesterday. Just a walk - still got the hold - but that is only a dim warning. Like thunder before the storm comes - and then during the storm, someone kicks you right in the balls.

7. Starlin Castro better stop this shit. He's going to get us all hopeful and then pull an Alexei Ramirez next year. And don't say I didn't tell you so.

8. So Ramirez is hurt(ish), the offense frequently lacks punch, and people have started murmirings of Josh Vitters. These people have clearly not seen where he is getting on base at a .298 clip in Tennessee. Our Special Correspondent advises a trade. I am not going to disagree.

9. My second "what the fuck" goes to Soriano. I mean, what the hell, man? Between him and Silva - not to mention Ramirez sucking - I clearly know about as much about the Cubs as any jackass off the street. WAIW: Your source for poorly-informed Cubs analysis.

Something bad happened. Or good. Or he saw a squirrel. I got nothing.

10. Marmol's scary face is the same one we make when the first batter goes up 3-0. But damn if those strikeouts don't make the senses tingle.

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Phillies 5 - Cubs 4: The Second Howry Era Lurches to Stygian Life

That'll leave him Sore-iano. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHA

Friends and neighbors, dark days have befallen us. After a nice little sweep of the Rockies, there were unwholesome grumblings regarding the re-signing of a certain dessicated bag of crap who used to undeservedly wear the pinstripes of our beloved Cubs. It has clearly shaken the valiant North Siders, as even the rumor of such a thing was enough to dash our hopes at a series victory against the defending Pennant winners.

The Japanese do not have a word for Howry. It translates roughly to "octopus rape."

That Jimmy Rollins move - what the fuck was that? Walk his ass. Clearly you put the guy on base and take your chances with Ibanez. And what happens after that? Ibanez goes down on strikes like Todd Hundley in a batting cage. Do you know why Sweet Lou decided to go ahead and let Dempster do his best Kevin Foster impression? It's because Lou was sitting there on the bench, seething about how Douchey McShitarm is going to be announced to the team one of these days.

Entrance song? Oooooolllllld Maaaaaaaaannnn Riiiiiiiiiiiverrrrrrrr ....

New at WAIW, starting whenever they sign that mummified bastard to the team: The Bob Howry factor. We'll examine each game through the lens of how Howry fucked up the game, or how the team valiantly resisted his influence, a la Father Damien taking a header down the stairs in The Exorcist. Too much Bob Howry, and I'll be taking a header of my own. I can't believe I'm un-retiring his fucking tag.

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Howry...More Like Why?!?!ry

Pictured above: children that repeatedly touched the stove to see if it was hot

Reports out the Cubs re-signed Bob Howry. Still unconfirmed, but if this is Hendry's idea of fixing the bullpen, he is more delusional than your friend at the strip club that thinks she really likes him.

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Weekend Recap: Living the Dream

Your faithful WAIW editors (plus our Special Correspondent) enjoyed a weekend full of games at Wrigley over the previous four-day period. Well, enjoyed and "enjoyed," depending on how the game was going. Zambrano's kersplsion on Friday didn't do us any favors, and Saturday only briefly got exciting after Fukudome pulled a triple out of the jaws of defeat. Marlon Byrd and Ryan Theriot then gingerly placed it back into the jaws of defeat, thus bumming out the entire EOC crew, who was hating from the bleachers. Yet Sunday pulled a double whammy of a comeback win and a Blackhawks win from the bar, and last night's late-inning Aramis heroics are the reason I never leave a game early. Three men, four days, nine games in total.

Rather than recapping each game - tedious! - I'm going to go ahead and give you 10 observations from four Cubs games in four days - lazy!

Life Lessons: Four Games in Four Days

1. Losing the seventh game in a row to the Pirates will make a man drink, eat Chicago's Pizza, and repeat the process until they (a) finally see a win or (b) die in a gutter.



2. That bandwagon that drove up ticket prices in late '07 and 2008? Oh, it's definitely gone. I bought the above-pictured seat at 10:17 on Sunday morning before the game.

3. Calling Zambrano a setup man in erroneous ... we will now all him a giveaway man. Good lord he was awful.

4. Geovany Soto is very quietly having a great season. Last time I checked (Sunday), he was leading the NL in OBP. Say whaaaaat?



5. So apparently a Johnathan Toews Cubs jersey exists, at least for one man. Are we trying to jinx the Hawks?

Five more, after the jump!



6. Starlin Castro keeps hitting, and I continue to remain skeptical. I will do so until a day before he comes back to earth. That's how it works.



7. LARGE GUY IN EDMONDS JERSEY! So many questions ...

8. Were they booing or saying Gra-boo? (It was the second one)

9. The eggs at Salt and Pepper are really buttery and delicious, especially for diner eggs. Sub-point: No one I mentioned this to seemed to give a crap.

10. We are clearly good at enjoying the Cubs in a down year. People in the 400 level? Not so much. But the mid-game seat upgrade was nice.

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Cubs Media Monday: New Billboard at Wrigley

They told me when I bought the tickets that they were unobstructed views.

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Night Baseball Sucks

Update: Edited to make me sound less like a sailor.

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Thanks for not showing up 400 fans
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WAIW Special Correspondent in town
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A couple of winners at Salt and Pepper before the game: one in a pink Cubs hat and Garciaparra jersey, the other in a Cardinals windbreaker straight out of 1998. Hope they order the chicken tartare.

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Silva Gets Gold

Which one would you want?

In an early season where the greatest thing to cheer for is the 10 pound nachos served in a BP helmet, we can take solace in the fact that Carlos Silva has moved to 4-0, while Milton Bradley had to be shipping off to Bellevue for letting the Seattle weather get to him and accused Starbucks of being racist for assuming he liked his coffee black. So, in a move that clearly was a desperation attempt to get rid of Bradley, we have seemingly caught a rare lucky break. That being said, all luck is bound to run out, and we know the Cubs have a short supply.

Looking at the averages, for the most part, the team has been solid. The trouble isn’t getting the hits, but when we are getting them. Like the main character in King of Kong, it should only count when you perform when it matters. Of course, Ramirez continues to be worthless.

I am sooo good when no one is looking (not to be confused with so good lookin')

So here we sit, 5 games under .500, with 125ish to go. The good news the Cards have cooled down and no one in the Central seems to be playing great ball (the only team above .500 in the past 10 games are the Reds, and we all know what Dusty is capable of, so just give that a couple more months. Off day today. Hopefully they think about what the Pirates did to them last weekend and pull out (teehee) three in a row. Sadly, replace “Pirates” with any team in MLB and you can pretty much sum up my thoughts every 4 days.

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Cubs 4 - Marlins 3: Cubs Winning FTW

Aramis ... bad. Silva ... good? [Eats shotgun]

How about Fatty McPitcherson? He was supposed to be the shit sandwich we had to eat to get rid of Milton Bradley. Now Bradley is on some secret MLB list of fucking nutbags - a one-man list, might I add - and Silva has secured himself a spot in the rotation for the moment. He is 4-0. FOUR AND FUCKING OH. I didn't think he'd get four by the end of June. Or maybe ever. Face it - he sucked with Seattle, and was a gigantic disappointment. And yet still he outshines Milton Bradley. We may be bad, but I'm swimming in spite. And that'll do for now.

Zambrano pitching in relief - poorly - is a sign of the Lovecraftian Elder Gods coming back to Earth to sear the planet in their terrible vengeance.

Speaking of Z, the man himself had another bizarre bullpen outing, getting the hold while allowing a hit, walking a man, and getting a strikeout. It's like he's decided the bullpen performances have to be a microcosm of his bewildering starts. Marmol had to come in to save the 8th, which left no one to come in and save the 9th. The Marmot almost gave up the game, leading to the tying run on second with Hanley Ramirez at the plate. Luckily, he flipped the filthy switch and left Ramirez and his fancy necklace crying that they couldn't quite complete the sweep.

We are contractually obligated to run a photo of Starlin Castro with every game story. Every Cubs blog is.

Offensively? Well, we had four runs. The depressing part is that it seems impressive stacked up against recent results. Castro/Byrd/Lee was an excellent 2-3-4, each of them going 2-4. The bottom of the order was meh, and Soriano fell off a bit, going 1-3. A mere .333 average. What happened, Fonzie? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? (It's nice to be sarcastic about his play in a good way).

Marmol pronounces "Oh my, that's a relief" like "WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHH"

Today - no game. Suddenly, I feel empty. Following that, WAIW Special Correspondent Conrad Bradburn is in town for the Friday and Saturday tilts against the Pirates. Expect lots of drunken flip cam footage. Hopefully we can pull at least a win or two against the Pirates. I cannot believe I just had to say that.

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Marlins 3 - Cubs 2: Sweet Fancy Moses, We're Bad

Whawhawhaaaaaaaaaat?

I had a dream last night that the Cubs after an early defensive battle, the Cubs put an early two scores on the board, followed it up with a decisive third, and then kept up the pressure for a decisive 5-1 victory. And by dream, I mean hockey game. This is not a Blackhawks blog (or Bears, or anything else my lady reminds me when I start getting "grass is greener" thoughts of blogging), but I've included these Blackhawks pictures anyway, because the Trib has no Cubs game pictures for us to steal borrow. Also, check out this next one - is this not absolutely perfect for Cubs fans to sympathize?

We are not alone in our universe of suffering - but at least we don't put gravy on french fries.

Probably because they're too embarrassed to post them. Randy Wells was good again last night. Fuku went 3-2 at leadoff. Lee and Castro got a couple of hits. And that's about it for positivity. Seriously, how depressing was that offensive performance? 3-2 doesn't really effectively communicate the fact that they quickly went up 3-0 and we spent most of the game kicking ourselves in the junk.

You want junk kicking? Ricky Nolasco shut us down last night. Name sound familiar? Yeah, we traded him for Juan Pierre. That's now four in a row down the toilet - and 7 of the last 8, lest we forget the Pirates sweep. Gah.

Now allow me a brief moment to pretend I won't be listening to today's game.

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Marlins 4 - Cubs 2: Making a cASStro of Himself

A pose rarely seen outside of poorly-drawn comic books.

Well, that didn't take long, did it? After a day of the Cubs sending Steve and myself and heaven knows who else e-mails about how there were great seats available (never a good sign this early) for Starlin Castro's Wrigley debut, I'm guessing they may be regretting publicizing that fact. How was Castro's Wrigley debut? The exact opposite of his MLB debut - 3 errors (should have been four), no hits, and the loss of Wrigley's fickle crowd. Ouch - let's hope that he's gotten used to the Dominican Republic equivalent of drunk jackasses from Winnetka booing you.

Good ... something?

You know who didn't do terribly? Ted Lilly. He's still not bad to 100 percent (or 90 percent), he gave up one of those poorly-timed Ted Lilly homers, and that steal of home in the 7th was horrific, but there was progress. Hell, we should have won the damn game. It's just too bad that we've got to play offense to win, because that shit ain't happening. The only good performer last night was Alfonso Soriano

...

THE ONLY GOOD PERFORMER LAST NIGHT WAS ALFONSO SORIANO. BWA HA HA HA. TEE HEE. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sorry, no TV and no beer make John something something.

Tonight Randy Wells goes up against the Fish. What happened with him last time around? Oh, right. Well, shit.

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Cubs Media Monday: Theriot a Diva

Theriot. 2009. Gets a streak of homers. Leaves his friends.

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Weekend Recap: Castro-ated (Pay Attention to Nothing Else)

Every time I feel bad about making so many comparisons between Gorezelanny and Sloth, I see a picture like this.

Good lord, we aren't very accomplished at playing baseball this year. It's getting ... if not ugly, at least kind of sad. We're well on our way to losing a series to every team in the division, and it's not even mid-May yet. The only reason we haven't yet is that (a) Milwaukee has decided we're Kryptonite and (b) we haven't played the Cardinals yet. But the Pirates, Reds, and Astros haven't shown any problems with us. We suck. It's just kind of how it is. Eh, what are you gonna do?

For those who say "Starlin Castro is just a prospect, not Jesus Christ in a Cubs uniform," I present: PHOTO EVIDENCE.

But hey, how about the youngest shortstop in Cubs history? That was beautiful. Friday's debut was the thing of a poorly-plotted Disney movie, and he managed a hit each of the next two days. Not bad at all for a kid who can't drink yet and who isn't exactly known for being a patient hitter.

"Now kid, I don't want you watchin' none of them Freddy Kruger movies. Gives ya the nightmares."

Now is clearly a good time to focus obsessively on a single player - better that than the team as a whole. Certainly all the increased scrutiny didn't hurt Rich Hill, Felix Pie, or Corey Pa ... okay, I'm going to stop. I'm making myself sad.

Holy crap, that is a young kid. Don't break him, Cubs fans.

Ah, you know what? Hell with it. I'm still down for this season. A summer with a crappy Cubs team is still the perfect comment to the best season in the greatest city in the world. I've got a pair of tickets to Friday's and Saturday's game - against the Pirates - and for once, the outcome seems quite a suspenseful prospect. Weird, yes. But I'm not going to say bad. I'll save that for screaming on Friday and Saturday.

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Pirates 3 - Cubs 2: Jarmillo Wept

Aw, maaaan. We lost to Douchey McPukkashell?

Well, that was just awful. Aside from Robot Soriano and Soto's solo home runs, last evening's offensive performance was what is technically referred to as a crap sandwich. It got to the point where you'd assume the Cubs could get a base hit with men in scoring position just because of the law of averages. But no, the godforsaken game saw the Cubs go 0-7 with potential runs in place. That is awful.

All Japanese fear the fist of Derrek Lee.

It's a shame to waste yet another good start by Ryan Dempster. It wasn't legendary stuff, but it was a quality deep start on the road. And we fucked it up baaaad. Is there anything more depressing than all the offense coming from solo home runs? I don't remember winning a whole lot of games that way.

Offense. Almost all of it.

One last depressing fact? Ryan Dempster had two hits last night - more than Nady, Baker, Soriano, and (ugh) A-Ram. Good thing we switched hitting coaches.

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Extended Absence Recap: Baseball Happened!

As an avid consumer of blogs, I dislike nothing quite like the whole "sorry for not posting, mundane things were happening" post. Regardless, here's mine: Moving, wedding, work, blah blah blah. You really don't give a shit, which is how it should be. Suffice to say, WAIW is back to kick you in the spine. Best recognize.

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