The Ted Lilly Live Blog: TLLB on WAIW - So Long, Ted

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Ted Lilly Live Blog: TLLB on WAIW - So Long, Ted

. Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Greetings, readers of WAIW and other Theodore Roosevelt Lilly enthusiasts. Given that tonight's start may very well be the last that Mr. Lilly has in blue pinstripes, we thought it proper to commemorate it with our first ever game live blog. Sure, we've done it while hosting a nine-inning drinking marathon before, but this is a whole different realm of self-indulgent stream of consciousness.

Joining me will be my Futurewife, Emily. And Steve, should he decide to Blackberry Messenger me something. Shit yes, folks, it's going down. Your Tuesday night from 7-10ish will ever be the same.


- I've got some tall boys, my well-worn Cubs hat, and a bowl of home-made mofongo for dinner. I've officially begun calling my coffee table "The Command Center."

- No Geo Soto. So we get to watch Koyie Hill bat. Bad start to the evening.

Top of the First

- I cannot get over the fact that Brett Myers is a scumbag, no matter how well he does for a small market team. That applies to anywhere. But hey, Len, yeah, good free agent signing.

- Damn, Colvin. That was fast.

- A few lonely Astros fans watching through the greenhouse glass from the top of a nearby building. Adorable.

- An almost hit by D.Lee. That's a promising ... yeah, I'm not going to pretend that was a great inning.
- Ah, Moreland is on the radio tonight. Makes me wish I was catching that.

Bottom of the First

- Sweet lord. Even Humberto Quintero hits better than Koyie Hill. The lineup card tells me so.

- First pitch - strike. Second pitch - ground out. Ted will thus have a 54 pitch complete game.

- Bob Brenly tells us that pitchers aren't really able to control their run support. I'm glad there are analysts here to hold our hands through the complicated parts of the games.

- Emily has decided to finish her episode of Lie to Me on the computer. The 2010 Cubs: Less compelling than Tim Roth.

- Good first inning for Ted. The 54 pitch prediction may be premature, however.

- Steve keeps texting me what fraction of a perfect game Ted has pitched. Jinxy motherfucker. YOUR DENOMINATORS WILL RUIN US ALL.

Top of the Second

- Talking about the resurgences of Aramis and Derrek are more jinxy than Steve's perfect game math.

- Ha. Len talking about the "individual accomplishments of those on the team." You know, because the team can't do dick.

- They're still talking about Byrd's defensive prowess while Soriano is hacking away. It'd be great if Sori stepped out of the box and yelled "I CAN HEAR YOU."

Bottom of the Second

- Humboldt Park Children's Baseball: thinning the herd by making kids go outside in Chicago's stabbiest neighborhood.

- I hate Carlos Lee. And Steve's fractions.

- Me: WHERE ARE YOUR FRACTIONS NOW?!?!? Steve: Cannot determine common denominator.

- That Cards series was our first division series win in three months? Shit.

- Carlos Lee made Keppinger strike out by distractingly walking. What is this, Monday night league bowling?

- Jeff Bagwell looks like Danny Bonaduce during a heroin binge.

- Steve: "5/27th through a shutout." I'll take his word for it.

- Len tells me that Quintero wears his back right pocket out. I think it's a gang thing. Or a tard thing.

- Nice strikeout, gangtard.

Top of the Third

- Homerun highlight turns into today's flyout. STOP IT LEN AND BOB.


- Ted Lilly, at 0-2, already has a more productive at-bat than Koyie Hill.

- Jesus these Cubs innings are getting shorter and shorter. That wife-puncher sure can pitch.

Bottom of the Third

- It comes to light that Steve and I may have been at Lilly's last home start, in which he received no run support and we lost the game in extras. A true Cub experience for Lilly.

- I mention to Emily that if we have a girl, we could name it Lilly. She laughs. I'll bring it up again when she's whacked out on an epidural.

- Double play for Ted. Fuck and yes. And with Michael Bourn running, to boot.

- Ted strikes out Sanchez. Dirty.

Top of the Fourth

- Fuck. I try to fix my shitty IKEA cabinet quickly and I miss Colvin's hit. Life is difficult. I CURSE YOU, GODMORGON!

- Castro looks so young. I bet when I'm 40 years old, the players will be fetuses.

- Man at third with one out, thanks to Castro. The Cubs are good at not making use of this.

- Ah, fuck. Someone named Sanchez took our run. And our jerrrrbs!

- Brett Myers looks like a roadie for Disturbed.

- Cubs don't score. Told you.

Bottom of the Fourth

- I hate it when someone calls it a "no-no." Just call it a vagina.

- Er, I mean a "no hitter."

- Theriot makes the catch. Does one really need sweatbands in an air-conditioned park?

- I still hate Carlos Lee.

- Ooooh, Lilly almost just gave up one of his patented Poorly Timed Home Runs (TM).

- Cubs games have conditioned me to look for a douche in a pink hat behind the plate, even whilst on the road.

- Grown man with a glove catches a foul ball. We should not encourage such behavior.

- Keppinger strikes out, continues to look like a bearded version of Angel from the X-Men movies.

- How the FUCK does Carlos Lee steal second while getting picked off. The fuck is up with that throw and/or tag?

- HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Len and Bob object to the shaving cream pie. Because it's not real pie.

- Continuing the pie discussion, Len doesn't realize the Three Stooges are long dead.

- Stranding a man in scoring position doesn't feel very good, does it? The parade of offensive mediocrity continues.

Top of the Fifth

- Switched from Old Style to High Life. I'm like a man who boldly moves from North Dakota all the way to South Dakota.

- Brett Myers walks, just like he did on the wife-punching charges.

- Entourage will be on WGN this fall. Remember what I said before about the parade of mediocrity? It's year-round now.

- Holy ass, Soriano is taking some awful swings.

- I think the smattering of fans just tried to do the wave.

- Soriano strikes out. No 3-0 count is safe!

- Len describes a line drive taken to the "inter-pelvic area." Yeesh.

- Brett Myers jumps for the bouncer, just like he did for Fred Durst at Lollapalooza in 1997.

- Lie to Me has ended. The Cubs now lose to laundry. I hope the Ricketts are paying attention. My future wife is choosing chores over their team.

- ... and of course, as I type that, another shitty inning ends.

Bottom of the Fifth

- Just seeing the ads for Lone Star College. Go Whitefish!

- And Ted lets another man on base. Never a dull moment. Unless we're hitting.

- Me to Futurewife: "You're hardly in this blog at all." Her: *shrug*

- Her: "You didn't put 'Honey'." NO ONE MUST KNOW OF MY DOMESTIC TENDERNESS.

- Shit. First and third with no outs. This looks like it'll be the inning we fail to recover from.

- Myers swinging away, eh? Must figure his wife is around the plate area.

- Woman behind the plate protects her face from a foul, forgetting the net. Don't worry, lady. You're from Houston. You can get smashed in the face with a screamer and still rate a 8 on the Houston Municipal Hotness Scale.

- Myers pops out. [Error 44681: Spousal Abuse Humor Fail]

- Emily says my previous mention of naming a kid after Ted Lilly implies she is pregnant. She's not. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU LADY - IT'S ABOUT TED.

- ... as I ready my couch bed for the evening.

- Bourn strikes out on a sick curve. Filthy. With that amazing couple of at-bats, I forsee a letdown. But I'm a Cubs fan. I always foresee a letdown.

- Steve: "Koyie Hill has a better chance of modeling for Rolodex than getting a hit." BURN! Or rather, BANSAW TO THE FINGERS!

- Steve's Fun Fact: "Cubs are farther back in the Wild Card than the division." Well, shit. I was looking forward to buying a 2010 Wild Card Champions shirt.


- Back to the IKEA cabinet. I love their food, and want to smash their furniture with a hammer.

Top of the Sixth

- I give up on the Cabinet. Emily is now the man of the house.

- Ted Lilly is a manly man - except in the batter's box. Then it looks like he's me at fantasy camp going against Fergie Jenkins.

- Fuck we suck. Nothing to even write about in that half inning. Let's see how many long Ted can keep men on base from scoring.

- Both bullpens getting warm. That can mean only one thing - SHITTY BULLPEN DUEL!


- Lilly finally manages to sit down Carlos Lee. It comes through Koyie Hill, which gives me mixed emotions. Like farting at a clown funeral.

- Emily has managed to install brackets in the Shitty IKEA Cabinet with her small, elf-like hands. I am humbled.

- Uh oh. TedTrain issues his first walk. Larry Rothschild - everyone's favorite shaggy uncle - is on the phone to the pen.

- As far as half-assed pickoff throws go, Ted is the greatest.

- Back to back walks. This is almost as bad as that time I told an IKEA cabinet to fuck off ten minutes ago.

- See ya, Ted. It's been real. May our bullpen fuck this up in the most honorable way possible.

Exeunt Ted

- We figure we'll stick around for the rest of this shitshow, because why the hell not?

- Cashner's in. If he blows up tonight, let the Samardzija comparisons reign supreme.

- Steve: "Did you hear that inane talk from Len about taking out TRL? 'Lilly was a little ill over the weekend, so maybe that was why he was taken out. Of course, he did throw 113 pitches, so that might be the reason.'" Hot sweet damn, that's brilliant!

- Cashner ends the inning. No earned runs for Uncle Teddy.

- Steve: "Desperate for things to talk about because silence makes the suicide contemplation thought louder."

Top of the Seventh

- Oh, Derrek.

- Is it wrong I'm wanting to watch that Blackhawks playoff game on the DVR?

- Len: "How about a home run." Me: "How about magical ponies, you fuck?"

- Former Phillies teammates Myers and Byrd opposing. See if you can tell which one hits his wife.

- Byrd runs out a chopper.


- And another Cubs inning over. I'm glad I've chosen to live blog this 0-0 game.

- Emily wonders what the Ted Lilly Fan Club is saying right now. I wish they were like blogging. That would abdicate my responsibility. She wishes so too, because they are more entertaining than me swearing a blood oath to destroy a Shitty IKEA Cabinet.

Bottom of the Seventh

- Lance Berkman's fan club - the Little Pumas, apparently - look like a bunch of plushie freaks.

- Looks like Myers is out, too. I'd rejoice, but I think it's more our offense.

- Quintero gets hit on an 0-2 fastball. Thanks a fucking lot, Cashner. Now we get Brett Myers to the plate.

- The Astros send some asshole from the French gentry to pinch run.

- It takes a talented pitcher to get to 3-2 on a pitcher who is bunting.

- And bunted to third. Good - enjoy your stupid fucking mistake, Cashner. The way things are going with our bats, you have likely lost us the game. Dick.

- And now we intentionally walk the fastest guy on the team. Can't see that going wrong at all.

- Astros score on a squeeze. Fuck yourself, Cashner. Fuck yourself, rest of the team.

- And another run. Looks like I'll only be covering 9 tonight, kids. At least it was Fancy Boy, who Steve and I both like.

- I just noticed Cashner wears a necklace. Man, I hate that shit. Even when Harden and his pukka shells were on the mound.

- Len points out that the Astros only have 1 hit and 2 runs this inning. Sounds about right.

- Cashner issues a walk. The bullpen finally stirs. Hockey on DVR beckons.

- Jesus, Samardzija Jr. hit a batter on the first pitch after getting the bullpen going. What a shit.

- Steve: "Cashner reminds me of Penny Hardaway in 'Blue Chips'." He's betting on the game right?"

- And right on cue, a grand slam.

- Emily: "Can we be done?" Yes we can, honey. Yes we can.

- Goodbye, Ted. I hope your next team causes less physical illness than your current one. You were always an enjoyable guy. I doubt I will one day say this of Andrew Cashner. Good luck in New York, Minnesota, or ... um, New York.


Ginger Russ said...

How long till gets the radio working? I'm guessing the 3rd inning.

John said...

You can catch the highlights on Sportscenter later. Don't look at the bottom of the screen though. They'll ruin that for you six times before the first commercial break.

Jake said...

But I never bought my TED shirt!

Ginger Russ said...

Still attempting to "LOAD AUDIO". Looks like this is the only way I can follow the game. Faggot!

Surplus Ben said...

Or you could, you know, watch it. On a television. Like the rest of America.

Ginger Russ said...

You're going to name your kid after Ben's kid? I suggest this comment's capcha (sp?): breenzht.

Ginger Russ said...

Re: Surplus Ben, work frowns on busting out my portable tv.

John said...

Lilly Breenzht it is.

Ginger Russ said...

At home watching on tv whilst drinking a high life. Thinking about getting a Sonic coney for dinner and I'm not even drunk yet

Surplus Ben said...

If work frowned on goatees would you let that stop you?

John said...

A coney is excellent beer food. Cubs baseball, however, is not good for digestion.

John said...

I hope you went for that coney during the 7th, Russ.

Ginger Russ said...

Went for the footlong coney and heard the grand slam on the radio. A belly full of hot dog, chili and cheese eases the pain. Wonder what's happening in the game as I'm now watching Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. At least Guy shows me good food while pissing me off.

Ginger Russ said...

Re Ben: Never talk ill about ralph. I will cut you.

KD said...

John (and Steve)...this post was fantastic. Thanks for making me laugh at a really shitty game. :)