So Lou-ng: Handicapping the Managerial Candidates

Friday, July 23, 2010

So Lou-ng: Handicapping the Managerial Candidates

. Friday, July 23, 2010

Aw, see ya buddy. Also, what the hell were you thinking on Wednesday? We'll miss you.

As you've no doubt heard by now (I mean, we haven't posted since friggin' Monday), our very own Lou Piniella has confirmed that he's retiring after the Cubs finish limping through 2010. Sweet Lou's tenure might have ended with a terrible 2010 after a disappointing 2009, but we've always been in support of the man. Well, not on Wednesday. He managed that shit right into the ground. Anyway, with a hiring decision on the horizon, WAIW has decided to take an in-depth look at the best candidates for the job. Observe, and marvel at our insight.

Ryne Sandberg

Could still probably hit better than Koyie Hill over a full season.

Pro: An absolute legend in the Cubs organization, beloved as one of the greatest second basemen in the history of the game.

Con: Notice how none of the pros were about his managerial skills. Fan love has made people forget that he's really only been managing since 2007. Also turned down a role in "Homer at the Bat," which still gets me years later.

Fredi Gonzalez

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to exit quietly. And you're now banned from this particular Hooters location."

Pro: The winningest manager in Marlins history. The Sporting News named him Manager of the Year in 2008. Also from Cuba, which I dig.

Con: Being the winningest manager in Marlins history is like being the sexist person at Arby's.

Joe Torre

Good thing I was able to remove the watermark. That would have been embarrassing.

Pro: A bona-fide legend in the game - managed the Yankees to six pennants and four World Series. We'd rather not discuss his work with the Dodgers. Especially not in 2008.

Con: What could go wrong with hiring an aging ex-Yankee to manage the team? Oh, right.

We run down the rest of the candidates, after the jump.

Joe Girardi

The past, OR THE FUTURE?!?!?!? No, it's the past. OR IS IT?!?!? Yes.

Pro: A sharp managerial mind, who also happens to be young and an ex-Cub. Won a World Series in pretty short order, which is a credit to anyone - even a guy playing with the Steinbrenner toybox.

Con: I get the concept of pressure from the NY media, but why on earth would you leave the Yankees to decide between John Grabow and Bob Howry in the 7th inning? Fuck, I just made myself sad with that hypothetical.

Bob Brenly


Pros: MUSTACHE! (Also, some business about a couple of 90 win teams and a World Series.)

Cons: I love Bob in the booth, and would hate to lose him. There's also the matter of him being the most lukewarm managerial commodity in most recent offseasons. We don't have to settle for the guys no one else wants anymore - except for in the bullpen, infield, and as the team president.

Ned Yost

Pro: We'd get to use the term "Yost infection" again.

Con: Just kidding. We'd never be desperate enough to hire Ned Yost.

Coach Eric Taylor

He also gets tomorrow's newspaper, which would help.

Pro: Dispenses hard-nosed yet caring advice to troubled youth, all while struggling to give enough time to his loving family. THIS WILL WARM YOUR HEART.

Con: Football coach. Also fictional.

Galactus, Eater of Worlds

Galactus. Shit yes.

Pro: Massive, imposing size could distract and intimidate opponents. Has survived clashes with Earth's mightiest beings. Created the Silver Surfer, who was pretty bitchin' in his own right.

Con: He, uh, eats worlds. That could come back to bite us.

PREDICTION: The Cubs, unable to lure Torre or Girardi, ultimately go with Fredi. Hendo, giving him the same bullshit to work with, can't figure out why the team isn't very good. Rinse. Repeat.


Jake said...

The Cubs are merely giving Galactus an interview out of fear and respect.