Crimes Against Commerce: 2010 Cubs Bobbleheads

Friday, April 23, 2010

Crimes Against Commerce: 2010 Cubs Bobbleheads

. Friday, April 23, 2010

As many of you loyal readers may know, I am a big, big fan of bobbleheads. But it's not a weirdo hoarding thing - it's only really Cubs bobbleheads (with the odd Hawks or Fire promotion thrown in), and it's only from games that I've been to. I don't buy them after the fact, I don't leave games after getting them, and I don't leave them in the packaging. I'd say that I use them to break the monotony of work, but my boss reads this site. So I'll say that I use them to drag me down from the heights of bliss that my work brings me. No sir, baseball cannot compare to my 9-5 (or 7-3:30, as it were) and all that.

... because this what happens.

But this year, I'm conflicted. I don't want to grow my collection to Hoarders-level size. But then again, I might really enjoy an Aramis one, or a D-Lee, or even, heaven help me, a Soto. Turns out, the Cubs front office has dictated by actions. And holy goat-fucking hell ... well, you know what, you'll just have to see.

"He can't really be serious, right? Those are photoshopped?" after the jump

The Cubs delayed the announcement of bobblehead promotions unusually long this year. This gave me high hopes. High, stupid-ass hopes. Let's put it this way - when Jim Hendry takes an extra-long time to sign a reliever, an outfielder, or anyone who isn't a backup utility infielder, does that ever turn out for the best? Fuck no it doesn't. Without further ado, let's see what the Hendries of the marketing department shat out.

Carlos Zambrano 2010 Bobblehead

Hot sweet Moses, that's awful. Given that Venezuela is far and away a baseball state (and not at all good at soccer), and the inherent white guilt present in all middle-class white guys, I find myself wondering if this is somehow racist.

No, no it's not. It just sucks. Hard.

Ryan Theriot 2010 Bobblehead

Here we get to the money shot of awfulness. A bobblehead so bad that its mouth-breathing trucker shot a snuff film with the cigarette-burned teenage runaway of my Cubs fandom. This is awful, and it reveals itself to be so in stages. You start at the hat, wondering why the hell the Cubs are giving away General Custer bobbleheads. Then you go down to the face. Now, I don't spend an inordinate amount of time looking at Ryan Theriot, but that shit does not at all resemble our shortstop. Even Theriot, who I don't like, deserves better than this. Keep going, past the New Orleans Saints jersey/vest and the Eddie Bauer pants, and you get to the Gorton Fisherman's yellow rowboat. Well whoop-de-fucking-doo. I may have to attend this game, if only to take one of these abominations out of existence.

That, by the way, is the entire run. We usually get at least four quality bobblehead nights - this year, two awful ones. Or maybe I missed Marlon Byrd riding the Eagle at Six Flags, Tom Gorezelanny reading to special needs children, and Ryan Dempster mooning a Tim Horton's in the offseason. Actually, that last one sounds kind of sweet.

Last year was Billy Williams, Fergie Jenkins, Ernie Banks, and Ryno. Last year was awesome, and I have all of them. The year before that I got my Fukudome one, which sort of looks like the crying Indian from the litter PSAs, as a commenter pointed out. The year before that was D.Lee. This year? Well this year we get General Custer in a yellow row boat. Go team!


Richard said...

Your boss really hopes you get the Theriot bobblehead. He finds it oddly hilarious.

Froggy said...

Soto would be holding a puerto rican flag and hand weights (note the head and wrist bands to soak up any sweat)