A Useful Barometer

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Useful Barometer

. Tuesday, March 23, 2010

CSI: Lincoln Square. YEAHHHHHHHHH!

I've blogged about my faithful Cubs hat before. It probably amused some, although all I ever get from Steve is the same shake of the head that I got when I told my grandpa that I'd be majoring in English lit. Anyway, I promise that this hat-related entry isn't some Livejournal-ish reflection on how a smelly hat equals a security blanket. Rather, I've been able to re-purpose the beloved item into a veritable Douche Barometer. Behold!

Tests quickly and accurately for Soul Herpes

Okay, if you look carefully, you're going to see a tiny rip, around the middle of the bill. I point this out, because it's a treasure trove of fact. Bear with me. You see, I purchased this hat in March of 2007, in anticipation of the new Cubs season. "Holy shit, we signed Alfonso Soriano," I thought. "We made a splash in the free agent market, and that contract will never, ever come back to bite us in the ass." (Note: I did not ever think this, and I don't want you believing so. Even in jest.) So I purchased my cap at Wrigleyville Sports or Sports World, or one of the hundred hat stores along the Addison and Clark epicenter. I don't quite recall, because I was drinking at the time. This is also a suitable defense in court. Anyhow, we are left to draw these conclusions.

Detail: Yes, I was eating crackers near the computer. I am a filthy beast, unfit for the comforts of this world.

- 3 years of normal wear = tiny tear on hat
- 3 years of normal wear also = ridiculously faded and dirty hat

So, the next time a douchey acquaintance, when you call him out on his lame-ass pre-ripped hat, stutters something like "no, brah, it just kinda got this way. I swear!" you will know he is lying. If you're going the Alyssa Milano pre-worn sports memorabilia route, then at least own that shit. Lying about it isn't going to make you any better a sports fan. And thou shalt be smoten.