Cubs Media <s>Mon</s>day: The Reason For the 2008 NLDS

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Cubs Media Monday: The Reason For the 2008 NLDS

. Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Take a second a slip back into the warm hot tub of victory that was the 2008 season - the regular season, anyway. Dempster was having a career year, a pre-Hostess Fruit Pie (TM) Getovany Soto was ripping opposing pitchers, and Carlos Marmol was still Carlos Marmol (filthy). Suddenly, it all grinds to a halt. Six-toothed morons from the South Side and meth-scarred hillbillies from Mizzou rejoiced. What cataclysm changed our fortunes so quickly, and in such a merciless fashion? Actually, I just found out what. Take a gander, kids:

Ho. Lee. Shit. That was bad.

Full Analysis After the Jump

0:10 - Oooooh, this is going to be bad. The only question - so bad it's good, or so bad it makes you want to throw a baby down a well?

0:30 - "It's been 99 years but we're finally back." So apparently no one at B96 believes in a jinx. This affirms my belief that B96 employees and listeners are all suburbanites who pretend they're from the city.

0:36 - "The stands are packed," interspersed with pictures of mostly empty stands before a game. You know, because you couldn't really find a picture of packed stands in 2008.

0:42 - Another clue that B96 is aimed at Winnetkans and Northbrookians. No one from here calls it Chi-Town. That's what you call it when you're coming here on an 8th grade class trip.

0:46 - Rhyming "boys" with "make some noise." Sounds like someone owes a royalty check to Vanilla Ice.

0:58 - Well-played. Finally.

1:03 - If you have to ask "ain't it funky now?" then it emphatically is not.

1:15 - Oh sweet Moses - they're rhyming "D.Lee" with "Big Z." If they do "Koyie Hill" and "Mad skill," I'm burning down the studio.

1:25 - Ah, for the days when people defended Soriano in the leadoff spot.

1:26 - Ummm.... I hate to tell you, but that's not Aramis.

1:48 - "It's just like '84, '88, '98, '03, '07." Yes, that did end up being the problem, you fucktards.

1:54 - Aw, Bartman.

2:02 - Whoaaaa ... Jacque Jones? I was not expecting that. IT'S THE SHYAMALAN TWIST!!!

2:16 - Next person to say "It's gonna happen" gets dick-punched. I mean it.

2:21 - That ... that seems like bad luck. Really, really bad luck.

2:46 - Oh, you are so getting haunted by Harry Caray.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason the 2008 Cubs derailed. Can you blame them? One listen to that, and I subconsciously started inching slightly westward - away from Wrigley field and the house music horrors that would align themselves with such a team. B96, I implore you - stick to extremely topical popular music that only reveals it's true awfulness in retrospect. Like this, your top hit of 1994, which also happens to be a German techno song:

FUCKYEAHDANCEPARTY! Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, fuck B96. I'M A WHITE RAGGAMAN, BABY ONE OF A KIND NOW!

So ... do you wish the season would start yet?


wolfie said...

I don't know if I can ever forgive you guys for tricking me into watching that. How long does that icky feeling last?

Ok, 2nd Annual Pub Crawl will help me forgive.