A Lifetime of Brutal Lessons: 26 Things I've Learned From the Cubs

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Lifetime of Brutal Lessons: 26 Things I've Learned From the Cubs

. Tuesday, January 19, 2010

It's all downhill from here, you poor fat bastard...

As it turns out, today I turn 26. As I am completely unwilling to write an article about arbitration (no offense to other Cubs bloggers that have, I just find the topic brutally uninteresting ... oh, wait, sorry), I have decided to commemorate the day of my birth my sharing the collected wisdom of my years as relates to our favorite team.

1. Your favorite player at age 6 will probably remain your favorite player for life.

2. You might hate a team for your entire life, but nothing is more obnoxious than the fans of a team that suddenly gets semi-competitive.

3. Being able to pee in a metal bucket, shoulder to shoulder with strangers, is the true test of a man. And reflecting on this is not, in any way, homoerotic.

4. No matter how much suffering the Cubs cause, the universe stays in balance through the existence of McGarnagle. Observe:

5. I am clearly no artist - not even in that ironic, laughing-at-you-not-with-you, outsider art way.

Yes I do indeed take this to the bitter end, after the jump

6. When you suck at a job someone's overpaying you to do, go ahead and call racism. A surprising number of idiots will come to your defense. On the bright side, if you're a Cubs blogger, your far more popular blogger friend will give you a forum to make light of the situation. Take that, Milton Bradley!

7. Cubs bloggers are awesome. Sending out 18 e-mails a week to them is time consuming.

8. Combining a pub crawl with live blogging is the greatest idea in the history of thinking.

9. I realized lately that I'm racist. You see, we signed this much-hyped free agent to an expensive deal. They were a bust, and hated us just as much as we hated them. We booed them, so clearly, all of us are racist. I accept that. Fuckin' white people.

10. When you're a Cubs fan and your kid wants a story with a happy ending, you have to go wayyyyyyyy back in the archives.

11. The more you overpay for tickets, the quicker the Cubs starter will implode.

12. In case our multiple hints haven't driven the point home - Jeff Samardzija = Rocky Dennis from the television film Mask. You're welcome.

13. Oh, son of a bitch. I just realized I can spell Samardzija by memory. God forbid my brain keep information like algebra, when my bills are due, or how many teaspoons in a tablespoon. No, the rampantly ethnic names of disappointing long relievers - that's my specialty.

14. Printing your own koozies is like having a child that you can jam a beer into without someone calling child protective services. (Seriously, buy a koozie. I'll let them go for $2 apiece to the first couple people to comment on this post. That is assuming anyone is reading this far down. I predict zero koozies sold. Prove me wrong, a-holes.)

15. When you set out to lovingly cover your favorite baseball team, you will use the tag Delicious Brains and Ted Lilly Crotch Shot more than the tag Playoffs.

16. Holy crap, 26 items is a long list. Allow me to add some filler by stating I would like the following individuals to eat a Hot Pocket out of a chamber pot:

17. Milton Bradley (notracistnotracistnotracistnotracist)

18. Kevin Greggggggg

19. Gordon Wittenmeyer

20. Anyone who bought/owns/wears a "Horry Kow" t-shirt.

21. It's enjoyable to call the fans of your rivals fat - Chicago is a model city for healthful eating and fitness.

22. Much like Calvinists, Sox fans were born without souls. Do not hate. Pity.

23. No matter how obnoxious Sox fans get, it remains a fact that their team will always be second-class in this city. And some of them ain't half bad. Not that we're going to start employing them or anything.

24. Provoking the fans of other teams is fun, and leads to an excellent jump in hits. Especially when they're fat, mulleted, and smell like cheese curds and failure. Eh? Eh?

25. Greatest entrance song ever? Greatest entrance song ever.

26. I suppose you'd expect me to end with something corny like "I love this team" or "Cubs bloggers are the best in the world!!1!" But no. I offer counsel, via my Europe-traveling sister's friend's paranoid mom: If a gypsy ever throws a baby at you in Rome, you do not catch that baby. It's a classic tourist move, and they'll rob your ass blind. You let that gypsy baby fall, and you do it for 'Murrrica.

That's it! Go and celebrate my existence by drinking whiskey and loudly criticizing the weight problem of a Brewers fan.


Jen said...

Ooooh, wrong side of 25. Just hit it myself eight months ago. Still hurts a little. But anyway, Happy Birthday! I got you a Horry Kow tank top.....this is awkward.

Anonymous said...

You called Samardzija a disappointment?!
You're a joke, and so is your blog. Give the kid some time to develop. It's only been a cup of tea at this point regarding his time in the show...

John said...

I'm a joke and incompetent? You sound like the stepfather I never had. Also, take a second to enter a fake name when you slag me off. It's common courtesy.

As for Samardzija, yeah, I see how you'd be excited about that 1.40 WHIP in the minors last year. I hope my thoughtless comments didn't cause you to spit your drink on your green and gold Samardzija shirt.

Angry Mike said...

You guys are whipper snappers. Just turned 29 myself.

I'm sure the anonymous coward is right. The luck of the Irish will have Samardzija throwing more strikes and developing a solid 3rd pitch in no time. I mean he's from ND so he has to be infallible.

KD said...

Happy Birthday John!

You kids crack me up-26? I'd give my left AND right arm to be 26 again. I have the anniversary of my birth coming up in a couple of weeks and, lets just say, it shall be an international day of mourning. And drinking. Heavily.

Oh, and by the way, John, you're absolutely right about Samardzija. I have yet to be impressed w/him. Prove me wrong kid, prove me wrong!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, dont have enough lame time in my day to create a craptastic blog like yourself, thus the anonymous gig will have to stick.

1.40 whip in the MINORS? This is what your basing your bs comments on??? Its the freaking minors! Thats like comparing my sex life now, to back when I first got layed in the 9th grade!

Let me ask you this John, you ever played the game? Give the kid a chance to develop. He's only been pitching full time for 3 seasons now. If youre so caught up on numbers, look at his 2008 big league numbers...

Why does everything have to be about ND with this kid? I dont give a rats ass about where he went to college. Unless he went to Indiana.

John said...

You're off YOUR case, chief!

JakeS said...

What does that even mean?

Sam said...

It means he gets results, you stupid chief!

Sarahellen said...

Good words of wisdom for international travelers. Sometimes your wallet is more important than a baby. Especially a gypsy baby.
Well, off to spend my precious time reading a blog I hate.
Yay for birthdays!

wolfie said...

happy birthday ya wee bastard!

Erin said...

I just want to tell Anonymous that this is my favorite blog to read about the Cubs! You guys are funny and charming, and if he can't take the jokes, perhaps he should go back to reading Fox News or something.