Cubs Media <s>Monday</s> Whatever Day We Feel Like: Someone Got '80s in My Baseball

Friday, January 8, 2010

Cubs Media Monday Whatever Day We Feel Like: Someone Got '80s in My Baseball

. Friday, January 8, 2010

Super Mustache Week continues here at WAIW. Also, some sort of Hall of Fame thing happened. I think I read about it somewhere.

We're still basking in the glow of the Hawk's selection to the Hall of Fame. Nothing - not even an Expos cap - could dampen WAIW's enthusiasm about one of the few Cubs players that Steve and I agree upon fully. So he goes in as an Expo. That won't matter much, as I don't really intend to make the trip to shit-ass New York and pay $16.50 to see that stupid Expos logo. Just knowing my favorite player is there is enough for me. Also, as a blogger that curses about a sport that the people who run it treat with the reverence of a Catholic Cardinal, I'm not sure I'm allowed there anyway. So let's celebrate in our own way - '80s style. We're not the 1st, or even the 10th Cubs blog to post this amazing Andre Dawson theme song, but here goes.

"Okay, John," you say, "that's nice. I've already heard that. Now what can you bring to the table that's new?" First of all, shut your face, imaginary reader. I don't like the smug tone that I've projected upon you. Second of all, as Steve will attest, I get into a weird John Nash-like state when I find something so cheesy yet so unabashedly enthusiastic. It's awesome, but it's also an abomination (abawesomenation?). I've listened to it dozens of times and taken notes. I have A Beautiful Mind. And also possibly A Lovely Mental Problem. Here are my notes on the matter. Refer back to the embedded song, if you must. Prepare to rock, motherfuckers. I'm dropping some science on you, after the jump.

The Hawk slides in safely to a base guarded by some hideous powder blue mutant. Surely this beast comes not from God's earth?

0:01 - Oh, wow, they're building excitement with the classic MVP chant. As a Cubs fan, I have not often heard that unironically.

0:09 - But wait, the '80s drum machine roll makes me wonder if they're talking about the Hawk, or the drum machine itself. Oh drum machine, you truly were the MVP of the 1980s.

0:25 - For fuck's sake, they've been chanting "MVP, MVP" for almost half a minute. Whennn are they gonna get to the fireworks factoryyyyyy?

0:33 - "Number 8 puts on his ..." and that's where I'm stuck. I'm convinced it's supposed to be glove. But actually, really listen to it. It doesn't sound like glove. I could be "puts on his clawwwww" or "puts on his glaiiiive." Holy shit, wouldn't that be badass? The Hawk out there on a sunny June day, rocking a motherfucking glaive?

0:43 - Aaaand, you're finally informed that this song is about Andre Dawson, not Michael Barrett, or Mike Quade, or Moe Thacker.

0:48 - Climbing the ivy walls, eh? Someone help be out here, when did they install the baskets? I was just a young pup back then. If they were there back then, the next verse should be "Number 8, get stuck in the baaaaasket, Number 8, says 'oh fuuuuck'."

0:58 - And the refrain makes it all better. This is such an '80s overdose that I'm starting to get paranoid that Rainbow Brite is out to kill me and wear my skin as a coat. Sweeeeeet.

1:02 - I can't particularly pin down why I think "he's a celebrated hero" sounds so awkward in falsetto verse, but it just does. Not that it's not adding a lot of charm to the whole proceeding.

1:12 - His Golden Gloves are ... what? Waiting by the window? Isn't that an invitation to theft? Or are they sentient? HAVE THE GLOVES ACHIEVED SENTIENCE?!? QUICKLY, BELVEDERE, BRING ME MY SHOTGUN! THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR, PEOPLE!!!

1:24 - Ah, the Home Run Derby win. What I find amusing is that 4 home runs won that particular event. Oh for a simpler time before elephant hormones and the emergence of the clean urine commodities market. The Hawk joined other legendary sluggers who won the event, such as Wally Joyner, Dave Parker, and that guy who was really mean to Henry Rowengartner.

1:26 - Ummm ... The Hawk wasn't a unanimous selection for MVP. Unless we're speaking of the Sexy Mustache League. And I think it's pretty clear that we are.

1:38 - The pitchers wish they could switch to another career. Or just another member of the Cubs lineup. 1987 was not a great year, team-wise, on the North Side.

1:58 - The veritable climax of our epic journey through sonic bliss. The announcer - who Steve and I have tabbed as a poor Brickhouse impersonator - comes in, evoking shades of Starship's "We Built This City on Rock and Roll."

2:08 - The chanting is back. Self-trepanation looms.

2:45-3:04 - I haven't seen such a painful fade since that time Steve and I watched the entire House Party series.

Aaaand that about wraps up this detailed log of my descent into Lovecraftian madness. If you'd like to download the mp3 - and you certainly do - then it's right here for your pleasure. If you'd really like to go all out, snatch up this rare WGN VHS. Act quickly. He's our hero, after all. A celebrated one.