WAIW: Wishing An Incredible Wintertimeholiday

With the holiday week upon us Gentiles, we here at WAIW would like to extend wish everyone a Merry Christmas. This means we will be taking a break for the rest of the week from our strenuous 1.67 posts per week December average and simply give you this 1. Be sure to check back next week, when we post about how we taught our new Furbies to say dirty words:

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Problem Bradley for Problem Silva

The Cubs recently signed Venezuelan star Carlos Silva, made famous for his roll as El Kendro Powers in the Spanish language adaption of "Eastbound and Down"

Well, we finally did it. We traded Milton Bradley for Carlos past-his-prime-coming-off-of-an-8.60-E.R.A.-season Silva. Looking at his career stats, it is dumbfounding why anyone would make this move. 4.72 E.R.A. for his career, hasn't had a winning record since 2005 (and that was 9-8), and pitched 30 innings last year. The only thing he has in common with the Cubs staff is his post-season skills: 0-1, 10.60 E.R.A., lasting 5.0 innings. On top of it all, we won't even clear payroll room, as he is due $25 million over the next two years.

Sigh.

This is what happens when you really hate someone and are willing to show it by any means necessary. It's like trying to get back at your ex-girlfriend, but end up with a lifetime filled with syphilis. Take me out to the ballgame, buy me some penicillin and cracker jacks.

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Crimes Against Commerce: Holiday Edition

You can call us here at WAIW a lot of things, but one thing you can never say is that we are curmudgeons around the holidays. As such, it is our duty to provide you a gift-list of sorts. Only, unlike your "traditional" lists, we are going to focus on the awful, the ridiculous, and the absurd. These are the items that you open from your great-Aunt Dolores because you made that mistake of telling her you were a Cubs fan, and now every Christmas you have to pretend to really enjoy the gift. Of course, it's the thought that counts. So let's give ol' Dolores a break, and prepare ourselves for the present you are bound to open this year.

Promotional code provided if you listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart' four times in a row

Well, well, well...what do we have here? If you were wondering how you could show your affection for both NASCAR AND professional baseball (normally a feat reserved for Cards fans), we have the perfect gift for you. What I find most egregious of this is the fact that this is listed under the category "Fashion Hats." The only thing fashionable about that hat is how late the person wearing it showed up to etiquette class (and congratulations are in order for the reader, for reading what is now officially the gayest zinger a straight man has ever written!).

More fabulousness, after the jump.

Joe Paris is said to be horribly disappointed he didn't win #1 Fan

As for this one, it's not so much how horrific it is, but more-so how they took the liberty of filling in the name. We here at WAIW are nothing if not hard-hitting journalists (think 'Hard Copy' with 3 pints of Guinness), so we were inclined to investigate who MLB had anointed to be there "#1" guy. Upon some research, we found that it is really the most mundane, trying to hipster artist out there. Maybe if I make some crappy drawings, I can be recognized too. Oh wait, it didn't work for John.

The three R's: Rhat Rhe Ruck?

Now, I challenge you, dear reader, to even begin to comprehend what the hell was the thought process behind this design. MLB has made these for every team, so it isn't a Cubs issue, but take a step back and realize how retarded this is. It is capitalization at its worst, with MLB trying to make money off the fact that we are killing the Earth. Really, I want you to take 5 seconds and think about how little sense this makes. Of course, while trying to bring this paragraph to its logical conclusion, I wanted to end it with a clever joke about pollution. Unfortunately, WikiAnswers told me not to bother:

The perfect gift for your dog that was unable to survive thousands of years of evolution.

I suppose this one isn't obvious as to why it offends me. But, living in Lincoln Square, I have to deal with my fair share of dog walkers on my walk to and from the Metra station. While dogs already disconcert me (with their making eye-contact with me while they shit, and whatnot), nothing pisses me off more than people that feel the need to put clothes, coats, or gloves on their dogs. Seriously?! This animal is a product of Darwinism and has evolved to the point where they can handle the outside temperatures. IT IS WHY THEY HAVE FUR. If you ever see me walking a dog with clothing on it, please steal the keys to my Volvo Mini-van and run me over repeatedly.

"Gee thanks Mom! I love baseball! Wait a minute...these flash cards have nothing to do with baseball. I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH DAD!"

Believe it or not, the MLB shop has a "School Supplies" section. Included in that is this sweet package, containing Addition and Multiplication flash cards and an amazing set of not 1, not 2, not 3, (punched in the face), BUT 10 markers! And just how much does it cost to have MLB sanction your education? This package can all be yours for a measly $16.99. $16.99!!!!!!! This entire package is probably available at Aldi free for showing up.

So there you have it. Your anti-gift list. from all of us at WAIW, we hope you have a wonderful holiday!

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Sweet, Blue-Striped Jesus!: Metal Piss Buckets to Survive

National. Fucking. Treasure.

With all the talk of Wrenovation at Wrigley these days, Steve and I have just basically been assuming that our beloved metal troughs were on the outs. As such, our multi-beer efforts have turned emotional in the past year, as pissful becomes wistful at the great Wrigley memories we've dotted with frequent trips to the (literal in this case) can:

- Fukudome hitting a three-run homer on his first game with the Cubs to send the game into Opening Day extra innings? I peed in a trough that day.

- Rich Harden fireballing motherfuckers during his first dominant start with the team? I elbowed my way to the pee-trough.

- Clinching the division against the Cardinals on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in 2008? You best believe that nervous/celebratory beer was sent back to the ancient plumbing of Wrigley as a grateful sacrifice to the baseball gods.

The point is, though they're nasty, and it's a poor idea to wear flip flops around what is essentially a urine trampoline, they're an essential part of the Wrigley experience. Pretty much to a one, the "Wrigley is a dump" complaints come from stage-frightened Cardinals and Sox fans who claim to be baseball purists, yet suffer a yeast infection at the thought of bathrooms without auto-flushing toilets and HDTV. Me, I'll take the sound of Pat and Ron on WGN booming over a sound akin to someone power washing a tool shed. That's real baseball, folks.

The good news is that according to the Trib, they're safe for now. The tradition-loving pURINEists have won out over the forces of shy bladderdom. Rejoice, dear friends. It's a Christmas miracle.

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Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Over the past 3 seasons, I have been fortunate enough to go to over 70 Cubs games. Living within walking distance of Wrigley allows me the opportunity of seizing a last minute deal on Craigslist or being available when someone has the allusive extra ticket up for grabs. While that is a lot of games for the average Cubs fan, it has never been enough to satiate my needs. Thus, like many other people, I have signed up for the season ticket waitlist. I am now entering my third year on the list, and the results, are not promising:

Now, I know 46,845 isn’t horrible, especially considering it is over 100,000 deep, but I have moved up a dismal 172 spots in my three years. That is an average of 57 spots per year. In other words, I am 990 years away from receiving my tickets. I will repeat. I AM A MILLENIUM AWAY FROM MY TICKETS! So, in honor of my first season ticket game, I will make predictions, a la Conan, for the YEAR 3000 (in the year three-thouusssssaaaaaand).

See the predictions, after the jump.

In the year 3000, the Cubs will lose an epic battle to the robots, as they were unprepared for the robots unique playing style. A picture has been obtained, and we can see that they tricked the Cubbies into a fight while they zoomed around the base path.

IN THE YEAR THREEEE-THOUSAND!

In the year 3000, Ron Santo's head in a jar waits with melancholy patience for the Veterans Committee to vote him into the Hall of Fame.

IN THE YEAR THREE-THOUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSAND!

In the year 3000, Cubs owners finally succumb to the pressure of the times and install individual urinals. As beer is now in cube form, only 2 are needed.

IN THE YEAR THREE-THOUSAND!

In the year 3000, Milton Bradley is denied a contract and he claims that the Cubs and its fans are all ageists because they refuse to let him play, and not because he has the skills of a 1030 year old dead man.

IN THE YEAR THREE-THOUUUUUUSSSSSSSSANDDDDDDDDDD!

In the year 3000, a local tavern owner attempts to bring in his exotic pet for good luck. He is denied entrance. No one learns of the story because the advanced minds of the future know it will have no impact of the play on the field.

IN THE YEAR THREEEEEEE-THOUSSAND!

In the year 3000, Sammy Sosa will walk the earth looking like this:

A scary future indeed!

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Announcing WAIW 2009 Winter Schedule

We have been, you might say, rather quiet since the end of the ignoble 2009 campaign. You might also say there hasn't been much to get off of our lazy asses and post about. Apologies for that, but Hendry should also apologize for deciding to keep the thoroughly unpleasant 2009 Cubs as the base for the sure-to-be-fun 2010 Cubs. But no matter - we are Cubs bloggers, and Cubs blog we shall. Regularly. All the features you love, all the custom jerseys you love to hate. Right here, Tuesdays and Thursdays all offseason. You'll get a grab bag of the WAIW columns you love best. For now, enjoy this seemingly innocuous video from 1988.

Notice anything at 0:10? Perhaps an artifact from before the Braves tried to P.C. up their image? You're welcome.

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