Weekend Recap: Cubs Beat a Solid Team, Get Jack Shit for It

I have it on good authority that those mysterious lights above Zambrano are the trail that his wicked fastball left. Or maybe I just read too many comic books.

Even here, at the center of the Cubs universe, I feel like everyone's already checked out. It's like that scene in the Shining, when there are only a couple people left at the Overlook, but Jack Nicholson hasn't quite yet started the repetitive typing and murder. It's sad, and those creepy dead twins don't help matters. You want to see a really sad indicator of Chicago sentiment toward our beloved Cubbies? Behold.

Great embedded Cubs highlights - OF JAY FUCKING CUTLER! ESPN Chicago - incompetent, or just tapping into the metropolitan subconscious?

More lonely recapping, after the jump



Leave it to Zambrano to turn in his best game of the year as most of us are out and about, stuffing five-dollar bills into bar jukeboxes to secure a solid slate of '80s hits before some asshole pumps in $20 worth of U2 or some broad and her roll of $1s decides it's a 50 Cent kind of night. Which is to say that the Cubs game was less the focus of the night than the thing I was really glad they turned on for me at the bar. Sadly, the season seems to be going away with a whimper. How else to explain my late-posting of such a momentous (okay, maybe just notable) recap?

Hey, with that hair and that lighting, he sort of looks like a nightmarishly hideous woman!

As sucky as this season has been, Friday was a reminder that even in the flaming wreck of this horrible fucking Hindenberg campaign, there is occasionally enjoyable baseball to be had. Zambrano not only threw a complete game shutout of a Wild Card contender, but he also smacked an RBI double off of the video game cover boy. Then we got to beat Randy Johnson as well, when he came in to relieve the 7'10" hippie. I can't remember ever winning a game that featured Randy Johnson on the round. Ever. I hate that gangly fuck. He looks like an extra from 1990s Lorenzo Lamas vehicle Renegade. And we beat him, much in the spirit of Lorenzo Lamas. I just like typing that name. Lorenzo Lamas.

Geovany Soto provides empirical evidence for the utility of Hostess Fruit Pies as a training regimen.

While I respect Tim Lincecum's tremendous ability, and I enjoyed winning that game because of the sheer achievement involved in Z out-dueling him, I liked Saturday's game because I'm a mean bastard. I'm sure he's a good guy, but I can't get over my sick fascination with watching Barry Zito fall apart like an Tony Larussa's Jenga set.

(Get it? Because he's likely got the shakes and would be poor at Jenga?)

I'm sure Barry Zito is a nice guy - awful guitar albums aside - but there seems to be something weirdly fascinating to human beings about a $126 million dollar person doing their job like absolute shit. And perhaps 6 hits and 4 runs in 4 innings isn't that terrible, but getting yanked before you can blow up the game like a Navy Seal demo-ing a Viet Cong bridge doesn't make you a hundred million dollar man. And when Geo Soto's getting up off of his fat ass and ripping RBI hits off of you, then perhaps it's time to consider a second career, maybe call DeVry for that HVAC brochure.

"What is this mysterious emotion? I ... feel ... funny. It must be what the humans call ... love. [ERROR, ERROR, REVERTING TO ORIGINAL PROGRAMMING] ROMPER, MATAR, DESTRUYE:

And then Sunday we lost, and no one noticed, because we were already far out of the playoffs and the Bears were on. Que lastima.

Read More »»

Breaking News! Cubs Still Playing!

Cubs win?

Conventional wisdom indicated that the season was over weeks ago. But wouldn't you know it...the Cubs are actually still playing baseball. Due to some sort of contractual obligation and glitch in the scheduling system, the Cubs have actually been playing almost every day for the past month, much to the surprise of many people that follow the sport. It saddens me that it has come to this, but combine an unlikable team that is not in contention with the fact that we were the NL Central champs for the past two years, and that the new fall lineup has begun ("You ate the whole thing? EVEN THE STICKER?!), it means that watching the games has become a lackluster proposition. When you see more Facebook status' concerning Glee than the Cubs, you know that interest has completely waned. So now we enter the final 10 days of the season, excited to put this behind us and debate all the moves we should make (My-Byes: Hendry, Bradley, Soriano).

Some tidbits about the game, after the jump.

The two person crane is one of the hardest moves to pull off

The Cubs did in fact win last night, with Baker hitting a home run to take the lead in the 9th, which led to Guzman hitting Lee's neck causing a spasm in the dugout. This reminds me of when the Bumbleeman goes home from work only to cause a series of incidents. Yes, a video would be great right here of what I am talking about. I agree. After 30 minutes of searching for it, however, I give up. I did find the transcript, so enjoy that:

Ay, que dia miserable a trabajo. -- Pedro the Bumblebee Man,Pedro's atrocities during the filming (or making) of the show include getting attacked by a woodpecker, becoming electrically shocked with spaghetti, and whacked with a giant baseball.  

Pedro: Ah, tiempo para relaxar en paz y quieto.  [opens a cabinet full of oranges which wallop his head]         !Ay, naranjas en la cabeza!          [flails about in his home until he finds himself stuck on a chandelier] !Ay, una candelabra precariosa!          [the chandelier is pulled free of the ceiling; bringing the ceiling down with it]  

Emma: [walking down and seeing the disaster]  !Ay! Mira que cosa tan terrible, yo no puedo entender algo como esto, como puedo vivir con un hombre tan irresponsible.  !No, no, no, no no!          [walks off, handing Pedro a divorce paper]

Reading is power!

All of Fukudome's games are broadcast for the schoolchildren

Zambrano and Lincecum battle tonight. In June, I would've planned my evening around this game. In September, its going to be a Rock Band / drinking kind of night. At least I can adapt.

Read More »»

WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 26: The Bradley Blame Game

We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. This week - Milton Bradley.

Now that Milton Bradley is gone, who are you placing blame with for the whole debacle? And seeing as how we're most likely going to have to eat some money to jettison the guy, what's the most amusing trade you can think of for him? My vote - send him to Philly.

WAIW Note: I believe that a general malaise about the team may be spreading. To be fair, it is quite dire. And as such, we have only two respondents to this great and powerful Roundtable. But what estimable bloggers they are, and they refuse to quit on this team. WAIW salutes you, goodsirs!

Chip Wesley

You can blame Hendry for this mess if you want but that's the easy thing to do in hindsight. Really the bulk of it has to fall on Bradley. He's been in the league for quite a while now and should have his shit figured out by this point. It's really too bad. The guy has immense talent at the plate and for whatever reason he can't quite keep his emotions in check.

I say trade him to the Nationals. It'll be a gift for them to get a veteran hitter for virtually nothing and if he's acts like a surly bastard it can draw attention away from Elijah Dukes being a punk. Or maybe Bradley could use someone like Dukes and Nyjer Morgan to mentor. He could show them how not to act.


Ted Lilly Fan Club

While some blogs might blame the departure of Matt Murton, the plague of pitching injuries or the fact that Andy White didn't get enough playing time at second base, we blame ourselves: the Ted Lilly Fan Club. Why? B/c, if we had been able to perfect our TLFC Cloning Machine, we could have fielded an entire team of Ted Lillys every day of the week (yes--we're even including off days b/c Ted Lilly clones, like their master, don't require sleep).

So, instead of the Board Game King pissing off the Cubs faithful, outfielder Ted would be showering them w/ gold glove defense and puma-like speed in right. Instead of our bullpen imploding and making us wish we had Joe-Bo back, ace closer Ted would be firing down lillyhammers in the 9th and getting us the save. And, instead of Soto having a less-than-fantasy-gold season, pitcher Ted would be playing pitch and catch with catcher Ted for nine innings.

Cubs would win, fans would rejoice and Joe Buck could rot in hell...Ahhhh to dream.

Le End

Read More »»

Double Recap Madness: Cubs Validate Milwaukee Inferiority Complex

"What's Japanese for 'Up high, broseph'?"

The titanic ... yawwwwwwn ... battle for second in the division is still raging. And the Cubs are riding a 3-game winning streak following a pair of wins over that team from the timeshare to the north. And yea there was much rending of XXXL Packers jerseys and gnashing of ... tooth. Prince Fielder, upon learning that the Cubs had handily secured the season series over the Brewers, ate an entire wedding cake and cried himself to sleep.

More Milwaukee jokes (they're so easy), after the jump

I've run out of Goonies jokes, but look at that goofy bastard

Monday must have been a depressing day for Mike Cameron - the Brewers outfielder hit two home runs in the game. With that offensive spark behind them, the Brewers scored a grand total of ... two runs. And at 10-2, it wasn't even close. Of course, that's what is supposed to happen when your team has Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez, and the other team has Braden Looper. Which isn't to say that Looper isn't intimidating, but, well, look at him ...

"Guess I'd better go back to prospectin' "

Gorezelanny was good enough for 9 strikeouts in 5 innings, and Cubs rookie Tyler Colvin got his first hit during his CF start. And though Tyler Colvin is currently a AA player, and probably not ready to contribute regularly at the big league level, I'll take him over Milton Bradley. Strike that - I'll take anyone over Milton Bradley. When your own teammates don't defend your being suspended for the remainder of the year, then it's probably your fault. When you do this over your entire career, then it's definitely your fault.

The neighbor kid who wears a helmet and chases cars strikes this pose too

Tuesday, while not as furious an ass-kicking, was more of the same. Randy Wells gave up only a solo HR over 7 innings, and brought his ERA down to an even 3.00. Sophomore slump next year or not, it's been fun to watch him play this year.

Fukudome, Lee, and Ramirez had big days, which explains a lot of the 7-run tally. No one else - save Tyler Colvin - had a hit. And this guy continues to be right about Ryan Theriot in the leadoff spot. He sucks. But really, if you were Lou, would you be giving a shit at this point? From Colvin to Heilman to Esmalin Caridad, it's clearly time to let the scrubs have their moment in the sun. At least we don't have to watch Milton Bradley - for the rest of the season, at the very least. My idea? Trade the guy to Philly and watch the fireworks.

Tyler Colvin - AA, but still a match for the Brewers

Today, since we've won the series, Lou has decided to start Samardzija. So maybe put on a nice movie in place of tonight's game.

Read More »»

Cubs Media Monday: Free Awesome

I think I can let this go without comment

Okay, one comment. Free satin jacket? FUCK YES!

Read More »»

Weekend Recap: 21 Facts About Milton Bradley

"ARE YOU PLOTTING AGAINST ME, BAT? I'LL KILL YOU!"

The Cubs lost another series over the weekend. It's almost becoming passe. You know you've become one numb son of a bitch when a series loss to the Cardinals in September passes you by with all the moronic obliviousness of a seagull. Also - fuck seagulls. And pigeons. The lady in the building next to mine inexplicably puts out catering trays of snack mix for those flying rat fucks. So what do I get when I shuffle out the door at 6:15 in the morning? Fucking Hitchcock, but with more plague. I feel like I'm rambling. Like there should be something I'm supposed to ...

OH YEAH

THE CUBS SUSPENDED THAT FUCK MILTON BRADLEY FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON

Now I know that you know this already - WAIW has never been one of the news-breaking blogs - but I wanted you to get my full, gleeful reaction to it. Because fuck that guy. Seriously - I mean this in the most non-racial, non-hateful (past his relations with the team and fans) way. Fuck him.

But before he departs from our lives like bad State Fair chili through the digestive system of our fanhood (Ed note: ???), I'd like to share 21 (in honor of both his jersey number and his IQ) facts about our star-crossed RF that you might not have known.

WAIW's 21 Facts About Milton Bradley*

1. Milton Bradley, despite his struggles in '09, is a lifetime .277 hitter.

2. He is also a lifetime douchebag.

3. Milton Bradley most likely thinks that Uno's Chicago Grill is "local Chicago Food."

4. Bradley, as mentioned in #3, is no food critic. But one time, he was eating a Ho-Ho, and said "MOTHERFUCKER, STOP PLOTTING AGAINST ME. I WILL KILL YOU." It is unclear whether he was addressing a nearby sports reporter, or the Ho-Ho.

5. I'm not accusing him of anything, but Milton can't prove that he wasn't on a certain grassy patch of ground on November 22, 1963 in Dallas.

6. Milton Bradley once came in second in a talent competition, and he went fucking ballisitc, cursing out the judges, accusing his competitors of plotting against him, and swearing revenge. The-1st placed contestant? A Ms. Jon Benet Ramsey.

7. Milton has had a long history of speaking out at the worst possible time, like the time he shouted "Dammit, Anne Frank! I know we have to be quiet! It's not as if anyone can hear us up here."

8. Milton Bradley invented POGS. Then cruelly denied us the collectible Alf POGS set we so craved.

9. Milton Bradley has written all of the Simpsons episodes for the past ten seasons.

10. Milton Bradley was injured by Bud Black - a feat previously accomplished only by Black's sass-talking grandkids.

More satire (satire being a completely different thing than libel) after the jump



11. Before he was a baseball player, Bradley worked at a boardwalk carnival, scamming rubes. Years later, the ultimate score - 3 years, $30M from the King of Rubes.

12. April 15, 1978. Milton Bradley born. On the same day, two express trains collide head-on in Italy, killing 43. Coincidence?

...

Yeah, probably. But he's a jerk.

13. Milton Bradley prefers the original Battlestar Galactica over the sleek, 2000s version. What an idiot.

14. One time, a waiter was rude to Milton Bradley. Most of us would just let it go, but he waited ... and seethed ... and plotted ... and then alternated those things for awhile. Then he tracked the poor bastard down. And thence did he say "RONALD GOLDMAN, I DEMAND SATISFACTION!"

15. April 15, 1997 - baseball honors Jackie Robinson by retiring the number 42. April 16, 1997 - Milton Bradley heard to exclaim to equipment manager "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T WEAR 42? ARE YOU PLOTTING AGAINST ME? I'LL KILL YOU!"

16. March 28, 1988 - Weird Al Concert disrupted by lone black man in the front row repeatedly screaming "THAT'S NOT HOW THE SONG GOES! ARE YOU PLOTTING AGAINST ME? I'LL KILL YOU!"

17. 1935 - Milton Bradley dreams of a new dirigible. It will soar gracefully over the state of New Jersey, and will be called "Hindenberg." And it will be filled with the most flammable gas he can find. Nice job, fuckhead.

18. Bought his first baseball glove with the proceeds from acting as an informant to one Pontious Pilate.

19. Owns the original cast recording of "Cats." Cries to "Memory."

20. He eats teddy bears. As evil as that might seem, we are quick to point out it's also just really fuckin' weird.

21. August 1921 - Heard to exclaim "DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT. NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM ME!"

*(Note: "Facts" are not, in fact, facts. Please don't charge our digital pressbox, Milton)

Read More »»

Double Brewed

Not even a freak, 3rd head arm helped Randy Wells' form on Thursday

Two Cubs v. Brewers games in a span of 15 or so hours. What a difference 15 hours makes. I go from optimism riding high that we have a shot at making a run for the Wild Card to being put right back in my place. Wells looked pretty awful, making it only 4 innings while giving up 5 runs (including a Grand Slam - even though they are worse off than us, the Brewers fans are still quite obnoxious, with their cheering and whatnot...the nerve!). There are only two things that can make up for having to witness such a performance: great seats and B-List celebrities. See both, after the jump.

Well...I already used my jump line. So...read it again.

I assure you, the picture quality was greater in person

There was a lot going on for yesterday's game. The Congressional Medal of Honor convention is in town this week, so the living recipients were invited to the game. It was quite a site to see, with the American flag outstretched in the outfield with members of all branches of the military. Both teams then met for an exchange prior to the game and they recipients received on of the longer standing ovations I have been a part of. The announcer said something like, of the 43 million people to serve in the military throughout its inception, only some 3,000 have received this honor. So what you see before you is approximately the top 0.007% badass people in the world. It should also be noted that Dennis Miller, who was on hand to throw out the opening pitch and sing the stretch, was sitting relatively close to me. As the Medal of Honor recipients were exiting, he was waving at and applauding like a 12 year old outside of the Jonas Brothers hotel. And I thought that was pretty cool. Anyway, it was an awesome ceremony to see and helps put a lot of things into perspective. That calls for a WAIW Salute to all of those who serve for our country. Thanks for doing what I don't have the balls to do.

Ok, thanks for the sidetrack. I will know give you pictures and sarcasm.

Dennis Miller: Sensibly dressed man

Being in the 3rd row of section 116 wasn't enough to keep this man entertained. That about sums up Chicago's interest in this team right now.

Hard to tell, but by the outline of the hair you can probably guess that is none other than ousted douche Rob Blagojevich. I am not sure if he knows everyone wants pictures with him because they are making fun.

So we head down to St. Louis, in what looked to be a great series 3 months ago. Now, with the Cards 9 games up, even a sweep does little except probably making me excited again. I don't think anyone can say it better than Fergie, so please Cubs, don't phunk with my heart.

Read More »»

WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 25: (1950s Science Fiction Announcer's Voice) "HATE-DEX 2000!"

We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. This week - the great and terrible debut of Hate-Dex 2000.

Jen

This was fun. I hate them so hard...

Aaron Miles (HDR: 20) - Apparently impervious to the Mendoza Line. Add in the fact that he's a former Cardinal, who hit .317 for them last year, and nothing short of his testicles hanging from my rearview mirror will appease me.

MB (HDR: 17) - I can't decide who's the bigger idiot - MB for exceeding our worst nightmares or me for thinking signing him would actually work. Probably me. No wait, him. Definitely him.

Zambrano (HDR: 15) - Three reasons: 1) Sit-ups? Really not that hard. 2) Ace? 3) I really liked that Gatorade machine.

Gregg (HDR: 13) - Broad shoulders will only grant you immunity for so long, Mr. Gregg.

Neal Cotts (HDR:10) - Gone but not forgotten.

Soriano (HDR: 10) - The defense was hard enough to take back when he could hit 30 home runs.

Geo (HDR: 9) - Why don’t I see Michael Phelps looking like pre-Subway Jared? Hey fatty - puff, puff, hit the treadmill.

Fontenot (HDR: 6) - Get a fucking haircut. There's nothing endearing about a mullet when you're hitting .224.

Jay

Milton Bradley (HDR: 30) - If I boo you, I'm a racist. If I cheer for you, you mock me with a ridiculously stupid "muppet gesture." Fuck you Milton!

Aaron Heilman (HDR: 25) - What a piece of shit. Enough said.

Sam Fuld (HDR: 20) - Yes, this one is strange but allow me to explain. I'm so tired of hearing how the great Sam Fuld should play everyday. Do you know what you'd get if Sam Fuld played everyday? You'd get Mike Fontenot production. Haven't we learned our lesson? Championship teams don't have Sam Fuld types playing for them everyday.

Mike Fontenot (HDR: 15) - Finally got his chance to play everyday and he proceeded to shit himself. Here's hoping we don't make that mistake again.

Alfonso Soriano (HDR: 12) - Sori is one of my favorites but I'm pissed at him right now. I spent all season telling everyone not to worry, eventually you'd go on one of your streaks where you carry this team for weeks. Needless to say it never happened. He did manage to kill this team for weeks at a time though. That sure was fun.

Aaron Miles (HDR: 11) - Can we please stop signing shitty ex-Cardinals? I'm fine if they want to send us Carpenter or Pujols but enough with the garbage. Am I the only one who's afraid that Hendry is going to sign Ankiel in the off season?

Carlos Marmol (HDR: 10) What. The. Fuck. Nice to see he's found his control once we were out of contention. You have to admit it was fun though when Marmol was the 8th inning guy and Gregg was the closer. We had the guy who led baseball in hit batsmen setting up for the guy who led baseball in giving up homers. How does Rothschild still have a job?

Kevin Gregg (HDR: 10) See Carlos Marmol

Geo Soto (HDR: 10) Zambrano gets crap from the media because he hates to do ab work but this guy shows up overweight with Ho-Ho's in hand and basically gets a free pass. How far do you have to fall for the fan base to prefer Koyie Hill starts?

Ryan Theriot (HDR: 7) Hey Ryan, you're not a power hitter! You have SEVEN goddam home runs this year, quit fucking swinging for it every goddam time.

Jeff Samardzija (HDR: 6) I have no faith. None.

David Patton (HDR: 5) I will always root against you for the rest of time. You are a complete waste of space and I'm not sure why everyone bent over backwards to keep you around this year. I'm pretty sure you're Larry Rothschild's grandson or something.

Neal Cotts (HDR: 4) Does it make me a bad person or you a shitty player that I was excited when I heard you hurt yourself and were out for the year? Probably a lot of both.

Reed Johnson (HDR: 3) So let me get this straight. You can faceplant into a wall and not get a scratch but you foul a ball off your foot and you miss 2-3 months? You're tougher than this, I thought you'd just cut it off and keep playing, I guess I misjudged you.

Aramis Ramirez (HDR: ) We don't pay you to play defense pal. Try to remember that next year, it'll save you a couple months.

More hate than you can shake a flaming bag of poop at, after the jump



Cubbiejulie

Derrek Lee-- (HDR 0) I couldn't possibly hate you less, even though I wanted to trade you in the off-season and wanted Hufflepuff to start over you in the spring. You get an 89.

Aramis Ramirez (HDR 0) --Watch the shoulder, okay? And don't always swing so hard. Homeruns are boring and besides that, they're fascit. Hit some doubles once in a while. . . it's more democratic.

Jeff Baker-- (HDR 0)You don't hold a candle to DeRosa in the looks department, but I ain't mad atcha.

Milton Bradley--(HDR 10) Could you try to be a little more likable? You have a serious persecution complex and my therapist things you have some sort of major mood disorder. Just keep your trap shut and keep hitting doubles and you and I will have no problems.

Kosuke Fukudome (HDR 10) -- Could you stop with the freakin' corkscrew swing? we're all sick of it. my dad taught me not to swing like this when i was 6, so i'm not sure why you think this is still okay. on a separate note, do you watch 'shaq vs.?' because i'm pretty sure albert pujols' kid had a better swing than you do. maybe he could be your hitting coach? it would be a lot cheaper than that dude we always have to fly in from japan.

Ryan Theriot (HDR 10) You have no range unless there's a camera around. Also, your hair is stupid.

Mike Fontenot (HDR 20) ---not only is your hair incredibly obnoxious, i knew, just KNEW you would be a complete waste of space this season, I just didn't know it would be at 2nd AND 3rd.

Aaron Miles (HDR 20)-- I can't even express how much I hate you. See above. Boo! Boo! Booo!!!!

Kevin Gregg (HDR 30) you know what makes me hate you even more? the fact that you look like you'd be pretty hot if you didn't suck so bad at baseball. stop looking so confused out there, you know as well as the rest of us what's going to happen when you go out there. i'll be honest, i went back and forth between you and miles, but, in the end, giving up a 3-run homer to RONNY FUCKING CEDENO pushed you over the top. Congrats.

Ted Lilly Fan Club

The TLFCHQ was restless all of last night. Couldn't sleep. Your query haunted our normally sweet dreams of LillyHammers and unicorns. Our problem - we don't hate anyone on this team. We really don't hate anyone in professional sports, it's not like they did anything to us. The only person we really hate is Joe Buck, we give him 100.

Look, we've been to Prison. We've lived on the streets. We know that Hate is more a function of turf war and what color bandanna you're wearing, not unnecessarily filling up a spot on the 40 man roster. Further to that, Hate should be acted upon by furious destruction of property not a ranking.

So yeah, Joe Buck 100. Everyone else 0.

Editor's Note: OUTLIER! OUTLIER! OUTLIER! HATE DEX ANGRRRRRRRY!

The great and powerful Hate-Dex has not turned on humanity, so stay tuned until next week when we incorporate A League of Her Own's sample size-bolstering Hate-Dexes and make it look and fancy and such. It's gonna drop the bomb on your ass.

Read More »»

Brewers 9 - Cubs 5: Harden Really Hates Facing the Brewers

Rich, making it Harden himself. A HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA...SOB.

Well, that sucked. Even this late in a season as bleak as a German expressionist film, I don't like losing to the Brewers. It doesn't make all that much sense - as bad as we are, they're 5 1/2 games back of our suck asses. I guess their brief brush with respectability (Pot to Kettle: YOU ARE BLACK!) made them such assholes (see previous dialogue) that this formerly forgettable team has developed into an actual rival. As much as I now hate them, that's nice. Sports is a lot more fun with rivalries. You know what doesn't have rivalries? Polo. And they're all assholes.

blah blah blah blah AFTER THE JUMP blah blah. Yes, I meant to type that. It is not a placeholder.

Prince Fielder focuses intently on the photographer, who has a Hostess Fruit Pie in his pocket. The photographer's mangled vest, found later that evening, was the only trace of the poor bastard.

As good as Rich Harden can look on any given night, I wasn't too keen on Canadian Rich on the mound versus the fatties last night. You see, I'd been there on July 4th, when he honored America by giving up 5 runs in the top of the 1st to this very group of sisterfuckers. And I was right. His ERA versus the team from our timeshare to the north is north of 8.10, according to my expert calcuations. That's some shit right there.

"Look ... listen ... look. You're the least punchable guy on this team, son. Listen. Look."

What's even more frustrating is that the offense was only scoring runs when fairly far behind. It was like an annoying couple on the phone - "no YOU hang up first," except Cubs hitters were saying "no YOU drive in 3 runs first." That's a losing proposition, ladies and gents. Then again, so is Harden against the Brewers in 2009. A-Ram (13th HR) continues to be the light in the outhouse of this team, along with D-Lee. Fuku is now fully making me look like an asshole. Bobby Scales got two hits, which was two more than Milton Bradley. Geovany Soto could hit every pitch to the wall for the rest of the year and not raise his average above .250. Welcome to the long, slow, windup.

Le sigh.

Read More »»

We Are Back! Missed Recaps Are Gone Forever!

He may not like the taste, but you cannot argue with the results of Ovaltine

Folks, we did not abandon you. After the first ever WAIW trip (with respective girlfriends) from Boston, where we rocked out 26 pitches of a rain-cancelled-$50-stubhub-no-refunds-no-exchanges-bleacher game at Fenway, drunkenly walked the Freedom Trail and enjoyed the shortest brewery tour ever at Sam Adams ("This is a hop. Who wants to go to the tasting room?" - shortest = bestest). I returned to Chicago on Sunday night, just in time to see Jay Cutler ruin my real team, as well as my fantastical one. A couple of days of work-catchup and now back to posting regularly (John is busy schmoozing people out east still to care about you, dear reader). That being said, even in Boston, we were keeping up on the games (even watched most of the win on Friday at Cask & Flagon). And wouldn't you know it - we have gone on a bit of a streak. That, coupled with the fact that the Giants have been beating the Rockies, and we find ourselves still hanging around the Wild Card hunt.

More blind optimism before the inevitable heartbreak, after the jump

While we are now only 4 games back from the Rockies in the loss column (with a virtual tie with the Braves and the Marlins, who have played more games then us), the Brewers have gone the other way. To drive home the point, AP photographers included not 1, not 2, but 3 pictures of the Brewers sorrowfully messing with their apparel, as if rehearsing for the play Why Are We So Bad, Charlie Brown? Behold, doom and gloom:

Un-sure, Un-sure, Un-sure

Just flushed beloved goldfish Ned down toilet

FML

The Cubs meanwhile, have their spirits up, as illustrated by the synchronized-mirror-robot celebration dance that Fukudome and Lee are practicing:

"See how close our hands can get without touching" Lee said, right before punching Fukudome in the balls.

So the Cubs have done it to me again. They have made me have hope that the season is not shot. Just in time, too. As I will be attending tonight's and tomorrow's game. Sweep the Brewers, and this could get interesting.

Read More »»

WAIW Salute: Patrick Swayze

As started by the passing of Estelle Getty, WAIW has a tradition of saluting those that we have used for comedic purposes. Today, Patrick Swayze, who John used as his muse for our guest post on TLFC, has passed away at 57 years old. While he wooed the ladies in Dirty Dancing and Ghost, we like to remember him for his badassiness in the classic Roadhouse. So we salute you, Swayze. See a clip of ridiculousness, after the jump.

Read More »»

WAIW Returns From Boston Vacation, Puts Up Bullshit Post Telling You "Hang On, We'll Start Posting Again In a Minute"

Title about says it all. The chowder was good. Not so much the lobster roll.

Read More »»

We Have Answered Philosophy!

I took a few philosophy classes during my undergradute years. Along with geology, bowling, ju jitsu (twice), and sex ed. Fucking gen-ed requirements. But only philosophy had the unanswerable questions, the great queries and quandaries of this universe. But for one of them, I have an answer. Specifically, the great and powerful "How many bobbleheads is too many?"

It's this many, exactly:



I know this because after years of seeing various thing like my Willie Nelson bandanna/flag, MCA Chicago exhibit brochure pictures, ticket stubs, Hellboy statue, autographed baseballs, and other various bric-a-brac, I finally got a reaction from my boss. It was the other week, after Billy Williams bobblehead day made the count on my desk 7. I don't work for an ad agency or search engine, so I'm clearly a cubicle outlier. He doesn't usually comment on these things, as he's more concerned with my doing my job correctly than my disturbingly childlike desk. Of course there are limits - should I start keeping a clown suit in my desk and driving a white van to work, then there might be issues. But at that point, what promotional items are on my desk really doesn't matter. But at the sight of Billy's box, he said, more disbelieving than judging "Another bobblehead?" Indeed. There was bemused head-shaking.

Now we know the answer is seven. Of course, all seven are still snug in the confines of my suburban desk. But what he doesn't know is that Fergie Jenkins bobblehead night is coming up. And I've got tickets.

Read More »»

WAIW Mad Science: Hate-Dex 2000

It's been there all season, just waiting for you every time Kevin Gregg came in with the lead. Your hate. Your rage. Your specific wishes of voodoolike misfortune upon various members of this Cubs team. Some say that real fans support everyone on their team, all the time. Bullshit. That's little league. As adults, our rollercoastering levels of emotion follow the triumph and failure of our baseball team. At least some of it - we're not sick monomaniacal freaks, after all. Anyway, WAIW has invented a system of quantifying your various pissy feelings toward the current squad: Hate-Dex 2000. BEHOLD!

- Assign any members of the 2009 Cubs that you so choose a number of hate points, from 1-100.

- On-field personnel only. I'm not looking at any "Jim Hendry - 90, Sam Zell - 5, Lou Piniella - 5" ones.

- You can choose as many or a few players as you like. You may include departed members of the '09 squad, but should that player be long gone or minimally involved, that will likely lead to ridicule ... and hemorrhoids.

- Seriously only players. No "booing fans" or "negative media coverage." Put on your man pants, Sally Mae. It's vitriol time.

- Put yours in the comments. We will aggregate Hate-Dex 2000 to form a sort of Rotten Tomoatoes or IMDB of the 2009 season.

See John and Steve's Hate-Dex 2000 submissions after the jump





Steve

Milton Bradley (Hate-Dex Rating: 22) - Every time something goes wrong, it's racism. All wrong, Milton. We hate your inability to field and bat. Need proof? See: Todd Hundley

Kevin Gregg (HDR: 13) - Perhaps I'm being too rough on him. After all, he had more blown saves last year with the Marlins. I guess that's what Hendry wanted.

Alfonso Soriano (HDR: 12) - Sucks

Aaron Miles (HDR: 11) - This was supposed to be your new DeRosa. Beating off a guy with a gun only knocks off so many Hate-Dex points. (Editor's Note: Steve, you might want to re-think the meaning of that last sentence. Beating off a guy with a gun only happens in those weird 8mm films I bought at that estate sale.)

Aaron Heilman (HDR: 8) - Just pisses me off.

Carlos Zambrano (HDR: 6) - The franchise? We're in trouble.

Geovany Soto (HDR: 6) - Shows up overweight and high. This isn't sophomore year of college, brah.

Ryan Dempster (HDR: 5) - Pitches his ass off in his contract year. Goes back to Ryan Dempster in the next.

Mike Fontenot (HDR: 5) - As much as I want to pull for him, his inability to do ... well ... just about anything, earns him 5 points in this one.

Carlos Marmol (HDR: 4) - Throw a goddam strike.

Angel Guzman (HDR: 3) - Solid as of late. But who cares when games no longer matter?

Rich Harden (HDR: 3) - Looks too much like a doofus. Yes. A doofus.

Aramis Ramirez (HDR: 2) - This is all personal. Lay off.



"Whyyyyy. Whyyyy was I never programmed to love?"

John

Milton Bradley (HDR: 18) - He thinks everyone's out to get him. This narcissistic paranoia is to a degree where I've started to believe he has nightmares about the clown from "It" when we goes to bed. It's the first time in my life that I've rooted for a clown.

Kevin Gregg (HDR: 14) - I would like to make him cry.

Alfonso Soriano (HDR: 11) - When you play through whatever pain you're experiencing and act like you're Joan of Arc fight bravely through the pain, then you'd better hit above .219.

Aaron Miles (HDR: 8) - Holy crap, I can't believe how bad he sucks. All my sucky expectations of suckitude couldn't possibly predict the sucky level of unrelenting suck that this sucking suck sucked. What a damn wiener.

Aaron Heilman (HDR: 7) - His crappy pitching makes me so mad that I lose all powers of eloc....FUCK FUCKBITCHASS FUCKING FATTY! FUCK YOU FATTY! YOU SUCK, YOU HOME RUN-GIVING FUCK! ... ution.

Mike Fontenot (HDR: 4) - Last year, we at WAIW invented the nickname "Malibu Mike," out of affection for the guy. This year, we're just using the catch-all term "Fuckface."

Carlos Marmol (HDR: 4) - He went from good filthy (that trampy but hot girl in your high school) to bad filthy (that same girl now) so fast that I'm surprised Ron Santo didn't have an infarction.

Ryan Theriot (HDR: 3) - Worst leadoff man since Adam was thrown out of the Garden of Eden.

Micah Hoffpauir (HDR: 3) - I began to suspect around mid-May that this guy couldn't hit a curveball if it were the murderer of his parents. Now that he's batting a healthy .228, I'd going to take this second to self-satisfiedly take a swig of beer.

Jeff Samardzija (HDR: 2) - I was basing this more on the douchebags in ND-colored Cubs shirts than anything else. Then I remembered his pitching.

Neal Cotts (HDR: 1) - He hasn't pitched for the Cubs in months, and just went through surgery. And yet I still want to punch him. If he decided to punch back, I'm pretty sure his fist would end up two feet above and to the left of my head.

Ryan Freel (HDR: 1) - Here for only a few minutes, but still stinking up the place. Like the a-holes who microwave leftover seafood at my work.

Ryan Dempster (HDR: 1) - I know he's going through family issues, so I'll refrain from sarcastic criticism. But damn this was a bad season.

David Patton (HDR: 1) - Just for reminding me of that movie "Powder" every time he was on the mound.

Read More »»

Cubs On A Roll!!!!!!!!!!! (sigh)

Remember: things could always be worse.

The Cubs started out the game with 8 consecutive hits, tying a Major League Record. This is sort of like the Chance card I pulled last night in Monopoly, where I won second prize in the beauty contest, earning $10. We have won 2 in a row now. This is like some sort of midget high-jump, where the bar is incredibly low. But here I am, checking out the Wild Card (8 games back, 8 hits a row: coincidence? Yes.) And of course, we are playing the Pirates. It’s like beating Jim Abbott in right-handed Rock-Paper-Scissors (rock again, eh Jim?) Oh why can’t I stop watching this team?

Some more nonsense after the jump (though I already wasted all my A-material)

I believe there was a robot in Base Wars that could move the same way

Pretty much everyone piled up on Zach Duke, with my man D. Lee’s average now at .300. Dempster got his 9^th win on the season in front of 17,000 masochistic individuals (they got a bridge though!). With the Cubs playing one more against the Pirates then the Reds, certainly a nice string of wins isn’t out of the question, which will hopefully get back in the race. But I should really know better.

Read More »»

Labor Day Weekend Recap: Baseball Played, Not Much Else of Note

If Tom Emanski were half-blind and riddled with scars from years of methamphetamine use, this is the kind of fielding he would teach

Remember my observation last week about how, despite all the failures of our season, we were still a cut above the Mets? It didn't take long for me to be proven wrong this time. Usually the universe cuts me a nice grace period before proving my idiocy, but what are you gonna do. Oh, and we also lost to the White Sox the day before that series. So really, a nice punch in the ass all the way around. Let's take a look at the superb roster of pitchers that shut down the Cubs from Thursday to Sunday:

- Carlos Torres, CHW: 2nd big league game

- Bobby Parnell, NYM: 1.63 WHIP

- Mike Pelfrey, NYM: Operates carnival rides in the offseason

- Matt Thornton, CHW: Once killed a hobo and hid the body in an oil drum

- Francisco Rodriguez, NYM: Willingly signed with the Mets

- Brian Stokes, NYM: Sniveling herald of the cosmic and terrifying Lord Galactus - also has a shitty change-up

Randy Wells gets an early start on that sophomore slump thing. He always was a quick learner

So there you have it. A single win against the Mets and an "I don't care" performance at home against the city rival. You know what sport I watched on Saturday? Soccer. On Telemundo. What hath this season wrought?

...

But you know, it could be worse.

How? Find out after the jump, intrepid reader!



Worse would be 17 losing seasons in a row. Worse actually is what the Pittsburgh Pirates are looking at. While the Cubs may have disappointed in every other conceivable way this season, they managed to close the deal on the Pirates yesterday and make Pitt the only team in major U.S. sports history with 17 losing seasons. Why even our star-crossed Cubs haven't approached that apogee of self-mutilation. What's sad is that 18 years ago, the Pirates were coming off of a 4-3 series loss in their 3rd straight NLCS. Jim Leyland promised to rebuild. Oopsy Poopsy.

Given no hope on a sinking ship of a franchise, Pirates reliever Steven Jackson does what he does best: Drops a deuce in the dugout for some reason.

Ted Lilly looked great yesterday, giving up a mere brace of runs. God knows what he's pitching for at this point, but respect to the man for doing it. The offense did ... little. Aside from Derrek Lee's 3 hits (where's your god now, Hoffpauir!?!), everyone else got either 1 or 0. That includes Fukudome, who has been sucking hard lately, dropping his average under .270 for the first time in awhile. I literally have jack shit left to root for except 12 wins for Lilly, a .270 average for Fuku, and a painful bowel obstruction for Kevin Gregg.

Take heart, Cubs fans! We may be the Lovable Losers, but we're not the Lovable Losers of 17 Seasons In a Row.

Read More »»

WAIW Roundtable 24: Redemption Song (w/ Special Celebrity Guests)

We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. This week - who will raise their game for 2010.

Ace

Oh, this is supposed to be a positive one? So I shouldn't caution about the impending Randy Wells sophomore slump?

I think Soriano will be much better next year than this - though that isn't exactly a tall task. Look for Mike Fontenot to put up better numbers in a bench role next year. He's clearly not cut out to be a full-time player, but I believe he's got enough talent to be a quality big league bench player.

Waxpaperbeercup

I'd love to answer with Soriano or Z. But I predicted Soriano would have a good second half, and how did that work out. So I'm gonna go with the safe bet. Aramis Ramirez will be healthy come 2010. He'll put up his normal numbers: 28 HR's 100 RBi. If this happens, the Cubs will be better...

Jay

There sure are a lot of bounce-back candidates on this team but I guess that's what happens when a team collectively shits the bed. I'm going to go with Alfonso Soriano as my bounce-back horse only because he's never been this bad before. It's also much more pleasant to think he'll be better next year than to think he will be the same or worse. Hopefully his knee improves over the off season and he's able to right himself. I'm looking for .281/.335/.502 from him next year, that's close to his career averages and should be very attainable. It would also be a marked improvement.

Special guests, after the jump



Hmm. It looks like I've still got some space to work with this week. Perhaps it's time to use the celebrity connections that WAIW is known for.

Dalton - Celebrity Bouncer



I'm telling you straight, it's my way or the highway. So anybody wants to walk, do it now.

...

Alright.

People who really want to have a good time won't come to a slaughterhouse. And we've got entirely too many troublemakers here. Too many forty year old felons, adolescents, power drinkers, and trustees of modern chemistry.

It's going to change.

Viktor Von Doom, MD, PhD - Ruler of Latveria



Foolish cattle! It takes 24 weeks to query Doom on his mighty, universally correct positions? Bah! Were Doom consulted in what you pathetic sheep call April, he would have told you that Aaron Heilman would suck balls. And not the mighty, world-shattering balls of Doom! NO! Regular balls, suitable only for use by that infantile Reed Richards and his cadre of superhero Aaron Miles Analogues. Were Doom consulted, a thunderous cacaphony of might would crash down upon the brows of the Cubs' mightiest opponents.

But now it's September, and you're pretty much fucked. So allow Doom to use his unquestioned powers of prediction to forespeak the coming year of competitive feats.

Aaron Miles - Crushed under Doom's mighty boot. Somehow this will make him more, not less, valuable to the team.

Aaron Heilman - Doom decrys this insect as a fatty, and were this what the retarded children of your reality call Junior high, Doom would mightily snap his Twinkie-engorged ass with a wet towel that would sunder the very fabric of reality itself.

Geovany Soto - Once Doom squeezes the governments of the world in his iron fist, Hostees Fruit Pies will be temporarily forbidden. That and forced labor will get Soto back to playing weight.

Kevin Gregg - Will disappear in fright and cowardice faster than one of Doom's world-breaking BMs from his mighty, atom-splitting colon.

Chet Stedman

Everyone will improve dramatically next year. Why? Easy ...

Read More »»

Cubs 2 - Astros 0: One More Run Than Lilly Needs

Cliff Lee got 2 of the Astros' 4 hits against Lilly. He was found this morning torn to pieces by a mysterious force.

I've spent most of the last two weeks endlessly proclaiming that even in a lost season, there are still times that being a Cubs fan is sweet. It's like I was trying to convince myself. After yesterday's game, you should at least have some idea of my meaning. The season looks like it's going to die after the regular season, but damned if listening to Ted Lilly slice through the Astros wasn't a great time.

"Heyyyyy. Quiiiiiit iiiiiiit. I'm telling mom!"

More, after the jump



Another great development was that professional leadoff crap factory Ryan Theriot was out of the lineup, replaced at the head spot by Kosuke Fukudome and on the field by Andres Blanco, who can go 1-9 fine enough by himself. Hell, Blanco got a hit and Fukudome got on base twice. Send Theriot back to being Orlando Bloom's stunt double. Other than Derrek Lee's 2-run homer, however, there wasn't much offense to be seen. Ted Lilly got 1 more hit than the 4-8 batters combined. This was, I remind you, against Felipe Paulino, whose ERA still stands at over 6.

Your offense for 9/2/09. The entire thing.

But let's forget the offense. The Cubs certainly did yesterday. Let's instead focus on the Man Himself, Theodore Roosevelt Lilly. He went a full 8 on only 105 pitches and earned his 10th win. It's a shame he won't make it to 15 wins this year, because he looked even more dominant at points this year than at any point in his Cubs career. He and Randy Wells almost make up for Z and Dempster. Marmol was kind enough to save the game after giving his customary runner up to second base. Let's hope he uses the low-pressure remainder of the season to re-find his inner filthiness.

Today: The White Sox. The stench of evil once against descends over Wrigley. Time will tell if our offense is up to the challenge.

Read More »»

Cubs 4 - Astros 1: In Which I Do Not Learn My Lesson

Awkward hugs are the best

At the 11th hour (figuratively) yesterday afternoon, I was offered free tickets to the Cubs game from a vendor. I was mere hours removed from seeing Rich Harden follow up trade rumors with a 5 run, 6 walk performance, and let it be said that I experienced what one might call a Dark Night of the Soul. Except it was afternoon. And I only had a few minutes to decide. The Cubs are dead in the water, I had a million things to do around the house, and the vibe around Cubdom seems more than a little toxic. Internal turmoil followed. But you know what? I took the tickets, went to the game, and am extremely glad that I did. I can't stop loving the Cubs, and whether it's 8 games up (2008) or 10 back (yesterday), free Cubs tickets are fucking awesome. Even this iteration of the team commands my undying loyalty. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Allow me time, if you will, for an extended and slightly disgusting metaphor.

Metaphor all up in your face, after the jump

I like to blend mine into a nice smoothie. I can eat more that way. Why can't I feel my left arm?

See, to me, the Cubs are like the nachos at Wrigley. Those nachos are fucking great - everyone loves nachos, like the Cubs, unless there is something wrong with that person (your Sox fans, StL fans, etc). Yet they carry with them great capacity for pain - pickled jalapenos for the nachos, and I don't believe I have to explain the Cubs. You see, while I'm a great fan of spicy food, something about the pickling of jalapenos doesn't agree with my system of digestification. I'm not going to get into it, because that would be both unnecessary and gross, but as with the Cubs, jalapeno nachos will always end in pain. Yet I can't give either up, and I don't really want to. Both provide moments of unparalleled joy, and both make me want to pump my fist and scream AMERICAFUCKYEAH. Last night proved to me that just as the pain is inevitable, so too is the joy. And experiencing that joy always far outshines the pain. There - metaphor over. You're welcome. Every time I go to Wrigley, I find something new and beautiful to appreciate. Last night, it was this view, which I had somehow never fully appreciated.

If this were St. Louis, these skyscrapers would all be meth labs

As much as all the stories this morning involve Randy Wells being the Cubs most consistent pitcher, things were looking sketchy during the first few innings. He was giving up baserunners like a less impressive version of Chet Stedman. But lucky breaks and persistence left him with his 10th win and a fairly impressive stat line. In addition, my two favorite players, Fuku and A-Ram, each had big RBI hits. And Marmol was filthy once more.

It's not nice to make fun of Brewers players, Aramis

Just remember, kids: If anyone ever offers you free Cubs tickets, it doesn't matter how bad things look. You fucking take them. They will be awesome.

Read More »»

Hou Cares?

With no hope for the playoffs, both teams start auditions for Dancing With The Stars

This has been the hardest year for me as a Cubs fan. I really haven’t found anything to like about this team, and they certainly haven’t been winning, which makes even the most unlikeable (ahem Milton Bradley) player enjoyable. What is unfortunate is that I haven’t been able to stop caring. Every game I feel the need to watch, or, if unable to watch, check the score on my Blackberry as frequently as the Kevin Bacon shows his penis. Even this past weekend, in which I was on vacation, I had to check the score every time I got a signal and even felt the need to stream the audio from my phone to my car stereo (i.e. me refreshing repeatedly while swerving at 90 MPHs). So naturally, as soon as I got home last night, I turned on the game and was sucked in to another 3 hour journey of no hope.

More depression, after the jump.

Hop on the Cardinals bandwagon!

In an awful twist of fate from the first half of the season, the starting pitching has been awful with the bullpen picking up the slack. I guess awful may be a relative term, but if we are over 3 runs behind, we are not coming back to win. This is no Grimm’s tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady will not win this race. The Cardinals are not going to stop and go around in circles not knowing which way the ending line is (unless La Russa’s driving).

Tejada pulled his hammy, much like every time John had to run in softball - ba-zing!

Unfortunately for me, we have been able to remain close enough to the Wild Card to keep me coming back. I will watch tonight, and should we win, I will go on my “now if the Rockies and Giants keep on losing and the Cubs can win 5 in a row, HOT DAMN!” tangent. Oh well, I didn’t become a Cubs fan for it to be easy.

Read More »»