Diamondbacks 10 - Cubs 0: Tarnation!

It's a bad feeling when you can't even hate on the team that beats you in an important series. Does anyone actually feel animosity toward the Diamondbacks right now (COI aside)? I don't. I feel like all they did was take advantage of a Cubs team inept enough to give me visceral flashbacks to my childhood. I mean, sweet holy crap are we playing poorly. Does anyone need a recap of yesterday's game? Tough shit, because when it got to 7-0 on the back of yet more inept bullpen work, I decided to rifle through my DVDs and watch the softball episode of The Simpsons. That's what men do when times get tough - they watch cartoons. Allow me some observations, as well as my last opportunity to remind everyone that It's Just April (TM).



- With every passing day, the Mark DeRosa trade makes less sense. Fontenot can't get out to a good start playing out of position, Miles can't ... do anything, and we've been exposed for a complete lack of infield depth. That's something we certainly didn't have at this time last year.

- We are, so far, missing that spark that used to bring us from behind mid-way to late in games last year. Is anyone else starting to feel that 3-0 is becoming an insurmountable barrier? Really, only the middle Cardinals game at Wrigley saw our boys come back and gut out a tough win on a razor's edge.

- A few starts in, Ryan Dempster seems to have turned back into Clark Kent. He's still a decent starter, but that sub-3 ERA may just be a happy memory.

- Bandwagon feels lighter these days, doesn't it?

- The white flag of surrender has a name - and that name is David Patton.

- I know that maybe you're looking for a little comfort here, but it's not my place to spin and dispense useless platitudes. We're all grown ups, and this calls for ... OHMYGOSH LOOK! PUPPIES! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!

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Cubs Back On Track To Shut You The Hell Up

Your 2009 Chicago Cubs, proudly sponsored by Sure Deodorant 

As we've mentioned before, Tuesday nights are quiz nights for the WAIW crew.  What can we say, we have a proverbial hard-on for showing off our knowledge on obscure Bobby Brown references.  This Tuesday, we were the proud sponsors of a round concerning baseball knowledge, giving the beloved koozies away for the team with the most points (shout out to Gunner and his badassness, for winning in the Baseball Thunderdome).  This being said, much of the game was viewed through the eyes of discussing 2008 Pop Culture references (9 out of 10, thank you – and without much focus on the minutiae of the game (special shout-out needs to go to Joe Kilgallon, the tremendous host of the Quiz Night at O’Shaughnessy’s and WAIW favorite).  Of course, when you are putting on an ass-kicking, not much needs to be seen.

When in doubt, let Richard Dean Andersen calm those jangled nerves

All in all, a good game for the Cubs.  The offense found their stride and the pitching found the zone.  John and I were talking about how ridiculous it was people were panicking about the state of the Cubs 18 games in with half the All-Stars injured.  It is like worrying that MacGyver won’t be able to disable the bomb despite the fact that he only has 4 Blow Pops, a Skip-It and a curling iron – it makes no sense because in the long run, they will prevail.  So, while RDA may have let us down in other roles, let's focus on the MacGyver aspect of this team, and know they are too good to let it all blow up. 

Theriot's play has been slightly off due to the giant hemroid growing out of his ass

With the Cubs winning 11-3, I hope they can get into a rhythm.  They have another game against the struggling Diamondbacks tomorrow before coming back home for a 4 game weekend set against the forever-hated Marlins.  Pick up this road series, and the Cubs can set this back on track.  Lose the series…its still April, dammit, calm down.

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Diamondbacks 7 - Cubs 2: Forget About All That Nonsense

Clearly some sort of Lilly impostor

Sorry - still not worried. Dan Haren often pitches like a motherfucking beast, and when you're as short as Malibu Mike, hits are bound to go over your head as often as a clever comment goes over a Sox fan's. Lilly looked bad, which history tells us should mean a tough, focused outing the next time around against the Fish and some dude name Annabelle.

"You know, Soriano, if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer." WHAP! "Why'd you hit yourself?" Classic.

Do any of you remember how bad things were in 2007? We had to put up a record-setting June just to gain ground on a Brewers team that was in firm possession of first (that's how you know it was a loooong time ago). Be patient with your team - Soto isn't up to snuff yet, Bradley has hardly played, and Ramirez has been in and out of the lineup. These are things that will soon change, things we can deal with. If you can't wait that out, then clearly you weren't around for the Cubs teams of my childhood. I'll take sucking for weeks over sucking for years any time. Here are 10 things to look forward to:



1. Milton Bradley, believe it or not, will most likely go on a tear at some point. And when that man is on, he's one of the top 5 hitters in the game. It will be great and fearsome, like a Rosie O'Donnell bikini waxing.

2. Ted Lilly, last night aside, has started much hotter than he has in the previous two years. And that's after the WBC, which, if MLB GMs inform me correctly, is a process by which top players are thrown into potoato sacks and beaten about the knees and shoulders with tire irons. He's on track for a great year if he can keep this up.

3. (Knocking on wood) Rich Harden has been lights out and problem free (Knocking on wood)

4. Soto should start hitting any day now. If he can't, or if (like like night showed) he's not fully ready to be behind the plate every day, Koyie Hill has looked miles ahead of where he was last year. By the way, I think it's hilarious how our superstars go down with groin, shoulder, and arm injuries, while our backup catcher can survive sawing his damn hand off.

5. Hoffpauir looks like a bona-fide major league hitter. Just please don't let him play the outfield.

6. Soriano is having the sort of April he's never had with the Cubs. Maybe the Bradley signing was all an elaborate plan to distract fan attention to another oft-injured slugger. Now that Fonzie's under the radar, he's going to hit something like .456 with 50 home runs.

7. Whatever Jim Hendry saw in Aaron Heilman after his awful 2008 with the Mets, it appears to have been a good hunch.

8. Jeff Samardzija is back in the big league pen, so prepare for another exciting season of ugly jokes.

9. No dominance early on means no Jim Belushi. Sweet relief!

10. Matt Sinatro is still looking mad sexy at first base.

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Cubs Media Monday: One of our Own

Look at this rock star

John sort of buried this news in the Roundtable story, so I feel for this week's CMM, I need to make sure the proper recognition is given.  John helped out the guys at Ivy Envy on a recent podcast, and, despite some sound issues, it is a good time.  So for those of you that feel like slacking off at work for a little bit, give it a listen here, and hear the joy that is the smooth sound of John's voice. 

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Weekend Recap: Now is the Time for Unreasoned Panic

Dempster participates in a rousing game of Pogs with Molina

If you were to gauge how this weekend went solely from the reaction of the Chicago sports media, you might perhaps think that we were swept on a 45-3 aggregate, and that a meteor hit Wrigley Field. Injuries cast a pall over the proceedings, but the truth is that the Cubs lost a heartbreaker, gave away a chance on Saturday, and then put in an ass-kicking of their own to save an game Sunday. Not ideal, but I'm not jumping off this ship - the bandwagon seems to be lighter, however. Strangely enough, Fukudome's consistent hitting and Rich Harden's healthy shoulder salvaged some of the weekend for our Boys in Blue.

Good old Charlie Brown hasn't aged very well

Friday saw an Albert Pujols steal set up the winning run in the bottom of the 8th. I'm quickly beginning to hate Ryan Ludwick most, now that Ankiel is off the elephant hormones and back to hitting like crap. The Cubs had their chances, but were unable to salvage Dempster's decent outing (6.0 IP, 7H, 3ER). Heilman looked good, and Marmol broke himself temporarily while taking the loss. The real story of the day was Alfonso Soriano hitting 3rd, a role he played to a combined 1-8 over Friday and Saturday. Add Lou's tinkering to the unfortunate injuries, and you have a perfect storm of Cubs fan panic before April is over.

"Here, let me take that before you hurt yourself with it."

Saturday, we have to be honest, was the least-scrutinized game of this series. The memory of the game ... well, it tails off near the end. One thing that is unfortunately burned into memory is the sight of David Patton slinging a fat pitch down the middle of the plate to Albert Pujols with the bases loaded with the Cubs trailing by 2. Game over, man. Game over.


With the threat of a sweep, the Cubs jumped all over Todd Wellemeyer for 6 runs (5 earned) in five innings. The Kosuke Fukudome show (3-4, 5 RBI on his 32nd birthday) continued on, testing the limits of how long I can hold my breath and hope that nothing changes. Who expected that Fuku would be carrying the lineup for stretches as Soto, Bradley, and the entire 2nd base platoon whiffed through April?

Derrek Lee left the game with neck spasms after hitting a double to the wall, inciting more hysterical panic than a witch in 17th century Massachusetts. Soriano was (and will forever be) back at the top of the lineup. I'm willing to accept that. He even remained in the game after taking a pitch to the helmet in the 2nd, which at this point is not what we would expect.

Healthier than half our team ... whoa

Rich Harden ran his record to 2-1 with 9 Ks in 6 innings and one retaliatory fastball to the ass of Albert Pujuols. The bullpen was again shaky (Heilman notwithstanding), with Cotts sucking in a non-pressure situation (1H, 1BB, 1ER, 5.40 ERA) and Kevin Gregg giving up a solid leadoff hit and a bloop before a fortuitous double play bailed him out.

Right in the ass! Ha!

I'm not panicking - this Cubs team is insanely talented and hopefully able to win through adversity. But just for fun, let's take a look at the injured list:

- Derrek Lee (Neck spasms)
- Milton Bradley (Strained groin, hyperextended feelings)
- Aramis Ramirez (Football in the Groin)
- David Patton (Night Terrors)
- Geovany Soto (WBC HPV)
- Neal Cotts (Acute Littlegirlarm)

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WAIW Salute: Bea Arthur

Here at WAIW, we're unabashed devotees of the Golden Girls canon - the show itself, the crappy spinoff, the awful, awful movies that the cast appeared in. All of it. To the point where we've sort of made it our thing to be the only Cubs blog that runs Golden Girls obituaries.

Thank you for Bea-ing a friend

So it is with no little amount of sadness that we inform you today of the passing of Bea Arthur. She played Dorothy, the mean bastard of the bunch. A sort of lanky, female post-menopausal Lou Piniella, if you will. Her sarcasm was an early influence on WAIW's own "sarcastic and bitter" ethos. If you've never seen her reading of Pamela Anderson's erotic novel as part of her roast, then you're missing all sorts of sunshine and rainbows. Catch it after the jump.

So there you have it. I probably should have mentioned to stop before 5:50, where Bea Arthur saying "reach around" will inspire entirely new classes of night terrors. Take a moment today to remember a woman whose cynicism will be instantly recognizable to anyone who has cheered on the Boys in Blue.

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WAIW Pub Crawl: The Recap of Ridiculousness

For any of you that checked yesterday, you may have noticed some intense live-blogging going on.  I will now add a little flavor to what I was talking about.

Posted by Steve at 1:27 PM .1st beers at luckys. Hot as hell. Better drink faster.

Party started in the front of Lucky's.  It was inexplicably quite crowded.  Must be the Man vs. Food crowd. For some reason, it was so hot for some unknown reason.

Posted by Steve at 1:39 PM .

Wolfie just showed up. Time for ridiculousness.

Regular WAIW visitor Wolfie showed up.  Little did he know he would soon be eating a one pound sandwhich with John's parents.  Hey, it's a family affair over here at WAIW.

Posted by Steve at 2:07 PM .

John: this is chris, he comments on our blog.

Chris: its what I do!!! (Jazz hands)

Every person that showed up, John would introduce Chris (aka Wolfie) as a guy that comments on the blog, as if that is the only thing he does.

Posted by Steve at 2:11 PM .

Tracy just made me honorable wall paper on phone while doing my blog dance. Best day ever.

A picture of me in my snazzy pub crawl shirt made our friend Tracy's phone wallpaper.  Needless to say, I was proud.

Posted by Steve at 2:14 PM .

"Cover your bases" because they never got to second base with a women. BURN!

This is in reference to the other bar crawl going on in Wrigley.  They had a crapload of people and corporate sponsorships.  Lame.  Needless to say we ridiculed anyone in that shirt.

Posted by Steve at 2:19 PM .

Losers (including John) are discussing public policy. This bar crawl is a bust.

John wanted my to live-blog this to prove how intellectual we are.  I thought it sounded quite lame.

Posted by Steve at 2:26 PM .

Jen: I'm not sure I can drink 9 beers in 9 innings.

John's mom: I shouldn't have had 9 before the game

Our friend Jen was a little nervous about her ability to keep up over the course of the game.  John's mom quickly put her in her place.

Posted by Steve at 2:32 PM .

Outside at dark horse. Free sunglasses on.

John's sister, Sarah, gave me these sweet sunglasses.  They worked out nicely for the 8 minutes of sunlight we had.  

Posted by Steve at 2:47 PM . Saturday, April 25, 2009

Emily saved my life from falling down the ledge / cliff / no one else has suggestions.

One of the legs on my chair was very close to falling off of a ledge outside at Dark Horse.  It could've ended in disaster.

Posted by Steve at 3:19 PM .

Warning!!!!!!! Next bar soooooooon!

A messagfe for all those people that are, ya know, looking on the blog for updates prior to leaving.  Dumbass.

Posted by Steve at 3:20 PM .

These assholes are watching the penquins.

Somehow we overlooked the fact the The Dark Horse is a Pittsburgh Penquins bar, with almost every TV on the playoff game.  We got them to take the time to set up the outdoor projectors for us, which took a good 20 minutes, only to have us not be able to see anything due to the ambiant light.  Additionally, as soon as we left it started pouring rain again.  Oops.

Posted by Steve at 3:44 PM .

She painted the pussy black

This is in reference to that sweet cat that was brought along, which turned into quite the hit.  Shoutout to Laura and Leslie for their contribution!

Posted by Steve at 3:54 PM .

"I like watching track and field on TV...it makes me feel like I'm exercising."

For some reason, Merkle's had a TV on that was showing classic track and field instead of the Cubs.

Posted by Steve at 3:55 PM .

"Fuck that guy."

John wanted to leave with 2 outs in the inning (which grew into the norm).  Instead, we started a 40 person chant and point saying "Fuck that guy" over and over.

Posted by Steve at 4:01 PM .

Mexican sombraro and hawaiian shirt: totally necessary.

Agreed.

Posted by Steve at 4:12 PM .

Got hit by a ball in the batting cages. Then earned 3 tickets in skee ball. Love sluggers!!!!!

I was, for some reason, standing on top of the plate and searching for where the mechanical arm was coming from.  Naturally, I got hit by a pitch.  I'm all that is man.

Posted by Steve at 4:16 PM .

Leslie has a libido like you wouldn't believe.

Enough said.

Posted by Steve at 4:36 PM .

I will crush your toes, asshole.

Hopefully someone can shed some light onto what this means in the comments section.

Posted by Steve at 4:50 PM . Saturday, April 25, 2009

Got dugout to open just for us. Ridiculous.

My friend Meghan left Harry Caray's to go to the next bar, The Dugout, to get a head start.  She came back and told me that Dugout was closed.  This will not stand, man.  I went over there, and knocked on the door.  Three guys were sitting at the bar and said that they were closed.  I told them that I had contacted them saying we will be here and they said that we had responded saying all bars were already full.  I then said that we weren't that asshole corporate one, and if he will open, he will have 40 people spend a couple hundred bucks in twenty minutes and then leave. Needless to say, this worked.  We slammed the bar, played some flip cup, and went on our merry way.  Thanks to the Dugout for making it possible!

Posted by Steve at 4:58 PM .

Get yours assssss up!

I suppose it was time to get yours assssss up.

Posted by Steve at 5:45 PM .

Fuck leslie.

Sorry, Leslie.

Posted by Steve at 6:02 PM 

Matt pissed.

I'm not sure if Matt was upset or if he went to the bathroom.

Posted by Steve at 6:44 PM .

You are my dream son in law.

Not really sure.  I'm going to assume it was said by John's mom.  Or I said it for John's mom.  Either way, I agree.

Posted by Steve at 7:55 PM .

FucKin kiv e bloggin

Sloppy!

Posted by Steve at 8:40 PM .

Jack andf coke deqak woth it.

I think Jack and cokes were on special, those the deal (or "deqak") was worth (or "woth") it.

Posted by Steve at 8:51 PM .

Fuckin wasted

This is what happens at the 8 hour point.

Posted by Steve at 10:31 PM .

We want thai food.

Unfortunately, it is 10:31 PM. 

Posted by Steve at 10:45 PM .

Salt n pepper winding down the evening. Soup of the day: tomato.

Went to the diner after Bernie's.  I hadn't eaten for 13 hours, and was starving.  Evidently, the soup of the day was tomato.

Posted by Steve at 10:56 PM . Saturday, April 25, 2009

Hey frera jacquis, come to back to america.

John, explain this to me. 

That sums it up.  Thanks to everyone that came out.  We had a great time and hope you did too!

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