Interesting People: Ted Butterman, Cubs Dixieland Band leader

Interesting People is a new irregular feature that talks with the people who make up the fabric of Cubdom. It's also the worst-named feature on the site. Oh well.

Today's interviewee is Ted Butterman, leader of the Cubs Dixieland band. If you sit in the seats that I do (500 and 200 section), chances are you've seen Ted and his rotating cast of uniformed Dixieland players. They're up and down the aisles around the park at pretty much every home game, and have belted out hundreds of jazz classics for millions of fans since their start in 1982. They also make appearances at Cubs convention, promotional events, and private parties. They're as much a part of our Cubs experience as sun-warmed Old Style, booming-voiced program hawkers, and neon green relish. Ted was kind enough to answer our questions via e-mail.


Wasting Away in Wrigleyville: When and how did you become a Cubs fan?

Ted Butterman: I first became a Cubs fan when my dad took me to Wrigley Field when I was five years old. It stuck.

WAIW: Who is your all-time favorite Cubs player?

TB: My all time favorite Cubs player was Bill Nicholson, power hitting right fielder from 1939 to 1948 and then with the Phillies from 1949 through 1953. The link tells you why I'm a big fan of his.

WAIW: How did you come up with the idea for a Cubs band?

TB: The idea is not original. King Oliver, early jazz great, had a band that played at Comiskey Park in 1930 and beyond. The Brooklyn Dodgers had a quasi-Dixieland band at Ebbets Field for yours in the '40s and '50s called the Sym-phony.

WAIW: How did you approach the team about playing at games?

TB: I called the Cubs many times in February of 1982 with my idea only to be rejected each time. I persisted and kept calling until I was finally contacted by Buck Peden of the Marketing Department and asked to come in for an audition. It was held in the concourse under the stands in front of what is now the main gate gift shop and viewed by many from the Marketing Dept. which included Buck, Bing Hampton, Valentine Judge, Mary Beth Hughes, and others who time has erased from my memory. Having passed the audition we were invited to play the last Spring Training exhibition game before the 1982 season began at Wrigley Field against the White Sox. As fate would have it the game was snowed out. Our first game was on April 9, 1982.

WAIW: How do you choose your playlist, and what's your favorite to play?

TB: Here's a partial list of the songs we play. Our complete list approaches seven hundred. There's no way I can pick a favorite. I love most of them. We usually don't decide on what tune to play, as we make our rounds, until maybe a minute or so before we play then. Whoever comes up to us with a suggestion, we usually do it.

WAIW: What's your game day routine?

TB: We start an hour and a half before each game and play for an hour; a half hour at the Harry Caray statue and the second half hour by the main gate. We then take a break and resume when the game begins. We usually start in the Bleachers and then graduate to the right field stands (some days the lower boxes and other days the upper boxes which used to be called the grand stands). Other days we play the upper deck. Every half inning we move a section or two until we end up having circumnavigated the park, ending up in left field.

WAIW: Since 1982, you've seen some good Cubs teams, and more than a few not so good ones. What were your impressions of the '84, '89, '98, '03, '07, and '08 teams?

TB: After you've performed at over two thousand games in twenty-eight years it all becomes a blur. My favorite year is always the next one.

WAIW: What changes have you seen in the neighborhood since 1982?

TB: I think the neighborhood is the same, only there's more of it. More restaurants and bars, that's all. If anything, the neighborhood has gentrified in the past ten years. The people are the same, only the faces change.

WAIW: Do you see a big change in the crowds during years the Cubs are contending versus when they're not?

TB: I notice little difference in the crowds from year to year, win or lose. The experience is the thing. As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet (though in an obviously different context), "The play's the thing." Hopefully we play a part of the ambience of the park.

WAIW: Do you have a favorite game you've played?

TB: I have no favorite game that the band's played. Each game has its own components, and no two games in the history of baseball have been exactly the same, so I like them all.

WAIW: What's your favorite Cubs memory?

TB: My favorite Cubs memory is the game between the Cincinnati Reds and the Cubs in August of 1947. The unhittable Reds ace Ewell "the Whip" Blackwell, a sidearm-throwing righty, faced Cubs southpaw ace Johnny Schmitz. Blackwell was like a right-handed Randy Johnson. With the score tied 1-1 in the bottom of the ninth, Bill Nicholson hit a game-winning home run into the right field bleachers.

WAIW: What do you think of our chances to win it all in 2009?

TB: If the Cubs stay healthy there's no reason they can't emulate last year and hopefully go further into the playoffs.

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Backup Catcher Thunderdome: Gabye, Gabor

In a titanic clash of the men most likely to hit below .200, Koyie "Jazz Hands" Hill bested Gabor Paul Bako II for the right to scratch himself on the bench while the 2008 NL Rookie of the Year goes out and does his thing. Not that I can cast stones - being the 5th outfielder for a suburban freshman high school baseball team is about the height of my athletic prowess. And perhaps the backup catcher battle is not even as dramatic as I make it sound, but it bugs Steve that I frequently use the term Thunderdome, so here we are. Blame Paul Bako has claimed victory. Enjoy Gabor and Jazz Hands' numbers, with the usual caveat that Spring Training numbers don't mean anything:

Bako: 32 AB, 12H, 4R, 2HR

Hill: 42 AB, 16H, 8R, 2HR

I don't really see what made Lou choose Hill over Bako. I assumed that the reason he was brought on was to provide a veteran presence behind the plate and in the dugout. Koyie Hill, even though he's 30, doesn't really offer the same range of experience that Bako does. It's hard to pin this on anything except saving a few hundred thousand (no small amount to us proletarians, but a tiny percentage of our team payroll). We could have sent Hill back to the minors, where he's inexplicably a hitting superstar, and kept Bako, but we can't do things the other way around. Now you have to wonder who in the minors gets the backup call should Soto or Hill go down. Wellington Castillo is nowhere near ready to be a big-league catcher, and Jake Fox just isn't qualified to be behind the plate. Hopefully Soto catches a Hundley-like (the good one) number of games, and this all becomes academic. Gabor, we hardly knew ye.

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Cubs Media Monday: TO BE A WINNER!

These advertising wizards made immovable objects appear to be incredibly action packed.  And I fell for it.

For some reason, as a kid, I found Starting Lineup action figures to be amazing and I bought as many as my modest allowance would allow.  I remember having dozens of these things, but trying to recall what I actually did with them boggles my mind.  If you recall, they were on a base so they could stand, but none of the parts actually moved.  So beyond neatly arranging them on the cardboard paper baseball diamond, and then re-arranging them with ridiculous hilarity (Joe Carter as catcher?!  Oh, Starting Lineup, you have let my imagination run wild!), there was very little point to these as actual toys.
That being said, listening to that song makes me want to go buy some more.  Sounding like it was originally written for the Zack Attack as a follow-up to Friends Forever, it has all the ingredients of a catchy number that will inevitably be stuck in your head for the next hour.  

To be a winner,Be strong, be ready to fight!To be a winner,Be fast, command the spotlight.

Bam!  I want to be a winner! I think my favorite part is that the number 1 selling point the announcer is emphasising is "detailed uniforms."  The most exciting prospect is that they have placed the team's logo and individuals name and number on them.  Is there anyway that someone can make something more mundane sound so totally awesome?  

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Gregg Named Closer, Local "G" Manufacturer Reportedly Thrilled

This image inspires nothing but confidence in our closer

It is being reported that Kevin Gregg has been named the closer over Carlos Marmol, which I personally find disappointing.  I know both have had good Springs, but we here at WAIW are unabashedly pro-Marmol.  I think Marmol deserves at shot at closer, and will undoubtedly get his opportunity, whether it is this year our not.  That being said, these leaves us with one of the filthiest set-up men in the league.  While I'm sure opinions will be split, I will hold my ultimate judgment once I get to see more of Gregg in action. 

Back to March Madness, enjoy your Sunday.

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WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable - Inaugural Edition

We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. Today's topic - players who dashed our hopes:

With Opening Day approaching, everyone in the Cubs blogosphere is making their predictions for 2009. A few are destined to be dead wrong. John thought LaTroy Hawkins was a great pickup in 2004. Steve once saw Hee Seop Choi as the future of 1^st base for the Cubs. Who is the Cubs player you thought would be great, but ended up falling on his face? It doesn’t have to be something you’ve put on your blog – maybe you were so taken with Corey Patterson’s return, you went out and bought his jersey in 2004. Maybe you believed Mark Prior as recently as his 7^th comeback attempt. What’s the biggest Cubs player whiff to which you’ll admit?

Jen

Ah, Nom-ah

One would think a man who routinely bangs an Olympic athlete would have an impervious groin. One thought this so emphatically in the summer of 2004 that she risked her rent money to torment her Bostonian boss about his Red Sox trading their fleshy gold to her team and that alas, the Sox would not be meeting the Cubs in the '04 World Series. (Technically correct.)

The Nomar Garciaparra four-way seemed to be a work of genius. Little did we know that the trade announcement would be the most enthusiasm Nomar could generate while in a Cubs' uni. The former batting champion's .283 contributed only 20 RBIs in the Cubs' chase to the '04 playoffs. Re-signed in 2005, the five-time All Star played a whopping 62 games after his faulty groin took him out only three weeks into the season.

Nomar received an honorary World Series ring from the Red Sox in '04. After his injury-laden 2005 on the Cubs, he went on to become a six-time All Star as the NL's Comeback Player of the Year for the Dodgers in '06. Meanwhile, I was stuck with a Cubs jersey that stretched "Garciaparra" from elbow-to-elbow, a plate full of rotten crow to eat and the nauseating sensation akin to a groin injury of my own.

Oh, and Matt Murton.

- Jen blogs about the Boys in Blue and her heartbreak over the Mark DeRosa trade at Cub Blogging.

Joe Aiello

I'm gonna go the other way on this one. Last year I came out and said that Geo would not have nearly as productive a season as Houston prospect J.R. Towles. Let's just say I botched that one big time, not that I regret being wrong on it. Towles hit .137 in 146 at bats and has forced the 'Stros to get Pudge as the starter for this season. Geo seems to be headed toward being one of the best catchers in the game. That, my friends, is why I quit projecting.

- Joe has been running The View From the Bleachers since 2003, and was the good kind of wrong in this case.

Wrigleyville

That's very simple: Before the 2007 season, I traded for Mark Prior in our keeper fantasy baseball league. He hasn't thrown a major league pitch since.

- Wrigleyville is the head of Wrigleyville23, which posts more entires in a day than we did the entire month of February.

Corey

Opening Day 1994 happened to fall during the Spring Break of my Junior year of High School. Looking back at the starting line-up, you can see why I was so excited to see Tom Trebelhorn and the Cubs start this season against the Mets. This team included Sandberg, Grace, Dunston and Sosa. However, the team also consisted of Rick Wilkins, Steve Buechele, Derrick May, Glenallen Hill and Jose Hernandez. The pitching staff was even more depressing with a starting rotation that included Willie Banks, Anthony Young and Kevin Foster. It's no surprise that the Cubs were below .500 the entire season and ended up in last place during this strike-shortened season.

However, there was a glimmer of hope that Opening Day. There was a young Center Fielder that was acquired the year before from the Astros. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes was batting lead-off and homered off Doc Gooden in the first Cubs at-bat of the season. He homered again in the 3rd and yet again in the 5th. Tuffy drew a walk in the 6th and singled in his last at-bat in the bottom of the 9th. Despite Tuffy's 4-4, 3HR performance, the Cubs lost to the Mets 12-8.

Now put yourself in the mind of 16 year old kid. Who cares that Tuffy had been drafted ten years prior and hadn't amounted to anything? This guy was the future! He would set up shop in Center Field at Wrigley for years to come. Sandberg, Grace, Sosa, Dunston, Rhodes. This is the year!

Friends, I was wrong. Tuffy went on to hit five more homeruns in his entire MLB career, which essentially ended at the end of the season. However, Tuffy did experience success in Japan, hitting 442 homeruns over 12 years. In 2006, Tuffy was signed to a minor league contract by the Reds, but was released during Spring Training. I was way wrong.

- Corey covers the Cubs at Ivy Envy, which currently sports a regular podcast and a bitchin' Jheri curl faceoff between Sammy Sosa and the Hawk.

Ginger Russ

It seems every year Cub fans are exposed to that new kid who is going to do great things for the club. It seems like only yesterday I was yelling at Eric Patterson playing in center field at Hohokam that he was better than his brother and would be the player we all thought his brother would be. And then of course there was Matt Murton. No one really thought he would do great things for the Cubs (besides the very obvious folks at Thunder Matt's Saloon) except for me. Being a ginger myself, I had to root for the kid.

But it seems every year I put more stock into those veteran players the Cubs acquire that I think will push them towards a WS title, only to be traded away a couple years later. Think Fred "The Crime Dog" McGriff, Juan, "JP" Pierre, and even Fukudome last year (wait, he's still on the team? I thought we traded him to Japan). So when on a hot summer evening in July of 2004 I heard on my car radio that the Cubs had acquired Nomar Garciaparra from the BoSox, I was ecstatic.

And so was everyone else in Chicago it seemed. Number five jerseys started flying off the shelves. The Cubs were in leading the Wild Card race and this would put them over the top. Nomar ended up having a okay end of the year with the Cubs, going .297/.364/.455, but it in the mind of many Cub fans, this one included, it was hardly good enough as the Cubs failed to the playoffs that year.

The next year expectations for Nomar were again high, but the oft-injured Garciaparra would again find himself on the disabled list for more than 3 months after a left groin pull sidelined him early in the season. He would finish the season playing in only 62 games that year and ending with a .283/.320/.452, the worst of his career since his debut in 1996.

The next year saw Nomar return to his All-Star self, only with the Dodgers, not the Cubs. This off-season, rumors flew that Nomar was considering signing a cheap, minor league deal to return again with the Cubs, but this was squashed as he has reunited with his buddy and mine, Matt Murton (who was actually the better part of that original trade to the Cubs), with the A's for a surprising $1 million contract.

OR...

The slightly less wordy, more "edgy" version:

GFY Nomar! What kind of name is that anyway? What, it's your Dad's name backwards? How fucking stupid! So yeah, remember when you used to be awesome and played on that BoSox team before everyone in world loved them? And then you came to the Cubs...and SUCKED! I could have sworn that everyone in the park after the month of July in 2004 had a number 5 jersey. We loved you. And what did you do? NOTHING! We were leading the Wild Card deep into September, and then we couldn't even make it to the playoffs. Next year we said, like always. But we had Nomar. Then you pulled your groin and were out for more than 3 months. WTF!?! Thanks a lot. Thanks for using your one "full" season with the Cubs to have the worst of your career. Then you were gone and 3 million Chicagoans had to burn their jersey with the longest name ever on it. To top it off, we thought you might return this season, and I thought I could love again. But instead you reunited with Thunder Matt in Oakland for the tune of $1 million. And so the world turns.

- Ginger Russ is a member of the College of Idiots, and a proud WAIW koozie owner. He gave us two choices for his contribution, and we clearly couldn't decide.

Ace

Ah, the "stud" pitching prospects through the years. I loved so many of them - completely non-sexually and completely irrationally. Sergio Mitre - who was actually not terrible for a half season with the Marlins - is probably my greatest mistake. I was all over him from the moment he was called up to fill in, straight from AA in 2003 when he was just 22. At the time, he was largely an unknown, and it was something of a surprise that he got the call. But the kid had moxie, and a wonderful sinker. I was convinced he would become a middle of the rotation mainstay for the Chicago Cubs.

Oops.

Me fail.

- Ace comes to us via Bleacher Nation, where he watches Rich Harden's shoulder with the rapt attention of an ICU physician.

Do you have a Cubs blog, and want to take part in the WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable? Send us an e-mail (acubsblog@gmail.com).

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And We're the Sarcastic and Bitter Ones?

I'm struggling for things to write about today - but at least I didn't come up with this bullshit. But hey, everyone can have a bad day, right? And then spend their time running a bracket extrapolating on that day when you decided to be a thunderdouche. But let's look at Steve Rosendouche's last bunch of headlines, going backward. You'll hardly be able to tell I've made one up:

Wednesday

- Look at that: Actual professionalism from the Bulls
("The professionalism part stuck out for me because the unprofessionalism in the once-proud uniform has stuck out for the last couple years.")

- Cubs want more night games; fans want more night wins
("But what do you expect from a guy who brings in a priest to bless the dugout before last year’s postseason? And how did that work out for you?")

Tuesday

- Bears-Packers - nothing says prime-time like two non-playoff teams
("NBC wants the Chicago market and loves the rivalry, so the network figures it’s better to get that game at the beginning of the season when nobody knows how bad those teams will be.")

- Schilling never would've fit in with the Cubs because he always seemed to win in October
("One barometer used by many voters is whether a candidate for enshrinement was the dominant player of his era. It has tended to be a barometer measured in the vacuum of regular-season stats, totally ignoring why that regular season is played and, worse, totally ignoring the real payoff after that, right, Cubs fans?")

Monday

- Cubs closer job still open until Lou Piniella decides to open himself to second-guessing
("Piniella talked about the jigsaw puzzle that is a pitching staff, a guy for the seventh inning, the eighth, the ninth. Makes sense. What Piniella probably won’t factor in because he can’t quantify is a warm-weather pitcher from a franchise that draws so badly, it introduces the starting lineup and each fan by name. Gregg then would come into bitter Chicago cold early on and be asked to mollify a full house of what could quickly become bitter Cubs fans. See Mel Rojas and Antonio Alfonseca for details.")
This might have made more sense in the days when ball clubs were mainly comprised of local talent. You know, the 19th century.

Sunday

- Dear diary: Today I tightened the belt one more notch while I touched myself to December 1987's Tiger Beat. Sometimes I slam my hand in the car door just to feel something. Oh, and what is Lou Piniella thinking?

There you are dear readers - a disturbing picture of a man who clearly hates himself as much as he loves the unblemished, alabaster skin of a young Corey Haim. Remember how I talked about White Sox fans fixating more on the Cubs and negative crap than they do on their own team? I think we've found patient zero. I had to go back to March 10 to find a headline about his beloved Sox. Lo and behold, the headline and copy was missing its usual lazy bitchiness. Behold Chicago's greatest reason to read blogs instead of the Trib. Read his writings in the handicapped stall at a truck stop near you.

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WAIW Pub Crawl - Update and New Details

Now its super-official. 

As previously announced, we have elected to host a pub crawl by our favorite institution. We have chosen to do this during an away game on Saturday, April 25 against the douchebag Cardinals and the rules are simple: we will go to a different bar for every inning of the game.  

Bar order as follows:  

Pre-Game - Lucky Sandwich Co. - As featured on Man vs. Food, we figured this would be a good place to set a base for excessive drinking. We will meet here at 2 and stay here until the first pitch at 3:10.  

1st Inning - The Dark Horse - A nice little bar that has a special place in our heart as they have kept reasonable prices during game days. That's living the High Life.  

2nd Inning - Merkle's - Named for the infamous Merkle's Boner (don't be dirty), the play that is credited for allowing the Cubs to win the 1908 Series. We feel it is an excellent place to celebrate heritage and make Poo-Holes jokes.  

3rd Inning - Mullen's - Every birthday has been spent here, one in which I ordered a triple grey goose and red bull because they had a $20 minimum on cards and I only wanted one drink. We will take over their alley which now features a projection screen and rock.

4th Inning - Slugger's - Drunken batting cages, enough said.  

5th Inning - Harry Caray's - The service sucks and its a tourist trap, but goddammit, its Harry Caray's. Plus, their big screen is incredible.  

6th Inning - The Dugout - A personal favorite of all those that love really shitty bars. It will remind you of a frat party, and we think that's ok sometimes.  

7th Inning - Murphy's Bleachers - Classic. Pay respect where respect is due.  

8th Inning - Casey Moran's - Unlike on St. Patrick's Day, the line will not be down the block.  

9th Inning - Bernie's - The place that starts almost every home game. I have seen many great games here, and even been kicked out twice in a single afternoon. That kind of dedication to the safety of their patrons impresses all.  

We will be having shirts which will run between $12 - $15 dollars. Basically it will be the above design...except it will be on a shirt (special shout out for John's co-worker Lori for taking my crude MS Paint idea (think Tracy Uhlman show Simpsons) and making it into a professional graphic). Let us know if you want one by April 10 with your size and all that other crap.

So there you have it. Hope you can all make it, it should be a ridiculous time!

Be sure to read the same thing as listed above, but be able to confirm your presence and recieve updates at the Facebook event site.

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Cubs Propoganda, Brought to You by the Wrigleyville Ministry of Truth

Okay, so maybe "later this afternoon" translated to "lunchtime tomorrow," but here are five reasons I'm hopeful for 2009. And strangely enough, none of them are "We Play the Pirates and Reds 30 Damn Times."

1. Sean Marshall

It looks like finally, at long last, Lefty (see what happens when I don't get enough nickname suggestions?) is going to get his chance in the rotation. I'm eager to see what he can do, even though I'm not convinced that a sub-2 spring ERA equates to anything more than a bunch of impressed Arizonans. The man does deserve his shot - he was solid (3.46 defense-adjusted ERA) as a long reliever last year. Now he finally gets to come in from the corn - the man's been to Iowa and back more times than a University of Illinois freshman who can't let go of his high school sweetheart. If Ryan Dempster can go from object of WAIW hate as a closer to beloved 17-win starter, then there's hope for a guy for whom no good nickname comes naturally to mind.

2. Carlos Marmol (Filthy)

Although we would never foolishly claim to be the most cutting-edge Cubs blog, WAIW does have the distinction of worshipping Carlos Marmol (Filthy) from the very origin of this hallowed expletive forum. His control suffered at times last year, but he increased his innings pitched and strikeouts while decreasing his WHIP numbers. We all remember the slump he went through that caused myself and others to boo the bejeezus out of him after almost blowing Rich Harden's first spectacular outing. But that's what you do when relievers pitch like shit - it doesn't mean you don't love them or write creepy slash fiction about them. No matter where he ends up in late relief, WAIW is eagerly anticipating another year of his electric pitching.

3. Malibu Mike

Spring Training stats rarely mean crap, but in this particular case, they've taken Aaron Miles and his Nerf bat out of the starting lineup. That means that our boy Mike Fontenot is going to get the chance to see regular at-bats. If the pressure of replacing the most lusted-after Cub since Rod Beck doesn't get to him, then we may see solid play. It would be foolish to assume that he'll be able to keep up a near-.400 OBP over an entire season, but we're excited to see what last year's .305/.395/.514 blossoms into.

4. Geo Tracker

Last year's NL Rookie of the Year is apparently getting a bit chubby. No word on how that has impacted his Cubs Doability Index rating at Cub Blogging. Most of the stat services have him projected to improve on last year's impressive numbers, and hopefully he can acquire robot legs before opening day so we don't have to worry about Gabor Bako behind the plate. For any recent converts to the Church of Cubdom present, let me emphasize how crappy it would be to take such a talented catcher for granted. The Cubs, by and large, do not usually have good catchers. Now, we've got one on the way to becoming one of the NL's premier backstops. Just the thought of a Jason Kendall at-bat makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

5. Fonzie

Since he was signed in the Cubs edition of Supermarket Sweep prior to the '07 season, he's offered more than his fair share of migraines. The formerly-durable player injured himself hopping like Peter Pan, fell to some ridiculously bad luck, and has at times been more streaky than a Brewers fan's boxer-briefs. But holy shit can he take over a series when he's on. The very second you think you've had enough of his bullshit, he goes on a rip and starts single-handedly winning games for the Cubs. Don't get me started on his cannon of an arm. At a certain point, it starts to look like a video game. And that, dear readers, is why we signed him.

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There Is Nothing to Fear But ... These Things (With Bonus Schizophrenia!)

As a kid, I went into seasons with little to gain from our beloved club except a season's worth of tracking the Hawk, Grace, and Ryno. You'd think that would be a great core for a contending club, but they were surrounded by guys like Doug Dascenzo, Luis Salazar, and Amaury Telemaco. Frankly, we sucked most years. Fourth place was like a comfortable old t-shirt.These days, I'm aching for a World Series title, but in 1998, I literally didn't care when we got swept out of the playoffs - I was just so happy to have made the post-season. Now, a kid in the oversized Cubs windbreaker just hoping to sweat out 75 wins has become a blogger coming dangerously close to the hell of raised expectations. Still got that windbreaker, though. Mom liked to buy big.

All the previews I've read have talked about how crappy the Central is and how the Cubs should win it running away, though they're not quite as optimistic on our pennant chances. This makes me damn nervous, even as I read all sorts of statistical compilations with funny acronyms proclaiming the Cubs' supremacy in the Central (Central Cupremacy? Sentral Supremacy? Forget it.) For now, let's drum up five reasons to worry this upcoming season. And since I'm not Paul Sullivan, I'm going to soothe that fire with five things to hope for later this evening. I'm also providing counter-points, from the voices in my head. At least I'm more honest about it than Jay Mariotti. Enjoy.

1. Post-2006 D-Lee



As you might recall, D-Lee broke his wrist about three seconds after signing a $65 million extension at the beginning of the execrable 2006 season (4 lower-level Labor Day tickets for $40! How crazy does that seem now?). Ever since he came back, it's clear that he didn't bring his power back with him. He's kept comparable RBI and OBP numbers, but one has to wonder if his fading power precludes a massive drop in production one of these years. "

Voices in John's Head say: He's still playing Gold Glove-caliber defense, providing veteran leadership, and churning out more offense than your average first baseman. How's Hee Seop Choi doing with the Kia Tigers?

2. "Oh, Carlos!"

"I have a well-thought-out rebuttal!"

I really hate most sitcoms - everyone goes around saying the same old predicable things, and at the end of the day, you can't expect anything to substantially change. That's how I'm beginning to feel about the yearly Carlos Zambrano Dog and Pony Show. Every year, I defend his inscrutable tantrums and on-mound blow-ups, and every year I get a little more sick of it. "Oh Carlos!" And cue the studio audience. The guy is 28 now - major changes in behavior most likely aren't coming. Let's just hope he gets off of the alternating good game/bad game strategy and that the injuries he was clearly suffering in the second half of last year are a thing of the past.

Voices in John's Head say: Last year, Cubs fans seem to think he was injured half the time and off his rocker the other half. But he still pitched 188 innings, won 14 games, and improved his HR surrendered and WHIP numbers. If he can finally put together all the tools at his disposal, he could win 18-20 and go a long way to silencing his critics.

3. Rich Harden = Defective Stretch Armstrong

Physical therapy

Rich Harden is a mad beast on the mound - when he's healthy enough to start and stay in the game, he melts hitters in the box like ants under a magnifying glass. While fans should know him for his 1.77 ERA as a Cub, they instead know him as the guy with all the durability of a Faberge egg. If he can make 25 starts this year, the Cubs will dominate hitters in the division. If anyone sneezes near his shoulder, however, all those #40 jerseys in the stands could become the next #22. Look at how fast Ben Sheets went from ace to eating Hormel chili and watching Cosby Show re-runs all day.

Voices in John's Head say: Harden pitched 189 innings in 2004, before he was the hitter-eating monster he is today. So we can figure he's still got that in him somwheres. If he could combine that work load with his current skill set, we could be talking 14-15 wins.

4. CF is Fuk-ed

SI Covers: More harmful to careers than Alyssa Milano

I love Fukudome, I really do. Ever since he hit his first major league pitch off the brown ivy at Wrigley on Opening Day last year, I've exalted in his successes and said "lalalala I'm not listeniiiiiing" to his failures. But it's soon getting to the point where even I have to call bullshit. He hit .167 when righties threw curves to him. He hit .292 at Wrigley, means that road games hurt like a bastard - to the tune of .225. He got himself benched for the final of the World Baseball Classic because he was hitting a sterling .235. I really hope he can fix whatever is up, but at age 32, I think that's unlikely. If he doesn't start evening out his road numbers and hitting for more extra bases, all that Fuku merchandise people snapped up last April will go in the Pogs/Cabbage Patch Kids/Beanie Baby closet.

And behind him? Reed Johnson (bad back, trouble with sliders and curves) and Joey Gathright (OBP just north of .300).

Voices in John's Head say: His walk numbers still show plate discipline, and if he can match his road performances to the level of his home numbers, he'll be an above-average CF. It's not like Zombie Edmonds lit the world on fire last year (.209 BA at Wrigley).


5. Bradley's "Personality"



I know we're way more worried about the man's physical health, but as you may remember, there's the question of his mental health to consider as well. In a time when the media dogs are temporarily called off, Bradley still manages to come off at defensive and petulant in those rare occasions when the main papers manage to cover baseball in the off-season. Remember the last time the Cubs had personality issues? 2004. And we don't ever want to go back there.

Voices in John's Head say: While he hasn't always felt the love from reporters and fans, Bradley has in the past been known as a good teammate. It would be pretty hard for one guy to replicate the toxic locker room atmosphere of 2004. Plus, there's no Steve Stone to threaten anymore. Additionally, the motherfucker can hit.

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We Suppose if We Were Covering Them ...

Coming to a Howie Day concert near you!

Who is Chico Harlan? If you guessed "Vaguely ethnic '70s cop show sidekick," you would be wrong - but still very good at using context clues. No, in our reality, the man is the beat reporter for the Washington Nationals - a job akin in futile misery to being the financial editor at the Baghdad Post-Gazette. But the man still gets to write about baseball for a living, a dilemma I like to call Having Asinine Problems. His profile in D.C.'s Washingtonian magazine contained this gem:

“I don’t like sports—I am embarrassed that I cover them,” Chico Harlan says. “I can’t wait to stop. It is a means to an end and a paycheck.”

On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, reaching the "Bitching About Being Paid to Cover Professional Sports" level qualifies as you not having any real problems. As someone who smooshes a baseball blog in between a real job and graduate school, one might expect I'd offended, but I'm not. If the man doesn't like baseball, who am I to get offended about that? I hate basketball, but I'd certainly take a paycheck to write about it. Hell, his outsider status may bring much-needed scrutiny to that joke of a team. The only issue I have is that we was dumb enough to say that in a fairly well-read magazine mailed to much of what constitutes the Nats' fan base. Cue asinine apology:

I owe an apology, because I said something stupid. Really stupid. I regret it tremendously. This is certainly not the first time I've felt terrible or stupid, but it is my first time writing about these feelings on a baseball blog. Why? Because I want you to know how I feel about my job. Read this (please), and know that Scott Boras didn't put me up to it. This is a heartfelt apology.

Funny how those writing skills go out the window when one starts flailing about, hoping to keep one's job. It reads like a LiveJournal post. He goes on to say that he's naturally melodramatic, and that the sentiment isn't true. Then he emphasizes that he absolutely LOVES ... writing. I reckon the same DC Nats bloggers that broke this particular story will catch that as well.

Good luck hanging on to the gig, Chico, but know that you've already got two strikes against you. One, you really don't like baseball, and confirm as much during the requisite apology. Two, you look like a big ol' douchebag with the pink tie and self-assured smirk. You might not know this, but 0-2 is a very bad count.

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Cubs Media Monday: Crimes Against Humanity Edition

Sometimes it's just easier to sit back and have your work done for you. In this case, I found both of these gems over at Chicagoist. And now I will post them for your enjoyment, because they're so bad, I think they qualify as modern art. First, let's enjoy some horrible abuse at the hands of our beloved Harry Caray:

If you lived and had achieved mild popularity in the '80s, then you had to come out with a rap video. It was the law. This is, I believe, another great reason for me to not partake in Bud Light. There is clearly some stunt double work going on here, because I'm pretty sure Harry had all the jumping ability (0:11) of a backhoe.

Now, Budweiser is (or used to be) a St. Louis-based company. As such, I think that the executives who approved this video must have never actually visited to Chicago. I believe, instead, that they just took a bunch of stereotypical images of Chicago, made them have sex, and overlaid a bad MIDI rap track. Wrigley? Check. Blues Brothers? Check. Tall buildings? Check. Ladies with awesome '80s hair? Oh, you'd better believe it. This video was so bad that the Cubs finished 23.5 games out of the division. The baseball gods are not rap fans, apparently.

Ozzie and Lou must have been paid in cash by the dumptruck. It's the only sane explanation. I would love to see the "making of" video, with the two managers head-bobbing to that kick Casio beat while wearing big studio headphones, "We Are the World"-style. And I'm not trying to make fun of a non-native speaker here, but I honestly can't tell what Ozzie is saying most of the time (ESPECIALLY at 0:16). I guess I'll have to go down to "Zirtyfiss and Shield" and ask him. Not that Sweet Lou fares much better - at (0:26), it becomes apparent that the baseball gods have struck him with flaring hemorrhoids for agreeing to be in this commercial.

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Corey Koskie Decides to Retire: Says "frggisssimiffggianns" to His Fans

Don't call it a comeback - because it's not. Corey Koskie officially said goodbye to the Cubs yesterday, ending our chance of getting a hell of a steal and ending our infield issues in the same stroke. Last week, he got woozy after diving for a ball, demonstrating that he never really got over that concussion in 2006. It's a shame - before falling and suffering that concussion, he was a solid player - never really matching the potential of 1999-2003 (hovering around .400 OBP) afterward, but offering a solid option to both the Twins and the Brewers.

Koskie seemed to be an outside contender to make the Cubs, but his departure leaves the Cubs with even fewer options for a questionable infield. The solution? Take the time machine to 2012 and bring back Future Josh Vitters. Then we'll show the bastards.

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Old Style Beer: Kickass and Krausened

It's an exciting time to be both a Cubs fan and a frequent drinker (I'm sorry, is that redundant?). Even more so than usual. Old Style, the Official Beer of the Chicago Cubs, has officially made a commitment to cut down on what some term the "ass taste" they serve up in 30 packs and reintroduce the recipe that made this Milwaukee brew such a favorite of Chicagoans back in the day.

Relax the Old Style way - by passing out in the sun!

The brand has been under the umbrella of Miller for a long time, and as such has been brewed with a formulation from Miller not really related to the 1902 edition. And as such, one might argue that taste has suffered. Still, Old Style is the Friendly Confines beer of choice for WAIW, and while it's not exactly Bell's, Stella, or Guinness, it has a special place in our hearts. Who among us doesn't like to pull beer after cold beer from the seemingly limitless expanse of refreshment that is the 30 pack?

When I was in college at Tennessee, I used to load up on 30 packs to bring back down to school. I resided in a fraternity house, where one might imagine that any secret cache of beer would be set upon and devoured like locusts on third world crops. I combated this by handing anyone who asked a cold Cubs-emblazoned can. Their first drink usually put them off the stuff for life. I recall one of my friends smiling as he popped the top, and then all hope and joy draining from his eyes as it hit his taste buds. His exact words? "Fuck that." Needless to say, I finished that can, and was able to keep my beer supply to myself.

Clearly, I did not stage this picture

So how does this new (old) version stack up to the tall boys we used to sneak from our parents' garage fridge? It's actually ... pretty damn good. It's much smoother and far better tasting than the Miller generic "cheap beer" recipe that's been the norm. I actually, at the moment, have access to both formulations of Old Style. Because I like to stockpile regional beers for enjoyment after the Zombie Apocalypse. I notice that there's a notable absence of what I like to call the Grandpa Beer Aftertaste. Apparently, this is due to the return of krausening (KROY-zin-ing) to the process. Via Wikipedia:

I can imagine saying the phrase "Krausened like a mother fucker!" in the near future

Kräusening is adding active wort or other sugar nutrients to beer that is being bottled. The name is German in origin, though the method is used by brewers in various countries - most notably Belgium. Kräusening encourages the yeast to continue fermentation in the bottle. It helps clean up the flavor of the beer by reducing levels of diacetyl and acetaldehyde. The Old Style brand claims to have returned to the krausening tradition first used by G. Heileman in 1902 when he created the beer.

The best part of this culinary experience? Firing up the grill for the first time this year to set the proper mood for Old Style consumption. Once baseball returns in earnest, life may just reach perfection. Give the new Old Style a chance - it's worth the $3.50 for six tall boys. Or $36, should you be drinking it at the Cubby Bear. Either way, perhaps krausening is the thing that will put the 2009 Cubs over the top. It certainly can't hurt.

A perfect fit

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Retiring 31

Look at the scoreboard - were that many night games in the early '70s? I'm guessing the artist didn't feel like scoring any imaginary games.

As you've no doubt heard by now, the Cubs are going to be retiring #31 before the May 3rd game against the Marlins. Unlike 10, 14, 23, and 26, the upcoming retirement of 31 is in honor of two players - ace pitchers Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux.

I wish he would get ordained, so he would be the Reverend Doctor Ferguson Jenkins. That would sound even more bad ass.

Fergie is a no-brainer. He may have played for Texas and Boston for much of his career, but he came back for his final two seasons,went into the Hall as a Cub, and has remained closely affiliated with the team throughout his retirement. He managed six (SIX!!!) straight 20-win seasons with the Cubs, and we all know that Wrigley isn't the most pitcher-friendly park. His numbers with the Cubs were insane, and his Cy Young (1971) and all 3 All-Star appearances ('67, '71, '72) were in blue pinstripes. He still shows up at Cubs convention every year to raise money for his foundation and meet the fans. He's a Cub through and through, and it's about damn time they hang up #31 for him.

Maddux, while pitching for the Cubs, supplanted his income by starring in snuff porn

Maddux, on the other hand, is a different story. Do even Cubs fans think of the guy primarily as a Cub? He had a few good seasons with us ('90, '91, '04), and few great seasons ('88, '89, '92) before the absolutely moronic management decision to let him go the fall after he won the NL Cy Young. But what's done can never be undone - he became an absolute beast and a first ballot Hall of Famer in Atlanta, and anyone who thinks he'll we wearing a C into that Hall are deluded. We love Maddux here, and there's absolutely no ill will, but he doesn't really merit to be included in the number retirement discussion. Do we feel like we have to do so because he wore the number prominently after Fergie? Do we feel like we have to because he's unarguably one of the greatest pitchers ever to play the game? Maybe they feel like if they honor him so ostentatiously, they can erase the memory of letting the best, most consistent pitcher of the '90s slip away due managerial greed and incompetence.

My first childhood taste of how GMs like to crush kids' dreams

We really shouldn't be made to feel any way but that which the facts tell us. The bottom line is, while Maddux is a legend, he isn't first and foremost a Cub. And as such, he shouldn't really be hanging in that particular pantheon of Cubs greats. He's already qualified himself for so many richly deserved accolades, he doesn't need one that, at best, could be called marginally reasonable.

2004-2006: Not quite enough

Congratulations to Fergie on this overdue honor. I just with they'd re-think enshrining another team's legend.

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Blog Fight!

The gloves are off, Milwaukee

Brewers fans are mighty sensitive these days.  They were getting all feisty over at Bleacher Nation just because they talked about how much full of suck they are.  Now our Baseball Blogging Brethren Brothers at Brewcrew Ball take exception to our ranking system.   

In an effort to calm these tensions, I offer those visitors the many praises we offer to your beloved club.  Enjoy!

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Handicapping the Bullpen Race

Last season, Jason Marquis caused more frenzied activity here than the Mark Chmura at a high school hot tub party.

As I posted earler (no link, just scroll, lazy ass), Sean Marshall is going into the rotation, and Aaron Heilman is going into the bullpen. So that locks the bullpen as thus, so far:

- Aaron Heilman (promising, but not necessarily great)

- Carlos Marmol (Filthy)

- Kevin Gregg (Not my real dad)

- Neal Cotts (shrug)

After that, it's pretty much a toss-up for the last three spots in the pen, and each candidate has their own particular capacity to shock and terrify. Let us run down the candidates. Unfortunately, ESPN does not keep good spring stats - most likely because very few people care.

- Jeff Samardzija: Contrary to what some may think, him losing the starting role does not guarantee a spot in the bullpen. Especially because saying he lost the starting role is like saying hitting .179 in my freshman year of high school baseball lost me a shot at the major leagues. There are serious problems to be addressed before we count on him to be anything this season. But the fastball is extra sexy to Cubs fans, and Samardzija has a good one. Let's just hope he ends up as more Wood than Farnsworth.

- Chad Gaudin: Initially thought of the cherry on top of the Harden trade, he's quickly devolved into a pitcher who has given up more earned runs this Spring Training (12) than Ken Kadokura, Rocky Roquet, and Kevin Hart combined. He might get cut loose - which is a shame, because WAIW loves us some good facial hair.

- Kevin Hart: As much as Lou and Hendry might want him to be, he's still not there. We can talk small sample size, but he took a step back in 2008 and hasn't shown us any progression yet. A 6.14 ERA might not sound like much, but please do keep in mind that Mets cast-off Heilman is sporting a sub-2.

- Angel Guzman: Through a mixture of injuries and poor timing, he's never become the pitcher that he was hyped to be in his younger years. He's out of options and hasn't shown the team any reason to hang on.

- Luis Viscaino: He's been pitching like late-period Bob Howry on a six day Goldschlager bender, but we'd have to eat $4 mil to cut him loose. So he'll probably make the pen. I'm not sure it was worth getting rid of Marquis just to pay this guy to please, for the love of God, not throw.

- David Patton: The Rule 5 pickup from the Rockies has an outside chance, having given up a single run in 6.2 innings of spring work. With our up and down pitching staff, not sucking has turned into a distinguishing factor. He's never pitched above A ball before, but if he doesn't make the cut, the Rockies can take him back.

- Jason Waddell: Also hasn't sucked, but mostly has experience putting up mid-3 ERA numbers in the Giants low minors. He's on a minor league deal, so we're more flexible with him. Translation: He's not probably not going to make it.

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And Your 5th Starter is ...

Sean Marshall! Weren't you suspended in an ecstatic suspense for the 3/8ths of a second it took you to move from headline to first paragraph? Provided you didn't first hear about it somewhere else, or see this picture right away when you navigated here.

Looked good in Spring Training, but even better when compared to Chad Gaudin

I've been G-arguing with Steve on G-Chat, because I thought Marshall was a bit too valuable to the pen with Cottsy as the lone other lefty. Steve countered that Heilman G-sucked, and that I should G-shut the fuck up. In this case, he was correct. I will have my G-venge. The final tally for Marshall, Heilman, and what the hell, Samardzija:


Marshall - 4 Games Started, (2-0), 0.63 ERA, 14.1 Innings Pitched, 9 Hits, 2 Runs, 1 Earned Run

Heilman - 3 GS, (0-0), 1.80 ERA, 10 IP, 9 H, 2 R, 2 ER

Samardzija - 3 GS, (0-1), 9.90 ERA, 10 IP, 15 H, 11 R, 11 ER, 1 LBODNDFWSTHWITRBHPFANDETHCITATOHPASWIP (Large Base of Deluded Notre Dame Fans Who Still Thought He Was In The Running Because He Played Football At Notre Dame Even Though His Control Isn't There And Two Of His Pitches Are Still Works In Progress)

So congratulations to Sean Marshall. This means we need a nickname for the man. Sure, it's easy to call lefties Lefty, but that seems a bit half assed for a site that focuses more on drinking Jameson and fighting with the Milwaukee fan base than parsing statistics and relying on scouting reports. Any suggestions, dear readers? I suggest the following as a jumping-off point:

- Marshall, Will and Holly
- Nots Cotts
- Sean "We Are" Marshall
- The Southern Dandy
- Lefty

See how it really falls apart after ... after the list begins? That's why we need you.

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Thursday Cubs What-Have-You

- Wrigley just got a new delivery of fresh sod. That should last, ohh, about three months, because Chicago's Aldermen approved three (!) concerts for Wrigley this summer, two by the baby boomer power duo of Elton John and Billy Joel, and one by professional suckasses Rascal Flatts. Between the Elton John concert he scored tickets for and the Jimmy Buffett concert later in the year at Toyota Park (oh, and this Pilates class), Steve is going to be fending off divorced women in their early 40s with a stick.

- The team announced yesterday that it plans to open a new restaurant in partnership with the group that runs Harry Caray restaurant. It will be located at the corner of Sheffield and Addison, also known as the only damn place you can stand still for even a minute outside the park on game day. Its beer garden will reportedly extend past the Harry Caray statue, which is possibly the team's way of saying "you tourists want your cute little Facebook profile picture? Pony up for some $11 potato skins, fuckers!" Should be ready by opening day.

- Still no Ricketts

..

That was a much happier statement when pirates used to say it.

- Crane Kenney spent yesterday trying to make people cry. First, he threatned moving the Cubs to the crap-ass Grapefruit League unless they get brand-new facilities in Arizona. Then, he admitted that Cubs management was "intrigued" by the concept of a Wrigley Jumbotron, although no plans exist at the moment. Someone please go after this man with holy water and an ash stake.

- There are new, as of yet unnamed sponsors for the outfield doors. Let's welcome our new corporate partners with a warm middle finger gesture.

- In better news, after the Ricketts sale goes through, Kenney said that the Hendry should have some money to throw around before the All-Star break.

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Fanbase Power Rankings: Boo-Urns!

So now we come to the endgame. Those teams that are absolutely loathed by all. And by all, we mean me. And by loathed, we mean tepidly to moderately disliked. Gotta be careful with that hyperbole - you can't get away with that on the Internet. Moving on:

Still mighty confusing

21. Toronto Blue Jays - They're Canadian, so they eat mayonnaise on fries. Only the terrorists do that. Ergo, they hate our freedom.

22. St. Louis Cardinals – They're really only on here for historical rivalry reasons - they're not nearly as hateable as some of the fans below. Maybe it's because they've been a solid franchise for awhile, so their fans don't turn into preening dickheads when they get a taste of victory, as our neighbors to the immediate north have. I gotta tell you, I have in the past gotten along with Cardinals fans. Steve and sat a row in front of a bunch last season the day after the taint-kicked them to clinch the division. They were up on their roster stats and good-natured about the longstanding rivalry. Of course, then you have those people from downstate Illinois who seem to hate everything associated with Chicago out of some sort of misguided metro-phobia. You can only go so far with that kind of fan base. Oh, and there’s this guy:

"Did you just call me fat white trash?!? I know it's true, but you're not supposed to just say it."

23. Los Angeles Dodgers – Manny loves this fan base, mostly because they’re fair-weather fans and don’t give a shit about much. That about says it all.

LA fans: Brave enough to stand up for multimillionaire's rights

24. San Diego Padres - Much like the Alamo, we must remember our team of 1984. It could have been US getting crap-kicked by the Tigers!

Every fan left with a foul ball that day

25. Florida Marlins – I could probably grade each Marlins fan individually, since by the look of it on television last season, there are only about 658 of them. They don’t deserve two World Series titles. The universe is a mean bastard to Cubs fans.

And the back of the sign says "...until the World Series."

26. Tampa Bay Rays – Leave it to Florida to come up with the white-trashiest fan fad of the decade. The funny thing is, this particular group (Ray fans, that is) didn’t exist until late last season. Everyone has a story about how they were Devil Rays fans from way back, and 9/10ths of them are lying. This is perhaps the biggest bandwagon pile-on I’ve seen in my lifetime.

Astros fans = Dick Tracy villains

27. Houston Astros – If someone professes to be a fan of the current incarnation of the former Houston Colt .45s, then check the immediate area for a Styrofoam cup or 20 oz. Mountain Dew bottle full of brown spit. It’s around there somewhere.

From the Yankee Stadium "family section"

28. New York Yankees – Holy crap are they annoying. They root for the evil empire, but won’t even admit that their owner has done his best to ruin the game for smaller markets. They also have the willfully dickish and entitled attitude formerly seen in the Russian aristocracy. Let’s hope they meet similar ends.

29. New York Mets – The White Sox fans of the National League. My girlfriend told me that it would be in poor taste to make an escalator joke, so I'll end it here.

"I don't have no time for your fancy 'tail-gating.' Ground's just fine."

30. Milwaukee Brewers – Quickly changed from cuddly, good natured, vaguely Bavarian group to a fat, loud, obnoxious collective of the most fucking annoying people you’ll ever meet – all for one wild card in two years. Can you imagine if they ever actually won something?

I will continue to use this picture

31. Chicago White Sox – We’ve gone into this subject before. Let’s keep it simple this time – Cubs fans, in my experience, don’t worry much about the Sox except for 6 times a year. White Sox fans rant constantly to anyone who will listen about why the Cubs suck (and not why the White Sox are good). Who likes red-headed stepchildren that aren’t named Ron Howard? No one, that’s who.

D-d-d-d-douche!

32. Jackasses Who Claim to Root for Both the Cubs and the White Sox – Residents of Our Fair City attempting to sit on the fence when it comes to baseball are the worst. It’s like reading a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book from front to back like a novel – it’s no fun, and it makes you look “special.” As such, celebrities are often the offenders. So go fuck yourself, Cusack. “In Your Eyes” sucks, and so does your flip-flopping. Your sister’s cell phone commercials have been responsible for more suicides than the Smiths and the stock market combined.

As for Vince Vaughn? Let’s look at what happened to his career since pulling that “just rooting for Chicago” business in 2005.

Pre-betrayal: Swingers, Made, Old School, Dodgeball, Anchorman, Wedding Crashers

Post -betrayal: Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Be Cool, Fred Claus, The Break-Up, Four Christmases

Root for both at thy own peril.

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