Wasting Away In Wrigleyville: February 2009

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I Told You, I Don't Have a Good Headline, Just Write Anything

. Thursday, February 26, 2009
1 comments


"Site of the most dominant victory of 2009"

- Sports Illustrated's Web site has a fun feature where you can click on any name in the box score and pull up that player's profile page. You know what that means during spring training? A hilarious amount of "ERROR 404." 11 of them for the Cubs, by my count, and 6 of the 7 pitchers we used. ESPN isn't even going to try - they have box scores up that look like the ones you would download from Compuserve in 1995.


And the crowd meh-ed!

- How ND-centric is the Chicago media? Well, the Trib's newest Cubs headline is "Samardzija eager to earn starting job." This article went up AFTER he did his Rich Hill impression during the first two innings yesterday. Would this coverage even be happening without the ND football connection?

- I know it's the very beginning of the season, but I suppose that means that reporters have to knock off the rust as well. The game recap article in the tribune didn't even name the winning pitcher.

I think I just heard a snapping noise. Did you just hear a snapping noise?

- Although you've probably heard this by now, word is that Indians closer Kerry Wood (sigh) is on the mend with a sore back, and hasn't thrown off of a mound since last weekend. Right now, Indians fans are asking themselves "fluke nuisance or ominous portent?" We in Chicago are a giving lot, so please Cleveland, let the Cubs community answer this one - ominous portent. It's always ominous portent.
"So this is how Clooney felt when he left ER"

- DeRo's line in the Indians' opening 10-7 loss to the Giants: 1-3, 1 run, 3 RBI (each one of them a dagger to the collective hearts of the female commentariot).

Read More »»

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Cubs 5 - Dodgers 3: A Win is a Win (Even When it Doesn't Count)

. Wednesday, February 25, 2009
0 comments


Ken Kadokura is proper as hell, wearing shirtsleeves and a tie to the mound in the Arizona heat

No, I don't plan on recapping every Spring Training game (who needs that much Kevin Hart?), but it's worth noting that our Boys in Blue won their first of many this season, beating the Inferior Hot Dog Squad 5-3. On the strength of Micah HasselHoffpauir's grand slam, Ken Kadokura earned his first W with the team with a scoreless 5th inning.


Enjoy while cheering on your favorite ND alum. Don't let the screaming of small children distract you

Great for K-San (though I don't think I'll be giving him his own tag just yet), but surely there will be plenty of concern over Jeff Samardzija and his 9.00 ERA after his first outing. In two innings of work, the hideous Domer gave up 3 hits, 2 runs, and 2 walks. This reinforces the ongoing theory Steve and I have been developing that Samardzija just isn't all that good yet. He's got incredible potential for sure, but I'm still on the fence about him as a regular late-inning reliever, much less a starter expected to win 8-12 games.

I got to listen to the WGN broadcast after I got off work, and let me tell you, I missed the hell out of Pat and Ron. Even without the atmosphere of a regular game, they were as engaging as ever. Hell, the morass of A and AA players made for even more entertaining antics. The game sounded a lot like one of those old N64 videogames that didn't have enough memory for player names. There was a lot of "High fly to right, that one's going to be caught ... by ... the right fielder." Half the time, they would shuffle papers and try to correctly identify the guy, but the "hell with it" factor increased as time went on. At one point, they thought a #11 was playing the outfield. I seriously doubt that it was Ivan DeJesus, but that would have been bitchin.

Welcome back, baseball. We missed you.

Read More »»

Cactus League: The Best Sandlot Ball Ever

.
3 comments


Today marks the official start of the Cactus League season, with our Cubs playing against the Dodgers, who I find to be unsurprisingly less hate-inspiring sans Manny Ramirez. I had a whole thing that I was going to do where I compared the team's performance in the Cactus League to their performance in the regular season. Bad correlation, maybe, but I'm stuck in thesis research mode, so I was trying to make the best of it. Well, it turns out that each year, at the end of the Cactus League season, someone wipes out the stats like Winston Smith in 1984. The Cactus League is for fun. Oceania is at war with Eurasia - Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia. (Anyone? ... cricket noises?)


After first being pissed that my idea had not panned out, I began to enjoy the concept of the Cactus League as fantasy land. And isn't that really what it's all about? The Cubs get to pretend they're not going to be playing forty degree games until June, the fans get to pretend that it's normal to see a game for $6, and Jeff Samardzija gets to pretend that he has a chance at being a full time starter. And none of it counts. Which I have come to dig. As a kid, I remember reading the Daily Herald (a fine upstanding rag if ever there were one) for Spring Training scores, brimming with hope. Of course, the day the season started, I had to say "little kid self, let's be realistic. We might win 75, so lower your expectations and stop chewing on that Transformer." Even though we get to have real hope these days, I'll always be grateful to Cactus League ball for shielding me as a child from the bitter failure of the Tuffy Rhodes/Larry Himes years.


How long has it been since baseball season? Forever. Foorrrrrevvvvverrrrrrr.

In lieu of giving you the statistical analysis that only a liberal arts major can provide, I'll instead share some of the facts I've come across while boning up (teehee) on Mesa facts for my pilgrimage to Spring Training.

All About Mesa

- The Cubs were the first team to make Mesa their permanent Spring Training site, way back in 1952.


"Iguana kabobs! Who wants iguana kabobs! Spicy, tangy, still sorta twitchy!"

- Given the ridiculous amount of displaced Chicagoans in Arizona (including a certain group of idiots), it's not surprising that the Cubs consistently lead the Cactus League in attendance. They play at 12,632-capacity HoHoKam Park, which the regularly sell out. This fact necessitated me paying Fuck You Tax on StubHub to get some seats.

- The Cubs set the season attendance record in 2005, when 193,993 fans showed up for a game over the course of the season. I'm guessing this beat the Pittsburgh Pirates for the regular season.

- The Official site of the Cactus League tells me that there have been 12,632 sell out Cubs games at HoHoKam. Someone has clearly gone mad with copy/paste power.


"DONNY: We'll be near the In-and-Out Burger.

WALTER: Shut the fuck up, Donny. We'll, uh, brace the kid--he'll be a pushover. We'll get that fucking money, if he hasn't spent it already. Million fucking clams. And yes, we'll be near the, uh--some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. Our fucking troubles are over, Dude"


- The Cactus League's site trumpets the fact that they serve "Chicago dogs." I will remain skeptical - I'm way, way too damn excited about the prospect of In N Out and Whataburger anyway.


Sox fans always show gusto - whether beating an elderly first base coach, or hitting the Old Country Buffet with a 2 for 1 coupon

- Cubs fans traveling to Mesa brought an estimated $20 million into the local economy in 2004. Meanwhile in Glendale, the White Sox contingent brings crystal meth, jean shorts, and a couple of public bathroom stabbings.

- A Mesa is an elevated area of land with a flat top, surrounded by steep hillsides. The year I learned that was the year I peaked in my mastery of the natural sciences.


... related?

- Spanish beach volleyball player Raul Mesa won the 2005 European Championships in Moscow. Why the fuck are they playing beach volleyball in Moscow?

- Mesa 3D provides generic OpenGL implementation for rendering three-dimensional graphics across a multitude of platforms. Or so I hear around the comic book store.

- The Mesa chain of restaurants is owned by Bobby Flay. And Bobby Flay was owned by a Lou Malnati's pizza on an episode of Throwdown.

- Portugese band Mesa's 2008 album "Para Todo o Mal" was released in a limited edition of 1,200 digipak-format copies.

- I clearly ran out of facts about the actual Arizona town awhile ago. Are you really reading past the Portuguese band reference?

Read More »»

Monday, February 23, 2009

Virtual Insanity II: Electric Boogaloo

. Monday, February 23, 2009
1 comments


Now that the dust has settled, and the plans made, here are the random ticket day observations that I have to add:


- I am ready to never again see the word "virtual." Staring at it filling up the screen strips it of its meaning. First, it looks like it's spelled wrong. Then, it doesn't even look like a word. Then, you're considering the connections between symbols and what they signify, because you majored in English instead of something useful. Then you get Opening Day, and it's all good. Still can't see word "virtual" without getting twitchy with the mouse finger.

- I'm glad that the Cubs love their Tickets.com-powered system, but there is one flaw that almost gave me a heart attack. When you enter your user name and password, you're supposed to click on "login." If you hit enter, it says that the system is having problems. If you don't know to click "back" and refresh the page, and click yes to "resubmit form," then you'll probably think you've been kicked out. And you're fucked, because it takes forever to get in. I'm glad I knew better. I'm sure that somewhere, someone is crying for my success. Sorta like John Stamos feels all the time.

- Buying a season's worth of tickets requires what those in the financial sector refer to as an assload of money. For some reason I can't explain, I put my purchases on 3 different cards. I think I was trying to trick myself into thinking I spent less than I did. Moron. 

- Also, ever tried to get a ticket to a Saturday or Sunday game during the middle of the season? One time, I saw a Sunday game against the Pirates jack tickets to about $75 for a seat in the upper deck. Better to spend early.

- I saw jenzie1231 on our comment board talking about the "nosebleeds" at Wrigley. As someone who has graced the upper deck, lower level, and bleachers, let me tell you - there are no nosebleeds at Wrigley. In fact, most of the time it's a better view than the 200 seats, where it can be a crapshoot whether or not you'll see the whole infield. Up there, it's almost all free and clear, and on a good day you can get a nice view of the lake.

- Had to turn to StubHub for Spring Training tickets. I wish they would just change "late pickup" and "convenience" fees to "Fuck You Tax." Just put it out there - at least I' d feel like they'd respect me in the morning. Is there any ticket service or company that isn't universally hated?

- Sophia Loren looked like a weather-beaten hooker/madam at the Oscars. I will see her leering plastic visage in my night terrors until my dying day. 

Read More »»

Friday, February 20, 2009

Virtual Insanity

. Friday, February 20, 2009
4 comments

Note the 1 Excel Window open, indicating productivity at work



Well, Cubs ticket day has come and gone.  I know many had frustrations with the Virtual Waiting Room, but I got mine, so I am pleased.  There is nothing like the rush waiting for the first one to flip over to "Chicago Cubs Ticketing" and getting what you had targeted.  Today, we got the following games:

- Opening Day
- June: Indians
- July: Cardinals
- July: Brewers
- August: Phillies (Ryno bobblehead note!)
- August: Mets
- Last game against the Diamondbacks

How'd you guys do? 

Read More »»

Happy Cubs Ticket Day!

.
20 comments


Some morons actually still go to Wrigley to try to get a wristband, see above. 


Today is like a holiday for John and I.  As soon as the schedule is released, we pour over it, looking for which games we will target on ticket sale day.  Unlike our pals at View From The Bleachers, we still get excited about it, and dammit, I don't care.  I have already listened to "Go, Cubs, Go" 7 times today, and it will be on repeat at 9:30 when the Virtual Waiting Room begins.

This year I am going conservative with my sales day targets, finding I have had great luck over on Craigslist for those last minute "I see a cheap ticket" games I attend.  My strategy is to go for games I think the scalping value will be greater than face value.  This year's targets: Opening Day, June 20 vs. the Indians, July 11 vs the Cardinals, October 4 vs. the Diamondbacks for the last game (well, regular season anyway...by my calculation we should have 6 more, counting on us sweeping every round of the playoffs) of the year.  

So what are your targets?  Let us know what you are going for, what you got, etc.  and we will compare and contrast the beauty of out respective purchases.

Get your credit cards ready, its the day we've been waiting for. 

Read More »»

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bud "Don't Blame Me" Selig: A Timeline of Fuckuppery

. Thursday, February 19, 2009
0 comments


"Who me?" - a theme of his time as Commissioner

Do you ever think about the assumptions we operate under as baseball fans? Every day, we wake up, go to work, and (for some of us) write blog posts while under certain assumptions. We assume that players are overpaid, that the sport has priced itself out from under the asses of many traditional fans, and that there's no damn way you can assume that any of the MLB records from the past 15 years are untainted. We just go along with a wink and a nudge when talking about record-breaking feats that should inspire baseball partisans. Sammy and Big Mark blasting them out every day in '98 was magical at the time - now it's just a crappy plastic memory. You can't even say "my favorite player would never do this," because unimpeachable specimens of old-school hustle and true character have already cheated and lied and been caught. I'm looking at you, Viagra pitchman and former Cub Rafael Palmeiro. All the while, one man has been watching over the shit shack - former Brewers owner Bud Selig. He makes $18 million a year, a salary that makes Jason Marquis look like an unexpected bargain. But don't blame him for the steroid era, even though the Steroid Era and the Bud Selig Era run concurrently.

1992 - Comissioner Fay Vincent (the guy who wanted the Cubs to play West Coast games all year) pisses off the league so much that they kick him out. Enter Brewers president Allan Huber Selig. Or "Bud," as the desperate-for-a-nickname-other-than-"Dingleberry" interim comissioner would have you call him. The same year, a Canadian team wins the World Series. Coincidence, or portent of doom? Either way, evil 1992 warded off by emergence of Mr. Baseball, and the Selleck-based joy that followed.

1993 - ARG! Fucking CANADIANS AGAIN! Also, Atlanta catches on fire. But they're already used to that, right?


"I'd answer your question, but I'm currently firing out a wicked deuce"

1994 - Hey! No baseball at all! Thanks, fuckface! Bang-up job there. At least it gave us all an opportunity to catch up on our Japanese while cheering on the Yomiuri Giants to Super Happy Terrific Crazy Time Victory Party.

1995 - Souvenir baseball day at Dodger Park turns into "huck fastballs at the umpire and cause your team to forefeit" day. Not Bud's fault, but a pretty hilarious fuck-up anyway.


"Who dressed me in a Pirates trash bag? I DEMAND to know!"

1996 - Yankess win the series, and darkness washes across the land. This sets the stage for years of luxury tax goldbricking by the soulless fucks from the Bronx. Bud politely clears throat, then pisses pants.


"Hey, guys, check out my Southern redneck sheriff impression"

1997 - The Brewers join the NL in a move orchestrated by Mr. Selig and owners. Division games just got 30 percent more annoying and 400 percent fatter!

1998 - Mr. Bud is finally made into a full comissioner. By coincidence, two formerly mediocre players - suddenly and magically built like He-Man action figures - smash one of the oldest records in baseball. During the same year. Bud practices his nonchalant whistling.

[2001-2003 - EIGHT Texas Rangers are using steroids, including Golden Boy. Anyone paying attention?]


"What-roids? Sorry, I couldn't hear you - next question."

2001 - Barry Bonds suddenly hits 73 home runs, 24 more than he will ever hit again. Nope, nothing suspicous here. Move along.

Oh, and also, Bud was charged with Racketeering for attempting to contract the Expos and Twins. The Twins, mind you, prove to be heads and shoulders better than the fucking Brewers.

2002 - The All-Star game ends in a crap-ass tie. It's the lamest All-Star game ever at that point in history. It is, however, soon exceeded in levels of shittiness by every lame over-marketed All-Star game that follws. "This time it counts!" My ass.

2003 - I don't seem to recall a 2003 baseball season. Do you?


You wish, Bud

2004 - Baseball finally agrees on a drug policy. Fans reply with a rousing "what the hell took you so long?"

2005 - Eggggghhhhhhhh. Fever Pitch. Eggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

2006 - Bud's beloved World Baseball Classic is stillborn into the world, beginning the great tradition of General Managers talking their star players out of suiting up for their countries. Somehow, the U.S. loses to Canada and fails to make the semis. What madness hath Bud wrought?


"Barry who? BAL-what? I can't hear you. Have I told you about the majesty and wonder of the World Baseball Classic? Here, have a WBC cap. That'll be $35."

2007 - Barry Bonds concludes wiping his ass on the legacy of the great players who came before him. Two douchebags fight over the accursed ball and eventually end up with nothing but an assload of laywer's fees. Bud wonders why his patented Home Run Dog and Pony Show isn't selling quite so well this time around.

2008 - Don't worry, Barry Bonds is out of baseball. Clean cut, All-American (well, All-Dominican) Alex Rodriguez will soon reclaim the record for roid-free, honest players ...

2009 - Well, fuck. Golden Boy admits to roids, Yankees spending reaches $200 million, and every sensible fan thinks that the last 15 years of stats is bullshit. Thanks Bud. Here's your sack of money.

Read More »»

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Spring Training = Hope, Questions

. Wednesday, February 18, 2009
1 comments


The Cubs have an impeccable sense of timing (aside from, you know, that one thing). They always seem to congregate for spring training at about the exact time I'm considering eating a shotgun if I have to listen to any more basketball talk on the radio. Even with hockey to help, the gap between the end of football season and the beginning of baseball season is interminable. It's what you'd call your basic Dark Night of My Soul. Not to be melodramatic or anything.

But the clouds have finally parted, after literally weeks without some combination of football and/or baseball. Sweet Lou, Fonzie, and Malibu Mike are all now in the desert, avoiding scorpions and working on hitting the shit out of some Cardinals pitching. And next Friday, a WAIW contingent will join them in the Land of Damn Hot, But Really, It's a Dry Heat So It's OK. Clearly, there is baseball within the grasp of our arthritic and frostbitten Midwestern fingers. This leads to questions abounding in the mind grapes. The following is what's been bouncing along my head when I should be doing other things:

- Why did Zambrano already give up on this look?


El Relampago Mustachio

It was seriously sweet, and it always makes me sad when someone gives up on facial hair. I'm thinking that a lot of whorish women kept thinking he was there to fix the cable, and it all got to be a bit of an inconvenience.

- How much can we expect from Rich Harden in 2009?

 Year Ag Tm  Lg  W   L   G   GS  CG SHO  GF SV   IP     H    R   ER   HR  BB   SO  HBP  WP  BFP  IBB  BK  ERA *lgERA *ERA+ WHIP
+--------------+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+--+------+----+----+----+---+----+----+---+---+-----+---+---+-----+-----+----+-----+
2003 21 OAK AL 5 4 15 13 0 0 0 0 74.7 72 38 37 5 40 67 1 6 324 1 0 4.46 4.44 100 1.500
2004 22 OAK AL 11 7 31 31 0 0 0 0 189.7 171 90 84 16 81 167 3 4 803 6 1 3.99 4.54 114 1.329
2005 23 OAK AL 10 5 22 19 2 1 0 0 128.0 93 42 36 7 43 121 2 6 514 0 0 2.53 4.36 172 1.063
2006 24 OAK AL 4 0 9 9 0 0 0 0 46.7 31 22 22 5 26 49 1 0 191 0 0 4.24 4.43 104 1.221
2007 25 OAK AL 1 2 7 4 0 0 2 0 25.7 18 7 7 3 11 27 0 0 100 1 0 2.45 4.20 171 1.130
2008 26 TOT 10 2 25 25 0 0 0 0 148.0 96 38 34 11 61 181 3 3 595 2 0 2.07 4.25 206 1.061
OAK AL 5 1 13 13 0 0 0 0 77.0 57 21 20 5 31 92 1 1 311 1 0 2.34 4.05 173 1.143
CHC NL 5 1 12 12 0 0 0 0 71.0 39 17 14 6 30 89 2 2 284 1 0 1.77 4.47 252 0.972
+--------------+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+--+------+----+----+----+---+----+----+---+---+-----+---+---+-----+-----+----+-----+
6 Yr WL% .672 41 20 109 101 2 1 2 0 612.7 481 237 220 47 262 612 10 19 2527 10 1 3.23 4.40 136 1.213
+--------------+---+---+---+---+---+---+---+--+------+----+----+----+---+----+----+---+---+-----+---+---+-----+-----+----+-----+
162 Game Avg 13 6 35 32 0 0 0 0 198.3 155 76 71 15 84 198 3 6 818 3 0 3.23 4.40 136 1.213
Career High 11 7 31 31 2 1 2 0 189.7 171 90 84 16 81 181 3 6 803 6 1 2.07 4.54 206 1.061

"Borrowed" from baseball-reference.com. Gracais, chaps.

I read somewhere recently that the Cubs should consider Harden a luxury item rather than a given. Looking at his career numbers, I think that's all we can expect. It's tempting to think of the guy as a #2 candidate because of his skill, but the stamina has never been there. 15 wins in 2009 would be a breakout season, and more than 150 innings pitched would make us ecstatic. Here's hoping he stops breaking and gets 18 wins, but I think that 12 is the best bet - and I might even be reaching there.

- What will the lineup look like on Opening Day?


Glasses by Oakley, beard by Jersey Shore

If Fukudome had lived up to the promise of last Opening Day, this would be so much easier to write. I want him to be good so badly, but his numbers dropped like a rock as the sample size increased. Here's hoping for a renaissance in 2009. As is, here's what I like.

1. Ryan Theriot

He can hit for average, but not much else. As long as he doesn't try to steal (22 SB/13 CS) too much, I like him to improve on last year's .387 OBP.

2. Mike Fontenot

I have no doubt that Malibu Mike can be an every day player on the Cubs. In a more frequent role last year, he got even better. I think it was the hair. He gets on base nearly two fifths of the time, which is a trait that Cubs players used to lack. He's also got surprising pop (9 hr) for someone who could probably still sleep in a racecar bed.

3. Derrek Lee

Yes, yes, we all remember DPLee of last year. But he's due for a bounceback, and I still don't see any other role for him than in the 3-hole.

4. Aramis Ramirez

Still a monster. While Soriano, Soto, and Bradley get all the press, he continues to be a rock in the cleanup spot. His hitting and power numbers fluctuate year to year, so you never quite know what's in store for the man. Here's hoping this year is a .300/30 hr year.

5. Milton Bradley

Bradley's left-handed bat here would give the Cubs an amazing middle of the order. No promises of the man's durability, but a career .280 hitter in this position has the potential to kill opposing pitching early. Look who I've got hitting around him, for crap's sake.

6. Alfonso Soriano

Hitting behind Ramirez and Bradley, and protected by Soto, makes sense to every single fucking person who isn't Alfonso Soriano. Why, why, why, why, would we consider batting him leadoff with this roster? He publicly said that he wants to stick to a slot in the order. Here's your slot, Fonzie. Enjoy it, relish it.

7. Geovany Soto

Geovany Soto batting seventh. Can you imagine the possibilites of this lineup? The NL Rookie of the Year, the best offensive catcher the Cubs have seen since Paul Bako (ha!), the man with facial hair that just won't quit. He's batting seventh. Crap, this is a ridiculously deep team. Imagine if we still ... had ... DeRosa (choking sob ... hit play on Joy Divison record).

8. Fuku/Reed "Stache" Johnson

Once again, I remind you that Fukudome vexes me. If he could legitimately hit even .275 (you know, like we paid him a crapload to do), he's be a terror hitting lefty at 8th. As it is, I can see some weak innings that start with Fuku and end with The Riot slapping a soft liner to left field. As for Reed, I'm all for him getting as much playing time as he can handle without injuring his trucker stache. The man's occasionally got durability problems, which is why we got him for free in the first place. Did you know he hit .303 last year for us? Dynamite!

9. Zambrano

I say we figure out how to have him bat for the pitcher in every game. He's clearly already tried to adopt a fake mustache disguise, so maybe Lou and Z are already on it.

Read More »»

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

WAIW to be WAIW: Announcing the Inaugural Pub Crawl

. Tuesday, February 17, 2009
7 comments


Going into our second year as esteemed bloggers in the Cubs Universe, we felt it was appropriate to plan a bar crawl across Wrigleyville, especially given the name of the site.  So here you have it, dear reader, a chance for us all to meet, watch the Cubbies, and get belligerent.  Details, as follows:

Date:  Saturday, April 25:  Cubs @ St. Louis
This is a 3 pm game on Fox (added bonus, not having to hear Joe Buck!), which lends itself nicely to a Saturday afternoon bar crawl.  

Bars:  The goal of this bar crawl is to hit up a different bar for every inning of the Cubs game.  The tentative schedule, as follows:
1st Inning - The Dark Horse
2nd Inning - Merkle's 
3rd Inning - Mullen's
4th Inning - Sluggers
5th Inning - Cubby Bear
6th Inning - Harry Caray's 
7th Inning - Murphy's Bleachers
8th Inning - Casey Moran's
9th Inning - Bernie's

So there you have it.  We are giving you over 2 months notice, so set your plans accordingly.  

More details to follow.

Read More »»

Monday, February 16, 2009

25 Things We Aren't Bitter About: 21-25

. Monday, February 16, 2009
1 comments

It came to our attention that certain elements of the blogoverse find us to be, shall we say, sarcastic and bitter. We have no idea why. Anyhow, the experience has inspired us to round up 25 of the things that give us the joy that only a bright Saturday afternoon game against the Cardinals can. These are in no particular order, and I suspect we'll likely end up leaving out some great elements of the Cubs universe. Feel free to correct us in the comments.So to the mysterious blog aggregator (or aggregatrix) who deemed us sarcastic and bitter - please consider the following declarations of joy and happiness. Oh, and fuck off.

21 - Pat and Ron



Earlier this year, while watching the Bears listening to Joe Buck date-rape my enjoyment of the game, Steve brought up the point that football would be a lot better with local color. The joys and sorrows of unabashed homers giving play-by-play is something about the Cubs that I'll always love. We love Santo for the non-sequitors and screaming. Others hate the play-by-play for exactly that. But a disinterested party? They can still suck - suck like Joe Morgan. Give me Pat's ugly sweaters and Ron's peg legs any day.

22 - Free stuff

What do bobbleheads, sponsored hats, and car flags have in common? They're all things I wouldn't ever buy on my own, but will show up early at the park and throw elbows to get. There's something about ballpark giveaways that really gets at the cheap hoarder in me. Isn't that right, Fukudome bobblehead on my desk?


Did he just poop a case of Pepsi?

He says yes. Repeatedly.

23 - The White Sox


I know what you're thinking. "The White Sox? FUCK the White Sox!" This is also what I'm thinking.

Jeez - the eyes follow you across the room

Isn't it great to have something to hate with all your might, like Emmanuel Goldstein in 1984? Everything that Sox fans love and value is wrong and terrible an un-American. And they think the same about us. The rivalry electrifies the city, and it frankly doesn't hurt that our side of town will always be the city's favorite. So thanks White Sox - because fuck you, White Sox.

24 - Salt & Pepper Diner


Lionel Richie and Old Style. Shit yes.

I swear, this will one day be it's own post. In a sea of over-priced game day "specials" and some of the most horrible bar food outside of Kuwait City, Salt & Pepper diner offers a kickass chef's specialty breakfast burrito (ask for extra jalapenos) and six dollar pitchers. You can go to Cubbie Bear and get a room temperature can of Miller Lite for a dollar less. Is there any doubt that it's a pre-game WAIW favorite?

25 - The Cubs fan community


Alcohol may have been a factor

In the end - and because we're in need of a melodramatic emotional conclusion - there's nothing about being a Cubs fan that beats getting to know other Cubs fans. Whether it's commenting over at COI, bullshitting with other fans in the 500 section, or debating the finer points of why Jason Marquis sucks with a bartender, the Cubs fan community is the most rewarding one in sports. You can always tell within five minutes of good Cubs conversation whether someone's a true blue fan, or they're just around to hitch on to the eventual reflected glory of The Year. Hell, we'll even take those bandwagon hoppers, because we're Cubs fans, and as a result, we're better people for it.

This has been fun. Thanks for showing up.

Read More »»

Friday, February 13, 2009

25 Things We're Not Bitter About: 16-20

. Friday, February 13, 2009
3 comments

It came to our attention last week that certain elements of the blogoverse find us to be, shall we say, sarcastic and bitter. We have no idea why. Anyhow, the experience has inspired us to round up 25 of the things that give us the joy that only a bright Saturday afternoon game against the Cardinals can. These are in no particular order, and I suspect we'll likely end up leaving out some great elements of the Cubs universe. Feel free to correct us in the comments.So to the mysterious blog aggregator (or aggregatrix) who deemed us sarcastic and bitter - please consider the following declarations of joy and happiness. Oh, and fuck off.

16 - Rubberband Man


"Hey thou, prepare thyselves .."

The discovery of one of my favorite things ever began with frustration unknown to most men. As a former entertainment editor, it kills me to not know something related to pop culture. Well, Emily began hearing a song at Wrigley over the P.A. that just so happened to coincide with my last call beer runs. She loved it, but had no idea what it was - the audio quality on the Eisenhower-era P.A. speakers wasn't such that you could pick out specific lyrics. But even then, the song was intoxicating to her. This drama of not knowing went on for several games, to the point where she was considering e-mailing someone in the front office. She even called me from a Starbucks that was playing the song and held the phone up to the speaker in an ultimately futile attempt at identification. I felt like less of a man. Then we brought my brother to a game, who does this whole retarded Rain Man thing with music. He not only was able to identify it, but happened to have it on his iPod. Kids these days. This was the song:



Seriously, that is a bad-ass song. I think it may be Marmol's music, but I seem to recall hearing it later that year in times of Marmollessness. It was always in the 8th inning. Either way, if I hear one more reliever come in to "Enter Sandman," I'm going to put on mime makeup and nail my pinkie toe to a sheet of plywood. Emily, not prone to outburts of self-violence, likes to think that it's a favorite of the P.A. guy, and he sneaks it in there every time he can. I would dig that.

Regardless, "Rubberband Man" is bad ass. It's so bad ass, that it makes T.I.'s "Rubber Band Man" more badass through name association. It went from unknowable frustration into the realm of my top 10 favorite songs. Without hyperbole, if you don't like this song, you are literally worse than Hitler. That's right - a Hitler reference on the Internet. The gauntlet has been thrown. Now crack a beer and toast to the Spinners, you sons of bitches.

17- 1998


What's more dated, Sammy being a beloved figure, or someone actually buying a TV guide?

In 1998, everything was changing for me. I was newly in high school, and the catamaran of my youth was in the process of being battered to hell by the tropical storm Puberty. To top it off, even the Cubs were behaving differently. They were winning, and some kid named Kerry Wood was absolutely burning it up. There were ups and downs, and a deliciously terrifying conclusion to the playoff race. I still have fond memories of Sammy Sosa from this year, despite the man's repeated attempts to erase them from my memory. During the dark year that was 2004, I remember thinking "how the fuck are we choking this bad when we made the playoffs in 1998?" That team was by no means a powerhouse. Steve Trachsel was our #2. Gary Gaetti and Mickey Morandini were the leaders of the infield. Some dick named Brant Brown got enough playing time to almost ruin my young life. And yet they perservered, winning a playoff slot that at the time meant the world to me (Damn you, raised expectations!). I would talk about the previous day's game with literally anyone who would listen - including this tall dude named Steve who I hadn't met before.

And now you know ... the rest of the story.


18 - Jersey watching

One of the best things about being urban is the sheer volume and diversity of people to watch. And when I'm settled into my green plastic chair, I like to commence the watchin'. There are mild amusements, like the fanny packs, mullets, and douchebags wearing Devin Hester jerseys for some reason. But nothing, to me, beats the guy walking around in his Nomar Garciaparra, Mark Prior, or ... this thing


I'm going to Mesa at the end of the month. If I come back with something like this, I want one of you readers to drive a stake through my heart.

19 - Old Style with peanut shells


The nutritional pyramid

You can't eat peanuts and drink Old Style at the park without the twain meeting in your cup. This is cross contamination that I can really support. I suggest you do the same.

20 - Foam Claw guy

A vendor's albatross. Let's hear it for Samuel Taylor Coleridge references!

Is there a crappier job in the entirety of Cubdom than the guy who has to walk around trying to vend foam claws? While his compatriots in hotdogdom and beerdom are up to their shoulders in customers, they walk around looking sort of sad. And the job even neuters the best part of the job, which is the yelling:

Beer guy: "beAH, BEER heAH! Cold OLD STYLE - WHO wants an OLD STYLE?"

Hot dog: "HOT DOG! Red hots HERE"

Lemon ice: "Cool! LEMONCHILLLEMONICE!"

Foam claw: "Pardon, but would anyone care for ... ahem ... foam claw. What has happened to my life? I can't live anymore" (puts gun in mouth, can't quite bring self to pull trigger, cries and listens to the Cure in the shower). Pitying the foam claw guy is one of my favorite pastimes.

Read More »»

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

25 Things We're Not Bitter About: 11-15

. Wednesday, February 11, 2009
2 comments

It came to our attention last week that certain elements of the blogoverse find us to be, shall we say, sarcastic and bitter. We have no idea why. Anyhow, the experience has inspired us to round up 25 of the things that give us the joy that only a bright Saturday afternoon game against the Cardinals can. These are in no particular order, and I suspect we'll likely end up leaving out some great elements of the Cubs universe. Feel free to correct us in the comments.So to the mysterious blog aggregator (or aggregatrix) who deemed us sarcastic and bitter - please consider the following declarations of joy and happiness. Oh, and fuck off.


11 - Urinal Troughs 


I can't even count the number of times I have had to tell people that is a sink, not a urinal


Any man that has ever stepped inside Wrigley has experienced pissing into a trough.  These bathrooms have been a lifesaver many times for 1,000s, from those that no longer have to worry about aim after their 80th ounce of Old Style (see: authors) to those that have stayed in for an extra few minutes as it is the only escape from the miserably cold April games.  For those of you that find it uncomfortable to stand in line 20 wide (no shrinkage excuses allowed June - September), keep in mind that there was once a time when there was no middle divider.  There you stood, staring at a person across from you with nothing in your way blocking the whole show.  Where do you even look?!  Stare down: awkward; make eye contact: holy shit, I'd rather stare down.  Imagine the horror as a child, standing at what is waist level for most of the other occupants!  Yet we have all been through it, and remember the benefits (see above) every time we catch a little something out of the corner of our eye.


12 - Obstructed Views



This view can cost you hundreds of dollars

It has happened to us all.  "Sweet, I just scored some awesome 200 level seats! Can't wait to watch the game!"  After going through the turnstile and fighting off other people for the promotional giveaway like the UN is handing out rations, collecting the required supplies (for me: nachos (extra jalapenos); Old Style), and head to our seats (inevitably already missing the first pitch).  As the people you are with continue to head up the ramp, knowing your habit to buy the cheapest 500 level seats you can find, you stop them.  "Not today," you say, "we have seats in the 200 level."  Clearly, they are impressed.  You stroll down to your row, and what do you discover?  A giant beam in the exact spot that make you miss any complete play in the infield.  Most people find this to be obnoxious, but I think of it as paying your dues.  I have been burned so many times, I now know what rows the poles are at in each section and can avoid them.  It is part of the Wrigley experience, and if you have never experienced an obstructed view, you haven't been to enough Cubs games. 


13 - Wrigleyville


Pictured: location of way too much debauchery in your beloved authors' 20s


Like any respectable graduate of a Big 10 University (BTFU!), I moved to Wrigleyville right out of school.  Why wouldn't I?  It is basically a college town except people are earning paychecks.  While I have subsequently moved out of the area (shout out to Lincoln Square!) there will always be a special place in my heart for certain establishments on Clark.  Mullen's in particular is our spot.  There is nothing exceptional about this bar, and in fact, I normally warn people that haven't been there before to not get their hopes up.  Perhaps it is because this is where we spent too many nights on the first summer we all lived in the city.  Back then, the back alley was exactly what it sounded like.  Crappy patio furniture and spotty service.  I can't even tell you how many times we were inadvertently locked outside there by ourselves, waiting for someone from the kitchen to take out the trash (unless of course, we were out of beer, in which case, desperate banging on the door would occur).  It has been the location of every one of my birthday's in the city, and the place we seem to venture when any significant Cub win occurs.  While things have changed, and their alley is now completely finished and features numerous TVs, it will always be our default place to meet after the game.  


14 - Friday Afternoon Truancy 


Ferris got the idea to use Abe Froman's name after visiting #11


Friday afternoons.  The feeling in the air during a Friday afternoon game is different from any other.  After all, you probably aren't supposed to be there. Truant! Truant! Truant! They'll all say!  Something about cutting out of work before 11, head to Bernie's for a couple (while I know I just professed my love of Mullen's, Bernie's is the pre-game spot, always...even after getting kicked out twice in one afternoon), and sit down for a beautiful Friday afternoon watching baseball.  I think we in Chicago take this for granted.  There has been some talk of the organization wanting the city to allow them to play night games on Friday to ease their turn around time from when they come back from roadtrips.  I would be OK with 3:00 starts, but please, I beg of you, don't take away my favorite days in summer. 


15 - Fan Foto

The "Proof" across my chest indicates that there truly is, in fact, no obligation to buy


The most thankless job in the world.  Taking pictures of people who are having fun while you desperately try to get rid of all your cards so you can catch a little of the game.  I always allow the Fan Foto people to get our pictures, and though I have never purchased one, I have found alternative ways for acquiring the digital version (if you don't mind quite intrusive lettering, of course).  I have a whole collection of these, and they all bring back fond memories.  I guess the reason I enjoy them so much is because, despite always bringing my camera, I never seem to remember to break it out.  So I salute you tireless workers, for giving me the memories I forget to give myself. 

Read More »»

25 Things We're Not Bitter About: 6-10

.
0 comments

It came to our attention last week that certain elements of the blogoverse find us to be, shall we say, sarcastic and bitter. We have no idea why. Anyhow, the experience has inspired us to round up 25 of the things that give us the joy that only a bright Saturday afternoon game against the Cardinals can. These are in no particular order, and I suspect we'll likely end up leaving out some great elements of the Cubs universe. Feel free to correct us in the comments.So to the mysterious blog aggregator (or aggregatrix) who deemed us sarcastic and bitter - please consider the following declarations of joy and happiness. Oh, and fuck off.

6 - Go Cubs Go



What has two thumbs and learned to center an embedded video? This guy.

We'll admit that it was pounded into the ground last year by bandwagon-jumping radio DJs and other such tool-ish elements of Cubs fandom. But I grew up listening to this song - and it just so happens that at the moment, it's not being enjoyed ironically. Post-college, Steve and I used to listen to the song while drinking our last beers before heading out to Wrigley. Back then, the chances were much slimmer that we'd hear the song again at the end of the game. If you hate this song, then you hate Steve Goodman. And if you hate Steve Goodman, then the terrorists have already won.

7 - The Bud Roof


Ah, Budweiser, as American as baseb.. what's this about the Belgians, now?

I am emphatically not a Budweiser man. I was raised on Miller products, which of course led to any number of birth defects and learning disabilities. I CAN RIDE A BIKE! Anyhow, despite my non-identification with Budweiser and their shitty marketing, I always enjoy seeing the Red Budweiser roof across the street as I settle into my seat. From the cheap-ass section, you tend to get a pretty nice view. I briefly panicked when it was switched to Bud Light, but turns out that was only for the Winter Classic. I was somewhat worried when the owner covered it with a tarp, but that was soon settled. I also chuckle every time it's not in a video game, because sports games are most often rated E.



8 - Concerts

"are right behind you, Milton. Do not attempt to escape ..."

Call me some lame, Sting-loving douche all you want, but I enjoyed the Police show at Wrigley. Sure, Sting had to go screw things up with decades of pretentious faux-Eastern dickishness, but you can't tell me that the first three Police albums weren't excellent. Or maybe you can - who knows. Either way, after the worst opening band in history (and I've seen a few), which just so happened to include Sting's son (Bite, Prick, Scratch?), the main act came onstage. I'm not going to lie, they may have lost a step or two. Sting is perhaps no longer what we would call cutting edge. But I enjoyed the hell out of myself. Part of it was the eight hours of barbecuing and drinking done beforehand, but most was the "Holy shit, I'm seeing a show at Wrigley Field!" factor.

9 - New Cubs

"Ah, what the hell, I'll take it. He'll at least be here a few years."

Every year, there's a couple new signings that raise eyebrows. In that time before they play a single game, the possibilities are limitless in my fertile imagination. Maybe Milton Bradley will win the NL batting title and not assault anyone. Maybe adding Maddux is all we need to take the Series in 2004. Maybe Gary Gaetti is the answer for our troubles at 3rd. With every new signing, there's that wonderful part before the player goes out and performs like, you know, a human. Savor that moment.

10 - Wrigley Tourists


"Where did you folks say you were from, again?"

Tourists are, by and large, obnoxious people in fanny packs who can kiss my ass. Yet at Wrigley, the wide-eyed masses - whether they be from Peoria, Nebraska, Texas, or California - solidify the sense of privilege I have to be able to go to the park with regularity during baseball season. Some of these people are on their one trip to the Friendly Confines that they'll ever go on, and it just so happens that Koyie Hill is behind the plate and Jason Marquis is throwing meatballs. But they don't care - they're just happy to be there. Start a conversation if you can - if you really want to know what you value most about being a Cubs fan, listen to what you say to people who have never been to Wrigley before. And at some point, drop the fact that you get to go to a couple dozen or so games a year - because what's living on the North Side without feeding off a little jealousy?

Read More »»

Monday, February 9, 2009

25 Things We Aren't Bitter About : 1-5

. Monday, February 9, 2009
9 comments

It came to our attention last week that certain elements of the blogoverse find us to be, shall we say, sarcastic and bitter. We have no idea why. Anyhow, the experience has inspired us to round up 25 of the things that give us the joy that only a bright Saturday afternoon game against the Cardinals can. These are in no particular order, and I suspect we'll likely end up leaving out some great elements of the Cubs universe. Feel free to correct us in the comments.So to the mysterious blog aggregator (or aggregatrix) who deemed us sarcastic and bitter - please consider the following declarations of joy and happiness. Oh, and fuck off.

This is why domes suck


#1 - True city baseball

Some MLB teams, while named for metropoli like Tampa Bay, Kansas City, and Los Angeles, might as well change their names to, say, The Just-Outside-of-Kansas City Royals, or the St. Petersburg Rays. Even some of the downtown-located ballparks don't have much to offer due to the inherent crappiness of their surroundings. I'm looking at you, Chase Park in Arizona.The Cubs? Red Line it to Addison, and enjoy the greatest city in the world while you wait for the gates to open.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome ... John Mayer!" NOOOOOOOOO.... oh God. It was just a nightmare.

#2 - Night games

Before you scream at me, I'd like to say that I'm in staunchly in favor of day baseball. It's one of the greatest parts of being a Cubs fan. But it's the limiting of night games that makes them such a great break from the usual. For a few hours, everything about Wrigley is different - the crowd, the atmosphere, the views. In spite of a lifetime as a Cubs fan, I didn't see my first night game until I moved back to Chicago in 2006. It was the final night game of the year, against the not-yet-as-hated Milwaukee Brewers. The Cubs, as you recall, sucked ass throughout that year - Dusty's final one ruining our pitchers. They spent most of the game playing catch up - as the Goldschlager wore off, the tension increased. Finally, our Boys in Blue won it on Henry Blanco's 2-out RBI single. I went insane for the win - which pulled us up to 65-94. It didn't matter. I'd been in love with Wrigley during the long, hot days, and now I found an entirely new set of things to love during that cool Chicago night. It was like loving a woman with all your heart, and then she gets a new haircut. Or you find out she likes comic books and whiskey. I swoon.


Hey, they stole that W from our koozie design! Oh, wait.

#3 - The scoreboard

People could spend entire lifetimes praising the scoreboard - I'm sure some boring bastards even have. It sweeps over the park like a benevolent green overlord, and has a certain romantic charm. If you don't think about how it must smell crammed with scorekeepers on a July afternoon. Everyone's got their favorite part about the scoreboard, but I'll wager mine is different than most people's. I love the Wrigley scoreboard because I don't have to watch stupid-ass races every half inning. If I had to listen to some gel-haired jackass exhorting me to root for spark plug 1,2, or 3 to round the electronic base path first (brought to you by Napa Auto Parts), I'd committ seppuku with a souvenir collectable spoon. God bless Wrigley's scoreboard - it's a fine thing when an inanimate object knows to shut the fuck up.


Sadly, this is not an adorable head pose. His spine is like that.

#4 - Old people fans are adorable

No, that Stan Hack jersey isn't a throwback item from Cubs.com. It's the original, and he (or she) has been wearing it to the same seat every year since people still called years "aught-seven" without irony. Wrigley is blessed with a great number of fans and ushers who have been warming the Friendly Confines since bleacher seats were the cheap option to see a game.
I'll give you 2:1 her name is Lilly. Don't think so with Zambrano, though.

I've met a few of these people, and they're the kind of warm, friendly senior citizen you rarely encounter outside of a Werther's Original commerical. Where others are enjoying Matlock and Andy Williams, they're soaking up the sun and hating the shit out of the Cardinals.They were Cubs fans before it was hip. For that, I'll buy them a beer.


#5 - Hot dogs

Wrigley Field is not known for its food. I believe it's Aramark food service, which is the Arby's of catering. Hell, there are probably a half-dozen better places to get a hot dog within a block of the park, speaking from a purely culinary standpoint. And yet when you go through the gates, all rules of time, space, and the nature of reality are off. Somehow, in that narrow window of time, the foil-wrapped conglomeration of steamed bun and warm dog is the greatest thing in the history of eating. At least, once you give it mustard, pile on the day-glo relish, and give it a good ten seconds under the onion hopper. Let me set a scene for you:


I love this as much as I hate hippies

It's Labor Day 2008, Astros at Cubs. For once, I'd splurged on some bleacher tickets for Steve, my brother, my girlfriend and me. My girlfriend was, at the time, mired in the depths of ill-advised vegetarianism brought on by the bad influence of a book provided her by my vegan sister. I'd just gone to get beers and hot dogs, and commenced with the eatification soon after returning to right field. In my peripherals, in between Hunter Pence-directed taunts, I could sense conflicting emotions. Suddenly, she turned, said "that smells ... really .. good" (Shatner-like in its cadence) and asked for a bite. Two weeks later, she was back on the NY Strip Steaks, and the Wrigley dog had ascended to that near-mystical place of vegetarian conversion. For my money, this was the greatest Cubs victory of my lifetime.

Read More »»