Crimes Against Commerce: Holiday Edition

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Crimes Against Commerce: Holiday Edition

. Wednesday, December 16, 2009

You can call us here at WAIW a lot of things, but one thing you can never say is that we are curmudgeons around the holidays. As such, it is our duty to provide you a gift-list of sorts. Only, unlike your "traditional" lists, we are going to focus on the awful, the ridiculous, and the absurd. These are the items that you open from your great-Aunt Dolores because you made that mistake of telling her you were a Cubs fan, and now every Christmas you have to pretend to really enjoy the gift. Of course, it's the thought that counts. So let's give ol' Dolores a break, and prepare ourselves for the present you are bound to open this year.

Promotional code provided if you listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart' four times in a row

Well, well, well...what do we have here? If you were wondering how you could show your affection for both NASCAR AND professional baseball (normally a feat reserved for Cards fans), we have the perfect gift for you. What I find most egregious of this is the fact that this is listed under the category "Fashion Hats." The only thing fashionable about that hat is how late the person wearing it showed up to etiquette class (and congratulations are in order for the reader, for reading what is now officially the gayest zinger a straight man has ever written!).

More fabulousness, after the jump.

Joe Paris is said to be horribly disappointed he didn't win #1 Fan

As for this one, it's not so much how horrific it is, but more-so how they took the liberty of filling in the name. We here at WAIW are nothing if not hard-hitting journalists (think 'Hard Copy' with 3 pints of Guinness), so we were inclined to investigate who MLB had anointed to be there "#1" guy. Upon some research, we found that it is really the most mundane, trying to hipster artist out there. Maybe if I make some crappy drawings, I can be recognized too. Oh wait, it didn't work for John.

The three R's: Rhat Rhe Ruck?

Now, I challenge you, dear reader, to even begin to comprehend what the hell was the thought process behind this design. MLB has made these for every team, so it isn't a Cubs issue, but take a step back and realize how retarded this is. It is capitalization at its worst, with MLB trying to make money off the fact that we are killing the Earth. Really, I want you to take 5 seconds and think about how little sense this makes. Of course, while trying to bring this paragraph to its logical conclusion, I wanted to end it with a clever joke about pollution. Unfortunately, WikiAnswers told me not to bother:

The perfect gift for your dog that was unable to survive thousands of years of evolution.

I suppose this one isn't obvious as to why it offends me. But, living in Lincoln Square, I have to deal with my fair share of dog walkers on my walk to and from the Metra station. While dogs already disconcert me (with their making eye-contact with me while they shit, and whatnot), nothing pisses me off more than people that feel the need to put clothes, coats, or gloves on their dogs. Seriously?! This animal is a product of Darwinism and has evolved to the point where they can handle the outside temperatures. IT IS WHY THEY HAVE FUR. If you ever see me walking a dog with clothing on it, please steal the keys to my Volvo Mini-van and run me over repeatedly.
"Gee thanks Mom! I love baseball! Wait a minute...these flash cards have nothing to do with baseball. I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH DAD!"

Believe it or not, the MLB shop has a "School Supplies" section. Included in that is this sweet package, containing Addition and Multiplication flash cards and an amazing set of not 1, not 2, not 3, (punched in the face), BUT 10 markers! And just how much does it cost to have MLB sanction your education? This package can all be yours for a measly $16.99. $16.99!!!!!!! This entire package is probably available at Aldi free for showing up.

So there you have it. Your anti-gift list. from all of us at WAIW, we hope you have a wonderful holiday!