Weekend Recap: 21 Facts About Milton Bradley

Monday, September 21, 2009

Weekend Recap: 21 Facts About Milton Bradley

. Monday, September 21, 2009



"ARE YOU PLOTTING AGAINST ME, BAT? I'LL KILL YOU!"

The Cubs lost another series over the weekend. It's almost becoming passe. You know you've become one numb son of a bitch when a series loss to the Cardinals in September passes you by with all the moronic obliviousness of a seagull. Also - fuck seagulls. And pigeons. The lady in the building next to mine inexplicably puts out catering trays of snack mix for those flying rat fucks. So what do I get when I shuffle out the door at 6:15 in the morning? Fucking Hitchcock, but with more plague. I feel like I'm rambling. Like there should be something I'm supposed to ...

OH YEAH

THE CUBS SUSPENDED THAT FUCK MILTON BRADLEY FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON

Now I know that you know this already - WAIW has never been one of the news-breaking blogs - but I wanted you to get my full, gleeful reaction to it. Because fuck that guy. Seriously - I mean this in the most non-racial, non-hateful (past his relations with the team and fans) way. Fuck him.

But before he departs from our lives like bad State Fair chili through the digestive system of our fanhood (Ed note: ???), I'd like to share 21 (in honor of both his jersey number and his IQ) facts about our star-crossed RF that you might not have known.

WAIW's 21 Facts About Milton Bradley*

1. Milton Bradley, despite his struggles in '09, is a lifetime .277 hitter.

2. He is also a lifetime douchebag.

3. Milton Bradley most likely thinks that Uno's Chicago Grill is "local Chicago Food."

4. Bradley, as mentioned in #3, is no food critic. But one time, he was eating a Ho-Ho, and said "MOTHERFUCKER, STOP PLOTTING AGAINST ME. I WILL KILL YOU." It is unclear whether he was addressing a nearby sports reporter, or the Ho-Ho.

5. I'm not accusing him of anything, but Milton can't prove that he wasn't on a certain grassy patch of ground on November 22, 1963 in Dallas.

6. Milton Bradley once came in second in a talent competition, and he went fucking ballisitc, cursing out the judges, accusing his competitors of plotting against him, and swearing revenge. The-1st placed contestant? A Ms. Jon Benet Ramsey.

7. Milton has had a long history of speaking out at the worst possible time, like the time he shouted "Dammit, Anne Frank! I know we have to be quiet! It's not as if anyone can hear us up here."

8. Milton Bradley invented POGS. Then cruelly denied us the collectible Alf POGS set we so craved.

9. Milton Bradley has written all of the Simpsons episodes for the past ten seasons.

10. Milton Bradley was injured by Bud Black - a feat previously accomplished only by Black's sass-talking grandkids.

More satire (satire being a completely different thing than libel) after the jump



11. Before he was a baseball player, Bradley worked at a boardwalk carnival, scamming rubes. Years later, the ultimate score - 3 years, $30M from the King of Rubes.

12. April 15, 1978. Milton Bradley born. On the same day, two express trains collide head-on in Italy, killing 43. Coincidence?

...

Yeah, probably. But he's a jerk.

13. Milton Bradley prefers the original Battlestar Galactica over the sleek, 2000s version. What an idiot.

14. One time, a waiter was rude to Milton Bradley. Most of us would just let it go, but he waited ... and seethed ... and plotted ... and then alternated those things for awhile. Then he tracked the poor bastard down. And thence did he say "RONALD GOLDMAN, I DEMAND SATISFACTION!"

15. April 15, 1997 - baseball honors Jackie Robinson by retiring the number 42. April 16, 1997 - Milton Bradley heard to exclaim to equipment manager "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T WEAR 42? ARE YOU PLOTTING AGAINST ME? I'LL KILL YOU!"

16. March 28, 1988 - Weird Al Concert disrupted by lone black man in the front row repeatedly screaming "THAT'S NOT HOW THE SONG GOES! ARE YOU PLOTTING AGAINST ME? I'LL KILL YOU!"

17. 1935 - Milton Bradley dreams of a new dirigible. It will soar gracefully over the state of New Jersey, and will be called "Hindenberg." And it will be filled with the most flammable gas he can find. Nice job, fuckhead.

18. Bought his first baseball glove with the proceeds from acting as an informant to one Pontious Pilate.

19. Owns the original cast recording of "Cats." Cries to "Memory."

20. He eats teddy bears. As evil as that might seem, we are quick to point out it's also just really fuckin' weird.

21. August 1921 - Heard to exclaim "DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT. NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM ME!"

*(Note: "Facts" are not, in fact, facts. Please don't charge our digital pressbox, Milton)

2 comments:

Mitch said...

I knew there would be glee at WAIW when I saw the news about MB. Been looking forward to your reaction. Well done.

Erin said...

Is it premature to do a "See ya Later, Suckass!" for Milton? I'm loving the production and the 3-0 record since his suspension. Good Riddance!!!!!!!!