WAIW Mad Science: Hate-Dex 2000

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

WAIW Mad Science: Hate-Dex 2000

. Wednesday, September 9, 2009




It's been there all season, just waiting for you every time Kevin Gregg came in with the lead. Your hate. Your rage. Your specific wishes of voodoolike misfortune upon various members of this Cubs team. Some say that real fans support everyone on their team, all the time. Bullshit. That's little league. As adults, our rollercoastering levels of emotion follow the triumph and failure of our baseball team. At least some of it - we're not sick monomaniacal freaks, after all. Anyway, WAIW has invented a system of quantifying your various pissy feelings toward the current squad: Hate-Dex 2000. BEHOLD!

- Assign any members of the 2009 Cubs that you so choose a number of hate points, from 1-100.

- On-field personnel only. I'm not looking at any "Jim Hendry - 90, Sam Zell - 5, Lou Piniella - 5" ones.

- You can choose as many or a few players as you like. You may include departed members of the '09 squad, but should that player be long gone or minimally involved, that will likely lead to ridicule ... and hemorrhoids.

- Seriously only players. No "booing fans" or "negative media coverage." Put on your man pants, Sally Mae. It's vitriol time.

- Put yours in the comments. We will aggregate Hate-Dex 2000 to form a sort of Rotten Tomoatoes or IMDB of the 2009 season.

See John and Steve's Hate-Dex 2000 submissions after the jump





Steve

Milton Bradley (Hate-Dex Rating: 22) - Every time something goes wrong, it's racism. All wrong, Milton. We hate your inability to field and bat. Need proof? See: Todd Hundley

Kevin Gregg (HDR: 13) - Perhaps I'm being too rough on him. After all, he had more blown saves last year with the Marlins. I guess that's what Hendry wanted.

Alfonso Soriano (HDR: 12) - Sucks

Aaron Miles (HDR: 11) - This was supposed to be your new DeRosa. Beating off a guy with a gun only knocks off so many Hate-Dex points. (Editor's Note: Steve, you might want to re-think the meaning of that last sentence. Beating off a guy with a gun only happens in those weird 8mm films I bought at that estate sale.)

Aaron Heilman (HDR: 8) - Just pisses me off.

Carlos Zambrano (HDR: 6) - The franchise? We're in trouble.

Geovany Soto (HDR: 6) - Shows up overweight and high. This isn't sophomore year of college, brah.

Ryan Dempster (HDR: 5) - Pitches his ass off in his contract year. Goes back to Ryan Dempster in the next.

Mike Fontenot (HDR: 5) - As much as I want to pull for him, his inability to do ... well ... just about anything, earns him 5 points in this one.

Carlos Marmol (HDR: 4) - Throw a goddam strike.

Angel Guzman (HDR: 3) - Solid as of late. But who cares when games no longer matter?

Rich Harden (HDR: 3) - Looks too much like a doofus. Yes. A doofus.

Aramis Ramirez (HDR: 2) - This is all personal. Lay off.



"Whyyyyy. Whyyyy was I never programmed to love?"

John

Milton Bradley (HDR: 18) - He thinks everyone's out to get him. This narcissistic paranoia is to a degree where I've started to believe he has nightmares about the clown from "It" when we goes to bed. It's the first time in my life that I've rooted for a clown.

Kevin Gregg (HDR: 14) - I would like to make him cry.

Alfonso Soriano (HDR: 11) - When you play through whatever pain you're experiencing and act like you're Joan of Arc fight bravely through the pain, then you'd better hit above .219.

Aaron Miles (HDR: 8) - Holy crap, I can't believe how bad he sucks. All my sucky expectations of suckitude couldn't possibly predict the sucky level of unrelenting suck that this sucking suck sucked. What a damn wiener.

Aaron Heilman (HDR: 7) - His crappy pitching makes me so mad that I lose all powers of eloc....FUCK FUCKBITCHASS FUCKING FATTY! FUCK YOU FATTY! YOU SUCK, YOU HOME RUN-GIVING FUCK! ... ution.

Mike Fontenot (HDR: 4) - Last year, we at WAIW invented the nickname "Malibu Mike," out of affection for the guy. This year, we're just using the catch-all term "Fuckface."

Carlos Marmol (HDR: 4) - He went from good filthy (that trampy but hot girl in your high school) to bad filthy (that same girl now) so fast that I'm surprised Ron Santo didn't have an infarction.

Ryan Theriot (HDR: 3) - Worst leadoff man since Adam was thrown out of the Garden of Eden.

Micah Hoffpauir (HDR: 3) - I began to suspect around mid-May that this guy couldn't hit a curveball if it were the murderer of his parents. Now that he's batting a healthy .228, I'd going to take this second to self-satisfiedly take a swig of beer.

Jeff Samardzija (HDR: 2) - I was basing this more on the douchebags in ND-colored Cubs shirts than anything else. Then I remembered his pitching.

Neal Cotts (HDR: 1) - He hasn't pitched for the Cubs in months, and just went through surgery. And yet I still want to punch him. If he decided to punch back, I'm pretty sure his fist would end up two feet above and to the left of my head.

Ryan Freel (HDR: 1) - Here for only a few minutes, but still stinking up the place. Like the a-holes who microwave leftover seafood at my work.

Ryan Dempster (HDR: 1) - I know he's going through family issues, so I'll refrain from sarcastic criticism. But damn this was a bad season.

David Patton (HDR: 1) - Just for reminding me of that movie "Powder" every time he was on the mound.

1 comments:

Aisle 424 said...

I didn't use the powerful Hate-Dex 2000, but I did rate the hate last week in a series of posts on my blog. Its on a scale of 1 to 10 (with a couple of liberties), but just multiply by 10 and it should meet the Hate-Dex protocol. If anyone cares to check them out, the Aisle 424 hate ratings are at:

Rating the Hate - http://tinyurl.com/lftrr4

Rating the Hate 2: Electric Boogaloo - http://tinyurl.com/okbkmq

Rating the Hate 3: Tokyo Drift - http://tinyurl.com/nkfn9y

Rating the Hate 4: Live Free or Suck Hard - http://tinyurl.com/m9tx8n