WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 25: (1950s Science Fiction Announcer's Voice) "HATE-DEX 2000!"

Friday, September 18, 2009

WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 25: (1950s Science Fiction Announcer's Voice) "HATE-DEX 2000!"

. Friday, September 18, 2009

We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. This week - the great and terrible debut of Hate-Dex 2000.


This was fun. I hate them so hard...

Aaron Miles (HDR: 20) - Apparently impervious to the Mendoza Line. Add in the fact that he's a former Cardinal, who hit .317 for them last year, and nothing short of his testicles hanging from my rearview mirror will appease me.

MB (HDR: 17) - I can't decide who's the bigger idiot - MB for exceeding our worst nightmares or me for thinking signing him would actually work. Probably me. No wait, him. Definitely him.

Zambrano (HDR: 15) - Three reasons: 1) Sit-ups? Really not that hard. 2) Ace? 3) I really liked that Gatorade machine.

Gregg (HDR: 13) - Broad shoulders will only grant you immunity for so long, Mr. Gregg.

Neal Cotts (HDR:10) - Gone but not forgotten.

Soriano (HDR: 10) - The defense was hard enough to take back when he could hit 30 home runs.

Geo (HDR: 9) - Why don’t I see Michael Phelps looking like pre-Subway Jared? Hey fatty - puff, puff, hit the treadmill.

Fontenot (HDR: 6) - Get a fucking haircut. There's nothing endearing about a mullet when you're hitting .224.


Milton Bradley (HDR: 30) - If I boo you, I'm a racist. If I cheer for you, you mock me with a ridiculously stupid "muppet gesture." Fuck you Milton!

Aaron Heilman (HDR: 25) - What a piece of shit. Enough said.

Sam Fuld (HDR: 20) - Yes, this one is strange but allow me to explain. I'm so tired of hearing how the great Sam Fuld should play everyday. Do you know what you'd get if Sam Fuld played everyday? You'd get Mike Fontenot production. Haven't we learned our lesson? Championship teams don't have Sam Fuld types playing for them everyday.

Mike Fontenot (HDR: 15) - Finally got his chance to play everyday and he proceeded to shit himself. Here's hoping we don't make that mistake again.

Alfonso Soriano (HDR: 12) - Sori is one of my favorites but I'm pissed at him right now. I spent all season telling everyone not to worry, eventually you'd go on one of your streaks where you carry this team for weeks. Needless to say it never happened. He did manage to kill this team for weeks at a time though. That sure was fun.

Aaron Miles (HDR: 11) - Can we please stop signing shitty ex-Cardinals? I'm fine if they want to send us Carpenter or Pujols but enough with the garbage. Am I the only one who's afraid that Hendry is going to sign Ankiel in the off season?

Carlos Marmol (HDR: 10) What. The. Fuck. Nice to see he's found his control once we were out of contention. You have to admit it was fun though when Marmol was the 8th inning guy and Gregg was the closer. We had the guy who led baseball in hit batsmen setting up for the guy who led baseball in giving up homers. How does Rothschild still have a job?

Kevin Gregg (HDR: 10) See Carlos Marmol

Geo Soto (HDR: 10) Zambrano gets crap from the media because he hates to do ab work but this guy shows up overweight with Ho-Ho's in hand and basically gets a free pass. How far do you have to fall for the fan base to prefer Koyie Hill starts?

Ryan Theriot (HDR: 7) Hey Ryan, you're not a power hitter! You have SEVEN goddam home runs this year, quit fucking swinging for it every goddam time.

Jeff Samardzija (HDR: 6) I have no faith. None.

David Patton (HDR: 5) I will always root against you for the rest of time. You are a complete waste of space and I'm not sure why everyone bent over backwards to keep you around this year. I'm pretty sure you're Larry Rothschild's grandson or something.

Neal Cotts (HDR: 4) Does it make me a bad person or you a shitty player that I was excited when I heard you hurt yourself and were out for the year? Probably a lot of both.

Reed Johnson (HDR: 3) So let me get this straight. You can faceplant into a wall and not get a scratch but you foul a ball off your foot and you miss 2-3 months? You're tougher than this, I thought you'd just cut it off and keep playing, I guess I misjudged you.

Aramis Ramirez (HDR: ) We don't pay you to play defense pal. Try to remember that next year, it'll save you a couple months.

More hate than you can shake a flaming bag of poop at, after the jump


Derrek Lee-- (HDR 0) I couldn't possibly hate you less, even though I wanted to trade you in the off-season and wanted Hufflepuff to start over you in the spring. You get an 89.

Aramis Ramirez (HDR 0) --Watch the shoulder, okay? And don't always swing so hard. Homeruns are boring and besides that, they're fascit. Hit some doubles once in a while. . . it's more democratic.

Jeff Baker-- (HDR 0)You don't hold a candle to DeRosa in the looks department, but I ain't mad atcha.

Milton Bradley--(HDR 10) Could you try to be a little more likable? You have a serious persecution complex and my therapist things you have some sort of major mood disorder. Just keep your trap shut and keep hitting doubles and you and I will have no problems.

Kosuke Fukudome (HDR 10) -- Could you stop with the freakin' corkscrew swing? we're all sick of it. my dad taught me not to swing like this when i was 6, so i'm not sure why you think this is still okay. on a separate note, do you watch 'shaq vs.?' because i'm pretty sure albert pujols' kid had a better swing than you do. maybe he could be your hitting coach? it would be a lot cheaper than that dude we always have to fly in from japan.

Ryan Theriot (HDR 10) You have no range unless there's a camera around. Also, your hair is stupid.

Mike Fontenot (HDR 20) ---not only is your hair incredibly obnoxious, i knew, just KNEW you would be a complete waste of space this season, I just didn't know it would be at 2nd AND 3rd.

Aaron Miles (HDR 20)-- I can't even express how much I hate you. See above. Boo! Boo! Booo!!!!

Kevin Gregg (HDR 30) you know what makes me hate you even more? the fact that you look like you'd be pretty hot if you didn't suck so bad at baseball. stop looking so confused out there, you know as well as the rest of us what's going to happen when you go out there. i'll be honest, i went back and forth between you and miles, but, in the end, giving up a 3-run homer to RONNY FUCKING CEDENO pushed you over the top. Congrats.

Ted Lilly Fan Club

The TLFCHQ was restless all of last night. Couldn't sleep. Your query haunted our normally sweet dreams of LillyHammers and unicorns. Our problem - we don't hate anyone on this team. We really don't hate anyone in professional sports, it's not like they did anything to us. The only person we really hate is Joe Buck, we give him 100.

Look, we've been to Prison. We've lived on the streets. We know that Hate is more a function of turf war and what color bandanna you're wearing, not unnecessarily filling up a spot on the 40 man roster. Further to that, Hate should be acted upon by furious destruction of property not a ranking.

So yeah, Joe Buck 100. Everyone else 0.


The great and powerful Hate-Dex has not turned on humanity, so stay tuned until next week when we incorporate A League of Her Own's sample size-bolstering Hate-Dexes and make it look and fancy and such. It's gonna drop the bomb on your ass.


J.J. said...

There is a lot of hate to go around this year, but Aaron fucking Miles gets my top vote. I can't even say/type his name without the F-word in the middle.

Cotssucker, while no longer a factor, did make my life misterable while he was up, so he gets runner up.