Wraparound Series Wrecap - Well, Shit

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Wraparound Series Wrecap - Well, Shit

. Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Surely there's a reason that we waited until Tuesday to recap the Cubs/Rockies series. Likely, because we're both feeling a bit lazy. But even more likely, because we hoped that we'd at least be writing about a series split by waiting until Tuesday. But no, the old, infuriating Cubs are at least temporarily back, and I'm running out of ways to say "curses!" without shaving my head, growing a handlebar mustache, and building a Doomsday Machine to conquer the Earth. So instead of crushing the planet 'neath the feet of my unholy wrath, let's play a game of Good Series/Bad Series:

Good Series - Kosuke Fukudome

You know what's not a good sign for a 4-game series? When your weakest-hitting outfielder provides the most consistent (6H, 4R, 1HR) offense - and he only plays 3 games. Good sign for me, though, as I retain irrational love for Fukudome.

Bad Series - Aramis Ramirez

"This strikeout is the worst thing that can possibly happen! Wait, did you hear a snapping noise?"

Aaaaaaand, injured again. At least now we can exhale. In rage.

More just like this, but way awesomer, after the jump

Being a pitching coach at Coors Field is like being a chef at an Old Country Buffet. You just have to look on in slack-jawed horror.

Good Series - Angel Guzman/Carlos Marmol/Kevin Gregg

This is truly a well-rested trio.

Bad Series - Geovany Soto

I know he's been injured and such, but his swing looked rustier than Joe Morgan's vagina.

Good Series - Ryan Theriot

He might run the bases like Helen Keller after downing a case of cough syrup, but he performed well in the leadoff spot, getting himself on base and allowing the rest of the team opportunities to disappoint.

Bad Series - Carlos Zambrano/Sean Marshall

The Chicago media's sick obsession with anything mildly newsworthy about Z continues. Fucking get over it, guys. I'm sorry he's volatile, and that he won't give you an HJ just because you work for Tribune Company.

As for Lefty, I can't even be mad at the guy. We know he sucks as a starter. Likely, he knows he sucks as a starter. But someone had to start, and that someone was probably going to get shellacked. Coors Field is like playing in a fucking video game park. Who better to undergo this abuse than the guy who can be counted on to make the bullpen go at least 5 every time he starts?

Good Series - Milton Bradley

Yes, this is what he looks like during a weekend of successful, average-raising hitting. So maybe he's just a permanent a-hole.

"Permanently 2-hole this man. Now."

The above quote was originally said by my brother in support of Milton Bradley's new place in the lineup. Instead, I thought he was quoting Deliverance.

Bad Series - Aaron Heilman/Jeff Samardzija

Scene rendered 65 percent less pathetic by digital removal of "Hang in There, Kitty" poster

These guys went out there and did what they do - gave up hits and runs, and contributed to the general malaise of Cubs fans.

Or at least I thought that Samardzija had a bad series. Now I hear that he's starting on Wednesday. That's like when I farted at work and got promoted to VP of Public Relations *.

*(Note: did not happen)

Big series against the Phillies next, and today is Ryne Sandberg bobblehead day. You'd best believe we'll be at the park good and early.


KD said...

"Joe Morgan's vagina".....I seriously almost spit out my Diet Dr Pepper....hilarious. :)