Weekend Recap: Continue?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Weekend Recap: Continue?

. Monday, August 24, 2009

The 2009 Cubs: Calling to mind unwholesome images of federal prison

Sweep avoidance or not, we got hammered this weekend. We are officially an undermatched underdog (8 muddafuckin games back!) for the remainder of the season. Misfortune, bad luck, and (mostly) our own overwhelmingly shitty play have tossed us against the rocks of fate like so many unwanted Greek myth babies. The world is out to get us, and it's doing a pretty good job punching us in the jeans. You know what that reminds me of? Fucking NES Punch-Out.

8-bit metaphor

There's no denying it - we can't beat the best teams. Last year, it was surprising to lose a series, even to a strong NL contender like the Dodgers, D-Backs (at the time), Phillies or Mets. This year, we're getting more and more numb as we scratch out 2 of 3 against sub-.500 teams and then get blindsided by better teams with lower payroll. So yeah, it can get depressing. And indeed, 8 games back is a fucking travesty considering the millions we're paying players to play, and the millions more we're paying Luis Viscaino and Chad Gaudin not to play. Bradley sucks, Samardzija super-sucks, and the less said about the gaping wound at 2nd base, the better.

"This is even worse than my last 5 movies."

It's like that fat fuck King Hippo just kicked sand in your face and beat the shit out of you in front of your girlfriend. Poor you, right? You just can't take it any more? The Cubs have broken your heart for the last time? Gonna just sit this one out and see if the Ricketts family can turn things around next year? Here's some advice: Fuck you. Hit Continue.

Behold! NES metaphor stretched to the breaking point, after the jump!

WAIW Medical Fact: If you look that happy and that beaten simultaneously, chances are you have a concussion, and are hallucinating elves

The biggest complaint that I hear is that the Cubs aren't living up to their pre-season billing (except Kosuke, who had the benefit of ridiculously lowered expectations), as if that somehow means that the universe and the game itself is currently playing unfair. But in Punch-Out, as in baseball, the game itself isn't fair or unfair. It just is. We stick with it because it's gotten under our skin, it's something we love. And we love it because despite it being 162 sessions of the same game, it's completely unpredictable. Sure, we know that the Yankees, with their $197 trillion dollar payroll, will probably finish ahead of the Pirates, who currently feature 3 10th graders in the lineup. But even this late into the season, we are aware that anything can happen. The staggering highs are terrible lows that we experience as fans every year are the endorphin shots that keep us hooked to this terrible bitch of a game. You can't just have the Cubs when they're winning. It makes you a douche. When Piston Honda beats your ass to the floor, you hit start, and you hope it turns out better next time, because it's just a game, and you've got nothing better to do.

"That's your advice? You are the worst boxing trainer ever. How the fuck did you get your cornerman's license?"

Of course, you can't always do it on your own. "No man is an island," someone said. Maybe it was on LOST or something. No, sometimes you need to dress in a pink sweatsuit and run your ass off while an egg-shaped black man yells garbled encouragement and unsolicited shit like "JOIN NINTENDO POWER CLUB TODAY" For you, dear readers, I will be that egg-shaped black man.

WAIW NES Club Advice: Piston Honda's weakness is that his taint is at Little Mac's shoulder level. KAPOW!

So yes, life sucks, and we might be a few tries away from besting that titan Mike Tyson (or Mr. Dream in the post-rape allegation versions). But Glass Joe's coming into town this week (in the form of the Nationals), and we are gonna pound that motherfucker into the ground. Go Little Mac! GO CUBS!


wolfie said...

Now that was the meandering, hilarious, depressing, nostalgia-inspiring rally cry I needed!!!


go cuauhtemoc


John said...

If we could sign Cuauhtemoc to play 2nd base, he'd fix everything. Barring that, I'll settle for Not Aaron Miles.