Padres 6 - Cubs 3: Well, It Was Nice Being a Contender For Awhile

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Padres 6 - Cubs 3: Well, It Was Nice Being a Contender For Awhile

. Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I wonder if he's already thinking "This won't end well."

So how early is too early to break out the "Wait Till Next Year"s? I mean, seriously, the Padres suck incredible ass. Or at least they did, until a certain blue and white team with consistency issues came to town. We have now LOST the series against the Padres. Just up and lost it. At this rate, I'm wondering just how well the 3-gamer against the Nats next week is going to go.

Do you know what I'm taking solace in these days? SOCCER. Although I do truly love em some soccer, I recognize that turning to it in my hour of need (need = screaming at the television) is just plain unAmerican. So let's do something quintessential to the fabric of this great nation and Our Fair City. Let's spread blame like it's fertilizer. In lieu of a straight recap (which are increasingly depressing), I'm going to pick ten of our beloved Cubs and give you a reason to blame each of them for our recent run of form.

Play the blame game along with me, after the jump

"Whoa, gotta be careful. I almost just stepped in a big, steaming pile of ... our season."

1. Lou Piniella - When asked about in-game strategic choices, repeats "Look ... Listen ... Look" for ten minutes, crippling our ability to play the percentages.

2. Carlos Zambrano - Good lord, a minor injury! And he doesn't fellate the beat writers! Let's all get our torches and pitchforks!

3. Koyie Hill - Hits like Koyie Hill.

4. Mike Fontenot/Aaron Miles - They make Jeff Baker look like a steady, dependable option.

5. Aramis Ramirez - Can only hit once in the lineup. Also, cannot come out of the bullpen in relief. I mean, pull your fucking weight around here, man.

6. Alfonso Soriano - Also hits like Koyie Hill.

7. Kevin Gregg - He provides worse relief than a bottle of dick cream made with habanero peppers.

8. Randy Wells - Integral to keeping us in the division race for so long, which means that he's extended the ripping out of Cubs fan hearts. That's just cruel. LET US WITHER AND DIE ALREADY, YOU BASTARD!

9. Jake Fox - Take one look at the guy and tell me that he's not in some crappy rap/metal band in the offseason. You can't, can you? Now please welcome to the stage, SoulFlame!

10. Milton Bradley - If this were a Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem, Jim Hendry would be forced to wear the corpse of Milton Bradley around his neck. But hey, at least we're more left-handed. Right, guys? AmIright?


KD said...

Preach on, brotha John. You are SO right.

I'm gonna go drown my sorrows in my Diet Dr Pepper now.....

Steve said...

whoa KD, lay off the hard stuff, its still early.

KD said...

I can't help it man...the Cubs have driven me to extreme measures...I may even have to do the Diet Dr Pepper with cherry. I know, I know, out of control. Damn you Cubs!

Steve said...

when 27 flavors aren't enough.