Crimes Against Commerce Wednesday: Memories From The Cocoon

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Crimes Against Commerce Wednesday: Memories From The Cocoon

. Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Of course, this was well before first pitch. By then, literally tens of people had filed into PNC.

As much as we bitch and moan about the Cubs, even (or especially) during the good years, no one doubts that things could be worse. Being a Pittsburgh Pirates fan has got to be so much worse. They were once a powerful franchise, trotting out legends like Honus Wagner, Roberto Clemente, and Bill Mazeroski. They've won 5 World Series since the last Cubs championship. Yet only a fool-ass Cubs fan would want to trade places with them now. Despite what is by all accounts a first-rate ballpark, they don't even draw as many fans as the Nationals. Hell, I follow the Chicago Fire, and even they draw more fans all the way out to 71st and Harlem Ave. than the Pirates can manage with A FUCKING FOOTBRIDGE FROM DOWNTOWN.

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Seriously, more people come out here to watch MLS soccer than come to support one of the National League's oldest franchises. Viva futbol!

It's crazy to think that when these guys were last contenders, they had Barry Bonds and Andy Van Slyke on the team. The last time they were within spitting distance of a .500 finish after that was 1997, where their $9 million payroll was enough for a second place NL Central finish(!!!), but not enough for more Ws than Ls in the final columns. Weird to think that their last winning season was the last of 3 consecutive division titles. How'd that rebuilding process go, Leyland?

Okay, this took longer to get going than I imagined. I promise to be more expedient, and use ever-more-pretentious vocabulary, after the jump.

Yet there are brave ladies and gents out there, undeterred by the fact that their team probably couldn't beat half the softball teams in Our Fair City. That's why they think that they can get away with selling shit for way too much money, which is where our Cubs tie comes in. Please, if you will, check out this auction. Or just look at the picture below.

The Pittsburgh Pirates organization is a cocoon for semi-talented caterpillars that blossom into the beautiful butterflies that are the All-Stars of other teams. The Pirates organization is a big cocoon, and it ships out its nascent Monarchs just as they're peeking through. No one is going to pay over 600 bones for a painful reminder of just that. Maybe in a home jersey, which brings me to my second painfully out of touch auction:

"Certificate of Autheticity"? Why, you might be able to forge textiles, but there's no human way to forge documents!

Right now, you might still be thinking what I like to call Sane People Numbers. That term refers to what a normal, clear-thinking adult might pay for a piddling momento of someone else's star. A hundred bucks? Seems high to me, but what else have Bucs fans got to hold on to. Now click the link. I'll wait.




THIRTEEN HUNDRED COCK SUCKING MOTHERFUCKING DOLLARS?!?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? I enjoy the sheer ballsiness of "Or best offer." I can just see them blithely laughing at an offer of $900, insulted that someone would offer them a number so low. Then again, they're Pirates fans. If they can't have insane delusion, what are they left with? I'll tell you what: one of the LaRoche brothers and a fuck-ton of AA prospects.