Adult Life: Surprisingly Like Child Life, But With Beer

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Adult Life: Surprisingly Like Child Life, But With Beer

. Thursday, August 13, 2009

All that's missing is a "No Girls Allowed!" sign

While I'm not a big collector of baseball promotional miscellanea (Cubs Dora the Explorer doll, anyone), I thoroughly enjoy bobblehead days at Wrigley Field. Something about showing up early to the game (way damn early - it's only for the first 10,000) and getting that box handed to you by the smiling elderly usher makes me all warm and fuzzy for America and Apple Pie and all the other stuff that crazy people are convinced Barack Obama is trying to take away. The other night, I finally got to participate in the ritual of craziness ("is two hours before first pitch early enough? Should I just quit my job and live outside the turnstile until the first one is handed out?") with the benefit of receiving a bobblehead of my favorite-ever player, Ryne Sandberg.

With the addition of Ryno to the bobblehead lineup, I realized that my desk at work officially look like a child's idea of what an adult's office looks like. Let's have a hilarious/sad rundown of the culmination of 25 years and a bunch of fancy higher learning.

Go ahead and laugh after the jump.

- 5 (!!!) Cubs bobbleheads: Soriano, Lee (2007), Fukudome (2008), Ernie Banks, Ryno (2009)

- Hellboy figurine. I have no defense for this. Even worse, it came free with a comic book. The mind boggles.

- More than a dozen empty tins of Altoids. I started eating them to stay awake during night grad classes, and now I have a problem.

- Framed picture of me/girlfriend at Wrigley (cue: "aww, that's so cute")

- Pez dispensers/replacement Pez. What's really pathetic here is when I decide that replacing the Pez isn't really worth my time, so I just eat an entire sleeve of it from the package. Add some whiskey and a Willie Nelson album to that, and we're talking rock bottom.

- 2 autographed baseballs: Billy Williams and Sweet Lou. Compared to the rest of the stuff I've got, this is borderline respectable.

- Cereal. I come into the office quite damn early, and as such need to do my breakfistification with my morning e-mail. Fine enough, except that the booming Free Toy Inside industry has left various things crammed into and around my desk area, including: a Lego race car, miniature Donald Duck toy, matchbox Reese's Puffs/Golden Grahams/Cheerios cars, a book for something called The Spiderwick Chronicles, Madagascar racing giraffe thing, and The Dark Knight plastic disc shooter. Why do I still have all this crap lying around? Fuck you, that's why.

- DVD sets of Trigun and Cowboy Bebop that I loaned to someone at work and never remember to take home. If you don't recognize these titles, and respect me as a Cubs blogger, you won't Wikipedia them.

- Wasting Away in Wrigleyville koozies, both 2008 and 2009 editions. Actually, these redeem it all. Everyone should have these in their office, home, car, and back pocket at all times. Order yours today. And yes, that whorish note is how I'm going to end this list.


Jay said...

I must apologize in advance. I have now realized that my favorite team sucks and the only joy I have in my pathetic life is coming over here and giving you a hard time.

That being said, how early will you be at the ballpark on 9/12 for pink hat day or do you already have enough?

SteveO said...

Why does the Fukudome bobblehead look like the crying Native American from the old "Don't Litter" commercials?

John said...

Just wait, Jay. Some night - maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow night, but some night - you're going to be walking home late at night, and you're going to hear a muted rustling and see something out of the corner of your eye. You'll try to convince yourself it's nothing, but when you hear it again, you'll just full-on bolt toward safety like a terrified pony. By the time you see the flash of pink from the doorway ahead, it will be too late ... because ... umm..


Man, I really gotta work on my endings.

Jay said...

Telling a married man that he'll get to see a flash of pink is not a threat...

John said...

Fine, now the story is going to end with you spending "us time" on the couch watching "According to Jim."


Jay said...

You are an evil, evil man.

Anonymous said...

With the addition of Ryno to the bobblehead lineup,

Email Marketing Solutions

John said...

Fuck off, fake Julie. Or should I say ... GABBO!