Cubs Sign a New Neal Cotts

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Cubs Sign a New Neal Cotts

. Thursday, July 16, 2009

Okay, maybe not. Cottsy was never an All Star, unless we're talking about the All Star Game of Giving Hand Jobs to Lonely Truckers for $14. But Ryan hasn't been exactly killing it this year, which is why the Jays were willing to pay him millions to get the fuck out of Canada - something, ironically enough, that a lot of people would themselves pay for. Still, the prorated minimum is about the smallest risk we could take on a former All Star. WAIW endorses this move, because if it doesn't work out, that'll just be one less ivory back scratcher for Tom Ricketts or Sam Zell or whatever asshole is currently running the team.

Let's compare 2008 Cotts to 2008 Ryan, just for shits.

Neal Cotts

IP - 11.0
H - 14
R - 9
ER - 9
HR - 3
BB - 9
K - 9 (Fucker liked the nines)
WHIP - 2.091

Biggest Strength: As far as Hendry concerned, the only lefty bullpen pitcher in the entire universe.

Greatest Weakness: Umm ... pitching.

BJ Ryan

IP - 20.2
H - 22
R - 15
ER - 15
HR - 5
BB - 17
K - 13
WHIP - 1.877

Biggest Strength: As far as major leaguers go, he's about as cheap as a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of Jim Beam white label, and an Atlantic City hooker. And unlike the hooker, we probably won't get stabbed/hepatitis from him.

Greatest Weakness: Project that small Cotts sample to, say 22 innings. Look familiar?

Verdict: This might be our big mid-year deal. My head hurts.


Richard said...

There's an all-star game for that?

wolfie said...

You can get hep from an A.C. hooker?