Cubs Media Monday: Mark FUCKING Grace

Monday, July 27, 2009

Cubs Media Monday: Mark FUCKING Grace

. Monday, July 27, 2009



Do you know why no one likes Derek Jeter? Let's run down the some of the list:

- He plays for the Evil Empire
- He always looks like he's three seconds away from bursting into tears
- He makes a shit-ton of money, and let's face it, there's some jealousy there
- He's as bland as a tofu sandwich on white bread

It's the last one that registers with me. As everyone from Will Leitch to my grad school PR professors said, athletes today have a financial incentive to be as bland as possible. Controversy costs them money. Hell, even being unbland gets the media's panties in a bunch. Look at Carlos Zambrano and try to disagree with me. So that's why this week's Cubs Media Monday, we're going to look back at a simpler time.

Remember how when we were kids, ballplayers seemed larger than life? Well, I've become fairly convinced that more of them really were. It's not so much us growing up as the blandification (I'm coining the shit out of that) of sport. When we were kids, Mark Grace was a fuck-spewing (sounds messy), slump busting (also messy), hard drinking son of a bitch. And it's not like he was very controversial. Now fast forward to 2009 - our most interesting player is a Venezuelan pitcher who dares to get angry. I offer as evidence of Gracey's awesomeness the following audio, taken from his time in the booth at Arizona. The hilarity will dull the pain of seeing him in a D-Backs uniform.



WITNESS MY EVER-POPULAR SECOND BY SECOND BREAKDOWN, PATHETIC MORTALS! Ahem - after the jump.



0:07 - Wait a second, that isn't Radio Gracey

0:09 - "Every fuckin' swing that guy takes is an underwater swing." Now that is quality shit talking. I think he must have seen me play softball.

0:14 - "Uhhh, you know, AJ Burnett." It took a full 2 on-air fucks to get whatever schlub the D-Backs have announcing (Thom Brennaman, if I'm not mistaken) to cut in.

0:22 - "If this guy can hit a slam off of you, get your fuckin' ass out of here."

0:22 - Hilariously, the other dude keeps using AJ Burnett as his Cussing Safety Blanket.

0:28 - Yet another f-bomb. Grace has blown Brennaman's AJ Burnett-loving mind.

0:32 - And then the apology. Don't apologize to me for that, apologize to me for verbally fellating Tim Tebow. Or for springing fully formed from your father's rotted, jet-black uterus of evil.

Admit it - you clicked on "uterus of evil" to see what I could possibly hotlink for that phrase.

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