Cubs 5 - Astros 1: Soriano Saves Fontenot's Ass, Own Ass

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Cubs 5 - Astros 1: Soriano Saves Fontenot's Ass, Own Ass

. Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The unfortunate biological result of Soriano seeing himself in a mirror

The game-winning gram slam that ended last night's game was a thing of joy and wonderment. Despite being hit on a generous arc, the ball ended up all the way at the Batter's Eye in CF, bouncing off the roof. To be succinct, Fonzie hit the absolute hell out of it. But then he had to go and be a dick about it. He did each of the following:

1. Stood stock-still and watched the entire flight of the ball. I know it pretty much ended the game, but still

2. Pointed to each of what looked like a dozen relatives in the front row, pausing to share a personal anecdote with each on his way to first.

3. High-fived Sinatro, like, really hard.

4. Did some bizarre "I'm washing my face with Jurgen's Oil Free Acne Cleanser" dance between second and third.

5. Danced the Charleston from third to home.

6. Uttered the phrase "I won the game" in the post-game conference.

7. Donned a metal mask, called himself Dr. Doom, and informed the yawning beat writers that one day very soon, they would break under the heel of his merciless oppression.

8. Took the last Fruit By The Foot from the post-game spread. I mean ... DUDE

"Vote Soriano for Senate 2012. Excuse me though, I have to run the bases."

Here's the thing: I only made up a couple of those. I certainly didn't make up #4, and when I got up this morning, I couldn't remember if it was real, or something I dreamed due to too much raw onion and Tecate during dinner (along with other things - I'm not some friggin' weirdo). The truth was, Soriano was having a fairly awful game, besides a fortuitous backpedaling catch in extras. He'd gone 0-5 with a double play and some really terrible-looking swings. And suddenly he knocks Cecil Cooper's 6th choice pitcher to Hell and back, and he's acting like Rickey Henderson? Let's show a little humility here, bud. Just a couple innings earlier, you somehow decided not to run on a slow bouncer to third that hit you in some sort of phantom foot. You weren't so high on life then.

Man, he surely did hit the holy crap out of the ball, though.

More positive jibba jabba after the jump

They're making a V for Victory. Or Vendetta. Or ... umm ... Vaseline.

Aside from his own miscues, Soriano made up for Mike Fontenot and the absolute worst attempt at a suicide squeeze I've ever seen. And I've seen Neifi Perez attempt one. Fontenot stranded Bradley between third and home, because he decided that running to first was more important than, you know, actually making contact with the pitch. Bradley got this look on his face when he saw the catcher come up with the pitch like it was Daytona and Fontenot had just cockblocked him. Which probably would have been less infuriating than seeing Malibu Mike singlehandedly make 2 outs with the bases loaded. I'm still wondering why Lou made the call at all. Or why he didn't use Andres Blanco, the only guy on the team who knows how to bunt. Or why he didn't trust Valverde to walk a 4th batter in a row. Whatever, I'm happy now.

Being a consummate professional and a smart player, Lee knew enough to immediately tell "NO TAG BACKS!"

But let's talk positives here. Zambrano looked good most of the night, aside from occasional "Outside, that's 3-0 Ron," "Ohhhhhh, geeeeeeeeez" moments. He was the recipient of some lucky-ass double plays, but that's baseball. He only gave up 3 hits in a full 7, and looked every bit as shutdown as Wandy Rodriguez, who we still can't seem to make suffer.

Still wondering why his parents would name a child Wandy. The answer is simple, though. They hated him.

We probably could have ended things sooner, but the 1-2 spots in the lineup (Reed, The Riot) went a combined 0-12. It's hard to win early when you've got that going on. Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez looked like the cornerstones they're paid to be, and D.Lee took 3 walks to go along with a 2-3 day and a Waveland home run. And while it may have escaped notice with all the tension, it's worth noting that the bullpen looked good. Damn good.

Apparently, being a colossal douche is forbidden under the NL rulebook

You know what was strange? Seeing LaTroy Hawkins get tossed so quickly. I had looked down at my dinner plate with all things normal, and by the time I looked back up, he was getting the heave and Cecil Cooper was already halfway out to home. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.


KD said...

I agree, Fonzy's douchebag behavior after the GS was completely uncalled for but hey, he won the game, right? Humility indeed Fonzy...humility indeed. I'm not down w/players giving fans of other teams further reason to hate the Cubs. So, knock it off Fonz. Thanks.

Oh, and CUBS WIN! :)

John said...

Don't get me wrong, I like Soriano. But that was two steps from parody.

Bree said...

stupid acne cleanser...

John said...

How am I just now figuring this out? Like Lao Tzu said, we're all eternal students.

That's right, I said it.