American League 4 - National League 3: The President Throws Like a Girl

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

American League 4 - National League 3: The President Throws Like a Girl

. Wednesday, July 15, 2009



President Obama walks with Skeletor, nemesis of He-Man. Eternia trembles.

Last night, our National League lost to the American League. Again. It's now been 13 years since the NL has taken home this formerly meaningless exhibition, and I'm beginning to wonder why I still watch every year. I know it's not even the biggest All Star streak of all time, but it's gotten to the point where I can't even picture in my mind a scenario where the NL players end the night hopping around on the mound like Tigger on whippets. And I'm the guy who thinks the Cubs are going to win the World Series every year.

Hit the jump for more.



Anyway, the real story here isn't the game, is it? It's Obama and his noodly girl arm.



After the pitch, the Commander in Chief (Who WAIW voted for, by the way. Blogs can vote, right?) proceeded to sell his dad's office a bunch of Thin Mints and shrieked when he saw a spider in the bathtub. We kid, but it's not like either of us pitch professionally either. Playing softball badly seems to be the upper limit of my skillz (with a Z!). I'm more apt to criticize because the camera angle was quite, shall we say, convenient. Notice we don't see the pitch land (in Pujols' glove, but in front of the plate), but have to take Joe Buck's word for it. Those Ministry of Truth bastards! WAKE UP, AMERICA!



Sure, he supports EVIL, but at least he's up front about it.

Respect to Obama for not being a pansy and wearing some all-inclusive MLB hat or jacket like Bud Selig was rumored to want. He might worship a team that represents all evil in the world, but at least he rocked that shit on national television. And he didn't pretend to be a Cubs and Sox fan, which earns him another 4 years in our book.



"Bravo team, I have a clear shot on Ryan Braun." "Roger, Alpha Team. He's designed his last douchey T-shirt."


I'm sorry, you say this is supposed to be a game recap? Well, then. Here you go: The NL had 18 batters retired in a row. They lost. They always lose. The end.



They get the guy who can fly, we get Prince Fielder, on whom gravity works doubly well

ESPN called last night's game "timeless." You have got to be kidding me. I decided to have a little BBQ last night in honor or AMERICAFUCKYEAH and our national pastime. Cubs.com told me the game was at 7, so I told Steve to come over around then. He remained skeptical, and I agreed that the pointless masturbatory pagentry of baseball loving the shit out of itself would take at least 40 minutes. I lit my charcoal Weber (AMERICAFUCKYEAH) at 5 till 7. The brats and corn on the cob were completely cooked and served by the time we saw a pitch. Fuck Bud Selig, Joe Buck, the Fox network, and everyone else who contributes to this pointless spectacle. Baseball is awesome by itself - it doesn't need crappy montages with wistful pop songs playing over the past glories of the game.



David Wright throws a bad one to first, presumably while saying things like "dorp dorp dorp, I like sprinkles!"

Tim Lincecum didn't look great, and Albert Pujols made things worse by continuing his recent fielding form. It's a good thing that Roy Halladay was just as bad. Briefly, only briefly, we had a 3-2 lead, and more importantly, we had Hope. After all, Obama was there.



"That ground rule double will stave off the heart attack nicely"

Of course, then Heath FATTY Bell came into the game, and the announcers made a great deal about the fact that this was his first All Star game ever. He'd never even made an All Star team in Little League, they said. Sounds dubious, but whatever. After they talked about how he'd never been recognized as the best, he went ahead and lost the game on a sac fly to Pacman Jones. Sure, the NL still had two innings, but Steve and I knew it was over right then. We decided to spend the rest of the time drinking beer and arguing over whether the NL should have walked Victor Martinez. SHOULDN'T HAVE WALKED HIM, ASSHOLE! I'M RIGHT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALLALALALALALALA



"Thank you for this glass bat. I will put it the place of honor where it belongs - the Hall of Tacky Shit, in 1986."

Ted Lilly didn't even get into the game, which was a kick in the ass, considering he was a big part of the reason we were watching in the first place. But at least we can't blame him for the continuance of the ridiculous streak we currently see. For that, we'll shit on Pujols. How come Pujols only goes 0-3 when I'm pulling for him? That shit isn't fair.

3 comments:

J.J. said...

"Bravo team, I have a clear shot on Ryan Braun." "Roger, Alpha Team. He's designed his last douchey T-shirt."

This has to up there as one of the best captions EVER!

Jen said...

Ha! A close second, as you know my heart will always lie with "Mike Piazza called, he wants his vagina back". Good times.

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