20 Things Less Painful Than Last Night's Game

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

20 Things Less Painful Than Last Night's Game

. Tuesday, July 21, 2009



Given his track record, it's pretty clear that last night's performance by Ted Lilly was a fluke. Maybe his knee was bothering him more than he let on, maybe it was the fact that he hadn't pitched for over a week. But either way, that was one horrendous ass-kicking we endured, and the word fluke doesn't make that fact go away.

Being a Cubs fan is pain, and having grown up with the team, Steve and I have become experts on the subject. So in lieu of a recap (which would be mighty damn dull given our pathetic performance), we'll give you 20 things less painful than last night's game.

1. Staying up late to watch your beloved Cardinals, all the while knowing that the Denny's isn't going to assistant-manage itself at 6:30 tomorrow morning.

2. Finding your uncle's cache of Sailor Moon/Miami Vice erotic fan fiction.

3. Breaking your arm, enabling you to throw 100+ MPH, then breaking it again during a pennant race with your fat, hairy nemesis at the plate. THROW THE FLOATER, HENRY!

4. Knowing you'll never be half as smooth as Glenn Beckert.

5. Drinking during the post-game press conference each time Lou says "look," or "listen."

15 more after the jump.



6. Trying to explain the concept of infinity to a toddler. Alternately, teaching fielding technique to Alfonso Soriano.

7. Trying to explain to a baseball neophyte why exactly Fukudome spins around after striking out. I mean, shit, you have no idea yourself.

8. Knowing you spent that $149 on the official Milton Bradley jersey back in April.

9. There's ... ummm ... this. I couldn't bring myself to embed.

10. Booting up Oregon Trail on the trusty Apple II, only to die of dysentery five minutes in.

11. Actually dying of dysentery on the real life Oregon Trail.

12. Getting your face punched by a player who later turns out to be a whiny pansy and gets his ass kicked in turn by a Venezuelan pitcher. Just hypothetically.

13. Showing up to Lillith Fair in your "Drunk Chicks Dig Me" shirt.

14. Those FUCKING TIM ALLEN COMMERCIALS ABOUT STUPID FUCKING SHITTY MICHIGAN. ASS HELL BITCH SKASHGKLAHSGKHASGHASGHASKLGHA:SGH:KASGH

15. Any 3 Black Eyed Peas songs, played sequentially while you're in line at the DMV. For your prostate exam.

16. Unlicensed dentistry.

17. Reflecting for more than six seconds on the popularity of Twilight.

18. Listening to someone from New York tell you how awesome it is to pay $1800 for a studio in Brooklyn and $14 for a bad turkey sandwich. Or just listening to them talk at all.

19. Knowing that in this era of unparalleled education, vaccination, and shoe availability, people still choose to be Sox fans.

20. Coming up with a list of 20 things before 7 in the morning to put a creative spin on the fact that your team sucked ass when confronted with a non-Washington Nationals squad.

See what I did there with the last one? Sorta like cheating, isn't it?

2 comments:

Jen said...

This list is awesome. Except for no. 9. I kind of hate you for that image at 10:00 a.m. (or really any hour of the day).

Bree said...

i've read this three times throughout the day... even read it popcorn style with friends (ok, not really... but maybe). definitely one of the best posts, albeit it for one of the worst games.