Weekend Recap: Ten Predictions for the Rest of the Year

Monday, June 29, 2009

Weekend Recap: Ten Predictions for the Rest of the Year

. Monday, June 29, 2009



"Can we just, you know, leave?"

Steve and I were both scheduled to be away from Our Fair City over the weekend. He was flying down to Austin via a really cheap-ass plane ticket, while I was driving a pickup truck full of Simpsons DVDs and my girlfriend down to the Appalachian part of Tennessee. On Friday, the sheer signal strength of WGN had me connected with the team through the end of Friday's game. I heard Soto's jack, Marshall's icy coolness, and what sounded like choking noises from Carlos Marmol. 5-4 Cubs, well done.

Unfortunately, the post game show soon succumbed to signal interference, with callers offering such gems as "I don'tASHGJJJZZ Jim HendryHASGKJJJHZZZZZHHHMilton BradlJAGHHHZZZ"

So there it was - the cord was cut between myself and the team. I don't pay for some fancy-pants MLB package, so that was it for Cubs over the weekend, disregarding score-checking on my phone. And apparently, the Cubs did just as badly without WAIW around as they do when we're there. Worse, even.

To wit:

- We lose the away series to the hated WhiteTrash, after a rain-shortened split at Wrigley.
- Our $40M pitcher, Ryan Dempster, keeps painfully demonstrating the definition of "contract year."
- Milton Bradley is a pretty, pretty princess
- DEROSA TO THE FUCKING CARDINALS
- Cubs fans who attended Sunday's game had to (1) see perhaps the team's worst performance of the year and (2) listen to people with six teeth tell the same Gay Pride Parade jokes they've been telling since 1997.

Talk me back from the ledge, after the jump.



I won't be recapping each game, as I have more respect for you than to tell you I didn't see a game, and then proceed to describe that game. Instead, I'd like you to consider that even nestled in the loving embrace of the South, hearing dispatches of my Boys in Blue playing like crap was extremely painful.

I think something has finally broken in my brain, and I'm getting the creeping numbness that in other scenarios suggets a cardiac event. But it can always get better - and much, much, worse - with the Cubs. So instead of wallowing, I'm going to come up with 10 ways this season could get worse.

1. Given the limited budget he has to work with at the trade deadline, Jim Hendry desperately makes the best deal that presents itself. For Mark Prior.

2. Milton Bradley says "I have to go now. My planet needs me." Note: Poochie Milton died on the way back to his home planet.

3. Larry Rothschild gets fed up as Aaron Heilman walks in another run, and injuries both of them by running up to the mound and spearing the fat-faced reliever.

4. Carlos Marmol kills a Make A Wish kid sitting in the front row with a pitch that Pat Hughes describes as "just outside, 3-1."

5. Aramis Ramirez comes back, fails to hit .700, rabidly expectant fans boo him.

6. Jumbotron, with KissCam(TM).

7. Local media, bored as shit with the current team, decides to fabricate a Curse of Captain Morgan to blame for 2009.

8. The night before the All-Star Game, Lou Piniella says he's going out for a pack of cigarettes. He never comes back, leaving us with abandonment issues and the resultant therapist bills.

9. Kosuke somehow manages a negative batting average by the end of August. Still good OBP, though.

10. With Mark DeRosa now a Cardinal, the female Cubs fan base is decimated by mass suicide, leaving a bunch of sad guys in upside-down visors drinking by themselves at the Cubby Bear.

2 comments:

J.J. said...

#10 almost made me snort out diet coke through my nose.

Max Power said...

The Poochie joke was excellent

-your brother