WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 12: Most Likely To ...

Friday, June 12, 2009

WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 12: Most Likely To ...

. Friday, June 12, 2009

First one to point out the hidden surprise in this otherwise ordinary photo gets the respect of WAIW - and maybe something from the prize chest. (Editor's Note: Prize chest may or may not exist)

Apologies for the lack of action the last couple of days - I've had school, and Steve has had work. Why don't these respective institutions understand the importance of baseball, and of blogging said sport? Anyway, even the horrors of the real world (and the horrors of Cubs hitting) couldn't keep us from running this week's roundtable. Although to due the recent academic wringing out of my brain-sponge, you won't be getting the clever bylines this week. Just click on their names to go to their blogs, and make something clever up for yourself, you damn vultures! Ah, it's good to be back. Now then, AHEM!

We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. This week - we're going all high school on the 2009 Chicago Cubs:

In the spirit of this article and its academic reference, we're going to ask you to go yearbook on this year's Chicago Cubs roster.Give us 3-5 Chicago Cubs most likely to do anything. Make the categories up yourself. Could be most likely to open an IHOP after retirement, most likely to become a serial killer, or most likely to melt a bunch of Nazis with the Arc of the Covenant. Tap into that long dormant high-school hostility and let us know what this year's squad will graduate to.

Ivy Envy

This week's answers will be done by Andy on behalf of Ivy Envy:

Most likely to be a wood shop teacher: Koyie Hill

Most likely to be Owen Wilson's stunt double: Mike Fontenot

Most likely to go into the family business: Milton Bradley (or most likely to operate a wrecking ball for a construction company)

Most likely to work for the Department of Weights and Measures: Bobby Scales

Most likely to become an Easter Island statue impersonator: David Patton

Most likely to become a top salesman in a failing company: Randy Wells

Most likely to become a musician who releases an excellent first album and a terrible second album: Geovany Soto

Most likely to fail in his bid to become a pro-darts player: Carlos Marmol

Ginger Russ

John- Here is my reply for this week. Now onto a swear-filled entry over at COI.

Most likely to open a Bubba Gump Shrimp Company Franchise: This of course goes to Mike Fontenot & Ryan Theriot or "The Cajun Connection". After leaving the Cubs, the Riot and the Pocket Rocket open their own Bubba Gump Shrimp Company featuring all items in miniature versions (which I will then blog about hating).

Most likely to play a Munchkin in the broadway version of "Wizard of Oz": He's a midget, he loves to hug everyone and he plays like he has a lollypop stuck up his ass. Aaron Miles will play the character, Ojo the Unlucky, before he becomes Ojo the Lucky and will reenact plays in which he ruined wins for the Cubs by striking out or letting 5 foot line drives go over his head.

Least likely name to be recognized as a Cubs player at the 10 year reunion: David Patton...oh you mean that horrible pitcher we always called "Rule 5".

Most likely to become a WWE Superstar: Alfonso Soriano was recently called out by former Real World "star" turned pro wrestler "The Miz" during an event in Chicago. After retiring, Soriano will join the WWE under the name el Frijoles Saltarine (the Jumping Bean). Much like the 80's wrestler, Leaping Lanny Poffo (the Wrestling Poet who used to read poems he would write on frisbees and then throw into the audience), Soriano's signature move will include "hopping" from the top turnbuckle onto his opponents.

Most likely to be featured in a Cock Fighting Magazine: Oh wait, that already happened...

*Side note: Leaping Lanny Poffo is the brother of the "Macho Man" Randy Savage" and I actually caught one of his frisbees while attending a WWF show at the Rosemont Horizon.


I put aside my own high school bitterness about being voted "most flirtatious" (which we all know is the equivalent to calling me "class whore") to share a few Cubs that I know must be destined for greatness:

Most likely to slaughter a band of pirates while rescuing a boatload of kittens: Ted Lilly

Most likely to have a questionable mole lanced: David Patton

Most likely to become a shop teacher: Koyie Hill

Most likely to star in a made-for-TV "WGN original" buddy cop movie: Kosuke Fukudome & Milton Bradley

Most likely to be hired as "Clark Kent double/pixie dust spreader for Tilt-o-Whirl" at the Superman Festival in Metropolis, IL for $25/day (plus corn dog): Kevin Gregg

Ted Lilly Fan Club

Ted Lilly: Most likely to partner with a wookie named Chewbacca and Jedi Knight named Luke to help save the galaxy from the evil Empire

Mike Fontenot: Most likely to return to a starring role on TLC's "Little People, Big World" (too much? we kid, we kid...)

Jeff Samardzija: Most likely to embark on a life-long campaign to convince the good folks at Scrabble that proper names should be allowed, ultimately scoring his own name at a record setting 750 pts (triple word score)

Milton Bradley: Most likely to get a permenant ban from baseball after he puts a bat through an ump's throat after a called third strike, prompting him to return home to the family board game business

Brett Jackson (new Cubs draft pick from UC-Berkley): Most likely to tear up the minors for a few years, become a bust in the majors and join fellow high draft picks Bobby Hill, Corey Patterson and Hee Seop Choi in the Cubs Prospect Wall of Shame


Most likely to be bored at an amusement park: Mike Fontenot.

Most likely to lose an ear: Milton Bradley.

Most likely to eat that ear: Carlos Zambrano.


Most likely to get an entire grade of children killed by waving them into traffic and then suddenly stopping them in the middle of the street: Mike Quade

Most likely to get caught chopping up bullpen pitchers and discarding them in plastic garbage bags: Randy Wells

Most likely to appear in an infomercial: David Patton (lovingly referred to as Shamwow at BLT due to his mop up ability)

Most likely to secede: Milton Bradley

Most likely to be outed as a superhero who was born on the planet Krypton and gets his powers from the yellow sun...and best eyes: Ted Lilly


Jen said...

Nobody puts Baby in the corner!

I like to think I've reached a point in my life where I can recognize Patrick Swayze from a slightly blurred black & white high school yearbook photo on a baseball blog.

Ginger Russ said...

Jen, I don't know if you're "buddy cop" movie idea is the most racist thing I've read all day, or the most hilarious.

John said...

DINGDINGDING! We have a WINNAH! Congratuations Jen. Now I have to pull a prize out of my ass. Not literally though - this isn't some kind of Richard Gere game show I'm running here.

Jen said...

Well I haven't seen the script yet, Ginger Russ. But I've been told it's going to "break down some walls".

Damn it, John. I want my lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni.

Jay said...

I like the "buddy cop" movie idea as well but honestly, she had me at "class whore."