WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable #14: So Long, Suckass!

Friday, June 26, 2009

WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable #14: So Long, Suckass!

. Friday, June 26, 2009


We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. This week - players advised to not let the door hit them on the ass:

This past weekend saw Woody and DeRo come back to a standing ovation. Clearly, they left town on good terms, which is rare. We at WAIW have our own ongoing series called "So Long, Suckass!" What player were you the happiest to see leave the Friendly Confines?


Cubbiejulie

LaTroy Hawkins. I have never hated anyone more.

- Cubbiejulie, from A League of Her Own, isn't joking about hating him the most - and she once met Hitler at a book signing.

More smell you laters, after the jump:



Wrigleyville

While we never root for failure or wish misfortune upon any Cub (or any baseball player, really), I wasn't all that sad to see Michael Barrett leave. It seemed like it was time to go. Todd Hundley was of course a disappointment. Mostly, I like to see catchers leave, apparently.

- Watch your back, Soto. Or Wrigleyville23 will be on you like Gregg on suck.

Chip Wesley

I really don't think I've been happier to see a Cub depart more than when Neifi Perez was traded to the Tigers back in 2006. It's a joyous memory of what was a giant turd sandwich of a season.

- Chip Wesley, head bartender at Thunder Matt's Saloon, is still formulating a sandwich diagnosis for the current season. Urinal cake sandwich, maybe?

Jen

Hmmm…so many choices, so little love. With all the buzz around Sammy lately, it's hard to not remember the cringeworthy events that led up to his bag-packing (and stereo-smashing). And with the Cubs being on both the giving and receiving end of blown saves this week, the memory of waving bye-bye to LaTroy Hawkins conjures up a sigh of relief. But when it comes to unloaded dead weight - a dickish, disappointing dead weight - there was nothing better than telling Todd Hundley we'll catch him on the "flip" side. There's not a single Cubs fan (except for maybe the nuns) that didn’t return the gesture and fly the bird right back at him when he exited stage left.

- Jen, from Cub Blogging, proves that there's no LaTroy LoVe among the ladies.

Ginger Russ

Thinking over my response this morning over a Bacon-wrapped Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop Tart and Iced Doppio (the Official Breakfast of College of Idiots) two individual douchebags came to mind. Both were at one time heroes for the Cubs, and both managed to wear out their welcome and now have their jersey's used as "after-sex-cleanup-rags" by Cub fans around the nation.

The first is pretty obvious, and I'm sure I won't be the only one here that said a big, "don't let the door hit 'ya where the good Lord split 'ya" on his way out of Chicago. Once the hero of Chicago, we loved Sosa's antics while he was hitting 20 homers a month. The hop, the double-kiss, the sprint out to right field, we relished in all of it. Then he started to fade. In 2003 Sosa "accidently" picked up the wrong bat. Sure, we, tried to believe him, but we couldn't help but notice that the beginning of PED testing was also the time that Sosa's bat started to slow down.

By the end of 2004, Sosa was a shell of his former self. On the final day of the season, Sosa left the park during the first inning. After the game, a player(s) took a bat to Sosa's boom box, and figuratively and metaphorically destroyed the last of Slammin' Sammy in Chicago. A few weeks ago, Sosa announced his retirement (much to the amazement of everyone who thought he was already retired) and a few days later his name was leaked as one of the 104 players to test positive for PED's in Chicago. No one was surprised of course, except the most retarded man in baseball, Dusty Baker.

My second choice was actually one of my favorite players, and I'm sure many other Cub fans. The Crosstown Classic finally reached it's pinnacle of what every fan in Chicago really wanted on a sunny day in May in 2006 when Michael Barrett punched Head Douchebag, A.J. Pierzynski, and started an all out Battle Royale. Sure, it was a sucker punch, but in that moment, Barrett epitomized everything that Cub fans had wanted to do the Sox, especially in the wake of the South Siders winning a ring the previous year and STILL only worrying about what our Cubs were doing.

It was another fight that Barrett was involved in though, that not only forced him out of the good grace and respect of his team, but also off the team. On June 2nd, 2007, Zambrano took his anger out on something more than just a Gatorade cooler, he took it out on his inept catcher. The dugout skirmish lead to six stitches for Barrett, and after a confrontation with Rich Hill two weeks later, a one-way ticket to the land where ex-Cubs go to die, San Diego. After Barrett was gone, the Cubs started to turn it around and went on to win the division. Coincidence?

So in true COI tradition, we (I) give a big GFY (can you make this type larger and bolder than the rest) to my two favorite former-Cub doucebags, Sammy Sosa and Michael Barrett.

- Ginger Russ is a busy man. In addition to COI, he's also representing gingers over at The Andy White Fan Club and Thunder Matt's Saloon.

Angry Mike

The guy I was elated to see leave town (recent memory) is Jacque (Jock) Jones. Holy hell what a completely useless player. Although there is no evidence, and none will probably ever surface since no one cares enough to unearth it, I am conviced he used PEDs. Of course by the time he joined the Cubs they had strict testing in place for PEDs and he finally got a big contract so he had no incentive to continue using and get caught. If you look through his numbers on baseballreference.com you might be inclined to believe he was a contributor during 2006. People who actually watch the games will explain that much like his buddy Juan Pierre, Jock had a nack for racking up numbers when it didn't matter...which was most of the 2006 season.

That brings me to his shit eatting grin. I mean really, I had never seen a player with the capability to slap on a big smile after completely letting his team down. Jock had this perfected and is probably the main reason I was glad to see him get traded. Why the hell should he be so happy when he was making me miserable. Probably had something to do with the fat contract Hendry laid in his lap.

The good news? In another 10 years or so I will likely forget the guy was ever a Cub. Or will I....

- Angry Mike is about to get a lot angrier, as the College of Idiots is accredited in Arizona, where the heat kills everything but lizards and the elderly.

Ted Lilly Fan Club

Ronnie Woo- Woo.

We remember when Woo-Woo played for the Cubs and even then it was apparent to us that he had a higher calling. We said to ourselves, "Hey Self, That Woo-Woo kid is pretty sharp out there, but what if he was in the stands screaming a combination of some noun, plus his name, at an absurdly high voice volume, while wearing his crisp, white, uniform... wouldn't that be something!?!"

Sure enough, Ronny took our advice and roams the aisles at Wrigley instead of playing in the field. He delivers joy to us all.

- Ted WOO Lilly WOO Fan WOO Cub WOO

1 comments:

J.J. said...

The player I was most happy to see leave the Cubs was Milton Bradley. What? He's still here? Damn! Neil Cotts? Tecnically still a Cub. Um, then Latroy it is!