Tigers 5 - Cubs 3: Seriously, You Guys?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Tigers 5 - Cubs 3: Seriously, You Guys?

. Thursday, June 25, 2009

And as the Tigers and Cubs look on in terror, the people of Detroit discover a large cache of mortars. The end times are upon Motor City.

Last night was the baseball fan's equivalent of those rednecks you see on COPS that repeatedly crack their head on the pavement on purpose, either out of misguided guilt or out of being high as fuck on PCP. I'm almost sorry that I already used this video yesterday.

At some point, you have to wonder when exactly the Cubs will at least begin to obey the law of averages. Their performance with runners in scoring position over the last 3 games suggests that a fight against the immutable laws of time, space, and probability is the only thing the Cubs can win. They couldn't find a base hit with runners on 2nd and 3rd if the Cubs lineup was Michael Jackson and the base hit were Macaulay Culkin covered in Crisco.

More horrible things that you should never say at a dinner party, after the jump.

"You know, there's something I used to be able to do with this. Oh yeah - pitch it effectively. Oh well ..."

Remember when one win over the White Sox and 3 over the Indians meant that the Cubs were, improbably enough, "back"? That hasn't gone so well for us. The Braves and the Tigers aren't exactly the Dodgers and Red Sox, but you wouldn't know that from watching us go all pants-crappy with the chance to take the lead.

You know, it's not all that confusing. You just can't hit shit at the moment. Boom, mystery solved. Go back to the dugout.

Ted Lilly, a scorned Cubs Nation turns it lowly eyes toward thee. You're going to have to hit a homer and pitch a shutout 9. I wouldn't trust the rest of the team to do much more than say shit like "well, you just gotta make those hits," and "we aren't executing, but we'll get there," and "it's still the first half of the season," and "blippity blorp boop, I have nothing fucking useful to say."

"Why can't you just give me an umpire application now? Lissen, I gotta get out of here! Fucking Hoffpaur couldn't hit a red headed kid with a lisp if he were an alcoholic stepfather."

And yes, I'll be listening to the game on my lunch break, because I'm an idiot. And yes, just one win in this pathetic series will indeed make me feel better for the weekend. So do it.