Cubs Media <s>Monday</s> First Day of My Work Week: Now You're On The Trolley!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Cubs Media Monday First Day of My Work Week: Now You're On The Trolley!

. Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I command you, watch this video.

The Cubs are in sort of an awkward position, beer-wise. Many of our fans are beer orphans, roughly passed around the brewing industry like a Alpha Chi Omega at any party that serves alcohol and girls with low self-esteem. What are we to drink? And furthermore, how will I tangentially relate this to a video I took six minutes to find as I sat at home eating curry and watching a Billy Mays commercial? Find out, after the jump.

- Budweiser? Sure, Harry drank it, but it's undeniably the beer of the hated St. Louis Cardinals (and whatever Belgian soccer team also qualifies as sucky and white trash). Plus, Bud Light sucks. It's just terrible. If it is your first choice of beer, then please re-think your life. Oh, it's benefit is "drinkability"? You can drink it, unlike the bucket of nails I keep trying to get drunk on?!? Well shit me, sign me up. I hope whoever came up with that slogan dies in a porta potty.

- Miller? My family is big on Lite, but they're arguably more associated with the Brewers than Bud is with the Cards. Plus, Miller Chill tastes like a citronella candle. And I don't have the uterus necessary to tout the benefits of a beer that has 64 calories and tastes like 1/3 of a regular beer left out in the rain. How about you have 64 calories of shut the fuck up?

- Guinness? Never happen, though I pray one day it might. We'd see pink jersey girls and frayed-visor dudes dropping left and right as the power of the legendary Irish brew burned them alive for their sins of douchiness. Plus, you know, some people find it a bit heavy.

This only leaves one choice, ladies and gentlemen. Support your local Old Style! I swear to Harry Caray's statue, it tastes so much better since they began krausening it again. My own investigative journalism confirms as much. Hell, are you going to argue with the ghost of James Cagney?


Angry Mike said...

Goose Island Honkers Ale.

John said...

A fine beer, yes. But they weren't even around until 1988. I feel we need tradition. Even if part of that tradition is being godawful bad (see also: the Cubs) and then improbably achieving (see also: the 1984 Cubs).