Cubs 5 - Pirates 2: Zambrano SMASH

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cubs 5 - Pirates 2: Zambrano SMASH

. Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Gatorade machine began quaking at the site like an Alabama wife watching the Crimson Tide lose

See that "Zambrano SMASH" headline? I'm fairly certain that it's not the first time I've used that. Nor the second time. Possibly the third time. But whatever - dude SMASH. It's what he does. The good thing was that his pitching was as up to form as his shit-storming. And as such, our Boys in Blue rode the bundle of raging hormones to their second win in two games. I'll take it. F the man.

Milton Bradley goes from ridiculously depressed to Crocodile Mile in an alarmingly quick period of time

The nice thing about Z getting tossed when he did was the fact that he'd already thrown a decent game - 6.1 IP, 7H, 1ER. He's likely going to miss a start, but it's nice to have the old boy back. I'm way past worrying how Lou can fix the man's head. Let the crazy bastard pitch - he's good at it.

Swamp Thing's cousin, Reed Johnson, emerges from the foliage to save humanity

The final scoreline might not reflect it, but Reed Johnson is back into hero mode. His 8th inning home run brought the Cubs into the lead into a very uncertain time and sparked an ass-kicking Cubs offensive rally reminiscent of last year. Hell yes, Reed. You may look like the stunt double of David Draiman from Disturbed, but you make the most of your opportunities. And you wear those bitchin' high socks. Please contact WAIW so we can buy you a beer.

Other Business

Soto proves that seizures can also be fun

- WAIW would like to send a "So Long, Suckass" to Neal Cotts. Of course, given that we called up a AAA lefty reliever with a 5+ era in place of Cottsy, it my be a case of so long, suckass/hello, suckass! But at least we'll get a new guy to hate.

- It might have been against the Pirates, but it was nice to see Andres Blanco and Jake Fox make a splash in their first game up. Modern-day Paul Bunyan Bobby Scales got sent down after catching the flu, but he'll surely be back soon, saving babies and inspiring ballads.

- Again, fuck you, Neal Cotts. Enjoy AAA. You deserve Iowa, if only because they won't send you to the Tennessee Smokes. And since I love Tennessee, I think you should be in Daytona with the floppy-boobed aging biker ladies and Ed Hardy-wearing amateur tattoo artists. I hope you never make it back to the Cubs. The Cardinals, yes, but not the Cubs.

- Excellent baserunning by Geo Soto on the 4-2 insurance run. It's a refreshing sight after having to watch The Riot take to the basepaths like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.

- Neal Cotts,you suck enough to deserve every other bullet point detailing such.

- The nice part about 8 losses in a row is that it makes 2 wins in a row seem sweet as hell. Go Cubs go!


Kat said...

Jen from Cubblogging was at the game. I'm SOOOO jealous! I only got to listen to Ron & Pat and while that is amusement in itself, it's just NOT ENUFF!

Kat said...

Video of Z's ejection.

Steve said...

this post seems like a sitcom doing a past-highlights clip episode.

John said...

My writing always seems like improbably excellent collection of greatest hits. To the extreme.

thisyearcub said...

Good news for all us Scales fans .... he was called right back up, Freel is now on the DL. Cubs are slowly turning into Iowa, which may not be a bad thing.

Also, Cotts is not good enough for floppy boobs. Maybe Magda's from "There's Something About Mary," but even that's pushing it.