WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 3: Bleacher Seats, Thunderdomes, and Douchebag Detectors

Friday, April 10, 2009

WAIW Cubs Blog Roundtable, Week 3: Bleacher Seats, Thunderdomes, and Douchebag Detectors

. Friday, April 10, 2009

We at WAIW are lucky enough to be acquainted with the operators of a bunch of excellent Cubs blogs. Every Friday throughout the 2009 season, we're going to bring as many of them as we can together to share their thoughts on being Cubs fans. Today's topic - that hallowed ground, Wrigley Field:

Carlos Zambrano recently made some waves by pining for a new ballpark and then immediately taking back his comments. If you had the power to change anything about Wrigley Field, what would you change, and why?


I assume that my male counterparts will be talking about the infamous "troughs" that I've never had the pleasure of using. (I'm not even sure how that would work.) But the testicly-challenged have our own complaint about the unfriendliest part of the Confines -- the lack of ladies rooms. Throughout the regulation nine innings - and the regulation continuous consumption of Old Style - the average girl spends roughly 2-3 innings worth of baseball standing (cross-legged) in line for the distinct pleasure of Wrigley's "powder room". We're not begging for couches, stocked tampon machines or more deep thoughts from the restroom attendant - just more johns, please. And if they're feeling super generous, toilet seat covers. (Z said Yankee Stadium has the automatic ones.)

- When not standing in line for the bathroom, Jen writes Cub Blogging

The Ted Lilly Fan Club

While we’ve touched on this before, we really believe that we need to transform our friendly ballpark into a “Thunderdome”-esque Stadium of Death. Sure, big Cubs Claws, lemon ices and extra cold/extra smooth Old Piles are nice but we think that, in order to get the Cubs to the next level (“next level” officially designated as second-round of playoffs), we need to up the intensity.

Our proposal? #1. Let’s eliminate Len/Bob and replace them with Gary Busey and Joe Rogan (w/ Elvira, mistress of the night as sideline reporter/temptress). #2. Warning track in OF gets replaced with a moat of hot lava with sharks who wear special suits that lets them swim in said hot lava (lasers optional). #3. 7th inning stretch is scrapped. In it’s place is a “Bloodsport” kumite where two “lucky” fans enter and only one “lucky” fan leaves. #4. Ted Lilly's hawk, Fury, keeps a watchful eye over all the proceedings and #5--all games take place at midnight (aka the "witching hour").

- The Ted Lilly Fan Club only has one rule - two man enter, one man leave


Carlos was right: Build a new one. Immediately.

- Wrigleyville, when not writing for Wrigleyville23, most likely enjoys kicking puppies and taking candy from children


Here's what I would do,

I'd tear the grandstand down all the way to the ground. I'd rebuild it with all of the modern amenities that the players need underground below the concourse. Locker rooms, batting cages, etc...

In the concourse I'd try to make this as fan friendly as possible considering you still have a small footprint to work with. I'd rebuild the grandstand and upper deck in a very similar fashion, hopefully with fewer poles and more skyboxes not only underneath the upper deck, but underneath the roof of the upper deck too.

After that I think they should build that corner building to house the teams offices, year round restaurant, team store and all of the other shit that they need to make money 365 days a year. Between the corner building and the ballpark I would like to see the Cubs rebuild Seminary Street going through (where the current players parking lot is). This road would be permanently closed off and turn into an open air street party everyday the Cubs play. Think what the Orioles have on Eutaw St. in Baltimore but Wrigleyville it up a bit...

I believe the Cubs can be very successful playing at Clark and Addison for generations to come. It is my hope that Ricketts and his family (or whoever the new owner is) will work with Alderman Tunney and the neighborhood to be good neighbors and live up to agreements the Cubs have not kept with the neighborhood in the past.

- WPBC, the creator of Waxpaperbeercup, wins for most thought-out entry


If I was the Cubs, I would install a new machine at the gates. That machine is a "Douchebag Detector". If a person walks through and the machine sounds, that person's ticket is confiscated and given to that little kid.

- Corey, from Ivy Envy, should be advised that while there's no douchebag detector per se at Wrigley, there is a douchebag magnet just to the south

Angry Mike

I would have to go with the bleacher ticket policy. Bring back the gameday only bleacher tix. I have a ton of memories of 3 members of my highschool baseball team and I going to every Sunday day game of the 1998 season. We would drive up to the south loop from the south side and take the red line to get in line 4 hours before the game. We put in the time and got first or second row seats every time. Ahhhh, the good old days of $12 bleacher seats.

Those days are definitely gone but it would nice if the would just gouge everyone on game day so the little guy could have chance to get to a game.

- Angry Mike is a distinguished professor at the College of Idiots. You can't fire him - he's got tenure, dammit!


jenzie1231 said...

I'm with Jen, get rid of the trophs...which I've never seen, but heard are disgusting (I'd like to see them, so if anyone can ever sneak me in, that'd be great!). I just imagine peeing into a trough with other people's pee splashing on me...siiiiiick!

I'm suprised no one mentioned the score board...not that I would change it, but I think a screen or two (like they had during the Winter Classic) would be pretty sweet-o.

Steve said...

jen - your thoughts are sacrilege!

i will take my replays on a sunbeam 17 inch from 1982, thank you.

John said...

Those things are surprisingly deep. I never found splashification to be a problem.

jenzie1231 said...

hmm...what about accidental sword fighting? are there stalls in the mens bathroom? what if a guy has to poop!?

Steve said...

we do have stalls. though i would hate to have to poop in there. the bigger problem is people getting the sink confused with the trough, which happens pretty much every game i go to.

no sword fighting. of course if someone was wagging their penis all around while urinating, there would probably other issues going on.

jenzie1231 said...

grosssssssss! people pee in the sink!? I've GOT to get in there and see this madness!

John said...

To be fair, the sink looks a lot like a trough. Except with a soap dispenser. So a urinal for drunk OCD people.

Official Ted Lilly Fan Club said...

Douchebag Detector is easily the best idea we have ever heard at the Ted Lilly Fan Club. Does said detector pick up on backwards-worn visors and/or Sigma Chi Barn Dance t-shirts? If so--patent it.

Steve said...

lay off TLFC, or i will take off my white puka shell necklace and kick your ass!

Ace said...

I guess my response was deemed unworthy... :*(

Steve said...

sorry ace, i blame john.