Diamondbacks 7 - Cubs 2: Forget About All That Nonsense

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Diamondbacks 7 - Cubs 2: Forget About All That Nonsense

. Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Clearly some sort of Lilly impostor

Sorry - still not worried. Dan Haren often pitches like a motherfucking beast, and when you're as short as Malibu Mike, hits are bound to go over your head as often as a clever comment goes over a Sox fan's. Lilly looked bad, which history tells us should mean a tough, focused outing the next time around against the Fish and some dude name Annabelle.

"You know, Soriano, if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer." WHAP! "Why'd you hit yourself?" Classic.

Do any of you remember how bad things were in 2007? We had to put up a record-setting June just to gain ground on a Brewers team that was in firm possession of first (that's how you know it was a loooong time ago). Be patient with your team - Soto isn't up to snuff yet, Bradley has hardly played, and Ramirez has been in and out of the lineup. These are things that will soon change, things we can deal with. If you can't wait that out, then clearly you weren't around for the Cubs teams of my childhood. I'll take sucking for weeks over sucking for years any time. Here are 10 things to look forward to:

1. Milton Bradley, believe it or not, will most likely go on a tear at some point. And when that man is on, he's one of the top 5 hitters in the game. It will be great and fearsome, like a Rosie O'Donnell bikini waxing.

2. Ted Lilly, last night aside, has started much hotter than he has in the previous two years. And that's after the WBC, which, if MLB GMs inform me correctly, is a process by which top players are thrown into potoato sacks and beaten about the knees and shoulders with tire irons. He's on track for a great year if he can keep this up.

3. (Knocking on wood) Rich Harden has been lights out and problem free (Knocking on wood)

4. Soto should start hitting any day now. If he can't, or if (like like night showed) he's not fully ready to be behind the plate every day, Koyie Hill has looked miles ahead of where he was last year. By the way, I think it's hilarious how our superstars go down with groin, shoulder, and arm injuries, while our backup catcher can survive sawing his damn hand off.

5. Hoffpauir looks like a bona-fide major league hitter. Just please don't let him play the outfield.

6. Soriano is having the sort of April he's never had with the Cubs. Maybe the Bradley signing was all an elaborate plan to distract fan attention to another oft-injured slugger. Now that Fonzie's under the radar, he's going to hit something like .456 with 50 home runs.

7. Whatever Jim Hendry saw in Aaron Heilman after his awful 2008 with the Mets, it appears to have been a good hunch.

8. Jeff Samardzija is back in the big league pen, so prepare for another exciting season of ugly jokes.

9. No dominance early on means no Jim Belushi. Sweet relief!

10. Matt Sinatro is still looking mad sexy at first base.