Fanbase Power Rankings: Middle of the Pack

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Fanbase Power Rankings: Middle of the Pack

. Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Clearly, the altitude does something to Rockies fans

9. Colorado Rockies – Kudos to a fan base than can root for a team knowing full well that any pitcher they sign will immediately go through the worst years of his career. Can’t wait to see how they like Marquis.

I bet you woke up today and thought, "it might be a rough day, but at least I won't have to see Tony Danza in a hot tub." Our apologies

10. California Los Angeles Anaheim Who the Fuck Knows Angels – Remember that Disney movie “Angels in the Outfield,” the remake of the black and white one? Remember when, during the climax, the entire crowd started waving their arms like lunatics in a motion that looked nothing like the movement of an angel wing? Yeah, even as a kid, I thought that was sort of lame.

"Let's dress up in highlighter-colored shirts. That will fix things!"

11. Pittsburgh Pirates – Poor bastards. Poor, unfortunate bastards. They show up to PNC Park in numbers smaller than the fan bases of select Major League Soccer franchises.

"Have you heard how hard it is to be an upper-middle-class white guy?"

12. Seattle Mariners – In the best of baseball communities, there exists a sort of inherent grittiness, a shot and a beer mentality that signifies the scruffy, loyal fan base. Chicago is the best at this, but Boston, Detroit, and (God help me) New York also have this indefinable communal baseball gestalt. When I think of Seattle, on the other hand, I think of an entire stadium filled with bike messengers and Ira Glass. Hack Wilson would weep.

Child abuse

13. Kansas City Royals – A friend of mine from school is a Royals fan from KC. He knows the team has sucked since our subscriptions to SI for Kids lapsed, but he digs them anyway, even as they make absolutely no efforts toward respectability. And unless Luke Hochevar snaps out of it, last year's fourth place finish could end up being his most cherished memory.This year, he was going to get to see his hometown team as they took on the White Sox on MLB Opening Day. But the people started speculating that Obama would throw the first pitch, and all the tickets sold out in a snap. Now they want $50 bucks to sit in the very top of that strip mall. This has convinced me that God hates the Royals and their fans.

To complete the look, pull on your sideways Orlando Magic hat and rollerblade down to the Pog tournament. Life is rad.

14. Arizona Diamondbacks – They sure take a long time to sell out a playoff game. They also got mad when the team changed purple/teal color scheme. Have an issue with childhood tobacco chewing. Is it the heat that drives them insane, or is it the peyote?

Hooray for blight!

15. Cincinnati Reds – I visited Cincy once, and for some reason drove into the Over the Rhine neighborhood near dusk to check out the beautiful Bavarian architecture of some of the old buildings. It was the scariest neighborhood ever, at one point including a solid two blocks with no visible electricity. I did not stop to ask their feelings on the Reds. Note to Marty Brennaman: Walk around this neighborhood in the middle of the night, in an expensive suit, singing "Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta." Please.

That retahd ate cawncreet hawdcowah

16. Boston Red Sox (post-Boston sports domination) – They took tumble in my personal rankings when so many wicked retahded douchebags came out of the woodwork following the Patriots/Celtics/Red Sox run of the 2000s. I wish our brothers in good-natured losing could come back. We miss them.

Kayaks, baseball, and San Francisco - AT&T Park is possibly the whitest place on Earth

17. San Francisco Giants – They regularly fill a gorgeous park and are as rabid a fan base as you could expect of a California-based team. Many have not chosen to commit suicide, even after pondering the money they’re paying Barry Zito to pitch like Steve Trachsel. They should be way more pissed at Dusty Baker than even us (well, it's debatable at least). They had that cool kayak scene going on, which is something that I think would be a lot of fun. Yet they cheered on Barry Bonds throughout his quest to bend over and violate, Deliverance-style, the credibility of baseball. I mean, shit, the man made Marc McGwire and Sammy Sosa seem discreet about juicing. I can’t respect that.

"Dammit, lady. I just told you, I can't refill your estrogen prescription. I'm a baseball player ... baaaaasseeeballlll. You know what? Fuck this."

18. Washington Nationals – The most organized group of people in D.C. related to the Nats is the loud, angry group of community leaders that wonders why taxpayers financed a beautifully-constructed new home for the Expos. As for fans? I’m not sure they have any – probably because no one wants to wear a Walgreen’s hat

Word is that this video's overwhelming shittiness was the real cause of the 1994 player strike

19. Baltimore Orioles – Their fans have literally run out of things to talk about – the beauty of Camden Yards’ design having finally been beaten to death as a topic during yet another Red Sox rout. Look at their roster – Felix Pie, - I’d be shocked if they all weren’t dipping into the Wild Turkey by 9 a.m. every game day. Oh, wait, they are - here's a YouTube comment on an Orioles video:

"AMEN! Peter Angelos hired THE BEST GM IN BASEBALL last year, Andy McPhail. We had FOUR starting pitchers that had great seasons at AA Bowie last year. They'll either spend one more year at AAA Norfolk, or they might come up this year. Add those four to Jeremy Guthrie and the Japanese starting pitcher that we just signed, and we'll have the best starting rotation in baseball. STAY LOYAL TO THE ORIOLES, THROUGH THICK AND THIN!"

You go ahead and stay loyal, Orioles fans - we Cubs fans know the concept well. But that doesn't make Andy McFail any less of a tard. Clearly losing has driven you insane.

Generic Chuck Norris quote! Internet humor! LOLZ!

20. Texas RangersLast season, I succumbed to Josh Hamilton overdose (hey-O!). My attempt to frame the story in a non-Costas manner: A man bravely made a series of choices to fuck his life within an inch of oblivion. And yet he pulled himself out of the needle-strewn gutter to place second in a mid-season novelty contest. Woo hoo.


jenzie1231 said...

That definitely is the best part of Angels in the Outfield...Matthew Mcconaughey without his shirt on! ;)