21. Toronto Blue Jays - They're Canadian, so they eat mayonnaise on fries. Only the terrorists do that. Ergo, they hate our freedom.
22. St. Louis Cardinals – They're really only on here for historical rivalry reasons - they're not nearly as hateable as some of the fans below. Maybe it's because they've been a solid franchise for awhile, so their fans don't turn into preening dickheads when they get a taste of victory, as our neighbors to the immediate north have. I gotta tell you, I have in the past gotten along with Cardinals fans. Steve and sat a row in front of a bunch last season the day after the taint-kicked them to clinch the division. They were up on their roster stats and good-natured about the longstanding rivalry. Of course, then you have those people from downstate Illinois who seem to hate everything associated with Chicago out of some sort of misguided metro-phobia. You can only go so far with that kind of fan base. Oh, and there’s this guy:
23. Los Angeles Dodgers – Manny loves this fan base, mostly because they’re fair-weather fans and don’t give a shit about much. That about says it all.
24. San Diego Padres - Much like the Alamo, we must remember our team of 1984. It could have been US getting crap-kicked by the Tigers!
25. Florida Marlins – I could probably grade each Marlins fan individually, since by the look of it on television last season, there are only about 658 of them. They don’t deserve two World Series titles. The universe is a mean bastard to Cubs fans.
26. Tampa Bay Rays – Leave it to Florida to come up with the white-trashiest fan fad of the decade. The funny thing is, this particular group (Ray fans, that is) didn’t exist until late last season. Everyone has a story about how they were Devil Rays fans from way back, and 9/10ths of them are lying. This is perhaps the biggest bandwagon pile-on I’ve seen in my lifetime.
27. Houston Astros – If someone professes to be a fan of the current incarnation of the former Houston Colt .45s, then check the immediate area for a Styrofoam cup or 20 oz. Mountain Dew bottle full of brown spit. It’s around there somewhere.
28. New York Yankees – Holy crap are they annoying. They root for the evil empire, but won’t even admit that their owner has done his best to ruin the game for smaller markets. They also have the willfully dickish and entitled attitude formerly seen in the Russian aristocracy. Let’s hope they meet similar ends.
29. New York Mets – The White Sox fans of the National League. My girlfriend told me that it would be in poor taste to make an escalator joke, so I'll end it here.
30. Milwaukee Brewers – Quickly changed from cuddly, good natured, vaguely Bavarian group to a fat, loud, obnoxious collective of the most fucking annoying people you’ll ever meet – all for one wild card in two years. Can you imagine if they ever actually won something?
31. Chicago White Sox – We’ve gone into this subject before. Let’s keep it simple this time – Cubs fans, in my experience, don’t worry much about the Sox except for 6 times a year. White Sox fans rant constantly to anyone who will listen about why the Cubs suck (and not why the White Sox are good). Who likes red-headed stepchildren that aren’t named Ron Howard? No one, that’s who.
32. Jackasses Who Claim to Root for Both the Cubs and the White Sox – Residents of Our Fair City attempting to sit on the fence when it comes to baseball are the worst. It’s like reading a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book from front to back like a novel – it’s no fun, and it makes you look “special.” As such, celebrities are often the offenders. So go fuck yourself, Cusack. “In Your Eyes” sucks, and so does your flip-flopping. Your sister’s cell phone commercials have been responsible for more suicides than the Smiths and the stock market combined.
As for Vince Vaughn? Let’s look at what happened to his career since pulling that “just rooting for Chicago” business in 2005.
Pre-betrayal: Swingers, Made, Old School, Dodgeball, Anchorman, Wedding Crashers
Post -betrayal: Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Be Cool, Fred Claus, The Break-Up, Four Christmases
Root for both at thy own peril.