Fanbase Power Rankings: Boo-Urns!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Fanbase Power Rankings: Boo-Urns!

. Wednesday, March 18, 2009

So now we come to the endgame. Those teams that are absolutely loathed by all. And by all, we mean me. And by loathed, we mean tepidly to moderately disliked. Gotta be careful with that hyperbole - you can't get away with that on the Internet. Moving on:

Still mighty confusing

21. Toronto Blue Jays - They're Canadian, so they eat mayonnaise on fries. Only the terrorists do that. Ergo, they hate our freedom.

22. St. Louis Cardinals – They're really only on here for historical rivalry reasons - they're not nearly as hateable as some of the fans below. Maybe it's because they've been a solid franchise for awhile, so their fans don't turn into preening dickheads when they get a taste of victory, as our neighbors to the immediate north have. I gotta tell you, I have in the past gotten along with Cardinals fans. Steve and sat a row in front of a bunch last season the day after the taint-kicked them to clinch the division. They were up on their roster stats and good-natured about the longstanding rivalry. Of course, then you have those people from downstate Illinois who seem to hate everything associated with Chicago out of some sort of misguided metro-phobia. You can only go so far with that kind of fan base. Oh, and there’s this guy:

"Did you just call me fat white trash?!? I know it's true, but you're not supposed to just say it."

23. Los Angeles Dodgers – Manny loves this fan base, mostly because they’re fair-weather fans and don’t give a shit about much. That about says it all.
LA fans: Brave enough to stand up for multimillionaire's rights

24. San Diego Padres - Much like the Alamo, we must remember our team of 1984. It could have been US getting crap-kicked by the Tigers!
Every fan left with a foul ball that day

25. Florida Marlins – I could probably grade each Marlins fan individually, since by the look of it on television last season, there are only about 658 of them. They don’t deserve two World Series titles. The universe is a mean bastard to Cubs fans.

And the back of the sign says "...until the World Series."

26. Tampa Bay Rays – Leave it to Florida to come up with the white-trashiest fan fad of the decade. The funny thing is, this particular group (Ray fans, that is) didn’t exist until late last season. Everyone has a story about how they were Devil Rays fans from way back, and 9/10ths of them are lying. This is perhaps the biggest bandwagon pile-on I’ve seen in my lifetime.

Astros fans = Dick Tracy villains

27. Houston Astros – If someone professes to be a fan of the current incarnation of the former Houston Colt .45s, then check the immediate area for a Styrofoam cup or 20 oz. Mountain Dew bottle full of brown spit. It’s around there somewhere.

From the Yankee Stadium "family section"

28. New York Yankees – Holy crap are they annoying. They root for the evil empire, but won’t even admit that their owner has done his best to ruin the game for smaller markets. They also have the willfully dickish and entitled attitude formerly seen in the Russian aristocracy. Let’s hope they meet similar ends.

29. New York Mets – The White Sox fans of the National League. My girlfriend told me that it would be in poor taste to make an escalator joke, so I'll end it here.
"I don't have no time for your fancy 'tail-gating.' Ground's just fine."

30. Milwaukee Brewers – Quickly changed from cuddly, good natured, vaguely Bavarian group to a fat, loud, obnoxious collective of the most fucking annoying people you’ll ever meet – all for one wild card in two years. Can you imagine if they ever actually won something?

I will continue to use this picture

31. Chicago White Sox – We’ve gone into this subject before. Let’s keep it simple this time – Cubs fans, in my experience, don’t worry much about the Sox except for 6 times a year. White Sox fans rant constantly to anyone who will listen about why the Cubs suck (and not why the White Sox are good). Who likes red-headed stepchildren that aren’t named Ron Howard? No one, that’s who.


32. Jackasses Who Claim to Root for Both the Cubs and the White Sox – Residents of Our Fair City attempting to sit on the fence when it comes to baseball are the worst. It’s like reading a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book from front to back like a novel – it’s no fun, and it makes you look “special.” As such, celebrities are often the offenders. So go fuck yourself, Cusack. “In Your Eyes” sucks, and so does your flip-flopping. Your sister’s cell phone commercials have been responsible for more suicides than the Smiths and the stock market combined.

As for Vince Vaughn? Let’s look at what happened to his career since pulling that “just rooting for Chicago” business in 2005.

Pre-betrayal: Swingers, Made, Old School, Dodgeball, Anchorman, Wedding Crashers

Post -betrayal: Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Be Cool, Fred Claus, The Break-Up, Four Christmases

Root for both at thy own peril.


jenzie1231 said...

I am proud to admit that I got into a full out brawl with a Brewers' fan in Milwaukee. I usually don't condone females fighting, but this bitch was asking for it! Kicked her ass...yes sir!

The Lazer said...

"Can you immagine if they actually won something." That statement is something the Cubs can definitely relate to. I enjoy making the trip to the dilapidated Miller Park South every year just to see the delusion in the stands. Seriously, the Curse of the billy goat is bull. You guys just suck, always have, and always will.

John said...

Well, looks like I owe the Lazer an apology. Clearly, there's nothing obnoxious about Brewer fans. They do seem to have an underdeveloped sense of irony, though.

Steve said...

i know how this story goes. first the verbal insults, next thing you know he will be firing tennis balls from a gun as i try to advance on him while hitting various pods.

The Lazer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brad said...

Calling Brewers fans the most obnoxious fans is actually pretty funny. We only learned from you, but here's a thought. Do we throw things at other players on the field like you did to Ryan Braun? No. Do we brag about fighting you? No. Any other team says we as a group are great fans, we're just sick of you guys thinking you own both Milwaukee and Miller Park. Sorry we try and keep the stadium turned away from the bleachers in Wrigley and have a little tact, even if it means annoying the hell out of you hypocritical crap piles

Here's to another 100 years, my family and I will be enjoying it right alongside you

Hitman 715 said...

Are you serious? Brewers fans being the worst? Sure, maybe that's because they stay in tune with whats happening on the field instead of shouting at female patrons in the stands to show their tits. I can attest I've never witnessed this at Miller Park, however I have seen it occur multiple times at Wrigley. Or maybe it's just because you (the author) are a real jackass and have a hard time hating on a team that is able to compete with your beloved baby bears while spending 60 million less. I suppose if the Brewers had another 60 million to dole out, Sabathia would be back this year, and SI & ESPN and the like would all be slobbering on the Brewers stick instead of the Cubs.... Am I right? Yeah, I am.

Steve said...

John, you've done it this time. You have an american gladiator, a WWF superstar, and a...brad...mad at us.

Cole said...

I like the city of Milwaukee, and I like the Brewers just fine.

But as far as owning Miller Park...well, we do. Who was the most recent pitcher to throw a no-hitter there? Oh yeah, Zambrano.

Even if the Cubs can't win in the playoffs, at least they can win a pennant.

jwillie67 said...

And when was the last time the Cubs won one of those pennants? Oh yeah, when FDR was President! At least there are still people alive and with all of their own teeth- ME! - able to say they saw their team play in the World Series. Go Brewahs!

Steve said...

to be fair, Cole, I have to agree - pennant would imply we won the NL, meaning we would have had to win some playoff games.

That being said jwillie - why do you hate cripples?

John said...

I'm guessing because FDR refused to dance

Cole said...

Yes yes, my bad. Division, then.

Florida 45's said...

Too bad for you more C.C. so it's back to the drawing board you go. As an Astros fan I feel you on the starting rotation this year but at least we have Roy O. Benny Sheets' health is a horrible mess of wasted talent. The Cubs might as well be the Yankees of the NL with their seemingly endless payroll. Too bad it can't buy you a trip to the World Series. If the Astros had your starting pitching, we would be a serious contender.

What a shame. ALL that bought talent for an uphill battle year after year after year. I'm just now coming down from our 2005 WS appearance and let me tell you that even though we lost, it felt SOO GOOD TO BE THERE.